~*~~*~~*~~*~ Merry Christmas ~*~~*~~*~~*~

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.

— Stephen Leacock

TTITLE: I'll Be Home for Christmas

EVENT: Livejournal Mass Effect Secret Santa Gift Exchange 2013

GIFTEE: abarero

PROMPT: Jack (or Jack/Shepard (male or female) getting treated to a first real Christmas/Holiday celebration.

AN: I tried to stay very true to Jack's character, potty mouth and all. Four letter words and references to a body part or two.

It was good to be back in my own quarters on the Normandy. The apartment had been fun, but it was good to be home. The first night I woke up curled in a ball with my knees practically under my chin. Where had the damn blankets gone? Without really waking up I reached behind me only to find empty space. When I cracked open an eye to peek over my shoulder I realized I needn't have bothered because, as usual, Jack had cocooned herself. The little blanket-stealer known as Subject Zero or "Jack" if she liked you had stolen them again. It took just a moment for me to slip on some sweats and a long sleeve shirt. She could keep the blanket. My Jack had little enough in her life to call her own.

Lying down on my side again, I watched her sleep. Without all the makeup she looked younger than the twenty-six years old I knew her to be. And she'd come a long way from the little wild-cat we'd rescued from that prison ship. I felt proud of her successes as a member of the Normandy's crew and an instructor at Grissom Academy. She'd grown so much in the last year. I'd even heard her discussing curriculum and biotic children with Kaidan one day. And since I always suspected Kaidan was a little afraid of her I was pleased to see them collaborating.

She was brilliant, brave and complicated. She was also beautiful. And if I was falling in love with her, I already decided I wouldn't stop myself. Most of the crew saw her as selfish and volatile. Alone with me she was very different… even romantic. Who else has a girlfriend who insisted on a tattoo so she could identify your body in the rubble of a battlefield? She did the work herself, too. Hurt like hell. But I endured it because it eased her mind.

Her brow furrowed and she muttered something in her sleep. Jack had let go of much of the rage she'd built up over the years. But asleep she still protected herself with her hands fisted in the sheets. I'd learned my lesson about touching her when she's sleeping. One night, I woke up feeling a little frisky. When I reached over to kiss her, my eyes were blinded by the electric blue flash of her biotics. My body left the bed and I found myself ― hard-on and all — on my ass.

After she finished laughing at the sight of me sitting naked on the cold hard deck she hauled me back on the bed and apologized. Maybe another reason I find myself so attracted to her is she's dangerous. Mix that with years and layers of rage and fear and you've got yourself a woman to be reckoned with. I found her a fascinating challenge.

Then as I drifted off, thinking about the apartment and how much fun we'd had, I remembered Christmas was coming up. I wondered if she'd ever celebrated Christmas or any holiday. I knew she didn't know the year of her birth. She didn't even know where she'd been born, only that they'd her kidnapped from Eden Prime. Maybe after all this was all over and if I'm still alive we'll pick a day and celebrate the date as her birthday. I had good memories of Christmas and birthdays. In whatever time I had left before we faced the Reapers I made a promise to myself to give her as many good memories as I could manage.

I'd almost fallen back to sleep when she suddenly rose up next to me.

"Sorry," she muttered tossing the blankets over us. Then she settled down under my left arm with her head on my chest. I kissed the top of her head and pulled her close, tucking her legs under my bent knees.

"S'okay, Painted Lady."

I grinned into the darkness and steeled myself for her reaction. She really didn't like it when I called her that. She'd never heard the expression before I said it. When she finally found the reference, she didn't speak to me for days. I live in a dangerous world, sleep with a dangerous woman and I wouldn't change a thing.

First thing tomorrow I'd make some plans for Christmas. Before then, and before I can go back to sleep, I have to take care of something else. Because someone is playing around with things they shouldn't. At least ask first. Right? Asking for permission was not one of Jack's strong points. I turned into her warm embrace. They warned us about this kind of thing in command school; a CO's job is 24/7 and crew always come first. I do my best.

Jack was gone before I woke up the next morning. Her absence gave me some time to make a plan for the holidays. While I worked my way through a pot of coffee, I sent out emails to certain members of the crew. Then I realized it was exactly twelve days until Christmas. Perfect.

A good thing we were still docked at The Citadel. I took Garrus with me and we did some quick shopping and enjoyed a long lunch. When I told him what I had planned he launched into a lecture about how I shouldn't get so serious with a girl — emphasis on the word girl — like Jack.

"Look, Shepard. I get the blowing off steam. But she'll think you're serious. Or something crazy like being in love with her."

Then he leaned across the table and peered at me with those piercing eyes of his. "You aren't. Are you?

"I don't have time to fall in love." I covered my words with a long sip of coffee. Which was a mistake, because what passed for coffee here was just warm brown water. Someday, when humans run the Citadel, there will be a steakhouse, a proper coffee house, hamburger joint and ice cream parlor. Wait. And, a decent jazz club.

"Very true," Garrus continued. "Lone wolves like us don't need women trying to hang on to the sharp edges of our armor. They just get hurt."

I saw Garrus' mandibles flare and I knew he was making a joke.

"Yeah," I replied deadpan, "I'll leave that lone wolf stuff to my clone." And we shared the laugh. But it was gallows humor at best.

"I just want to make some memories for her. Interested in helping out?"

"You know I will, Shepard." After a few moments of thinking while he ate his lunch he finally picked day nine. So after a few more stops for personal items, we headed back to the Normandy. Liara and Kaidan followed us through the airlock. Both of them carried packages. Apparently, we weren't the only ones out shopping. Tali trotted up behind us and I gave her a smile. Liara and Tali immediately put their heads together whispering about something.

~o~o~o~

Finally, we were back in space. I thought I could probably just stay out here with my crew, interspersed with occasional trips back to the apartment, and fly free forever. But I knew better. My fate awaited me back home in the Sol System. That path grew shorter every day and the thoughts dogged me like the dreams of the burned out forest and the lost little boy who visited me almost every night. First, we would take the time to celebrate Christmas. So I pushed those thoughts aside and banished them to the shadows.

Jack rounded on me that night in my quarters. "So what's going on, Shepard?"

"Going on?" Oh, that's a smart reply Shepard. She won't suspect a thing. I poured each of us a drink while I figured out what to say. She never took her eyes off my face. This would be tricky. Well, it was the party that was a surprise. The gifts would come each day. It was almost midnight ship's time. If I didn't want to miss day one, it was time for gift giving.

So I sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her down on my lap. I know, dangerous, huh? She only tensed for a second.

"I have something for you." I said with my best Commander Shepard smile. The smile I imagined was known from earth to the terminus systems.

"Oh yeah? This?" She scratched her nail down the ridgeline at my groin. "I've seen that plenty of times. Anything new?"

Drop your ego off at the door, gentlemen.

I plunged on. "Ever heard of the Christmas tradition and song called The Twelve Days of Christmas."

She was shaking her head. "A better question would be, have you ever heard of Christmas?"

She's never heard of Christmas. Well, I was not the a good choice for bible lessons, so I decided to stick with the secular version. While I explained her eyes lit up with interest.

"According to the song, today is the first day of Christmas. They don't sell partridges or pear trees on the Citadel so I thought I'd give you this."

She eagerly held out both hands to accept the red velvet bag I had in my hand. Then I laid the bag in her palm and covered it with my hand.

"This gift holds some meaning for me, Jack. And it represents what I hope is a statement of trust between us and maybe something a little more permanent."

"Oh, don't get all romantic on me now Shepard." She spilled the contents of the bag into her other hand and stared at it.

When she finally looked up at me there were tears in her eyes.

"This is the key to your apartment. You trust me to have something like this? This important? This personal?"

I nodded and just watched her reaction.

Then, the child she'd never had the chance to be, came out. I saw the change cross her features. Heard it in the tone of her voice, rounded shoulders and look in her eyes. Oh, Jack.

"You won't be sorry. I'll take care of this and I won't lose it. Ever."

"Merry Christmas, Jack."

The kiss of thanks she shared with me was from the woman not the little girl. She tilted my head back and kissed me about as thoroughly as anyone ever had. I hoped she liked the second day's gift as much as this one.

She found her second gift next to her plate in the ship's galley. The first was wrapped in red tissue paper and the second slightly larger gift in green paper. Inside she found a matching leather leash and collar for her pet Varen. The next time that damn biotic beast came anywhere near me it would be properly secured.

When she finished laughing she launched herself at me and I caught her in mid flight. In front of the entire alpha shift she thanked me for the gift. I thought I heard a certain turian groan. Several of the crew clapped, one or two actually whistled. The grin on her face and the affection she shared with me was worth a few minutes of declining discipline. Who was I kidding? Anderson had run this ship with an iron hand. As his exec, I followed his lead. Over time, my crew bonded into much more than a disciplined crew. They were that, of course. We were also a family. The best kind of family, complete with crazy uncles, competitive siblings, wayward cousins and a doting grandmother.

For the next three days I was very busy with preparations for our mission to Thessia. Except to climb into bed beside her late at night, I had very little opportunity to even share a meal with Jack. She would always turn toward me, make sure I was covered up and lace her fingers with mine. A guy could get used to this. Always warm and welcoming; she definitely spoiled me.

I did have the opportunity to watch both Liara and Samara present her with their gifts. I stayed quiet so they wouldn't see me. Liara presented Jack with a book about the old Asari goddess Athame. Jack paid close attention while Liara explained the aspects of the feminine Maiden, Matron, Matriarch. I wondered where Jack thought she fit into those life stages. Then I remembered my mother once telling about something very similar. The stages of a woman's life: Maiden, Mother, Crone. The crone being the wise woman of the tribe or group. The one who taught the children and kept the stories alive.

Liara and Jack embraced and I was pleased to note Jack didn't flinch, hold back or even say something smart-assed. Good girl. Then Samara spoke quietly to Jack with a gentle hand on the younger woman's shoulder. Even from my position in the shadows I could see the tears on Jack's face. After the asari women left, Jack turned toward my hiding place. Apparently she knew I was there all along. The woman who walked toward me had that look of the little girl about her again. I held out my arms to her and she walked straight into them.

Against my chest she said, "Samara made me her honorary daughter. She promised to always watch out for me."

"Jack? I whispered against her neck. Jack, I'm falling in love with you."

Then she pulled back, cheeks dry, eyes studying me with a dangerous glint. "Yeah? Tell me something I don't know, Shepard."

Without another word, she walked away, leaving me standing there. I shook my head, rubbing the back of my neck as I watched her saunter away. That's my girl.

When I finally had more time to offer than just a goodnight kiss I cornered her in the shower. For a long moment I just watched her as the water cascaded off her long lean body. A crazy erotic contrast of petite beautiful woman and tattooed warrior she was amazing. Then she opened her mouth.

"Get the fuck in here, Shepard. Before the water get's cold? I got something to show you."

I tossed my uniform in the corner, after nearly tripping over one foot while trying to remove a boot and my pants at the same time. I finally joined her under the water, without breaking my neck by slipping on the wet floor. As it turned out I discovered her surprise before she had the chance to show me. I found the new tattoo when I wrapped my arms around her waist. I saw her flinch.

"Turn around." And there it was; a new tattoo. But what a tattoo. "You got my name tattooed in a heart?"

"I was feeling nostalgic. I was so surprised at that odd feeling, the next thing I knew here was this tattoo. I might have had too much tequila. James assured me it was such quality tequila I'd never feel a thing." She chuckled at the memory. "He was right."

"When did this all happen?" I'd never seen my actual name inside a heart before.

"You've been busy and James and Steve said they wanted to take me out for my day-five gift. Five shots of tequila and a day of tattoos and tagging."

"You. Went. Tagging… Where? My ship?"

"The Citadel, of course. We thought about tagging the Normandy. There's just too damn many C-Sec patrols." She shrugged her shoulders. "Garrus said no, anyway. He said he'd tell."

"Oh, you're just too cute for words." I picked her up by that sweet little butt of hers and silenced any smart-ass remark she might have thought up.

~o~o~o~

As things turned out, day six and seven were celebrated on Thessia. The Asari homeworld was just a warm up for things to come. We knew the tragedy of the destruction of that once beautiful planet was mirrored on earth. It sobered us all and broke Liara's heart. All the way back to the Normandy I stayed close to young asari. I knew she was trying to be strong. But some things are just too much to absorb and too complicated to compartmentalize. Once we made it back on board I contacted Samara personally. Admiral Hackett also called and expressed his regret. Then, with grief-laced words, he ordered us home.

I could do nothing for Thessia and suddenly felt helpless about earth's chances. The odds of us winning, no matter how many resources and allies I collected were very small. No one knew better than me and my crew what we were up against. I stood there alone in the vid-com for a long time. Just too damn much, was right. When I composed myself and turned to leave the vid-com, Liara was standing in the doorway. I held out my arms to her. I let her cry it out and understood she was weeping for all of us.

~o~o~o~

Party time. By the Ancestors, Spirits and Goddess, how I love these people! They'd decorated the galley and the lounge in cheerful colors of red, green, gold and silver. There was even an evergreen tree… Wait a minute. How, and more importantly whom, managed to locate and sneak a tree aboard. My eyes scanned the room and when I caught Grunt's eye he winked at me. Ever been winked at by a krogan? No, I imagine not. He was chuckling as I approached him.

"Grunt?"

"Shepard! I guess you're wondering about this tree? Thessia seemed to have an overabundance of these green things. Knew about the party, and well… back at the Citadel… you bailed me out… and — he was actually looking down at his feet — no one ever said those words to me before… and I just wanted to say thanks… and, uh, well you know... Right?"

Ever been hugged by a krogan? "Merry Christmas, Grunt." I managed before he squeezed the air out of my lungs.

Later that evening, Jack and I headed down to the galley to join the party. We could hear the music in the elevator. She looked up at me with excitement in her eyes.

The door opened to laughter, loud music and more food than I'd ever seen on my ship at one time There was a karaoke machine at the top of the steps leading to the main battery. Karin Chakwas waived the microphone at me before returning to her cover of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.

I sang about as well as I danced. So before anyone tried to recruit me to the microphone I steered Jack away from the makeshift stage and over to Tali.

"Hi, you two."

I touched my cheek to her face mask. "Merry Christmas, Tali."

"Right back at you. Jack I have a gift for you. I found it on the Citadel. Liara helped me gather all the images. Inside… see? There's pictures of all of us. I thought you might enjoy it. I thought you might think of us as your family."

Garrus joined us just as Jack opened her gift. He handed us both a drink and turned his attention to Jack. He seemed almost shy. Garrus Vakarian, shy?

"Hey, Jack. Today is day nine of your twelve days of Christmas. I know how much you rely on your biotics and hand weapons in combat. Sometime I watch and worry about you. In a clinch, biotics don't always work. There's not always time to load a weapon. My gift to you is nine lessons in hand-to-hand combat. I was something of an expert back in my turian military days."

I watched Jack's face while Garrus spoke. For once there was no smart comment. No joking around. She was simply looking at him. She swallowed heavily before she responded.

"Garrus…"

Before she could say more, Kaidan and Joker walked up. They handed her the gifts they'd picked for her. Both of them leaned in a kissed her on the cheek. I have the bravest crew in the galaxy. While she opened her gifts Joker told a funny story. Kaidan tried to tell a story too. But he went on so long, one by one our attention drifted back to Jack's gifts. Joker had given her a book titled "11 Days of Jokes Suitable for Any Crowd" and Kaidan gave her a book titled, "Ten Ways to Cure a Migraine, The Biotic's Guide to Home Care".

She was so proud of her presents. When we finally headed back to my quarters she laid them out in a row and just looked at them.

I put my arm around her, "Thoughtful gifts. Did you enjoy the party, Jack?" I asked her and pulled her close.

Hours later as I felt her body relax and her breathing even out, I raised my gaze to the skylight and for a long time just watched the stars as they sailed past. It had been a great party. Almost as memorable as the party at the apartment. I enjoyed watching Jack smile and laugh. She'd even danced with Kaidan. I think they're discovering just how much they have in common.

The tree was decorated and several mystery presents made their way under its branches. EDI managed to maneuver Joker under the mistletoe and surprised him to his toes with a kiss. Turned out Gabby was our resident singer. She concluded the party by singing Adeste Fideles. No matter what your religious beliefs it was a wonderful and moving moment with all of us standing there together listening to that beautiful song. Then to my complete surprise Kaidan took the microphone and sang You Raise Me Up.

I could see the last few steps to the end of my path now. In just a few hours we would enter the Sol System. If I didn't live through the battle and whomever else we might lose, I knew my crew would turn to each other. They would stick together and help each other.

I had so much to live for and so much living left to do. When had I known this was my final journey? When I woke up on Miranda Lawson's table? Or was it the accumulation of all the information we'd gathered about the Reapers? They were efficient killers. After all, they'd been practicing this battle for several millennia.

What were we? We were determined and courageous. We weren't mindless fighting machines like the Reapers. We were a united people who loved and believed in the miracle of life in all its manifestations. We might win, the turians, quarians and all the rest, because we believed we could do it. As I closed my eyes, I wished with all my heart to be there to watch the victory celebration.

~o~o~o~

I was somewhere far away and it was very dark. Not the dark burned out forest in my dreams, but a dark and quiet place. I tried to look around to find the boundaries of the darkness. That's when I realized I couldn't move. Wait, I focused on my body. Fingers, toes, eyes; I could move them. I couldn't see and I couldn't talk. There were voices all around me now, as if someone was gradually turning up a volume control.

"Might not ever wake up."

"No one left alive who knows how to repair the damage."

"...I'm sorry."

"We can keep him alive as long as…"

The sound of weeping. I recognized Kaidan's voice now. He sounded so sad.

Kaidan!

Then Garrus, "...Tali, please sit down… of course, I will stay with you."

Another voice. A woman's angry strident voice stretched thin with exhaustion. "You're actually gonna just stand here crying and watch him slip away? Fuck that!"

Kaidan's voice again, "Jack, don't do this to yourself. You heard the doctors. We will stay with him… until…

Kaidan!

Silence again. I struggled to hear, to move, anything to let my crew know I was still here. A three fingered grip on my arm… I think it's my arm and a voice, very close, speaking quietly, "Come on, Shepard. We beat the bastards, but we need you with us to celebrate. Come back, old friend."

Garrus! I heard his voice break with emotion. I'd never heard him sound so tired. Garrus wait. I'm trying…

"Hey, Loco. Unless you wake up, I'm going back to San Diego and become a drug lord. Amigo, I need my role model around or there's no telling what might happen to me. Come on. I'll teach you how to dance… Salsa, eh?"

James?

"Shepard? It's Tali. I need you to wake up now. I learned so much from you, but I have so much more to learn. Please. I love you, big brother. I love you."

Oh Tali. Don't go! I tried to force my hands to move or just clench into a fist.

A large warm hand on my shoulder. "Commander Shepard, you helped me through Robert's death. Now let me help you through this. Please come back to us."

I felt lips on my cheek. I tried to turn my head toward Steve's voice. Then the sensation was gone.

"Commander Shepard, I've studied your charts. There's no reason for you not to wake up. Come on now. Doctor's orders."

A cool metallic touch. EDI!

"Shepard, it is illogical of you to be so stubborn about this. I require you at optimum efficiency."

"Hey Shepard. I agree with EDI. The Normandy's waiting for you. Just tell me where you want to go."

I was exhausting myself with the struggle to communicate. An authoritative masculine voice broke through and stilled my efforts.

"Son, I need you to wake up now. There's plenty of work left to be done."

Yes, Admiral. I'm on it. Just another minute… My feet… I think I can move my feet, sir

"Shepard? Samara and I need you to come back to us."

Wait! My hand reached out for Liara and I heard her gasp.

"Shepard, I'll make it an order if I have to. There's a promotion to captain in it for you."

"Annderrrrrsoooonn…don go."

"We're all right here, John."

"Hey Battlemaster. They want me to… they expect me to, uh, back on Tuchanka...ya'know breed? I got questions."

A familiar scent enveloped me in its embrace.

"It's Christmas Day, Shepard. The twelfe day. Hey, dumbass, you know I love you, right? Open your goddamn eyes."

And there they were. Twelve familiar faces. My hand obeyed me and I could touch the beautiful face.

"Hey, yourself. Merry Christmas, my Painted Lady. I love you too."

~o~o~o~

Athame: "By the Goddess" Monotheistic religion in which her maiden, matron, and matriarch aspects oversaw all stages and roles in asari society.

Samara: Hebrew. The anglicized name Samara translates as a guard or guardian.

Happy Christmas / War is Over, The Three Tenors: you tube watch?v=42D7KblwqLA

Adeste Fideles, Luciano Pavarotti and Jose Carreras: you tube watch?v=IxpOsOoiAXY

You Raise Me Up, Il Volo and The Priests: you tube watch?v=eiSITRSAXt