Disclaimer: Everything from the Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot.
Regrets
Chapter 1
"I did it!" Suze yelled, her eyes bright with excitement.
She seemed surprised, I noticed. She was happy, of course, but still surprised. She was clearly underestimating her powers.
I smiled warmly at her. "You were great."
"Can you believe I actually dematerialised?" she asked. She walked over to my bed and flopped down on it. "I always thought it was such a cool power. And now I can do it!" She laughed, "I can't wait to get Jesse back for all the times he's snuck up on me."
I decided I should probably hide my annoyance at that last comment as best as I could. Suze and I had always tried our best to stick to the unspoken agreement we'd made about not bringing a certain name up too much around each other. But I guess Suze was in too good a mood to worry about petty things like my complete loathing of Jesse de Silva.
"I thought you hadn't told him about our arrangement," I said lightly.
Suze looked up at me. "Oh," she said. She seemed disappointed. "Oh yeah…"
"It's a shame, isn't it?" I said, fixing a mocking smirk on my face as I sat down next to her. "That you feel you have to keep secrets from Jesse, I mean."
Suze wasn't quite as good at hiding her annoyance as I was, although I doubted that she cared whether I could tell or not. "You'd rather I told him?" she asked as if this was some big threat. "No matter what the consequences were?"
I gave her a sceptical look. "Do you actually think I'm scared of de Silva?"
Suze shrugged. "If you ask me, he's given you enough reason to be."
She wasn't serious was she? Me, scared of Jesse de Silva? I swear, I haven't heard a more ridiculous thing in my life.
"Is that so?" I asked, staring at her. "Okay then. Call him."
"What?" Suze asked, bewildered.
"Call him," I said again. "Tell him everything. I'll show you how scared I am of him."
Suze shook her head. "You must be crazy if you think I'm willingly going to do something that I know will just start a fight between the two of you."
I grinned at her. See? She loves me really. "Aw, Suze," I teased, "I know you can't bear to think that I might get hurt, but I can look after myself, you know."
Suze rolled her eyes. "Paul, you know that the last thing I want is a repeat of what happened at that party, and that has nothing to do with me liking you at all."
To tell the truth, I'd been expecting to hear something like that; she was always reminding me about how she didn't like me. But I really didn't believe her. How could I? When she was near me… well, there was something between us, something that was strong enough for me to be sure that I wasn't the only one who felt it. The only thing stopping her from admitting it was guilt. Because she was with Jesse. She just needed to forget about him for just a few seconds and she'd see it. I knew she would.
What did she see in him, anyway? This guy who couldn't give her a thing – what was so special about him? It just didn't make any sense to me. Why was she so in love with him when it was so clear to me that we were perfect for each other?
I refused to let her words get to me though. So instead of thinking about it any longer I pushed her back against the bed we were sitting on. She let out a surprised squeal and I shifted so that I was leaning over her. I smirked down at her. "I don't believe you," I said.
"Get off me!" she yelled.
I ignored her, if she wanted me to move then she'd have to at least try and sound like she meant it. I stared down at her.
"Get off!" Suze moaned again, but I barely registered it. God, she was so beautiful… I brought a hand up to her face and gently brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes. She suddenly stopped struggling and just looked up at me like - I don't know, like she was actually wondering what it would be like if she decided to give me a chance. But I was left wondering if that look had actually been real when, a split second later, she glared at me and went, "Paul, if you don't get off me now then I swear-"
I couldn't let her finish, not after that look she'd given me. So I shut her up in the most effective way I could think of. I closed the small distance between us and kissed her. She didn't respond at first, but it didn't take her long to realise that resistance was futile and she was soon kissing me back and enjoying it just as much as I was. I cupped her face gently as her arms snaked round my neck.
It took her about a minute to realise what she was doing and try to push me off her. It was only when she clenched her hands that had been in my hair as few seconds ago and started thumping me on the back with them, that I gave up and rolled off her. I mean, what a turn off. And that girl can really punch; I didn't want to end up with a load of bruises or anything.
Suze jumped up as quickly as she could, eyes blazing. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she yelled.
I leaned back on my elbows and smirked up at her. "I thought you were enjoying it," I said simply, causing her to look even angrier. "You definitely seemed to be enjoying it."
"Shut up!" Suze snapped furiously. "God, Paul! Why do you keep doing these things? What makes you think you can get away with it?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, maybe because you keep letting me?" I got up and walked over to her. She glared at me. "And I find it seriously hard to believe that it's not what you want. You know, it makes me wonder if you're really as in love with Jesse as you claim you are."
Suze stared at me for a minute. Then she went, "Please don't tell me that you think I'm in love with you."
The totally incredulous way she said that wiped the smirk right off my face. "That's not what I said," I informed her tonelessly.
"But it's what you're implying, isn't it?" she asked, folding her arms and looking up at me like she thought I was this total idiot.
I gave her a stony look. "All I'm implying is that I know you felt something when I kissed you. Otherwise you wouldn't have kissed me back. And don't give me the same stupid excuse you gave me last time, because I don't believe it."
"You couldn't be more wrong if you tried. I love Jesse more than anything. There is no way I'd… God, you are so wrong."
"Why are you denying it Suze?" I asked, frustrated. "Jesse is dead! There is no way the two of you can have a normal relationship. So why choose him when you know you can have me?"
I think at this point Suze looked just as exasperated as I felt. "Because I don't want you!" she yelled. "Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do you have to be so hell bent on ruining my life?"
I didn't say anything. I guess I was kind of surprised at her outburst. She suddenly seemed really upset, when before she'd just been angry.
She went on, "When I'm with Jesse, I'm happy, okay? Have you ever thought that for now that might be enough?"
I gave her a sceptical look. "And how long is that going to last, Suze? You know he's going to leave eventually."
She looked down at her feet then. "Don't think you have to keep reminding me, Paul," she said bitterly.
"Oh, I think I do," I said, taking a step towards her. "Isn't the fact that you're still with him enough proof of that?"
Then she looked up at me and I was shocked to see that there were tears glistening in those beautiful emerald eyes. This was honestly the last thing I'd been expecting to see. I mean, I hadn't been trying to make her cry. True, what I'd said hadn't really been all that comforting, but it's not like this was the first time I'd said this sort of thing. She'd never cried before. Not once. Had my words finally gotten to her? Could it be that I was one step closer to getting her to break up with Jesse?
For some reason, though, I wasn't as pleased with myself as I should have been. And I didn't get why. I mean, this was good; this was what I wanted… so why wasn't I acting all smug towards her like I would have done to anyone else?
"What is it that you don't get, Paul?" Suze asked, looking so sad that I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. I didn't like the way the tears that were trickling slowly down her cheeks were making me want to tell her that I was sorry and that everything was going to be all right. I looked away from her, unable to stand looking at the pain in her eyes.
"If I didn't have Jesse then I don't know what I'd do," she went on. "Thinking that I'll never see him again is just the worst feeling in the world, and all I'm hoping is that somehow it won't be as bad if I know that what we have lasted as long as it possibly could."
Her voice was pleading; it was like she was doing all she possibly could to make me feel guilty. And it was working. This huge part of me didn't want to do anything to hurt her. I loved her too much. But, no matter how much it tried to, I wasn't going to let that part of me take over.
God, she thought she was this big victim, didn't she? Well, she wasn't the only one. Suze had absolutely no idea of what she'd put me through. She couldn't possibly understand how when she wasn't with me I was constantly tormented by thoughts of her. I hated spending my time longing for something that I couldn't have. And when we were together I hated her for making me feel that way. For making me want her so badly but not letting me have her. For not letting me kiss her… For choosing a dead guy over me.
Letting my frustration take over, I pushed the guilt she had made me feel with her little speech away and said, "You're being ridiculous, Suze. You're going to have to wake up eventually. And when you do, I'll be right here."
Suze's glare turned to a look of disbelief and then she said, "Is there something wrong with you? Because I thought I'd made my feelings for you clear. I think you're the one that needs to wake up, Paul; if you think that one day I'm going to come running to you! I hate you!"
I stared at her, trying to convince myself that she was lying. But I was finding it hard to ignore the sincerity in her voice when she said that. "You-" I started to say but Suze interrupted.
"I'm serious, Paul," she said, eyes blazing, "The moment you walked into my life everything started going downhill for me. And your constant reminders of everything that's wrong with my relationship with Jesse are not helping. It's like you're just trying to make me miserable! And, to tell the truth, I wouldn't put it past you. Do you get some kind of kick out of it?"
"Of course not, Suze. I swear I don't want to hurt you, I just…"
I'd never felt so pathetic. There I was, practically begging Suze not to hate me. What was wrong with me? I don't beg! I couldn't believe I was actually behaving like this. What happened to not caring about other people? See what Suze had reduced me to? She's brought out this weakness in me. I snapped my mouth shut and did my best not to glare at her.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, "If you don't want to hurt me then why do you keep doing it? You must love kicking people when they're down because you can't seem to get enough of doing it to me-"
"Shut up," I said. My voice was quiet but it still got my sudden anger across to Suze quite effectively. She shut her mouth automatically and actually looked pretty scared.
I didn't get it. Why did I care? Why were the things she was saying hurting me so much? Why did the hate in her eyes as she looked up at me cause me to feel more pain than I ever had before?
My fists clenched. I was furious at myself for feeling like this. And I was furious at Suze for being the one who was making me feel like this. There was no way she was going to get away with this.
"God," I said in the same quiet voice. "God, I really hate you sometimes."
She stared at me, her eyes wide with fear. She could tell how angry I was, and she was obviously worried about what I was going to do next. But I didn't care. This anger felt good, I wasn't weak or vulnerable any more, and I could do what I wanted. I could prove to myself that Suze didn't matter, that she was nothing to me – just like I was nothing to her.
And I knew how to do it too. I knew exactly how to make Suze feel the same pain that I had felt before. And I didn't care what the consequences were, just as long as I got back at Suze.
I don't know what I was going to say next. Before any words would come Suze said, "I'm leaving now. You don't have to worry about driving me home, I'll walk."
I watched as she walked out of the room. There was no point in trying to stop her. She could go mess up her feet again if she wanted. I didn't care. I was too angry with her.
I don't know what made her think she could say those things to me. It was like she thought I didn't have feelings. That she could say anything and it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't care. Well sorry to disappoint you, Suze, but I do care, way too much.
What right did she have to make me feel this way? She wasn't going to get away with it, that was for sure. She couldn't make me fall in love with her then just keep putting me down all the time. I was going to make sure she knew that.
So when Jesse showed up in my room later that night – probably because Suze had told him what had happened between us and he was here to kick my ass because of it – I did what I'd been wanting to do since I first found out about Suze's feelings for him, I shifted with him and left him stranded in Shadowland. I didn't care about the deal I'd made with Suze, none of that mattered to me anymore. The only reason I wanted to see Suze now was so I knew she was suffering as much as I was.
I told Jesse exactly what I thought of him and his relationship with Suze. I made sure he felt guilty about staying with her and how he was getting in the way of her life. He didn't want to listen to me, he tried to ignore it at first, but I could tell that he knew what I was saying was true. When I was sure that he was going to move on I left him there. If it didn't work and Suze brought him back then I'd just have to try something that he couldn't get out of so easily. Either way Suze was going to regret what she'd said to me, there was no doubt about that.
When Suze didn't come to school the next day I knew it had worked. Jesse was gone, and this time he wasn't coming back. Good, I thought. It'd teach her not to mess with me.
When Suze did turn up at school the day after that, though, she was different somehow. She didn't come over and yell at me or hit me like I was expecting her to do; she just ignored me. Not that it mattered, just as long as she had some idea of how I had felt, I didn't care what she did.
When I watched her I saw that she wasn't as lively as she was before. Her eyes weren't as bright. She didn't laugh and joke with her friends. It was like nothing mattered to her anymore. She was heart broken.
And that suited me just fine.
I was so sick of Suze and the way she made me feel. I wasn't the slightest bit bothered that she wasn't going to come to any more shifter lessons. I didn't even want to do the stupid things any more. I didn't care if I never saw her again.
As the days went by, and I continued to watch Suze act like she just didn't care about anything anymore, I started to wonder how much she had really changed me. I mean, I had done this to her and I just didn't care. I was still the same guy who did whatever it took to get what I wanted, no matter who I ended up hurting. The thing was, though, that I found, even after everything that had happened, one of the other things that hadn't changed were my feelings for Suze. Sure, I was still angry with her but I wanted her just the same. It was my anger that had made me do what I did, it must have been. Because, really, I still loved her.
And she still hated me.
'Hate' was probably the understatement of the century by now. She knew it was me who'd got rid of Jesse. How could she not know?
She hadn't been lying when she said that she wouldn't come running to me when Jesse left, she hadn't so much as looked at me since it happened. Jesse wasn't in the way of us being together anymore; instead it was Suze's hatred for me, something that was my own fault.
I kept watching her. Almost longingly, I guess. I couldn't believe how much my attitude had changed in just a few days. Before I had been pleased that she was so upset but now I felt pained just from seeing her tired, lifeless eyes or her fake smile. She wasn't getting any better. I wasn't proud of what I'd done any more. Her broken heart was no longer fine by me. I wanted to make it better but didn't know how.
I couldn't believe that I'd just sat and laughed as I watched her world crumble in front of her. And then, after making sure that she refused to even look at me anymore, I'd realised that I couldn't live without her.
She'd done it again. She'd made me feel guilty. And this time I couldn't forget about it. This time I'd gone too far.
Sure, I've hurt people in the past, but I've never cared before. Not like this. It hadn't mattered a bit to me. But now the guilt was almost unbearable. Suze didn't deserve this. All she'd done was love somebody else. And out of anger and jealousy I'd ruined her life. And now I regret it.
I tried apologizing, but it did no good. I wasn't expecting it to either. I just wanted her to know that I felt bad for what I'd done, and then perhaps she wouldn't hate me quite so much. But, of course, she wouldn't even look at me.
She could have yelled at me, screamed at me how much she loathed me or she could have hit me or anything but it wouldn't had hurt as much as that did. Because that just proved that I was nothing to her.
It was only then that I realised what I'd done. I'd made it so that the only person who I really cared about hated me more than anything. Now I was alone again. And there was nothing I could do about it. I'd dug my own grave and now I had to lie in it.
Unless...