Soooo Hey guysssss... If been what... Six months since the last time I wrote anything for all of you? That's on me guys and I'm really sorry. I kinda sort of got a girlfriend and then like. Yeah. Everything I've written in the past few months falls into the stupid sappy love poems category or deeply person I cannot share online. However. Thanks to one k1ll3rg1rl giving me a prompt, my girlfriend finding this site and demanding I get my ass back in gear for y'all's and then the continued support I get (Yes I do see all of the reviews and favorites and follows. Literally I still get new ones everyday) I've decided to write for all of you again. A little. SO before I go butcher my other stories, have an angsty oneshot I got from k1ll3rg1rl.
Also My girlfriend decided to *write* this with me. So if you find any nonsensical words or sentences, that was her.
Girlfriend: I'm not nonsensical. Keep writing.
Trigger warning: Suicide, abuse, self harm, and drug/alcohol use. Please don't read if this will bother you.
You Found Me
The Fray
I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything"
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
From the corner of First and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
Early morning
City breaks
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all our love
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Why'd you have to wait
To find me?
To find me?
Chloe grabbed Beca's hand and with a whoosh of rather unintelligible words, they were off. Sprinting out of her dorm hall and out across the quad, Beca panted and heaved, doing her best to keep up. Not that it really was her fault. She had little legs and cardio. Yeaaaaaah, how about cardiNO. But it was Chloe, and Chloe was excited and wanted to show Beca something, so Beca continued to run and die, because well. It was Chloe. She loved Chloe, and this was making Chloe happy so if half dying because the red headed devil wanted to run, so be it. At least she'd be able to tell Aubrey now that she did some cardio this week.
Stopping suddenly, Chloe stood in the middle of the quad happily. Unfortunately for both, Chloe did not come with brake lights, and Beca didn't know that Chloe was stopping. Slamming into Chloe, both girls hit the ground hard. Rolling for a few feet, somehow Beca ended up on top of Chloe.
Blushing bright red, Beca rolled off of Chloe.
"Oh shit, Chlo, I'm sorry. I didn't-" Beca spluttered.
Giggling, Chloe just pulled Beca back down next to her on the ground.
"Becs, calm your tits. It's all good!" Chloe giggled, "We were going to lay down anyways."
"Oh… right." Beca said slowly, relaxing ever so slightly, "So what was it that required the running and the lack of explanations and the interrupting my mixing, and the running again?"
"Seriously Beca?!" Chloe all but squawked, as though Beca's question offended her, "Do you really not see it?!"
"See what?" Beca asked, scrunching her face up in confusion.
"THE SUNSET!" Chloe screeched. "LOOK AT IT! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW PRETTYFUL IT IS!?
Turning her head to the west, Beca looked up, and her jaw dropped. Before her was perhaps the most spectacular sunset she'd seen in a very long time. The sky was lit up golden, with fiery streaks of red blended into the gold. It almost looked like the fires of hell were invading the gold of heaven. Or something like that. Her dad was the lit professeur, not her.
But the sunset was literally breathtaking. God it had been a long time since she'd watched a sunset. What had it been, ten years or more since she'd just sat out and watched one? But now here she was, Chloe to her right and the still warm grass on her back, watching the sunset.
Looking over to her right, Beca smiled sadly. Chloe was staring up at the sky, completely mesmerized by the sight. Breath catching slightly, Beca did her best to hide the fact she was staring, but oh God Chloe was beautiful. The way the last light of the day fell on her, highlighting each feature and just… Wow. Just wow. That was what Chloe was. Chloe was wow.
Turning her head, Chloe's bright cerulean eyes met Beca's steel blue ones, and Beca was pretty sure her heart stopped then and there. God Chloe was breathtaking. In the golden light of the sunset, Chloe looked like she didn't even belong in this world. Her red hair looked like a mane of fire, and her eyes bright as the ocean, but with a depth that went farther than the deepest oceanic trench, she looked like the goddess of this world and Beca was falling fast.
"Beca, sunset is up there, not right here," Chloe giggled, pointing at her face, "Watch the sunset. It's the prettiest one I've seen in a long long time."
"The sunset is pretty and all.." Beca said trailing off, "But… but um…"
"But what Becs?" Chloe asked curiously.
"But umm…" Beca tried, tried to get the words out. God she just wanted to say them. How hard was it to tell someone that you, ya know… kinda sort of loved them? Apparently very hard, because she was having a hell of a time getting these fucking words out. Eyes turned to the ground, Beca ground her teeth and tried to get the words out.
"Hey Beca?" Chloe asked.
"Yeah?" Beca replied, head popping back up to look into Chloe's clear blue eyes.
Leaning forwards, Chloe kissed Beca softly, her hand resting on Beca's cheek gently so that Beca could pull away easily if she wanted. Ha. Fuck that. Smiling into the kiss, Beca tentatively reached her hand around Chloe's neck to bring her in closer.
Feeling Chloe's lips practically glide against hers, Beca's heart soared. This was happening, oh god this was actually happening. As Chloe's hands tangled into her hair, and all the words Beca wanted to say were poured into the kiss, Beca swore that right then and there she found God, because she had to be in heaven right now. With a stunning sunset above her and an even more stunning girl beside her, how could life get any better?
Beca loaded the clip slowly, each click of a bullet sliding into the chamber was like a shot to her heart. The dull echo of each bullet was like a hammer to her skull, fueling the voices of hate and darkness. Why she was filling the entire clip up, she wasn't sure. Habit perhaps, but did it matter? Did any of it even matter? What mattered now was the pain, the pain she was going to end soon. But still.
The damn fucking clicks made them louder.
Click
She was a failure.
Click
Who would ever love someone like her?
Click
God she was stupid.
Click
She was a disillusioned idiot. She was never going to amount to anything.
ClickClickClickClickClickClickClick
Useless, ugly, fat, stupid, mediocre, talentless, a waste, a FAILURE.
CLICK
Tears streaming down her face, mercifully, the clip was filled and the fucking clicks stopped. Holding the small box of metal in her hand, Beca wiped her tears away before they could fall onto the clip. Wouldn't want to fail at her own suicide, would she? It would be just like her to do so though. Failing at the simplest tasks was her specialty. It didn't take a rocket scientists to load a gun pull the fucking trigger, but watch Beca find a way to fuck that up.
Gritting her teeth, Beca slammed the clip into her gun, the snap letting her know the clip was in place. Cocking the gun, Beca inhaled sharply at the sound. Tightening her grip, Beca stood up. No. She wasn't going to fuck this one up. If nothing else in this god forsaken earth, she was going to get this right.
Walking into the bedroom, Beca ran her fingers over the smooth metal of the gun. Inhaling deeply, she did her best to walk steady and keep her hands from shaking. She was doing the right thing now. This was the end of the pain, of the fear and hatred and the voices. Setting the envelope with her final words down, smoothly and centered on her pillow, Beca turned around and practically marched into the bathroom. She was going to die tonight, but she really didn't want to leave a mess behind for the poor people who would have to deal with her body in the morning.
Chloe tapped her foot impatiently and thought over the strange message that Beca had sent her earlier. Though she was trying not to think about it, she couldn't help it. Something felt off... something in that message left a bad taste in her mouth and set her teeth on edge, which was what prompted her to make this surprise visit.
Looking down at her phone, Chloe looked over her recent messages. Hovering over Beca's name, Chloe paused. Looking at the first few words of the message, Chloe exhaled nervously. Shouldn't she at least send Beca like a courtesy message saying that she was coming over? Not that she ever used to, but that was before the breakup.
Ever since the two of them had broken up, Beca had acted strangely around her. Like sure, it was understandable. It was a pretty brutal break up, and they definitely went through their, 'I hate you, you're the fucking devil,my life is over' phase, but recently, in the past month, things, at least from Chloe's perspective, had been getting better. And like. Etiquette or whatever. Aubrey was always telling her about that and what the fuck was she supposed to do right now?
Running her fingers through her hair, Chloe glared at the stupid fucking glowing numbers above her that seemed to delight in ticking by as slow as humanly fucking possible elevator was taking for fucking ever today, and today of all days, she just did not need this aggravation. Pacing about slightly, Chloe resisted the urge to punch the fucking door. That would do nothing but hurt her hand, but it also might help her feel a little bit better….
"No Chloe, focus," Chloe muttered to herself.
Biting her lip, Chloe tried to shrug off the bad feeling she had. It wasn't like the last phone call really meant anything, Beca would often call Chloe up out of the blue, and they'd chat. Usually about nothing in particular, sometimes just to reminisce, or just talk about life.
Still, it never hurt to check up on Beca, right?
Running her hand through her hair, Chloe exhaled. God, how long had it been since she'd last seen Beca? A year? Year and a half maybe? It had been a while for sure, but you know,they talked, and Beca was still pretty sore about the break up and all, so space, right? That was something Aubrey was always telling Chloe that she needed to work on, which was why she'd never been the one to initiate the phone calls, the talks, letters, or anything.
Space. She was giving Beca space.
But now she was just going to invade Beca's space just for a little bit. For Beca's own safety and her own peace of mind, she was going to drop by, for old times sake really. She used to do this all the time so why couldn't she do this now? They were moving on. They were friends again, and this was her proving that. Beca was totally fine and they were just going to sit a while, and listen to music, just like they used to, or so that was what she told herself as the elevator dinged and the shitty lift doors finally opened.
They were going to laugh about this later, she was sure of it.
"What?"
Beca's mouth hung open and she stared at Chloe in shock.
"I- I don't think this is going to work anymore Beca." Chloe said, her voice trembling. "Beca, baby I love you so fucking much, but-"
"But nothing!" Beca yelled, tears streaming down her face, "You love me and I love you! Why are you doing this Chloe? We're good, alright? We're solid! You don't-"
"But we're not Beca!" Chloe cried, whirling around to face Beca, "We are not solid anymore and you fucking know it! We barely talk anymore, and our lives are in two completely different places. We are not fucking solid anymore and I can't fucking take it anymore. You're fucking married to your damn job and you barely have anytime for us anymore! And you know-"
"Is that what this is?" Beca growled, her pain morphing into rage, "You promised. You promised that this was okay. You fucking knew this was what it was going to be like, promised me that it wasn't a problem! For fucks sake you've even fucking helped me get more jobs! I've asked you about the hours and you fucking said that this was okay! HOW COULD YOU CHLOE?"
"THATS NOT THE ONLY REASON BECA!" Chloe screamed, "IF IT WAS ONLY THAT WE COULD MAKE IT WORK BUT IT'S NOT!"
Looking at Beca, Chloe took a deep, shuddering breath and spoke quietly.
"It's not just that Beca,and you know that it's not. This is more than just the hours and the distance. The love isn't there like it used to be, and we're both just hurting trying to make it work. Beca, never, ever doubt that I always have and always will love you, but even you can agree the love isn't the same. Please," Chloe pleaded, pain clear in her crystal blue eyes, "Please, this doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know it hurts, but it's for the best."
"For the best?" Beca laughed mirthlessly, 'FOR THE BEST!? Oh yes, its for the fucking best. You know that's exactly what my father fucking said when he walked out on my mom and I when I was nine, crying on the floor, wondering why daddy was leaving! That's what my mom said when she sent me off to boarding school because she didn't want to fucking deal with me anymore, but you know, that wasn't actually the reason. It was because it was for the best! IT WAS ALL FOR THE FUCKING BEST WASN'T IT CHLOE?! ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY ALL FUCKING SAY?!"
"Beca please-" Chloe pleaded, trying to calm the hysterical girl down.
"NO!" Beca growled furiously, "YOU DON'T GET TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE! BECAUSE IT'S FOR THE FUCKING BEST!"
"Beca! I-" Chloe tried.
"Get out." Beca said, her voice now strangely quiet.
"What?" Chloe's voice wavered.
"Get. Out." Beca said clearly, her voice hard. "Pack your things, and get the fuck out."
"Baby, please, don't-" Chloe tried desperately.
"I said get out." Beca said, turning around. "I'm going to go out now. And when I come back, I don't want to see you, or any of your shit here."
"Beca…." Chloe whispered.
At the door now, Beca paused. Looking up hopefully, Chloe took a step forwards. She could still fix this.
"Don't worry about it babe." Beca sneered, voice dripping in sarcasm. "It's for the best"
"Beca please!" Chloe tried.
"No!" Beca snapped, turning away from Chloe, "You're right. It's for the best." Beca whispered.
With a resounding slam, Beca was gone, and Chloe was left alone.
Watching the water splash into the tub, Beca sat hunched over with her elbows resting on her knees. Rolling the gun over in her hands, Beca bit her lip. This was the right thing to do, right? Wasn't it really for the best? Not like anyone was going to miss her… right?
Exhaling a breath she hadn't even been aware she was holding, Beca looked over and saw the crisp white envelope on the nicely made bed. Standing up, Beca walked into her room; she wanted to make sure everything was nicely put away. After all, there would be strangers in her house. Her mom always told her that when people were over, the house was supposed to be clean.
Walking into the tiny kitchen, Beca made her final rounds to make sure everything was in order. Absently running her finger over the counter, Beca wondered if maybe she should make a cake or something. There were going to be quite a few people in her humble little abode soon enough, and dammit, she never really paid much attention in etiquette, but like hosts were supposed to provide for their guests, right?
Shaking her head, Beca dug her fingernails deep into her forearm, opening up scabbed over skin easily. Feeling the warm liquid start to run down her wrists, Beca cringed. Quickly grabbing a paper towel, Beca held it over her newest cuts and sighed. She just cleaned all of this too. Walking over to her pantry, Beca stopped short. She knew there was no food in there except maybe some moldy bread and questionable cans of food. Biting her lip, Beca grimaced.
She really didn't have anything to give her guests unless they wanted a handle of vodka or an eighth of weed. She had some coke too, but not the soda, and she had a slight feeling that seeing as it was going to be police in her little apartment, they prooooobably didn't want any of that.
Sighing, Beca just walked back to her bedroom/living room area. And sat down heavily on the bed. Looking at the gun besides her, Beca picked it up and held the gun up to the final dying rays of light that were floating through the dusty windows. This was it. She was finally going to end it all and fade into the nothingness. Nodding her head, Beca stood back up, her purpose renewed.
Walking into the bathroom, Beca slowly began to strip, careful to fold each piece of clothing as she took it off. When she finally had her small pile of neatly folded clothes besides her, Beca turned to the mirror and took one last look at what she'd become.
Staring back at her was a broken body and a defeated soul. Her cheeks had sunken nearly completely in, and the skin around her eyes was so dark, it looked like she'd just been in some bloody fight. Or at least it would have looked like a fight if her arms were anything more than bones and sagging skin with dark, burst veins showing through her papery skin. Each of her ribs were easily visible. Running a bony hand over her rib cage, Beca winced half in pain, and half in fear of old memories.
"Am I pretty now mommy dearest?" Beca chuckled mirthlessly in the empty room, "Am I pretty and thin just like you wanted?! Turns out you never needed a lock and key to make me thin. Just a needle and some magic powders and I'm thin as a stick now!"
Here Beca started giggling, nearing hysterias now as the tears began to flow.
"I'M PRETTY NOW!" Beca screamed, her already shattered heart somehow finding a way to break a little more, "Chloe would love me now Dad, and so would you! Wouldn't you? I do whatever they want as long as they provide, just the way you wished I'd have been way back then with you. Don't need a belt to keep me in line! No no, just give me a line and I'll do whatever! Hahahahahaha that's who I am now daddy! You and Sheila would be so, so proud!"
Snatching the gun off of the sink, Beca sank down into the warm water.
Ding!
The elevator doors opened and Chloe stepped in quickly and all but punched the small 16 on the panel. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, Chloe crossed her arms around her and did her best to calm her nerves. Bouncing her leg up and down, Chloe watched as the little, poorly lit,yellow numbers slowly ticked by. Biting her lip, Chloe did her best to not punch anything, but for fucks sake, could this elevator go ANY slower? Not for the first time today, Chloe considered the pros and cons of punching the shitty thing. Not only was it slow but it also smelled God awful, like, she was relatively sure that final day carnival portapotties smelled better.
With a cheery ding, the elevator finally reached the sixteenth floor. Tapping her foot impatiently, Chloe literally couldn't believe how long it took for the doors to open. When the rusty doors finally opened wide enough for her to squeeze through, Chloe shot out like a bullet.
All but sprinting down the grimy hallway, Chloe counted the door numbers as she passed. Coming to a halt before Beca's door, Chloe threw her hand towards the handle only to jerk it back in hesitation. She bit her lip and stared at the handle. Barging in like she used to wasn't really an option, mainly because she didn't have a key, but also because she and Beca weren't exactly a thing anymore. Sighing softly, Chloe decided that maaaaybe she should knock instead. Raising a hand up cautiously, Chloe's hand slowly curled into a fist in front of the door.
The shot rang out before she ever even had the chance to knock.
Aaaaaaand Cut! Thank y'alls for reading and all that shit. So you know, I really do see every single new follower, each favorite, and every review and message, and I appreciate it so so so much. I won't beg for reviews, but you know. If you waaaaant to, I really wouldn't be opposed….
For the good of the order, I have half a chapter of Just Bent Not Broken written up, so I may be done with that eventually. My computer is a piece of shit though, and it doesn't always work right for me. Regardless, I do hope to post something other than this for you guys eventually.
And now finally, big thank you to my fantastic beta, who just so happens to be my girlfriend :3 She did a v good job making my stream of consciousness bullshit into something I can actually publish, so yeah, massive shout out to her!
Beta: Hey guys, I'm King Alex's new Beta! I'll make sure to get her ass in gear for y'all because waiting 7/8+ months for stories is so much torture. I totally feel your pain.
Anyway, I'll be posting some of my own stuff soon so make sure to keep an eye out for shout outs :P