Fiona was restless; Shrek could tell she was planning something because of all the glossy brochures scattered around. Shrek was restless because she was planning something. Swamp, food, family – what more could an ogre want? Well, the easy life for one thing, but if your other-half demands a vacation then the best policy is to agree and get it over with. Fiona made that quite clear; after all they hadn't had a proper vacation since their honeymoon, which was an age ago. They were overdue for another break, just the two of them, a short one somewhere new.

Shrek could think of a few places that might be good: the Everglades perhaps, getting up close to the alligators; or a proper mangrove swamp where they could splash about with the leeches. However, when Fiona said 'new' she meant 'different', very different, somewhere cold!

"Shrek, take a look at this Winter Wonderland; it sounds fabulous, just the place for a great get-away-from-it-all."

The brochure certainly painted the picture of a great place for a winter vacation: you stay in a 'fairy-tale castle' in a 'frozen land' with 'friendly talking animals'. Attractions included sleigh rides, ice skating, cross-country skiing, fishing in frozen rivers, ice sculpting, dwarf ice-hockey, tobogganing, and hunting with wolves. The last one sounded fun, he had to agree. But Shrek was cynical, and some 'Winter Wonderlands' had had a bad press lately:

"It's probably muddy slush with sprayed on artificial snow here and there. The reindeer will be sheep with plastic strap-on antlers."

"Shrek, you are a grump! Look: it's guaranteed by the queen of the land herself. We can easily afford it and it says here: '… quick and easy to get to: you just step through our Magical Doorway and you are there.' And that's not all, get this: '… time runs at a different pace; however short or long a vacation you take, we promise that you will return the day you departed.' That solves baby-sitting problems, we can have a vacation just the two of us!"

"Oh sure, and they're going to welcome us ogres with open arms, eh?"

"Yes they are; it says here: 'We specialise in vacations for trolls, giants, ogres, golems, ghouls and bogeymen; all are welcome.'"

"Humph. What was that about talking animals?"

Fiona riffled through the glossy, picture-packed pages. "Here we are: 'Narnia, the magical winter wonderland famous for its friendly talking animals …'"

"We don't have to go through any 'magical doorway' to have as much of a 'friendly talking animal' as we can take!"

"Well, we wouldn't take him with us, and they can't be more talkative in Narnia can they?"

..oOo..

The Travel Agent was very clear: "Sorry sir and madam, Narnia Winter Wonderland does stipulate 'no children and no animals'; you cannot take that donkey, no matter how much he says he wants to go with you."

Donkey flounced off in a huff even bigger than his ego, and Shrek put down a deposit on the spot.

..oOo..

The Magical Doorway was wide as a barn door and high enough for a smallish giant to walk through without stooping. For some reason Fiona had been expecting a wall of shimmering blue glop to step through, but what they saw looked like a faded and blurry version of one of the pictures in the brochure.

Each carried a travelling bag for their week away. They stood right in front of the Magic Doorway and following the suggestion of their 'Magic Doorway Hostess', they linked arms, closed their eyes and took three steps forwards. They felt nothing, but it was suddenly colder and very quiet; they blinked in the bright sunlight.

"Oh Shrek, it's … it's beautiful!"

Indeed it was; Narnia under the witch's spell was spectacular. The sky was all a clear blue, all the land a glittering white. Shrek looked around; there were snow-draped trees, a frozen river, and pure, untouched snow from their feet all the way to the distant hills. He was so smitten with the perfect, tranquil beauty of the scene – a very rare emotion in an ogre – that it did not register that there was no sign of the Magic Doorway they had just stepped through, no visible way home. He had a different concern: "Where is everybody? There should be somebody here to greet us, but there's no one in sight."

However, even as he spoke they could hear the jingling of little bells, and an elegant sleigh pulled by a pair of reindeer swung into sight and stopped in front of them. The reindeer were real, though white as sheep, and their antlers were real, though shining with gold. And the sleigh was white as snow and fit for a queen, though it carried only a fat dwarf. He doffed his oversized hat with a flourish and read from a card:

"Greetings honoured guests! Please board the queen's sleigh and be conveyed to the palace where a welcoming reception awaits you."

His delivery was wooden and undoubtedly insincere, but any non-threatening welcome is a novelty to an ogre. Fiona clambered onto the raised seat of the sleigh. Shrek attempted to follow her, but the sleigh creaked and groaned and wobbled so much that he quickly dismounted. The dwarf, with much muttering, stowed their bags at the back of the sleigh, took up the reigns and cracked his whip. The poor beasts struggled, slipped and snorted, and with much labouring got the sleigh underway, leaving Shrek standing in the snow. Was the sleigh returning for him? Nothing had been said and his feet were cold, so he decided to follow it.

The 'palace' was a many-turreted castle about two miles away, mostly uphill. The reindeer were doing a lot of panting by the time the sleigh passed through the open gates of the castle. Shrek arrived close behind, as out of breath as the reindeer, just in time to see the dwarf who drove the sleigh, now on his best behaviour, help Fiona down from her seat. More dwarves appeared, took the luggage from the back of the sleigh and hastened away.

The two of them spent a few minutes looking at some of the very life-like statues of various creatures which crowded the courtyard. "Oh look Shrek, that must be a faun. … Shrek have you every seen a centaur before? … Look how well the feathers on that eagle are done!" Then hand in hand they walked up the steps and into the castle proper.

To one side of the Great Hall was a large table under a banner which proclaimed 'Reception for New Arrivals.' Their host was a talking wolf who pressed mulled wine on them and seemed determined to be friendly. "Welcome to Narnia, everyone. The Queen herself sends each of you her warmest greetings. I will be your host for the period of your stay, please call me Maugrim. Our resort is very select, today we have just three arrivals."

"Three?" queried Shrek, "I can only see Fiona and myself. That makes two."

"Our third guest is ... er ," his voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper, "under the table. You need to look out of the corner of your eye …"

Shrek bent down and squinted at the darkness under the table. "Oh hello Colin, how are you keeping?"

A muffled bass voice came back: "Is that you Shrek, I heard you got married."

"We'll talk later Colin, when it's darker," said Shrek and he led Fiona away from the table. He explained to her, "It's Colin the Bogeyman, he's rather shy of the light. Once it's properly dark he's a different person altogether."

"Shrek, he is a bogeyman and he's called COLIN?"

"His mother has a lot to answer for."

Fiona asked Maugrim about the many statues she had seen both outside and in the Great Hall where they were standing.

"I cannot do better," said the wolf, "than quote to you from the Official Guide Book:

'Giant and dwarf, faun and centaur, fox and eagle, the many statues to be seen about the Royal Palace and throughout the realm celebrate the great diversity of the peoples of Narnia. The statues are the pride and joy of the queen, who takes a personal interest and delight in each and every one.'"

The castle was unlike the royal palace where Fiona had grown up. It was built of heavy stone and the interior was dirty, drab and fusty. However, the two ogres were assigned a large bedroom in a high tower, and in Fiona's eyes the view from the windows made up for all shortcomings.

They spent a quiet afternoon, the two of them, playing curling with a pair of satyrs who, according to their lapel badges, were official instructors for Narnia Winter Wonderland Co.

Their evening meal ("informal dress, come as you are") was held in a dining room off the Great Hall. Among their fellow diners was Colin the Bogeyman who seemed much more at ease than earlier: "They've given me a dank little room way down in the dungeons, you couldn't ask for better. It's nicely damp with some beautifully dark corners." Others around the long table included hags, a pair of trolls, a bull-headed man and a ghoul. Maugrim the wolf sat at the head of the table, and once the serving dwarves had poured wine into every glass, he rose to his feet:

"Honoured guests, ladies, gentlemen and ghoul, please be upstanding for the Royal Toast. I give you Her Majesty the Queen of Narnia and Empress of the Lone Islands, Jadis the White. Long may she reign!"

Everyone, even the ghoul, shuffled to their feet and sipped from their glasses. Most pulled a face (for the wine was sour), but the trolls gulped it down and clicked their fingers for more.

During the meal Fiona chatted with the hags while Shrek and Colin caught up with each others news. Shrek asked "Colin, I didn't think you were the sort to take a vacation. Why did you choose Narnia?"

"Shrek, I'm not here for a rest. I've come to join the Queen's service. You could do the same."

"Fiona and I are just here for a quiet week's vacation away from it all. You know: Winter Wonderland and all that."

"Take a look around, Shrek. Do we look like holiday makers? There is a war coming and we are here for it. They told me 'dark days are coming to Narnia,' and that was enough for me. I'll bet your missus is a skilled fighter, eh?"

"Well yeh, but …"

Maugrim had been listening closely to this exchange, and now butted in: "You two could make a real difference you know. Join up just for the duration and go home as war heroes. What they say about time here is true: when you get home you'll find no time has passed!"

"Thanks all the same, but we came for the Winter Wonderland and that's all we came for."

"That is a shame," said Maugrim, "But never mind. Enjoy your holiday; get to know Narnia. Who knows, after a week here you may love the place as we Narnians do and wish to defend it?"

Their week past swiftly. The first three days were spent at the castle tobogganing, watching dwarves play ice hockey really badly, getting the hang of ice skating and learning to ski. They didn't fancy fishing and the ice sculpting was 'off', the only instructor having unwisely argued with the Queen. Then a sturdy horse-drawn sledge took them to their 'secluded log cabin' in the Western Woods for the rest of the week. There they had a great time having snowball fights, building a snowogre, skiing through the woods, running with – and sometimes from – a pack of wolves, more tobogganing, and those things married couples do together in isolated log cabins.

They saw 'friendly talking animals' only at a distance and running away from them; apart, that is, from Maugrim or one of his lieutenants who always seemed to be hanging around. However, on the day before they were due to return home, they took a picnic and skied off alone deep into the woods. They stopped to eat right under a lamppost which stood incongruously alone in a little woodland clearing. They had hardly started on the hot soup when they realised that someone was watching them.

"Shrek, Fiona, what are you doing here?" It was Puss in Boots!

"Puss, is that you? Are you on holiday like us, are you alone?"

"Si Senora, I am Puss in Boots, the one and only. I am here in my professional capacity: the Chief of the Secret Police he has hired me – at a good sum – to spy on those disloyal to the Queen."

"Why? I mean, what is going on?"

"They fear an invasion: there has been loose talk of children entering the land and usurping the crown."

"Children?" said Fiona, "that doesn't sound serious. How many do they expect?"

"Four only, but the Queen is … concerned. But there is worse: they have had news of a talking animal, a Lion, coming to raise insurrection throughout Narnia. There could be civil war; my role is to keep the Chief informed and do what I can to prevent an uprising."

"Ah!" said Shrek, "No wonder that Maugrim is recruiting. He tried to persuade us to join the royal forces."

"And have you done so?"

"No way!" Fiona spluttered at the idea. "We leave tomorrow; I miss our children! No way are we getting involved in any civil war, we are only tourists."

Puss's voice was a low purr: "Perhaps that is for the best. The Queen is not universally liked; many hope that the Lion will come and sweep her away."

They shared their picnic with Puss and chatted on until it began to snow. Knowing that it would soon be dark, the ogres wished him well and skied back to their cabin for the final night of their holiday.

In the morning the big sledge arrived and took them back to the Queen's castle. They were met by a dwarf with a clipboard. "I trust you have enjoyed your stay in Narnia. Please have your exit visas, passports and doorway passes at the ready."

Shrek and Fiona looked at each other. "We have nothing like that," said Fiona.

The dwarf consulted his clipboard. "You are Shrek the Ogre and partner?"

"Yes."

"You entered Narnia through a Magical Doorway for a week's holiday with Narnia Winter Wonderland Co.?"

"YES."

"Then can I see your ID please?"

"WE DON'T HAVE ANY!"

"This is most irregular. Wait here." The dwarf bustled off and a pair of giants carrying impressively large hammers appeared and glowered down at the two frustrated ogres.

After a few tense minutes Maugrim the wolf strolled out of the castle. "I'm sure we can sort this out. Let's not stand around in the cold, do come inside and make yourselves comfortable while I check the paper work."

Mollified, Shrek and Fiona followed him inside and soon were in his cluttered office, sipping hot chocolate in easy chairs while he sat behind an impressively large and disorganised desk stacked with yellowed papers.

"It seems," said the wolf, "that your deal with Narnia Winter Wonderland Co. included only a one-way journey through the Magic Doorway. That is … unfortunate."

Shrek thought he saw where this was going: "So we have to pay more to get home?"

"If only it were that simple. Unfortunately, Narnia Winter Wonderland Co. has been obliged to suspend operations because of civil unrest."

Fiona was worried now: "We need to get home, we have family, young children – the triplets will be missing us."

"Ah no!" said Maugrim in his oiliest voice, "What you have been told is correct: if and when you do get home no time will have passed – your children are NOT missing you."

"IF!" Both Shrek and Fiona were on their feet.

"One way of never getting home is to threaten me, an Officer of the State; the Queen's penalty is severe and rightly so."

Fiona made a shrewd guess: "'Officer of the State' – you are the Chief of the Secret Police aren't you?"

"Yes, that is no secret."

"Let me guess. You are going to make us a proposition?"

"You have a choice. You are free to leave the castle and make your way in Narnia as best you can. Or join us; help put down this rebellion when it comes. It won't be long, already one child, a Son of Adam, has been seen in the Western Woods. Afterwards, I guarantee you a return home, no delays. You have my word."

Shrek was sceptical: "And if you loose?"

"We loose you mean. You must do your best to see that we don't. Come on, you're ogres, you love a scrap!"

Fiona and Shrek were furious at having been duped; it was now obvious to them both that they had been lured to Narnia. They left Maugrim's office and argued together in the Great Hall. Then they returned to face him. "We will accept on one condition: that we stay together," insisted Shrek.

Maugrim drummed his fingers on the desk. "Very well, you'll march out with the other new volunteers this afternoon. Basic training is being held in the Northern Wastes. The dwarf outside will show you where to go. Now get out. Long live the Queen!"

..oOo..

The 'volunteers' were mainly a mixture of Narnians and tourists like themselves who had been tricked or coerced into it. Basic training was a complete shambles: no weapons, no uniforms, no ranks, little discipline and precious little combat training. The Narnians came and went as and when they felt like it; the dwarfs in charge did not care, the wolves tried to keep order but gave up. Fiona tried to give lessons in un-armed combat. It was hopeless: the giants were too slow and gormless, the other ogres would not listen to a female instructor, the minotaurs were too bull-headed, the dryads and others too lacking in aggression.

Much time was spent on 'orientation classes' given by a dwarf. He extolled the stability of the monarchy, the wisdom, justice and virtues of the Queen. She was contrasted with the interloper, the Lion, who wanted to place in charge outsiders who knew nothing of Narnia. They would be a puppet government, and He the real power. That these outsiders were mere children who had no experience whatever as rulers proved this.

After some days of this, Maugrim himself came to give them a pep talk. Narnia under the Queen, he told them, was a model of a multicultural society. "If the Lion is allowed to prevail then horror and disaster will follow: there will be a bloodbath, entire communities purged. Ogres, hags, ghouls, cruels, wraiths and many other subjects of the Queen will be mercilessly treated; at best they will be forced out into the wilderness, more likely put to the sword. You can prevent this: fight against the Lion and his army of traitors, and victory shall be ours and Narnia preserved." His rant continued for some time and raised his audience to righteous anger. He accused the rebels of 'hate crime', 'intolerance of others', 'gross self interest', 'racial discrimination' and many terms besides. His rousing speech ended with: "… for the sake of Narnia we must win, and with you fighting alongside us we shall win! Long live the Queen!" He was loudly cheered.

Three days later the thaw came, and that evening a messenger arrived from the Queen: the Lion and his forces were encamped by the Stone Table and Maugrim had been killed. At first light the volunteer force marched south.

They marched during daylight and set camp that evening. The following morning another wolf messenger arrived: "Great news, the Queen has outwitted the Lion and killed him. Today she will join battle with the remaining rebels and destroy them. Make haste to the Fords of Beruna if you wish to take part in our final victory. Long live Her Majesty!"

There was a hurried debate among the rank and file. Some argued that as victory was assured they need not hurry to put themselves in danger. Others pointed out that the Queen would punish them if they deliberately came too late, whereas if they did join the battle they would share in the rewards. This made sense, and Shrek and Fiona found themselves hurrying forward with the rest. Since hearing of the death of Maugrim they had felt trapped, for they saw him as their only route home. Now there was a chance: the Queen ought to let them go home after they had fought for her!

However, as they reached the fringes of the battle they were met by werewolves, ghouls, effrits, and others of the Queen's people running away. They quickly gathered that the Queen was dead and the field lost. In no time Shrek and Fiona were alone, and very soon they were surrounded by a squad of centaurs bearing spears. Surrender was their only option.

Their hands were tied behind their backs and sacks put over their heads. Despondent, Shrek told the centaurs "Keep the two of us together and we won't give you any trouble." The centaurs were euphoric from their victory (and quite possibly had already had a celebratory drink) and accepted this.

They heard loud, indignant bellowing and many people cheering and clapping. Fiona asked what was going on. "That is a minotaur," said one centaur, "He is having a little surgery to make him safer."

Shrek didn't like the sound of this at all: "What! You're cutting off his …"

"Yes, they are de-horning him," said one.

Shrek's sigh of relief was muffled by his sack.

Much later that day they were led forward by their guards. "Aslan wants to see you." When they halted again a new voice said "Let them see me." Their sacks were removed. The two ogres stood side by side facing a huge male lion. The Lion's voice was deep and kindly: "Unbind them, good centaurs."

The two ogres held hands as soon as they were able and stood facing the great Lion in silent apprehension. "Fiona, Shrek, you should not be here, step up close and I will send you to where you belong."

They felt impelled to shuffle forward, almost against their wills, until they were just inches from the Lion. He blew on them and they felt his hot, aromatic breath on their faces. Immediately it was much less bright and the Lion seemed further away. There seemed to be a mist or gauze between them and the Lion. Looking around they saw that they were no longer in the open; they were back in front of the Magic Doorway, which was now blank.

The Magic Doorway Hostess sashayed over. "Welcome back, I hope you enjoyed your stay in Narnia. Can you spare a moment to fill in our customer satisfaction survey?"

"Forget it, sister," said Fiona. "Narnia Winter Wonderland Co. has ceased trading due to climatic warming and regime change."

Fiona led the way out of the room. Shrek, following behind, felt a sudden chill down his back. "Shrek, I'm so glad you got out too." It was Colin the Bogeyman. "Shrek, can we have a little chat before you go back to your swamp?"

Fiona could not wait to see the triplets and left on her own. Shrek reluctantly went into a little bar nearby and found a dark corner near the rear.

"Thanks Shrek, I really appreciate it. The Lion really shook me up!"

"He gave you a hard time?"

"I'm used to putting the frighteners on people, it's what I do. It's the first time someone has scared me; the 'boot on the other foot' as they say. Aslan made it clear that I need to mend my ways."

"No more hiring yourself out to foreign governments?"

"No way, Shrek! I wouldn't do that again; the job was not what I expected. You know what I do: I'm a deterrent, I frighten people, keep them in line. 'Do what you're told or the bogeyman will get you.' But the Queen insisted that I fight, and in broad daylight. I was there at the battle!"

"What happened, Colin, why did the Queen loose? We were told that the Lion had been killed."

"So he was, Shrek. I was there; I saw her put the knife into him! I even cheered liked the rest of 'em. Then the following day we were winning the battle when he turned up again, large as life and none the worse, and kills the Queen just like that!"

"And the Queen's army ran for it?"

"Well, he brought a load of reinforcements with him. He magicked all those statues of hers to life and got them to fight for him. We never stood a chance. Think what it might be like in Narnia now with such a necromancer in charge."

"But he let you go after a telling off. What are you going to do now?"

"He did and I'm thankful for that. I shall take up a nice quiet indoors job with vaults and dark-panelled rooms."

"Such as?"

"I'll do what Mother always wanted; I'm going to be a banker."