So this is just major crackfic to the extreme. I don't mean to offened anybody, but if I do, I am sorry and I didn't mean it. :) So review please. Let me know which short drabble thing was your favorite!
Disclaimer: I don't own House!
In the diagnostic conference office, four doctors sat around the glass table. They all were quite bored, but then one of them started sobbing spontaneously, causing the others to wake up from their mid-day daze.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Taub asked, glaring at the sobbing neurologist.
Foreman held up the book he was reading so the others could see what had made him so distraught.
"Twilight?" sneered Thirteen. "You're reading that crap?"
"It's not crap!" yelled Foreman. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and then said, "Oh my God! Edward loves Bella so much!"
Kutner, Taub and Thirteen rolled their eyes.
Later when House came in, Foreman shouted out during the differential.
"No Bella, don't go! Don't die!" Then Foreman slumped over onto the table and began sobbing once more. Taub scooted his chair away from Foreman; Thirteen slipped the book from Foreman's hands, and then gave it to a random kid that was passing in the hallway.
--
"What are you wearing?"
Chase tipped his black cowboy hat at House. "Cameron and I have started a square dancing class."
"That's right," Cameron said with a hint of a southern twang in her accent. "Ya'll should come and see us."
"Uh…no," House said, staring down at Chase's chaps. "Seriously Chase? Chaps?"
"Yeah! And a handkerchief too!"
"Show us your moves!" Wilson said, and Cuddy nodded in agreement.
"Okay." Chase and Cameron paired together, and then began doing some dance steps.
"Do-si-do, swing your partner 'round and 'round!" Chase said as he and Cameron pranced around the room, arm in arm.
"Hey, House. Too bad your leg isn't up to dancing skill because you and Cuddy-,"
"No Wilson."
--
"Wilson, stop it."
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Wilson yelled.
"Fine. Whatever," House said, slowly walking away from his friend who had anger problems manifesting once more. House had no idea what had made Wilson so incredibly angry. All House had done was once again, force Wilson to buy his lunch.
Wilson slung the tray of his and House's lunch across the hospital cafeteria, splattering spaghetti, salad and macaroni and cheese everywhere. House stared down at the mess on the floor.
"Wilson, you're an idiot."
"ARGHHHHH!" Wilson punched House in the face, sending House falling to the ground and landing in noodles and lettuce. People in the cafeteria stared at the usually calm and mellow oncologist throw a fit. Some mothers covered their children's eyes.
Wilson began clawing at his clothes, tearing off his tie and he began to rip off his shirt in a very Incredible Hulk like way.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M GOING TO KILL SOMETHING!! I-,"
Wilson stared at House, who had just splashed a cup of Pepsi at Wilson's face. As the sticky soda dripped from Wilson's hair and ran down his shirt, House dropped the cup to the floor and everyone held their breath in anticipation of even bigger outburst from Wilson.
"What happened?"
"You went crazy. I thought I would wake you up," House said.
"Thanks. I don't know what came over me…," Wilson explained. He looked down at his shirt, which was torn in several places.
"Wilson, I think you should consider going back to anger management classes."
--
The medical team of Doctor Greg House was bored once again, but this time they had found something to keep the occupied. They had found a use for the big screen television that House had convinced Cuddy to put back into House's office. Kutner had brought his Playstation 3 and the game Rockband.
Taub was sitting in a chair behind the drum set, and Kutner had a guitar around his shoulder. They were all ready to start, but Foreman was fighting with Thirteen over the microphone.
"I want to sing!" Foreman complained.
"No! I called dibs!" Thirteen said, yanking the toy microphone out of Foreman's hands. "It's mine."
"Fine. I guess I'll play bass," Foreman said, picking up the extra guitar.
At first the song was going well, but then some noticed someone was messing up. Badly.
"Damn it Foreman!" Taub yelled when they lost. "We didn't even get half way through the song."
"Yeah, and you're set on easy! All you had to do was press green-green-blue-blue-blue-green…," Kutner said, showing Foreman the proper way to play the game with skill.
"I was messing up on purpose…" Foreman looked at the ground and shuffled his feet.
"Well, let's try again, but this time Foreman, do it right!" Taub ordered.
"Fine."
So the mini gamer band began again, but they only got into a few measures of the song before the red warning light started to flash, indicating that they were fixing to lose. Then, because of their bass player, they lost.
"Foreman!"
Foreman looked over to Kutner. "Sorry! I did try!"
"You do or do not. There is no try," Kutner said, quoting Yoda.
"God, you suck at this game Foreman," Thirteen yelled.
Foreman sulked.
"Yeah!" Taub threw the drum sticks at Foreman, hitting him in the head.
"You messed us up!" Thirteen reached over and began beating Foreman on the shoulder with her microphone.
And just to join it, Kutner swung his guitar at Foreman.
--
"Her hair is like that horse from The Wizard of Oz."
"What?" Chase asked, looking over at House. They were both sitting in the cafeteria looking over at Cameron who was still in the lunch line.
"You know, the horse in Emerald City that changes color," explained House, as if everyone knew the specifics of The Wizard of Oz.
Chase shook his head. "When I first met her, it was brown. Then it kept getting lighter and lighter, and then she went totally blonde. And now…" Chase looked over to his girl friend. "She's gone and dyed her hair red."
Wilson winced. "It's not that bad."
Both House and Chase stared at Wilson unmoving.
"Are you on crack?" House asked.
"No, I was just trying to…" But Wilson stopped, because the person they were gossiping about has joined them at their table.
That was Tuesday. On Wednesday, Cameron walked into the hospital with a head full of pitch black hair. Chase thought it couldn't have got much worse, but on Thursday, Cameron had acquired bleached blonde hair – almost white. On Friday, Cameron had gone off the deep end many had thought, because she showed up with pink hair. At that point Chase had begun to ignore Cameron and avoid her at work. On Saturday, Cameron had dark blue locks, and halfway through the day she had lime green hair with orange highlights. On Monday Cameron wore a hat so nobody knew what her hair color was that day.
One week after Cameron had showed up with red hair, she returned to work with her normal dirty blonde hair color.
"What was last week all about?" Chase asked.
Cameron shrugged. "I was trying to get attention. Nobody pays attention to us anymore; it's all about House and his new team and Thirteen's illness."
That just made Chase really confused.
--
It was one of those rare days that House had brought food in for his fellows, and they were really ecstatic. Like, who doesn't like bagels?
But there was a problem. There were only three bagels in the bag. Maybe House wasn't being as nice as they thought.
"What are we going to do?" Kutner asked, staring at the three bagels that he had sat out on the table. This was a disaster.
"Paper, rock, scissors?" Taub suggested.
"No, I never win that game," Foreman complained.
"Foreman, that's the point."
"Why don't we take out House's DDR mats?" Thirteen asked.
"…House plays Dance Dance Revolution? With his bum leg?" Taub asked.
Thirteen shrugged. "It happens. I saw it!"
Taub grabbed a bagel. "This one's mine." Thirteen grabbed one of the other bagels, leaving Kutner and Foreman to glare at each other, bagel-less.
"It's on!" Kutner yelled.
"I'll battle you in DDR for that last bagel!" Foreman yelled. "And I'm better at this game than I am at Rockband!"
"But Kutner's Asian! You can't beat him!" Taub said.
"We'll see about that," Foreman said, pounding his fist into his other open hand.
So they set up House's DDR mats and Kutner and Foreman placed themselves on them, and they started the game. At first, they started off even, but then Foreman began missing while Kutner was hopping around and making all the moves. At the end, Forman fell on the floor panting and sweating and Kutner looked rather smug.
"Let's see, Foreman got a C, and Kutner got…AA!" Taub shouted.
Kutner punched his fist in the air, and Thirteen came running towards him and planted a big kiss on his mouth. Foreman sulked on the floor watching Kutner eat the last bagel with an arm around Thirteen.
--
"Chase, come down from there!"
"No way mate!" Chase looked away from Cameron, standing on the cafeteria table. "I'm the Crocodile Hunter!"
Cameron looked way from her boyfriend who was now crouched down on the table, looking around the room as though it was a safari. She didn't know what had happened to Chase. Everything was fine, but then he had shouted, "Crikey!" and then jumped up onto the table and began acting like he was hunting for something and he had also acquired a more intense Aussie accent.
"Oh! Look at that beauty!" Chase said, pointing across the room. "It's a Cuddy!"
Cameron slapped Chase. "Stop!"
Ignoring Cameron, Chase continued, "Cuddy's are a rare breed, they live usually at the hospital and hardly ever go back to their home. Their looks are absolutely stunning, but watch out! If ya get a Cuddy mad, they will fight and start yelling."
Cameron slapped herself in the face.
"Oh! And here comes a House!" Chase said, pointing to the diagnostician that was limping into the cafeteria. "You can tell a House apart from the others because they have their unique prance and harsh sarcasm that makes other animals cower for safety."
"House!" Cuddy yelled from across the room, walking over to House, pounding her heels into the floor.
"Oh no! The Cuddy is angry! We might get to see one of the epic fights between a Cuddy and a House." Chase grabbed Cameron and pulled her up onto the table. "We got to be careful! These fights can become vicious!"
Cameron rolled her eyes and went along with Chase's shenanigans. The House and Cuddy were in an intense argument, only inches away from each other and yelling in the other's face with their hands flailing about everywhere.
"Even though the House and Cuddy fight," Chase whispered, "they attract one another, even though they would like to ignore it."
Cameron looked sideways at Chase. He did have a point there. Then looking back at House and Cuddy, Chase was proven right by the fact that House and Cuddy were kissing in the middle of the cafeteria. The thing that Cameron found most odd was the fact that nobody else really noticed, they just took it for granted.
--
"House, I have something to tell you."
"What?" House asked.
"I have a child," Cuddy said.
"OH MY GOD!"
"And it's yours," Cuddy explained.
"HOLY MOLEY!"
"Her name is Dawn. I had her in college after I met you, and I have raised her in secret. She is beautiful, she has your eyes course, and is a genius. She became a doctor at age sixteen. Unfortunately, she also has your sarcastic sense of living…"
House looked at Cuddy and shrugged. "Any kid of mine has to be a freaking prodigy."
--
"What are you trying to tell me?" Thirteen snapped.
"I was curious about all of my friend's blood types. So I tested them," Taub explained.
"What the hell?" Kutner asked.
Taub scoffed. "That's not the point. The point is that Thirteen does not have Huntington's!"
"I don't…what?"
"You don't have Huntington's! I even checked again. I don't know how you got those positive tests, but you don't have it," Taub said, showing Thirteen the test results.
"But…I did the test. And then Foreman did before I did the trial…" Thirteen looked over to Foreman who was standing sheepishly in the corner. He smiled a small smile and waved at the other doctors that were staring at him.
"What?" Foreman asked.
"What did you do?" Thirteen shouted.
"Uh…"
"TELL ME!"
"I'm sorry," Forman whimpered. He took a deep breath. "I faked your test results."
"How did you do that?"
"Well, when you did the test yourself, I made the machine so it only gave out positive results. And when I did the test for the trial, I just lied," Foreman explained.
Thirteen looked remotely calm for a second, before screaming, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
"I wanted to get with you, and that would be the only way. If I helped you with your illness, you would become more open to me and learn to love me, and you would be mine. And it's worked. Mwahahaha!"
Everyone stared at Foreman who was cackling an evil laugh.
"Um, Foreman, I was never yours to begin with. I already belonged to somebody else," Thirteen said, looking shyly over to Kutner, who was beaming and looking rather smug.
Foreman scoffed. "I can't believe this!"
"I can't either," Taub said. "You made Thirteen think she was dying!"
"Yeah!" House interjected, because he had not said anything yet.
"How did you get me to kiss you anyway?" Thirteen asked.
"Uh…Iputsomethingintthedrugs," Forman said very fast, slurring all the words together.
"Huh?" everyone asked.
"I put something in the drugs," Foreman said more clearly this time.
"WHAT?!"
"You're going to pay for this!" Kutner shouted.
Taub crossed his arms. "You mess with Thirteen, you mess with me!"
"And us too!" Cameron said, with Chase standing next to her. They had appeared out of nowhere, but regardless, they stood next to Taub and House and were wearing matching tough expressions.
"Don't hurt me!" Foreman pleaded. "I'm sorry I tricked you Remy-,"
BANG.
Everyone turned to Thirteen who was holding a gun that had some fresh smoke coming out of it. At first, everyone thought that the gun had a tobacco problem and they were thinking about giving it some Nicotine patches, but then they realized that the gun was smoking because Thirteen had fired it at somebody. They looked down at the floor to see Foreman lying on the ground unmoving with a bloodstain forming on the front of his shirt.
"What happened?" Wilson said running into the room. "Did another crazy person try to kill House again?"
"No," Chase said. "Thirteen just killed Foreman."
"Oh. Never mind then. You want to go to lunch House?" Wilson asked.
"Yeah!" House limped across the room and looked down at Foreman.
"Don't bleed on my carpet. Only I can do that." And with that, House walked away with Wilson.
Thirteen stuck the gun in the waistband of her pants.
"I had enough of you," Thirteen said. "And there's only one person can call me Remy."
She turned to Taub, Chase and Cameron and gave them a nod, then took Kutner's hand in hers and walked out of the office.
"Nice shot, Remy," Kutner said.
With a smile, Thirteen muttered, "Thanks."
--
"What is House doing?" Thirteen asked.
"He's practicing his new hobby. Parachuting," Kutner said, motioning towards House who was standing on the balcony behind the diagnostics office. After a few seconds, House jumped from the balcony.
Kutner and Thirteen rushed outside and looked down at House and he fell to the ground. Just when they thought that House was going to go splat on the pavement, House opened a orange parachute that was on his back and he gently landed on the ground.
Kutner and Thirteen stared at each other in confusion.
"Why-," Thirteen began, but got cut off by Kutner.
"Don't ask me, because I have no idea."