Disclaimer: We do not own the characters of 'The Phantom of the Opera' or Snowflake (who is borrowed from Cleolinda Jones' 'Phantom in 15 Minutes').
A/N: This little bit of late-night madness started out as a parody of slash and went downhill from there. Fast. When it comes to characters, we believe in equal-opportunity bashing (though some may be more equal than others!), but it's fun all around, honest! Enter at your own risk.
"Angel of darkness, let her go! And take me instead!" Raoul stood, white shirt undone, as Snowflake snorted behind him.
Christine stamped her foot in protest and the Phantom raised an eyebrow.
"I may have been hidden underground surrounded by giant water features and know nothing of real life, but I know I don't swing that way."
Christine snorted much like Snowflake. "Water feature? I though it was a sewer."
Raoul threw himself at the Phantom's feet, hair wildly escaping from the confines of his previously perfect ponytail as everyone (including the horse) ignored Christine. "I knew from the very moment I saw you I had to have you! Ever since I was a young boy listening to the operas of ABBA I knew I was different."
"What about me, what about Little Lotte, huh? Am I to be a single mother relying on welfare, while you go on Oprah to talk about your self-discovery?" Christine took advantage of the resulting silence to also throw herself at the Phantom's feet.
And once again she was ignored as Raoul cast an appraising look at Erik's swan bed. Then he looked back at Christine. Then at the bed.Then at Erik. Erik slowly backed away.
The thought that struck him as odd as his back hit a wall halting any further escape was that someone always saved the fop or naive girl. Did anyone ever save the slightly homicidal opera ghost? The answer was an obvious 'no' as Raoul pulled a face that was definitely an attempt to be alluring and sexy. Christine attempted to match it, and the result was an all-out modelling contest as the former childhood 'sweethearts' tried to outdo each other.
Then another horrible thought presented itself. It was so horrible it necessitated a rewind of the previous lines cue screechy sound and Christine babbling like a chipmunk right until there it was. "Did you just say... single MOTHER!"
Christine smiled beatifically.
Raoul did a good impersonation of Zoolander, as his perfect features moulded themselves into a pout of incomprehension.
"And this is bad?" he tried hopefully, while attempting to follow the staring match between Erik and Christine.
The fierce Phantom looked rather stunned. "I can say with absolute honesty that it isn't mine. Remember, denied the flesh. Is that something a guy would normally admit to?"
Christine tried to ignore the unhealthy glitter this admission caused in Raoul's worshipful eyes. If she didn't know better, she'd have thought ... "No," she said rather decisively, making the two men jump in surprise. "No no, definitely not. Absolutely not."
"You're not... pregnant?" Raoul finally caught up with the events.
"It was a hypothetical," the Phantom said, secretly congratulating himself on deftly moving away from the subject of his virginity and simultaneously having the opportunity to use a long and complicated word like 'hypothetical'.
Christine stamped her foot. "No!" she said again, with even more force. She had just discovered that she enjoyed being decisive and she wasn't going to let long words get in the way. "But I was thinking about getting a kitten."
"I love kittens!" the two men exclaimed in a somewhat unexpected unison. "For dinner," the Phantom added in a hasty, and not altogether convincing, attempt to regain his dignity.
"You can cook?" Raoul perked up at the mention of a meal, "men who are good in the kitchen are good with their hands and..."
"GO, GO NOW!" Erik unexpectedly burst out into a screamy-song.
"And you can SING!" Raoul continued even more brightly.
"Duh," Christine rolled her eyes.
"Say you'll share..." Raoul trilled, delighted by his belated discovery - only to find himself on the floor, cocooned in several layers of lasso and with the Phantom's foot pressing painfully into his neck.
"Perhaps you haven't heard," the Phantom said pleasantly, glad to be back on familiar territory, and ground his heel a little, "I don't like to SHARE."
"Sharing choke bad, got it. How about be just fool around for a while then? Choking choke kind of choke good, though..."
Erik had never jumped back so fast in his entire life. The lasso lay lifeless on the cold floor, still wrapped around Raoul who was looking a little too satisfied for anyone's liking.
"Oh God," Christine whispered in horror and warped fascination.
"Indeed," said the Phantom, without taking his eyes off the sight.
"Incidentally," Christine added, "it wasn't a hyperbolical, you know."
"Hypothetical," Erik amended automatically, before doing a double take. "It wasn't?"
"No."
"You are?"
"Yes."
"And it's not?"
"No. Yes. I mean " Christine narrowed her eyes. "What did you mean about ... uh... flesh?"
"Christine, did anyone ever explain to you how one gets a child?"
"Of course I know how you get a child, and I know it has nothing to do with flesh, that's for sure. Daddy explained it to me real good before he died sniff and that's how I know I'm going to have a baby."
The Phantom just stared back blankly waiting for her to continue. She produced a bag and placed it on a conveniently placed table. She removed the contents and sat it it carefully before them.
"That, my darling, is our baby. Well, it will be."
Erik stared blankly at the cabbage sitting before him. For once in his life, he was pretty sure we wasn't the most insane person in the room.
"Daddy told me all about how babies come from cabbage patches. Do you think one cabbage is enough, though?" Christine furrowed her brow so prettily that Erik almost believed in the cabbage there and then.
"What about meeeee?" moaned Raoul from the floor, where he was being nuzzled by Snowflake.
"Get your own cabbage," Christine uncharacteristically snapped.
It occurred to Erik this was not the way he had planned on things turning out. Maybe kidnapping Christine wasn't the smartest idea he ever had. This was worse than his error in judgement at letting the ballet dancers attempt flamenco dancing in 'Don Juan Triumphant'. Just like the dancers (and the chandelier), this situation had crashed and burned.
"Christine, Christine, don't think that I don't care - but you have lost your mind." Raoul sat up abruptly, swatting Snowflake away in the process and attempting to disentangle himself from coils of lasso.
"I have not!" Christine protested hotly. "I have it right here, look!"
The cabbage was joined by what looked very much like a dead rodent.
"I said MIND, Christine. Not MINK."
"Oh." "Is it real?" Erik tried to sound like he wasn't the least bit interested."Did you kill it yourself?"
"Yep!" she beamed at him proudly.
"Oh baby," Erik melted into a little puddle of metaphorical goo. "And did you..."
"Yes, Erik! I used My First Lasso that you got me for Christmas!"
"Mon Dieu..." breathed Raoul, falling once again to his knees.
"Pardon?" said Christine, with a decidedly non-French accent. "Speak English, man."
"My God," breathed Raoul, falling once again to his knees.
"See, you can when you try," Christine nodded with approval.
"My God, who is this girl," Raoul continued, his voice scaling the heights of hysteria, "who hunts to kill!"
"I'm loving this change, but maybe that kitten isn't such a great idea, Christine," Erik interrupted.
"That's all right my dumpling; we have our cabbage which shall soon be a baby."
Erik and Raoul shared a look, for once it seemed they agreed on something. Christine was going to be a very, very single mother.
The End