Alright, so I know I have another story I should be working on but this has been bugging me since the finale, one of those things you need to write. This is my version of how the finale should have gone. It'll only be two chapters, the later I'll be posting within the week. Let me know what you think and enjoy the finale if you can.
He's pacing back and forth, his mind racing, trying to comprehend what he just saw…what was happening.
Clare sits five feet away on the prop room couch, avoiding his gaze and biting her lip. He used to love it when she'd bite her lips like that, it would drive him absolutely crazy in the best way, now glancing at her, it just makes the knot in his stomach grow as he clenches his fists.
"Can you stop pacing?" Clare spoke up, finally breaking the silence that had followed since Drew's departure, "You're freaking me out."
Eli stopped abruptly, doing as she asked but nothing more, shooting her a dirty look as he did so.
Clare sighed, her hands falling into her lap, already fed up with his immature attitude, "Can you say something?" her tone pleading.
He scoffed, spinning around to face her, "Yeah, let's just get this over with, right? Wouldn't want to keep Drew waiting, now would we?"
"Eli…" she sounded exhausted, this conversation hadn't even really begun and she already had had enough.
Crumbling slightly at her tone, god the effect this woman had on him, he gave a weak shrug, his anger subsiding momentarily as he responded honestly, "I…I don't know what you want me to say here, Clare."
"Anything would be better than this silence we've been putting up with for the last ten minutes," she replied. "Obviously there are some things we still need to sort out and you pacing back and forth isn't helping anything, so…let's talk."
She sat quietly, feeling more uncomfortable than she ever has she watched Eli begin to pace once more. Apparently this awkward silence wasn't nearly as troubling to him as it was to her.
Finally, Eli stopped once again, turning towards her with a look of determination. "So that's it, huh?"
"I'm sorry?" she asked, clearly confused with the question and by the look on his face, he seemed to expect her to understand.
He threw his hands out, "You're over me? Just like that?" he snapped his fingers. "Really? All it takes is a few hours?" He chuckled darkly, "I mean, I know you move fast, but that's' got to be a record."
Clare sat up, slightly taken aback by his comment; she hadn't expected him to be so hostile. Sure, Eli never was the poster boy for handling bad news well, but she had been bracing herself for tears, not insults. "You know it's not that easy," she finally replied, fighting to keep her tone even, "it's complicated."
"Nah, I think it's pretty simple," he argued back, "you don't want me anymore, you want fucking Drop-Out Torres, right? Wow, way to go, real winner." He flashed her a sarcastic thumbs up, and if she hadn't been so completely thrown off by his attitude she would've considered slapping him.
"Don't do that, this isn't about Drew," Clare replied defensively, her eyes narrowing dangerously.
"Not about Drew?" he thundered in a way that made Clare wonder if they could hear him down the hall as one of the veins in his neck made its presence known, "you think I'm stupid? You think I don't know what you two were just doing before I walked in?" He shook his head, trying desperately to keep his mind from going back there as Clare shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
Unable to control himself, Eli angrily punched the scarecrow her and Drew were supposed to have brought to the dance, sending it hard to the floor, knocking over a few prop mannequins in the process as Clare jumped.
She was no stranger to Eli's anger, but it never failed to frighten her once he got himself going. He had done a good job recently of keeping himself composed around her, especially after Adam's death, he'd rather let out all his anger and sadness on his own and stay strong for Clare then for her to see him like this so it had been quite some time since she had seen him fully let go, and honestly, she didn't miss it.
He sighed, running his fingers through his hair roughly, trying to gather himself, noticing the very familiar look on Clare's face. One he hadn't missed at all. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, pausing to pick up the scarecrow from the ground before pulling himself onto a table across from her, his hand now rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as he tried not to notice its trembling.
Clare watched uneasy as he calmed himself down, reminding her so much of the boy she had broken up with the first time around. God the things she would do to avoid this talk. The silence between them so far from what it once was, what used to be thoughtful and enjoyable was now excruciatingly awkward. She found herself feeling sick with anxiety, the very weight of the past few months leading up to this moment seemed to be weighing down on her.
"I'm sorry," Eli repeated quietly, breaking the silence.
Clare looked up, still uneasy, "You said that."
He nodded. "I didn't mean to scare you," he continued, the look of distaste he made at that word not going unnoticed by Clare.
"Maybe you should be apologizing to the scarecrow," she pointed out, hoping to lighten the mood even the tiniest bit, but he wasn't biting.
"It's just…" Eli started, his voice scratchy as he struggled with the words, "…it's Drew."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," she accused, narrowing her eyes, unable to help herself. She was here to get closure with Eli, not to discuss her relationship with Drew. "Despite what you think, he's not a bad guy."
Eli shot her a look of disbelief confirming that was exactly what he thought. He gave a short laugh, "Tell that to Alli and Katie, I'd love to hear what they have to say on the matter."
"What? That was a long time ago, he's grown up a lot," she defended, sitting up a little taller, not liking Eli being so harsh on the guy she'd begun to rely on. "He's nice and fun and he's simple. Things with him aren't complicated."
He laughed humorlessly, folding his arms across his chest, "So that's what it is, huh? With Drew everything is easy and with us it's not?"
"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't, you know things between us have never been easy," she pointed out.
"So what? You're just tired of trying?" he shot bitterly.
Clare took her time with her answer, thinking it over, going back over every detail of these past few months: the incident with Lenore, the lying, their talks coming with more and more space in between, before dolefully admitting, "Maybe I am."
His response was immediate, as though her words were physically hurting him. His face contorted with pain as he slumped forward; emitting a short breath as though it'd been forced out of him. His tough-guy exterior breaking down to show the broken boy underneath.
It was quiet for a few minutes and Clare started to wonder if she should just leave, he probably wanted nothing to do with her at the moment and all she wanted to do was be done with this. She wordlessly ran her finger along the pattern of the couch as she waited for his reply, taking her time going over every thread of the ugly fabric. The tension between them that she had thought was so bad at the beginning of their talk now looked laughable compared to this, she really didn't think she could bear it much longer. The room felt too hot, the piles and piles of props surrounding them seeming to grow in size, making her feel so small in comparison.
She chanced a small glance at him, his head lowered as he remained silent. She wondered how they got this way, how things went this bad, sure, things with them were never perfect, but she never would have imagined this as their fate. They weren't the Eli and Clare that she thought they were.
She chewed on her lip anxiously, wondering how long she could analyze every detail on this couch until Eli would say something, if he even would. If their talk was over there really wasn't any reason for her to linger around, the damage was done, there was nothing left for her.
Just as she started to move from the couch, he spoke, his voice soft, "How long…how long have you felt this way?"
Clare glanced up, meeting his gaze as she tried to pretend she didn't notice the tears in his eyes. "A while," she admitted, seeing him wince, "Thanksgiving."
Her answer crushed him, all this time he'd been trying to repair something that could never be fixed? He felt like someone was standing on his chest as he rubbed at his eyes harshly, trying desperately not to break down in front of her. "Thanksgiving?" he choked out, as if the word itself was foreign to him.
She nodded once, her eyes not leaving her hands at they sat intertwined in her lap.
"But…" Eli faltered, "But you took me back…?"
Clare nodded again, this time her teary eyes meeting his. "I didn't want to believe you could hurt me like that, I guess I still wanted to believe we could get better," she explained. "I think, looking back, I just felt guilty."
Eli sighed, clenching his fists to try and mask their shaking, "Why would you feel guilty? Clare…" he trailed off, rubbing his face with his hand in a frustrated manner, "Lenore, was…it was nothing you did, you didn't force me. It was my fault, it was a stupid mistake."
"I kissed Drew," she exclaimed, the truth finally coming out, "at Thanksgiving."
She expected him to start yelling; throwing and hitting stuff like he had earlier, but what he actually did only made her more uneasy: he simply started at her, his face unreadable, so much like the mysterious boy she had first met, unwilling to let anyone know what was going on in his head.
The calm before the storm.
Clare waited, for something, anything that might tell her was he was thinking. But he just sat with a blank look on his face, staring off into the corner where a box of lights they'd used at prom sat.
"Eli..." she prodded, hoping to coax him out of whatever state he was currently in, she didn't like this, it wasn't him. Eli was always passionate, always speaking his mind, whether it was good or bad, he wasn't the silent type. Seeing him like this sent a chill down her spine.
This isn't at all how she had imagined this talk going, but then again, she hadn't expected Eli to show up in the first place so she was already 0 for 1 but Imaginary Eli was a lot more cooperative. They talked things out rationally and he respected her decision, plus they were absolutely zero arguing. She had definitely nailed the imaginary part of it. At least with him she could see a friendship down the line, Real Life Eli didn't even want to look at her, let alone talk this out. Clare leaned forward, hoping to get something, anything in return, "Eli please, talk to me."
His gaze met hers, finally, a sign of life! She could've jumped for joy just for the fact this horrible silence was over. "Why? You've already decided, you don't love me anymore," he voice was gruff and quiet but there was no mistaking the pain behind his words, she might have to hold off on the jumps for joy. "You want him," Eli went on, his face contorting, "you have since Thanksgiving."
"Don't be like that," she chided. Maybe she was being naïve, but she hated hurting people, especially if it was her own doing, and in a situation like this there really was no avoiding it but Clare had hoped maybe they could get through it partially unscathed. She and Eli had a really wonderful friendship and although the romantic part of their lives obviously wasn't working out she still wanted him in her life, if not now down the road.
Unfortunately, it looked like that bridge was burning.
"Like what?" he challenged, a spark coming to his eyes as his voice rose, "Hurt? Sad? Angry? I can't be upset? The girl I'm in love with doesn't want me anymore and hasn't since fucking months ago! I could've used the memo, Clare. And on top of that she's had feelings for a guy who is the complete opposite of me."
"Tell me I'm wrong" he sneered angrily when it looked as though she was about to rebuttal.
Taking a deep breath, she held up a hand to silence him and he hated how quickly he obeyed as she calmly explained, "Kissing him was a mistake…at Thanksgiving," she added hastily as he glanced up hopefully. "Nothing happened after that…not while we were dating at least," she continued, watching him look away, a grimace on his face, "It was just recently when I realized how much I like him."
Eli took a moment to let her words sink in, he looked up, hesitating slightly as a million thoughts raced through his head, but one prominent one stuck out. "A few weeks ago…," he started off, feeling insecure, "when I came to surprise you for our bungee jumping date…?" He trailed off awkwardly, biting his lip before maintaining his course, "Did you…did you have feelings for him then?"
God, the look on his face was killing her, it'd be so much easier if she didn't care but she hated seeing people hurt and Eli was no exception. Hoping to somehow lessen the blow by saying it, she nodded.
He should've expected it; did he really think they would be here if their love was really as great and epic as he thought? He knew the answer. And Christ, did it hurt. More than the first time, more than when she said he was a heartless monster, more than that night at Above the Dot. No, this was much worse. It was still her, his Clare, the witty, smart, beautiful girl he'd fallen for and this time it wasn't his illness or a bully or his own stupid self scaring her away. No, this time she just didn't want him.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he bit into his lip savagely to keep from crying out, a lone tear escaping that he quickly chased away, hoping desperately she didn't see.
Clare stood cautiously, hating seeing him so upset; she carefully walked over to him, gingerly placing a hand on his, "Eli, I'm sorry."
His eyes snapped open at her touch, he honestly expected her to be halfway out the door now that the truth was out, he exchanged looks between her and her hand on his, something she used to do to comfort him. Fuck, he used to marvel at her touch, aside from his little surprise visit a few weeks before it had been so long since he had last seen her, been able to feel her skin on his. Now here she was, close enough to taste her perfume, she had on her usual vanilla although there was something he didn't recognize mixed in, her hand, warm on his, yet the gesture only felt wrong to him now.
She didn't want him anymore, that much was clear, she was only here now just to humor him, he was convinced and he'd be damned if he was going to accept that pity. Eli quickly hopped up, tearing his hand from hers, "Don't touch me."
Clare watched, momentarily stunned by his sudden hostility as he walked deeper into the prop room before he sat down on a makeshift bench she was sure they used in Love Roulette, burying his face in his hands.
She was sure this was her cue to leave and she very easily could have. It would've been easy, just turn around and take a few steps out the door, away from all this chaos and heartbreak and back to the gym with Drew and Alli where everything was fun and lighthearted…but she couldn't do it.
She couldn't leave him here like this, pretending she couldn't hear his strained breaths and small but very noticeable whimpers.
She wanted out; she wanted to be free, away from the hurt and the uncertainty of what he was doing so far away, wondering if tonight would be the night he'd call. She wanted away from all the guilt, the secrets and things unsaid piling up, remembering a time when they shared everything with each other.
Clare got what she wanted, they were done. She could go to any dance or hoedown for that matter with whoever she pleased. But despite all that, this boy, the very hurt and distraught boy before her still mattered. She cared about him, probably always would in some sense. He had been and still was her best friends in many ways and she didn't want to just leave him like this. She still wanted to believe something good, no matter how small, was in store for them. Some part of their friendship could be left untarnished after all the betrayal and hurt that had been exchanged between them.
Despite the uncomfortable knot that was twisting in her stomach, Clare approached, tentatively placing a hand on his shaking shoulder, unsure of what to say, but hoping the gesture alone would speak volumes.
Violently, Eli whipped around at the contact, his eyes wild with surprise and shame for getting caught so vulnerable, he hated for her to see him like this.
"Eli, please, we need to talk about this," she begged, raising her hands slightly, "I didn't mean to scare you, I just-"
"Why are you still here?" he barked, not letting her finish. "You got what you wanted, we're done! You don't have to deal with me anymore." He tried to sound strong, menacing even, but the way his voice faltered at the end of his sentence wasn't as discreet as he had hoped.
"Why am I here?" Clare exclaimed, her eyes widening at his response," I need closure! I want us to talk this out, lay all the cards on the table. I want to walk away knowing I did the best I could to salvage whatever is left, if anything of our friendship." Taking a breath, she sat down beside him, careful not to get too close. "Despite what you think, I still care about you Eli; this isn't the way I wanted things to end for us, either. You think I enjoy this? You think I want to be here, yelling at you?" she let out a humorless laugh, "I should be with my friends, enjoying the hoedown that I helped plan, but I'm not. I'm here."
"What's stopping you?"
"Excuse me?" Clare quirked a brow, unsure what he was asking. They were supposed to be sorting out their friendship, not asking meaningless questions. Hadn't he heard her rant?
"Go," he responded shortly, his eyes determinedly set on the wall opposite her.
"Go?" she repeated. Her eyes wandered around the room, as if there was a clue to his words hidden amongst the props.
He turned to her, the green eyes she'd become so used to were now cold and dark as he spat, "Go. Leave. Go to your fucking hoedown; ride off into the sunset with Drew for all I care."
"Why are you being this way?" Clare watched as he stood and walked to the opposite corner of the room, she knew they were both hurt, but couldn't he see she was just trying to help? "I'm trying to fix whatever is left our relationship, a little support would be nice" she urged.
"What's the point?" he mumbled darkly, shoving his hands into his pockets as he turned to look at her, his eyes defeated. "You really think we can be friends after this? I broke your heart and you broke mine, it's never going to be how it was before.
"So you don't even want to try?" Clare cried. "Eli, I know this isn't easy, but I'm trying to take the higher road here, hurt the least amount of people, I thought you'd want that. Right now things are tough, I know, but I would like to keep you in my life as a friend…don't you?"
He pressed his lips into a firm line, shaking his head decidedly, "You and I were always more than friends Clare, and you know that. But let's say we get through all this," he continued on as she started to rebuttal, "we become friends again, how does that work? I tell you about girls I meet at school? You keep me updated on your dates with Drew?" He scoffed bitterly, as she pretended as though she couldn't see the tears in his eyes, "I can't do that."
Clare sighed, knowing he had a point, but at least she was willing to try. Eli couldn't even meet her halfway although she was sure he was letting his emotions get to him at the moment. Frustrated, she threw her hands out, "Well then, what do you want?" She couldn't keep doing this back and forth, the stress was getting to her, her pulse going at least double its usual rate since the moment he walked in and if he didn't want to fight for their friendship, if he didn't want to talk, why was she still trying?
Eli was quiet for a moment, his eyes trained on the floor as he thought over her question. He knew what he wanted, but it wasn't that simple, finally, he brought his gaze to her own, forcing a small smile as he admitted, "I want you to love me again."
"Eli," Clare groaned, her patience wearing thin as this talk took another dip on the emotional roller coaster.
"What?" he demanded, hating how irritated she appeared at his words, was it really that impossible of a request? "You asked."
"I know, but…Eli, it's not that simple." She rubbed at her face as she let out a sigh, "Don't you want me to be happy?"
"Of course I do" he replied instantly, "but…I want to be the one who makes you happy."
"And you did, we had a lot of really great times together," she insisted, standing and moving towards him, "Things I'm going to cherish forever, things no one can replace," she faltered, knowing her next words would hurt, "…but Eli, I'm not happy. We're not happy, you wouldn't have done anything with Lenore if you were so don't even try and argue with me."
He let out a bitter laugh, his eyes taking her in as he finally tore them from the spot on the floor he'd been analyzing. He hesitated slightly, "So…Drew makes you happy?"
Smiling, she nodded once, "He does."
Clare thought they had reached the point in their talk where he may have still been angry or hurt, but his more reasonable and understanding side would start to show, but apparently she'd guessed wrong as he let out a maniacal laugh.
"You're fucking kidding me, that kid?" Eli shook his head violently, "The one who cheated on two of your friends? The guy who dropped out of school to sell phones at the mall? The same guy who hooks up with every girl his dead brother ever liked? The dude who snuck you out of a hospital when you had fucking cancer? That's who makes you happy?"
Clare had enough, she tried to be polite, to be level headed and mature about this situation they were in, but no more. If he was going to yell and make a scene, well so was she, she was fed up with his attitude.
Stomping her foot angrily she hollered back "Stop making this about Drew. Don't you get it? This isn't about him. He didn't pull me from you; you pushed me towards him after you got with Lenore. This whole thing," she motioned with her arms, "is your fault, not Drew's so lay off."
"If what happened with Lenore bothered you that much why did you take me back?" Eli demanded. "That was months ago, I've apologized and I thought you forgave me, but now I'm not so sure."
"Because- because I'm stupid, I don't know. I told you I felt guilty," she retorted. "And it may have been months ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I never know for sure if you stopped."
"I promise, it was one time," Eli insisted.
Clare wanted to believe him, the look in his eyes convinced her, but it was so hard to trust him when he was so far from her and so close to her. "Most guys would avoid the girl they got caught cheating with," she acknowledged, telling him something that had been bothering her for a while now.
"You didn't catch me, I admitted to it, I could never keep something like that from you, Clare," he spoke softly, maybe Respectful, Understanding Eli was still in there. "If it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be right now, she my best friend from school and she's in almost every one of my classes, even after she moved out I can't help but see her. I can't cut her out completely. It just doesn't work like that."
Clare froze, one sentence standing out to her as she raised a hand to cut him off, "Moved out?"
The look on his face gave it away, he visibly deflated, bringing his hands to his face and he mumbled, "I was going to tell you, I swear"
"Yeah I bet," she sassed back, her arms crossing in front of her.
"I was," he dropped onto the couch, slumping forward, "I just didn't know how to bring it up without everything getting worse." He glanced up, making sure she was listening as he explained, "The first day J.J. and I had problems, and I realized it wasn't working out. The single dorms were already taken and I'd met Lenore earlier, we got along. She heard about the problem and she was dealing with a similar issue so J.J. took her spot with her roomie and she shared with me."
He shot her a guilty look, "It was supposed to be temporary, until they could find either of us an open room, I knew you'd be mad, so I didn't tell you." He took a deep breath, "But then it kept going and I knew if I told you then you'd be even more upset and it just got worse. After the" he glanced up, shooting her an apologetic look, "...you know... I avoided the room and her, I even slept in the lounge a few nights, once her and I talked I convinced J.J. to move back in."
"So why am I just now hearing about this?" Clare wondered aloud, every fiber in her body telling her to slap the bijesus out of him.
"Clare?" She turned to face him, "I am so sorry."
She shook her head, regretfully, "How did we get this way?" She regards Eli, wondering if he has the answer they're looking for tucked away somewhere, but he only looks more broken than before, his whole body crumbling beneath him as he looks off into a corner. "We used to tell each other everything," she mused quietly.
"These past few months, after everything that happened," Eli began, "I thought we were getting better, but turns out, we were both keeping secrets."
Clare let out a weak laugh, amazing what a few months can change. "Is there anything else?" she spoke, "Anything I need to know? Something else you're not telling me happened?"
Eli shook his head, "That's everything. Well, everything Lenore related at least. Did anything else happen with you and Drew?"
"No, that's everyt-" she paused, a sudden memory coming to mind as Eli snapped his head up, his eyes wide and wild.
"What? What is it? God how much more?" he groaned, he didn't know how much more of this he could take. He remembered when he thought the worst thing in the world was her and Jake, he'd welcome that back in a heartbeat, hell even Fitz wouldn't be so bad, at least Jesus wouldn't allow them to partake in what her and Drew were clearly doing when he first arrived.
"It's just one more thing," Clare promised but the wary look she was giving him, had him unconvinced.
"What? Did you take him to our church? Or our bench? Christ, you love him don't you?" Eli whined, his mind going into overdrive with the possibilities.
"No, nothing like that," Clare affirmed, "It's just…remember our bungee jumping date?"
"He fucking kissed you in the car, didn't he? God I knew it was weird he called you Edwards, it all makes sense," he ranted on, further upsetting himself.
"No, Eli, stop. It's just…I may have…possibly, already gone with Drew first and just acted like it was my first time with you…just maybe," Clare explained, hating herself for feeling guilty.
For some reason that seemed to sting more than a kiss would have. At least a kiss was just them, but here it was actually their date, one they had planned together, one she simply replaced him with Drew. He didn't know what to say, he wanted to lash out, to scream at her, to throw his fist into that stupid scarecrow once more, but he just didn't have the energy anymore. Instead he simply let his head drop as he tried to ignore the pounding headache growing within.
"See?" Clare exclaimed, "Look at us, look at you; all we do is hurt each other, why would you want this back?"
He shot her a forced smirk, one that didn't fit him nearly as well as his usual one, no, this one was just wrong, "Because I still love you."
Clare shook her head dismissively, ignoring his comment, "We never talk anymore. When did that change?"
Eli sighed, running a hand through his already messy hair, "I'm sorry, okay? You know our schedules don't line up like they did in high school. We still email, text, and we Skype when we get a chance, we'll just work on the phone calls, okay?"
"No," she shook her head, "it's not enough."
Standing up, his outstretched his arms, demanding, "What do you want, Clare? I'm doing my best here. I know I've gotten bad about answering my phone, but it's hard to get work done when it's on, it's a bad habit, but I can fix it. Plus, I'm here now, you can't expect me to make weekly visits, I barely can afford a two way ticket as it is.
Fed up, she sank onto the couch, simply telling him, "I need you here. Not all the time, but I need you to make an effort. We hardly talk on the phone and when we do it's only for a few minutes at a time, email isn't the same, and every time he Skype you get interrupted by someone. I want you to make time for me," she let out a dry laugh as she wiped at the moisture starting to build at her eyes, "I want you to want to see me."
"I do Clare, all the time," he insisted, sitting down beside her and taking her hand.
"Every time we make plans, you cancel, I can't count on you anymore," she argued, her eyes meeting his and she dared him to look away.
"I have school," he replied with a sigh, "I have projects and sometimes they take longer than I first anticipate, I can't help it." He paused, moving closer to her and lowering his voice, "Clare, we knew this would be hard, long distance relationships aren't supposed to be easy. Hell, they're fucking difficult, but it'll all be worth it in the end."
"What about today?" she asked, "thought you couldn't' come, yet here you are." She pulled her hand from under his, placing them both on her knee furthest from him as she avoided his gaze.
He let out a laugh, "Seriously?" When his only reply was a slight quirk of her eyebrow he explained further, "Clare, you mean the world to me and you know I wouldn't cancel unless it was something important, but I came out of class to a voicemail of you breaking up with me. I couldn't just not try and fix it."
"So I just need to have a crisis for you to show up?" she retorted, not willing to let him off the hook.
"Clare, come on, it's not like that," Eli pleaded. "You can't expect me to drop everything every time you guys have some dance-
"It's not a dance, it's a hoedown activity night," she interrupted, her jaw clenching.
"Well, I can't show up every time you have a hoedown activity night either," he corrected. "I have projects I'm in the middle of, people are counting on me to get my stuff done and I need to keep my g.p.a. up for my scholarships. If it's something important to you, tell me and I'll be here in a heartbeat." He placed a hand on her knee, his voice just above a whisper, "If you need me, I'm here."
"Yeah," she scoffed, standing up and striding across the room, her anger suddenly skyrocketing, "you're here now, but what about before?"
"I just tried to explain-"
"No, shut up," she bit back, "you said if I need you you'll be here, but I have needed you and you don't come. Hell, I'm lucky if I'll even get a call back most nights." Clare refused to let the tears fall from her eyes as she felt herself getting upset, "You haven't been here. But that's okay, you know who has? Drew." She watched gleefully as his brow furrowed, " Yep, Drew's been there for me when you haven't, I think he's making a habit of it."
"Like when?" Eli challenged. He could feel his anger coming back, the vein in his neck starting to protrude.
"Oh, well let's see, shall we?" Clare obnoxiously sang as she began to list, holding up a finger for each example as she did so. "He was here for me when I had chemo brain, he made me his Veep so I could still have a say in the Presidency because he knew how important it was to me, and he even chased a rat for me!"
"Well excuse me," Eli mocked, holding up his hands in surrender as he stood to her level, "why didn't you just say so? A fucking rat? Someone give the man a medal, god to think I've only been there for you after your parents' divorce, after Asher, after your cancer and losing Adam, but silly me, those don't mean shit to you, do they?"
"Drew was here when you were with Lenore," Clare answered coldly.
Eli felt his jaw drop at her response, he was rendered speechless momentarily but the little smirk she gave him brought him back. His fists clenched tightly, he tried to keep his tone even, "What did you say?"
"Oh, you heard me, " Clare smiled.
"He's just using you, he doesn't care about you, you're nothing to him," Eli snapped, his anger getting the best of him, "he's just going to take advantage of you, he'll stick his dick in anything that walks."
Clare let out a laugh, taking a step closer to Eli, "I know the type."
He couldn't remember the last time one comment had made him so furious, he could feel his face heat up, the pulse in the veins quicken and his blood pressure soared, he could feel his jaw tighten, feel his fingernails digging into his palm. "No. You. Did. Not. Just say that," he seethed through gritted teeth. "Don't you dare compare me to him. Yes, I made a mistake, a fucking big one and trust me, I hate myself for it.
I apologized to you; I was honest about what happened, hell, I hardly talk to her outside of projects anymore because it reminds me of how awful I was to you. I messed up. I know that. You didn't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person because of it, but I never screwed her, okay? And trust me, if I wanted to, I could have. It was one kiss and I still feel like total shit because of it, but the difference is I don't have feelings for Lenore. It was one heat of the moment kiss. I wasn't hiding my feelings for her behind your back while we dated, I still only see her as friend. It was a mistake and you'll never know how much I regret it, but I would never sleep with another person behind your back. Never."
His outburst instantly made her feel guilty for trying to rile him up, it was clear he did feel bad about the situation. "I'm sorry," she confessed, I took it too far." It was still for a moment, both of them trying to calm themselves down, everything had escalated so quickly, their relationship had always been known for its sudden twists.
"It's okay," Eli dismissed, still feeling the anger coursing through him and he attempted to calm himself down. "That's what we do," he laughed, "we bring out the best in each other, we bring out the worst in each other."
Clare nodded, a knowing look in her eye and she gave a short laugh, man was that true. They'd always had quite the roller coaster of a relationship: when things were going up, they were really great, but when they'd start to fall, they would plummet. It was such a contrast to her relationship with Drew, everything was smooth, easy going, but not quite as laid back as Jake had been. Drew had a little spunk to him; he was a playful guy and was constantly joking. There never seemed to be a moment the guy wasn't smiling, it could be addictive.
"Can I ask you something?" Eli spoke softly interrupting the silence between them, his vulnerability showing in both his face and his voice. Clare nodded; glad he seemed to be done with yelling. He sighed deeply, trying to build up his courage, hesitating slightly, "Do you still love me?"
"Eli," Clare whined, placing a hand to her face as she settled back into the couch.
"What? It's an honest question," he replied, sitting back down onto the table across from her. "If," he took a deep breath, "if this is it for us, I deserve to know."
The way his voice wavered at the end cut into her like a knife and she knew she couldn't argue with him, she did say she wanted to lay all the cards on the table. "You know I do," she answered back softly.
"So don't do this," Eli begged, his desperation evident in his voice, "we can fix this. We've been through so much together for things to end like this." He stood and began to pace again, his eyes glassy as he began to list passionately, "we got through the mess with Asher, my issues with Cam and all the shit that came with it, we made it through losing our best friend, together! We beat fucking cancer, Clare, we can beat this!
It's only a few hours away, long distance is supposed to be hard," he repeated. Eli bent down, near her level, his voice softening, "We're almost there, Clare, we've made it through the worst of it, soon you'll graduate and you'll be off to Columbia, in New York, with me." He reached out to take her hand, not bothering to hide the few tears that spilled out during his speech, his last hurrah, "We're nearly there, please, don't give up on me now. It'll get better, I'll get better. Just…please, give me the chance to prove it, I know I can. "
Clare let her own tears start to fall, the gravity of the situation finally showing its ware on her, "I don't know, Eli. It's not that easy." But it would be so easy to fall back into routine with him, they'd perfected it by now, and god the way he was looking at her right now would make it so easy, but what if things didn't change? They couldn't go through this another time and what about Drew? This wasn't fair to him.
"Clare," he breathed, "please, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."
"I want you to try!" she cried out angrily, gesturing with her hands, "we can't keep doing this, Eli, all we do is hurt the other and I'm tired of it! I'm tired of not being important enough."
"You're the most important thing," Eli swore, "you always have been. Always. I am trying, I want this to work, but we're both busy, Clare. We have school, work, homework, your VP stuff and social lives. It's not going to be like it was in high school but I'll try harder, okay? Please, just don't give up now, I can be better."
She wanted to believe him, and part of her knew if she gave him a chance things would get better, but that didn't change the past few months after the betrayal. He hardly called her anymore, it was always her and he'd only shown up twice since Christmas including his venture back for their bungee jumping date. It didn't fix the constant state of loneliness she'd become used to, he couldn't take a magic wand and fix everything every time he decided to show up, it doesn't work that way. And it's not fair to Drew, the guy who has actually been here, where she needed him, the guy making her laugh and leading student council far better than she gave him credit for.
Clare peered into the lights above them, blinking away most of her tears as she built up one last resolve, "Eli," she pressed her lips into a weak smile, "I can't keep giving you second chances. It's not even a second chance any more, we've passed that by a longshot, this is like 10th chance or so."
"I only need one more," he implored, his hands shaking terribly.
She felt sick to her stomach, she just wanted this night to be over with since he intruded on her and Drew, but now that the moment was here, the ball in her court, it was so much worse than she expected. Letting out a sob, she shook her head, unable to look him in the eyes, "I'm sorry, Eli."
She could hear his loud exhale as though her words knocked the breath out of him. She glanced up briefly; his head hung low as tears streamed down his face, a stray whimper or two making its presence known. His whole body trembled for a few minutes, still trying to fight off his cries.
Clare finally stood, dusting her dress off as she placed a tentative hand on her shoulder, almost hating how he didn't even flinch, "Eli?"
"I guessed I really messed things up this time, huh?" his voice was gravely as he swiped his arm across his face, giving out a sad laugh. "I never meant to hurt you, Clare," he looked up at her, his eyes sincere.
"I know and I didn't mean to either," she smiled softly.
"We had a plan," he mumbled bitterly, more to himself than to her, "just a few months and you'd be in New York, with me, we'd have a crappy little apartment in Brooklyn, probably no furniture and we'd eat old take out on the floor" he laughed, "but it'd be perfect. I'd finish at NYU and you would at Columbia and then someday we'd get married."
Clare couldn't respond, it was too much, the way his voice would break, the hurt in his eyes, and he was right, that was the plan, but plans change. She gave his shoulder one last squeeze, before she turned, and began to walk towards the door.
"Wait," he called out, freezing her in her tracks. She turned to him slowly, not sure if she could handle any more, she already felt like there was enough heartbreak in this night to last for the next decade.
"This is really it, huh? The end?" he asked trying to keep his voice level.
She glanced away, hiding her fresh tears as she gave him a curt nod, "Looks like it."
Eli winced, fumbling with the sleeve of his shirt as he tried to mask the shaking. "Can I ask for one last thing?"
She eyed him warily, not sure this was a step they needed to be taking. They were done, no more, the end, so why was she still here, wondering why she made this choice? "What is it?" her voice cautious.
He bit his lip, forcing a smile as he stated sadly, "One final kiss? Like Romeo and Juliet, remember?"
"Eli," she sighed, a small cry escaping her. God, this night was just too much. "I don't think that's a good idea..." she began, her emotions not letting her finish.
"You're the one who wanted closure," he countered, "it's just…if I'd known the last time I kissed you would be just that," he trailed off momentarily, a few tears sliding down his face, "I would have done it differently. Wouldn't you?"
Clare thought back, when was their last kiss? It must have been the morning after their bungee jumping date, she had school and he had a plane to catch. It was nothing fancy, a quick peck, nothing worthy of a final kiss. She knew she was only prolonging the hurt, but she agreed with him, if things with them were truly done she couldn't' see it happening any other way. "Okay," she nodded, "one kiss", knowing she was going to regret this later, but right now she didn't care, they were both hurting, and she needed this, some comfort, some last reminder of how great things between them once were.
She had expected him to jump up and throw himself on her, finally hearing something good come out of their talk, but instead he slowly stood, a nervous hand patting down his hair as he flashed what he'd hoped was a good impression of his infamous smirk.
Eli took his time walking towards her, trying to memorize every little detail, the way her hair was swept loosely to the side, the blush on her cheeks, the crystal blue of her eyes, the little birthmark on her chest, he didn't want to forget any of it.
He stopped before her, feeling her breath on his face, he slowly reached out to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing away a few stray tears as he did so. Clare relaxed into his touch, making his heart lurch painfully. He smiled sadly, lovingly placing a few hairs behind her ear as he leaned in, burning the look on her face into memory.
There was nothing fancy about this kiss, no tongue, no fighting for dominance; it was much like their first kiss, actually. Nervous at first until they slowly melted into each other, her lips were softer than he'd remembered as he moved his hand to her waist to pull her deeper to him while the other ran through her hair, not wanting to let her go. He could feel her tears on his face and was sure she could do the same, it's not like they were hiding it, they were a mess. Eli tried to put every ounce of love he had into the kiss, hoping she'd know just how much she meant to him. Her fingers ran along his jaw before sliding to the back of his neck and brining him even closer. She let out a little noise as he deepened the kiss before turning away breathlessly, Eli still holding her close as he pressed kisses into her cheek and neck.
"Eli," she gasped, not wanting the moment to end but knowing it had to, "I said one kiss."
Reluctantly, he let go, his apology lost in his cries as the roller coaster climbed its last hill.
They stared at each other, their hair a mess, their eyes red and their lips trembling, this was it.
"Well, I guess that's it," Clare tried, all she wanted before was to walk away, to leave this room and never come back but now that the time had come, she felt like her feet were cemented into the floor.
"Wait," he croaked, his eyes wild with the thought of her actually leaving for good. He marched towards her, taking her hands in his firmly, bending slightly so he could be at her eye level, "I love you," he spoke confidently, the weight of his words having their full effect on Clare, "I'm not ready to let you go. This isn't how things are supposed to go." He gathered up the last bit of courage he had, not caring how pathetic he probably looked right now, he needed to try, "I don't want our story to end this way, not like this. Please, please don't go. I love you," he repeated meaningfully.
Clare hated him in that moment, she hated him for putting them in this situation, for making her turn to Drew, for showing up and making her care about him again, for kissing her the way he did, for holding her so tight yet so gentle and she hated him for not letting her leave. This was the best decision, they needed this, they couldn't stay together after everything that had gone one between them, but he just couldn't let go and it was killing her.
She pulled her hands from his, hating him more when he tried to capture them once more before she took a step back, "I'm sorry Eli, I can't."
Gathering her resolve, she took a deep breath, forcing herself to look him dead in the eyes despite the sadness they were radiating, she puffed out her chest, wiped at her face and stated in the most nonchalant voice she could muster, "Our story ended months ago."
With that, she turned and strode out of the room, leaving Eli, their relationship and all the hurt that came with it behind, the roller coaster finally making its last stomach turning descent.