Feelings of Guilt

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the television series The 100 and I'm not making any money from this fic

Summary: Takes place after the episode Twilight's Last Gleaming. Marcus Kane struggles with his feelings of guilt. Jaha steps in, knowing they need everyone willing to work together

Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the above-mentioned episode of season one of The 100; violence; feelings of guilt/suicidal thoughts

Pairing: Jaha/Kane - slash

Every time he closed his eyes, Marcus could see them. All of those people who had died... who had chosen to sacrifice themselves; and all of it unnecessary, because if only they'd waited a short while longer...

Marcus had long prided himself on his ability to make the tough decisions, but until now, none of those choices had ended with even one person losing their life... let alone the amount whose bodies they'd jettisoned only a few hours ago.

He was never going to forget even one of those faces.

Giving that small amount of water to the plant hadn't brought Marcus the peace he'd hoped for, though there had been some small comfort in the familiar ritual. And it helped to know that his mother didn't hate him for his part in what had happened... though he didn't think he could say the same for the others, like Jaha and Abby.

Jaha... maybe Marcus hadn't realised the full impact of the course of action he'd pushed for until the man had chosen to sacrifice himself along with the others on the Ark. It was only thanks to Abby that Jaha hadn't gone through with his plan.

It wasn't a secret that Marcus had thought he would do a better job as Chancellor. Although she hadn't said anything, he was sure Abby at least suspected him of being responsible for Jaha's shooting.

But until now, Marcus had wanted Jaha to step aside. He'd never wanted to gain the power because Jaha had died. Marcus actually admired the man a great deal. He'd just felt that Jaha couldn't make the right decisions.

A thought he'd been proved wrong in.

It seemed like there was a lot Marcus was being proved wrong about now. Including his own faith in his abilities. And that was why he was hiding out in his rooms. He knew he was doing that... but he couldn't force himself to leave. Not until he'd replaced his armour completely. Seeing his mother had been different. He'd been hoping to recapture that wonder he'd felt as a child.

But all it did was make him feel sad.

A knock at Marcus' door pulled him out of his thoughts and he glanced towards it, wondering if someone was coming to give him a piece of their mind. Or worse. And he couldn't blame them if that was the case. So without any hesitation, he walked over to the door and used the hand scanner to slide it open.

Jaha stood outside.

Marcus took a step back, not sure what to expect. Did the other man come to ask for his resignation as a member of the council? He couldn't blame him if so; had in fact been considering handing in his resignation anyway.

He'd made such a terrible, awful mistake...

"Can I come in?" Jaha asked.

Not trusting his voice enough to speak, Marcus nodded.

When Jaha stepped into the room, the door slid closed behind him. Jaha looked over Marcus carefully before speaking. "You missed the last council meeting."

"I didn't think I was welcome on the council any longer."

"You weren't the only one to make that decision, Kane," Jaha said.

"It turned out to be an unnecessary one." Marcus couldn't make eye contact with the other man. He didn't want to see the disgust he was sure would be on Jaha's face. It was in that moment that he made his decision. "I'm going to resign from the Council. You'd be better off appointing someone else." Someone who could make decisions that wouldn't end in a lot of unnecessary deaths.

"I'm not going to accept your resignation, Marcus. You're a good man. None of us had any idea that they'd survived on the ground."

Marcus flinched; partly at Jaha's voice, that completely lacked any note of blame... partly at the hand that now rested on his shoulder. He reached one hand up, intending to push the other man away... but found himself unable to do so. "Even if you won't let me hand in my resignation... they'll call for it. They know it was unnecessary for all those people to die."

"Marcus... look at me."

Reluctantly, Marcus raised his eyes to Jaha's face... though he couldn't quite bring himself to make eye contact.

"You did what you thought was the right thing," Jaha said. "What all of us have had to do. Do you think it was easy to send all those children down to Earth? Or to float people for crimes we know wouldn't have incurred the death penalty from our histories? We all have to make difficult decisions."

Marcus couldn't let himself believe that, even if he wanted to. Life on the Ark was harsh, but everyone knew what to expect... and if they chose to break the law, they knew they had to suffer the consequences.

But this was different. No one had done anything wrong. They might have chosen to sacrifice themselves... but it hadn't been necessary. If they'd just waited a little while longer...

There was something a little comforting about Jaha's hand on Marcus' shoulder. This wasn't the first time he'd felt drawn... almost attracted... to the other man. Same-sex relationships weren't discouraged on the Ark. In fact, the original settlers had viewed homosexuality as an advantage... a way of keeping the population at minimal levels.

Marcus had never really thought he identified as one way or the other, though. He'd been married, but his wife had been floated... and he knew that Jaha's wife had been killed in a riot.

And he knew that Jaha was trying to draw his mind away from his guilt... but Marcus was also positive that this wasn't what the other man had had in mind. Unwilling to let himself believe that Jaha didn't blame him, he stepped back so that the other man had to move his hand off his shoulder. "I'll come along to the next council meeting."

Frustration showed, just for a second, on Jaha's face. "Now you're just telling me what you think I want to hear." He looked at Marcus and then seemed to come to a decision. "You're a good man and you tried to do the right thing. But if I can't convince you of that by talking to you, then I'll just have to try another way."

Maybe Marcus should have asked Jaha exactly what the other man meant, but he couldn't quite bring himself to. According to the rules laid out in the Exodus charter, Marcus hadn't done anything wrong... but that didn't help how he was feeling inside.

Jaha's hand was on his shoulder again, but Marcus couldn't quite bring himself to shrug it off. When the other man began guiding him towards the bed, Marcus frowned, but followed without argument.

"Floating is the only approved official punishment," Jaha said as he reached the bed. "But there are other, private punishments used in a family setting. Since I'm not going to float you, I'm going to punish you in the same way I punished Wells."

Marcus didn't have any children, but he'd studied the culture on old Earth and he knew that there were punishments that had been used on children (and adults on occasions). Since grounding wouldn't be appropriate - and, really, how would that even work anyway? - the process of elimination meant that what Jaha had in mind was a spanking.

And even the prospect of something described as painful and humbling didn't trigger him to fight this. He just felt that it wasn't really enough of a punishment.

Jaha looked into Marcus' eyes and whatever he saw there must have satisfied him, because he didn't say anything else as he sat down on the bed. Drawing Marcus round to one side, he tugged on Marcus' wrist.

Marcus stumbled forward a pace or two and felt Jaha push gently against the small of his back. Realising what the other man wanted him to do, Marcus slowly bent forward, laying across Jaha's lap.

If it weren't for the fact that Marcus felt so guilty, there was no way he would have allowed Jaha to do this.

"This isn't a punishment, Marcus," Jaha said, his hand resting on the small of Marcus' back. "Your suggestion was a harsh one, but I know you were trying to do the right thing to save the majority. There was no way you could have known that Earth is survivable." As he spoke, Jaha tugged Marcus' pants down, following those with his underwear. "I'm going to spank you so that you feel punished and able to let go of this misplaced guilt."

Marcus winced as he felt the cool air meet his exposed backside. He wasn't given a chance to react to that, though, as Jaha lifted his hand and let it fall crisply against his right cheek.

The smack seemed to echo around the small room and Marcus buried his head in his arms, relieved that all of the rooms on the Ark were sound-proofed. When another, even harder, smack was delivered, he couldn't help the sharp intake of breath.

Marcus wasn't given much of a chance to adjust. After those first two swats, Jaha settled quickly into a pattern, delivering the hard smacks from the crest of Marcus' backside, going all the way down to his thighs. Marcus couldn't help but kick his legs in reaction to the more sensitive spots being swatted, embarrassed to hear a low whine escaping through his tightly clamped lips.

When Jaha began over from the top, Marcus felt the first tears prick at his eyes... though they weren't caused from the spanking itself (even though that was painful). With each swat that landed, Marcus couldn't help remembering the faces of each of those who had died... whose deaths he had been responsible for.

As if able to tell what was going through Marcus' mind, Jaha began to speak quietly. "You're a good man, Marcus. You didn't choose to kill those people. They sacrificed themselves to save their loved ones. All carrying this guilt around with you will do is make it impossible for you to make the decisions you need to. I don't blame you for what happened."

Jaha could have easily told Marcus that none of them blamed him and maybe that was even what he meant. But making it more personal hit deeper, because even though Marcus thought he'd done a good job of hiding his feelings, Jaha's opinion of him was still important. More important than any other's. And if anyone else had tried to do this, Marcus might have been able to fake it... might have been able to pretend he wasn't being torn up inside from the guilt.

But Marcus couldn't hide himself from Thelonious Jaha.

It wasn't a conscious decision. Marcus didn't even know when the tears started. It seemed that one moment, he was still holding them back... the next, they were leaking from his eyes, trickling down his cheeks and onto his folded arms.

Maybe Thelonious didn't blame him... but Marcus blamed himself.

"I trust you, Marcus." Even while speaking, Theolonius didn't stop the hard swats. If anything, they became faster and harder... forcing Marcus to pay attention; not only to the pain, but also to his words. "There are those on the Council who believe you were part of the plot to have me killed."

Marcus tensed up, trying to swallow back his tears as he responded. "I... know... but I didn't..."

"I know you didn't. If you'd really wanted my position, you wouldn't have tried to stop me from sacrificing myself along with our people. I need you, Marcus. Not just for the good of the Ark... but for purely selfish reasons, too."

Selfish reasons? Marcus wanted to ask what Thelonious meant by that, but the other man was shifting him forward... exposing his sit spots.

If the spanking had been painful up until this point, Theolonius targeting Marcus' sit spots surpassed that. Marcus didn't know if the other man was actually swatting him any harder... but it certainly felt like he was. Marcus couldn't help but kick his legs out as it felt like his whole backside was being set on fire.

The tears were falling faster now. Desperate to stop himself from breaking down completely, Marcus shot his hand back in a futile attempt to protect his very sore backside. Futile because Thelonious grabbed his hand, holding it against the small of his back, before concentrating his considerable attention on Marcus' sit spots and thighs. "You don't have control over this, Marcus. Until you let go of this misplaced guilt, there will be no chance for you to move on with your life and be able to have some chance of happiness."

Marcus wanted to point out that he didn't deserve to be happy. He opened his mouth to say that... or gasp out the words, which seemed to be more likely. But instead of words, all that came out was the first harsh sob.

And then, as if that one opened up the floodgates, more followed.

Marcus finally went limp over Thelonious' knees. He couldn't do any more but twitch a little... but after a couple of final smacks, his hand was released. He didn't try to get up, instead moving his hands in front of his face, so he could try and muffle the sound of his sobs.

Thelonious carefully replaced Marcus' underwear and pants. Marcus winced as the coarse material brushed against his sore backside, but stood when Thelonious helped him up... though he was surprised to find himself caught into a tight embrace. Having quieted down to sniffles, he wrapped his arms around Thelonious and hugged the other man tightly in return. He wanted to say something, but there were so many things going through his mind, he didn't know what to pick.

"I need your support, Marcus," Thelonious said quietly.

Marcus loosened one of his arms around Thelonious so that he could wipe at his eyes, before he spoke quietly... his voice more tentative than he would have liked. "You said you needed me for purely selfish reasons."

"I did say that." Thelonious pulled back enough so that he could look into Marcus' eyes. "I care about you. I want you close by." He touched Marcus' cheek gently; then, when Marcus didn't move, he grasped his chin and leaned forward so that he could brush their lips together in a soft kiss.

Marcus found himself responding to the kiss. He shifted forward, closer to Thelonious, almost sitting on the other man's lap as the kiss deepened, becoming more passionate.

The End