"Regina I can't keep doing this."
Emma's voice is small and strained and impossibly broken, so cracked with emotion that you could fall between the edges. Her eyes are bright and swimming with unshed tears, and her lip is trembling so violently that you're sure it must hurt. You can feel the guilt welling up in your stomach, hot and heavy and uncomfortable and you can feel your heart breaking because of what you're putting the woman before you through.
You say you love her, and you do, so why do you put her through this? Every morning you wake up and hate yourself just a little bit more, it claws at your insides until you loathe yourself so throughly that you can't feel anything else. Every morning you wake up to an empty bed, the sheets cold where your husband should be. Every day, you ring Emma and she never fails to come and comfort you, though you won't let her touch you, because if she doesn't touch you then it isn't cheating. You ring Emma and she's there in a flash, all sighs and warmth and unending love. Emma's there and she's a constant you've come to rely on and so every times she comes you pretend that you can't hear the hurt in her voice as she gasps your name and you pretend that you can't see the overwhelming sadness in the depths of her eyes as she comes undone beneath your hands and tongue.
You pretend that you don't see any of it, and yet you do, but those words out of Emma's mouth still hurt you. They still come as a rather large surprise. And the way Emma's hunched in on herself, defeated and oh-so-broken, makes you hate yourself more than you could possibly describe and so you lash out at her, you hit her where it hurts and pretend that you don't feel the freshly blossoming pain blooming inside of you as much as she does.
"By all means dear, we won't continue then, I assure you, I have a perfectly good husband at home whom can easily take your place."
You watch as the anger and hurt and heart break well up inside of her all at once, swelling her up so she's standing straight and tall before you once again. Her chest rises with the vicious words you need to hear, you need her to hate you as much as you hate yourself, because it will make this ending so much easier. But just as you see the words that will end you rise to the tip of her tongue they seem to fall again and with the breath huffing out of her, she slumps over, completely defeated and stalks out. As she goes, all you can see is the shell of the saviour, conquered by the Evil Queen, and a small part of you dies knowing that you caused the most beautiful woman in the world to lose her vibrancy.
It's been three months, the longest three months of your life, three months without the comfort of being close to Emma. You need to see her because she's the only person who can quell the loneliness that gnaws on your soul during the long nights you spend alone. It's been two and a half months since you caught Robin in bed with some woman, and that had been the final straw. You had finally let yourself escape from the trap that was your loveless marriage, and you should be happy. But you're not.
Every time you close your eyes you see Emma's face set in the defeated look she had worn as she had left your office. Every time you close your eyes you can see her crumple under the weight of your cruel, cruel words. You've come to terms with the fact that your happy ending needs Emma in it, but you can't bring yourself to go to her. Not because she isn't worth it, but because you're terrified that she might turn you away. You know how much damage your words caused and you don't know if it can be fixed. Although you desperately want to try and fix it, you don't know if it's possible and what can you say, you're a coward at the worst of times.
You see Emma around, of course you do, you share a son. There's a barrier between you now that wasn't there before and although it pains you to admit it, you know it's all of your doing. You want to rip it down until it lies in a wreck around your heels but you don't want to cause her any more damage. You think you've done enough on that account. Whenever she drops Henry off, she stays in the car. If she answers the phone, she hands it over as quickly as possible, the conversations you do have are monotone and strictly professional. It's rather disconcerting because ever before you fell for each other there he always been a passion, a fire behind your words. It's safe to say it's killing you, and you know for a fact that Henry's picked up on it too. He's a smart boy after all, but he hasn't tried to broach the subject. The silence is starting to kill you, but you leave Emma alone, you figure you own her that much and more.
It isn't until you hear Leroy and Granny discussing the Sheriff leaving town that you realise you need to act. You drive past her apartment, and sure enough she's outside, loading boxes into the back of her car with a sullen, silent Henry helping. You hit the brakes and climb out without stopping to park or even turn the engine off. That's the least of your worries at the moment. Emma looks up, startled, and drops the box she has a hold of onto her toe, barely acknowledging the pain that she must feel. Her gaze never leaves you, she looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
You hear a door close and realise it must be Henry going inside, and you're infinitely glad he has more tact than his grandparents. Emma's still staring at you but for once you can't decipher what she must be thinking, and not knowing is driving you crazy.
"We're you really going to leave without saying goodbye Miss Swan?" You can hear the frantic tone your voice has taken on and you know she can hear it too.
"I didn't think you'd care either way."
It's a low blow and you can't help but grimace, you have to give it to her though, after the way things ended she does have a point. You take a step closer to her and lower your voice, even though you can still hear the way it wavers.
"Of course I care, I care more than anything."
You can see that you've thrown her and that she doesn't know how to reply, but eventually she breathes out and bends to get the box, brushing against you lightly as she does so.
"Since when?"
It's now or never and what you're about to say may be selfish but it also may put both of you out of you're misery.
"Since forever."
She doesn't reply, and she tries to act as if your words have no effect on her but you've spent so much time becoming attuned to her body that you pick up on the slight change in her breathing. She places the box on the backseat of her bug and hesitates, you know she's taking a moment to compose herself. She straightens and turns to face you, her face oddly blank, you feel a pang in the depths of your stomach that comes from knowing you did this to her.
"Don't lie to me Regina."
And your heart breaks into fragments and out of nowhere you're sobbing, weeping uncontrollably, sinking towards the ground. You know you're going to fall but you make no move to stop yourself, and you know you couldn't if you tried. Not that you particularly want to anyway. But then you're not falling, you're sinking and there are warm arms around you, cradling you to a very familiar chest. Then you're in Emma's lap on the sidewalk and your head is tucked under her chin with your hands grasping the lapels of her ghastly leather jacket.
She's rocking you gently backwards and forwards and you feel so safe that you don't know how you let yourself hurt her. Maybe it's because you never allowed yourself to fully have her in the past. Maybe it's because you've made a habit of hurting all the people you love the most.
After a while, the tears start to dry and your lip stops trembling quite as badly. You find yourself pushing closer to her, trying to meld yourself to her so that you can never be separated again, she clings to you just as tightly. You tip your head back so you can look at her, and find her already gazing down at you. There's something about her gaze that's molten and gentle all at once and it's overwhelming in its intensity. Without breaking eye contact, you let your lips lightly graze the underside of the chin and you're rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.
Moving so that you're cheek to cheek, you move your mouth so that its next to her ear.
"Please don't leave Emma. Please don't leave me, I love you."
You feel the wetness on her cheek so you pull back. Your hands come up to cradle her face and you wipe the wetness away with the pads of your thumbs. You stare at each other, and a small smile appears on her face, it's the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
She leans in and her lips ghost over yours before she pulls back, hardly moving at all but enough to elicit a whimper from you.
"Never."