Deep in the bleached sands of Hueco Mundo, a new day begins. Today we rise together and celebrate in a festivity of festivities- of course, it must be epic, as is it's host.
Title: Behind The Scenes: Hueco Mundo
Author: XTheCherryOnTopX
Pairings: Ulquihime, Nnoinel, Aizen father-complex
Warning: It's just pure, raw crack, so assume there is a bit of cursing and OOC. I like it like that. This story will mostly be in Nnoitra and Szayel's point of view, because those two are just total BFF's in this.
SCENE I: Vanité de Vanille
...
Darkness surrounded Ulquiorra as he snuggled under the green covers of his bed.
Darkness was...delightful.
Yeah, because they're both spelled with a 'D'.
He was not the type of person -cough- excuse me, Arrancar, to wake up early unless Aizen-sama wanted him to.
He remember his words from yesterday, the ones he had spoken to that prisoner girl, Orihime.
"If you do not eat, I will strap you down and force it down your throat."
Ulquiorra chuckled evilly in his sleep. Yes...
He suddenly felt a presence near him, slowly approaching, creeping.
'I swear, if it's Grimmjow wanting to borrow my yarn balls again, I'm cero-ing him right here and now. Can't he see I need those for knitting? That woman's clothes were handmade by yours truly, and he-'
"RISE AND SHINE, CIFER-KUN!" a hand slapped down on Ulquiorra's head, ruffling his black fluffyness.
Ulquiorra sat up very slowly, glaring daggers at Orihime, who was wide awake, dressed in her beautiful Sosuke-Aizen-Army uniform that he had spent forever making her.
Then he noticed that it was just shreds hanging off her.
Ulquiorra screamed.
"EEEEEEEEEHHHH!" he pointed at Orihime, who now covered her ears with her hands. "WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-"
"Cifer-kun?"
"WHAT HAPPENED?" He screamed, pointing dramatically at her torn-up clothes.
Orihime looked down at herself, puzzled, and then grinned brightly, "Oh, I was playing with Grimmjow-kun!" she squealed, before taking off out the door, "Breakfast in five, Cifer-kun!"
Ulquiorra stared wide-eyed at the door Orihime had just exited from.
Someone was gonna die today.
...
"Where's Aizen-sama?" Nnoitra stalks into the dining room hall in Las Noches, his hair wrapped up in a towel.
"Daddy's not here right now." Halibel says , "He should be here any minu-"
"Nnoitra-sama!" Tesla says happily, bounding over. "Are you free today? If you are, can we-"
"Tesla, your a piece of crap. No more, no less."
Orihime says, "That's so mean, Nnoitra."
Nnoitra says, "I never asked you for your opinion, bitch."
"ALL RISE FOR LORD AIZEN." A mysterious voice calls. All the espada, along with Gin, Tousen, and Orihime, stand up.
Aizen walks into the room in his bathrobe, a newspaper, and bunny slippers.
"Welcome, everyone. It has been exactly a yea-"
"Aizen-sama, Tousen isn't here yet."
"Then we shall wait for him."
Everyone groaned at that.
An hour later, Tousen walks into the dining room. "Aizen-sama-" and trips over Szayel's chemistry set.
Szayel drops his cell phone, "HEY, be careful with that! I spent my entire allowance on that chem set!"
Halibel says monotonously, "Then why would you leave it on the floor?"
Everyone bursts out laughing.
Aizen looks up from his paper and frowns. "Now now my children, we do not laugh at other people's pain-"
"What do you mean, dad? That's what the espada were born for." Nnoitra corrects.
Aizen stares at him for a moment, then smiles all Aizen-like. "Hm. Correct. Carry on."
Everyone continues to laugh.
Grimmjow says in a grumpy tone, "What the hell took you so long? We've been waiting here for an hour!"
Kaname looks at a lamp on his left, "Well excuse me, Grimmjow-"
"I'm over here, stupid!"
"Well excuse me, Grimmjow." Kaname said to Santa Teresa.
"Someone help him!"
"Moving on..." Aizen cleared his throat, "As you all know, it is Hueco Mundo Independance Day. This is the day that I, Sosuke Aizen, achieved the task of taking my place as King of Hueco Mundo, relieiving our second Espada. Everyone please give Barragan a round of applause."
The Espada all start clapping. Some also start snickering. Barragan gets all depressed.
"Now then, everyone please say the oath. Ready? Begin."
At this, everyone in the room except of Aizen begin to recite the oath.
"We the espada of Las Noches, located in the great Hueco Mundo, pledge allegiance to Aizen Sosuke, and his mighty sash of wysteria. To take over Karakura, ignore Soul Society, and cause much destruction and hysteria. To Kyoka Suigetsu, for whom it kills, one nation, under Aizen-sama, ever-powerful, with tea and nachos for all."
...
Orihime had drawn up an extra seat on Ulquiorra's right. Gin sat on one end of the long table, and Aizen sat on the other.
Grimmjow and Nnoitra had engaged in a food fight, flinging fried eggs back and fourth.
Aizen completely ignored everything that was happening, but simply sipped his tea and read his newspaper.
Barragan kept pestering Halibel to go out with him.
"I've had enough!" Halibel screeched, pointing her fork at him menacingly, "If you do not silence yourself, I will castrate you with this fork, right now!"
Barragan sunk into his chair dissapointedly. 'Oh well, at least there's Loli and Menoly...and that Cirqui girl... or whatever her name is...'
Starrk had fallen asleep in his plate of mashed potatoes.
"Starrk, you moron, wake the hell up." Nnoitra said, poking Starrk in the side and dodging a spoonful of green beans from Grimmjow's side.
Ulquiorra stormed in. "GRIMMJOW!"
Silence. Grimmjow looked up from his green beans. "The hell do you want?"
"What did you do to woman's clothes?" Ulquiorra snarled, pointing at Orihime, who was sitting enjoying her pancakes, humming happily.
"It's not my fault. We were playing with a ball of yarn and-"
"Don't give me that! Do you not know how hard I worked to make those-"
"Well maybe you shouldn't let her wear them so often if they tear up so damn easily!"
"Excuse me? Perhaps you should be more considerate-"
(This goes on.)
...
(LATER)
After the arguing was over, Ulquiorra sat himself very manly-like next to Orihime, taking up his calm, cool demeanor, and...
held up the spoon to Orihime.
"Open your mouth, Woman."
"Naa-ah, I don't want anymore, Cifer-kun!" Orihime held both her hands out in front of her face.
Ulquiorra pushed her hands away. "I told you I would force it down if you didn't eat it-"
"That was yesterday, and it was mushroom soup! I hate mushroom soup!"
"Silence, woman. Now eat." Ulquiorra held up the spoon to her lips, "Hear comes the planeeee!"
"Nooooo I don't want any!"
"SURPRAIZEN!" Gin shrieks, popping out behind Szayel, who screams out loud, dropping his fork.
Gin slinks next to him and picks up a pink bag hanging off of his chair, "Oh, does this look sexy on me? Hey Szayel, why do you carry a pink handbag?"
"It's a satchel, not a handbag."
"Oh really?" Gin dumps the contents of the bag onto the table. "A pink iPod?"
"It was on sale."
"A pink phone?"
"Ever heard of matching?"
"Yes...it's for gay people. Ooh, a shoujo manga... "Mermaid Melody Pitchi Pitchi Pitch"?"
"...It's from my girlfriend."
"Yeah, your girlfriend named Fred!"
Szayel snatches his stuff away from Gin and stuffs it back into his pu- er, satchel, "I'm not gay, you imbecile."
"Then why is your hair pink?"
"We cannot choose the color of hair we are born with!"
"Yeah!" Grimmjow says, standing up. "I second that! Look at my hair color. Baby blue? That's so not badass-like!"
"Yeah, yeah! You guys match, it's like friggin' cotton candy!" Nnoitra said.
Everyone stares at him.
Orihime bursts into a fit of girly little giggles.
...
Nnoitra was really, really pissed.
Women suck. Platypus shit.
Acting all dominant over men on the battlefield- who did they think they were?
They might be really tempting and stuff, but they were a pain in the butt.
First he had to deal with that crazy Neliel bitch, and now this.
Why couldn't Ulquiorra keep his stupid girlfriend in check?
...
Nnoitra stood outside Orihime's bathroom door, his ear pressed to the door.
He could hear the shower running, and Orihime's happy singing.
Nnoitra growled, his teeth clenching angrily, his hand on the doorknob tightening.
He was going to kill her.
You see, Nnoitra had this hair conditioner- Herbal Essences Vanity's Vanilla, it was called, and it was the most amazing conditioner ever.
It made his already sexy, gorgeous, pitch black hair even more perfect, silky, soft, and smell so damn good.
And it was expensive.
So, Nnoitra had noticed, his beloved conditioner had been disappearing lately.
And, he noticed, that jailbird girl smelled like vanilla a lot.
At first, he'd dismissed it, because he was Nnoitra Jiruga, the greatest damn Espada to ever live, and he was not going to be stumped by an evil conniving little girl and her conditioner-stealing ways.
But then she did it again.
Over and over again, for a whole month Nnoitra found himself buying his vanilla-scented conditioner more then he usually did because the jailbird girl kept on taking it!
Just taking his epic conditioner without even asking him-
and she already used up 2 freaking bottles!
Who does she think-
"Nnoitra-sama! What're you doing? May I join?"
Nnoitra turned and glared at Tesla as meanly as he could with his one eye. "Get lost, you piece of crap."
Tesla hangs his head and walks off.
...Now, where were we?
Oh yeah.
Who did she think she was?
Well, Nnoitra had had enough.
He could bet Orihime was in there right now, squeezing some of that liquid gold onto her undeserving fingers before lathering it into her undeserving hair!
It was driving him insane.
And so, he pulled a hairpin out of his gorgeous, vanilla-conditioner-deserving hair (don't ask) and stuck it into the lock, grinning evilly when it clicked open.
With his mind set on avenging his previously finished bottles of his vanilla conditioner, Nnoitra shoved the bathroom door open and barged in.
"EEEEEK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT! GET OUT! CIFER-KUN!"
Nnoitra glared hatefully at the orange-haired girl, who was standing there, one hand gripping the shower curtain to cover herself, and with the other hand, the bottle of his-
vanilla shampoo.
At the sight of his treasure, Nnoitra's angry glare darkened, and he stalked clear across the bathroom.
"W-What do you want?" Orihime said in a scared tone, shivering from the cold air on her wet skin as the 7-foot espada took menacing steps towards her. "Cifer—"
"Dorko can't save you here." Nnoitra said evilly.
His hand shot forward, and Orihime pressed her back against the wall fearfully, eyes closed, and when she opened her eyes...
Nnoitra stood, towering over, well, everything, with the conditioner bottle in his hands.
He had opened the bottle, peering inside it with his single eye curiously.
Orihime stared at him incredulously.
"What-"
"You!" Nnoitra snapped suddenly, pointing. "How dare you steal my vanilla scented conditioner, you little shit?"
Orihime reached out to grab a towel and then wrapped it around her.
"You mean you barged in on me when I was taking a shower just because of your conditioner?"
"It was one thing to use it once," Nnoitra countered, "But then you did it again and again! Fucking no, bitch! It's mine!"
Orihime supposed she shouldn't be surprised, Espada were capable of anything- literally, but...
"Now…"
Nnoitra's evilly smooth tone snapped Orihime out of her thoughts, watching as Nnoitra reached into his pocket and pulled something out.
Nnoitra smirked sadistically as jailbird girl gasped, brown eyes widening.
"No!" Orihime cried as she stared at him, begging.
"That's right."
"Baby!" she shrieked miserably, desperately staring at her Ulquiorra plushie, which Ulquiorra himself had made for her with his own two hands, clutched tightly in Nnoitra's fist, as he held it over the toilet.
"Give me my shampoo."
"...Eh?"
"My shampoo," Nnoitra said, "Hand it over and I'll give you the ugly plushie."
"You...you meanie!" Orihime cried, eyes brimming with tears, "It's not ugly! Your... your hair is ugly!"
Silence.
Nnoitra's eyes widened.
Never, in all of his life, had anyone said that his beautiful, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, perfect hair was ugly.
How dare she.
How dare she!
So Nnoitra mercilessly dropped the Ulquiorra plushie in the toilet, his hand coming down on the flush so hard it snapped off.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH! NO! BABYYY!" Orihime screamed, "CIFER-KUN! CIFER-KUN!"
"JUST BE GLAD I'M NOT SANTA TERESA-ING YOU RIGHT NOW, BITCH!"
...
Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, Aizen and Orihime all sat around a table.
Orihime was dressed, sniffling, a box of tissues in front of her. Ulquiorra sat silently. Aizen had his eyes closed, leaning against his hand, as his elbox was propped on the table.
Nnoitra sighed inwardly.
'Great. She's bitched to Ulquiorra, who bitched to Aizen-sama.'
Aizen looked at Nnoitra calmly. "What do you propose, Nnoitra?"
Nnoitra sighed.
"Look…"
He shifted slightly at Orihime's tear-filled gaze.
"I... I'll let you use the shampoo!"
Orihime smiled brightly.
"Really?" she said. "And the conditioner?"
"What? Hell n-"
Nnoitra suddenly felt a very, very dense reiatsu wearing him down.
He looked over at Ulquiorra, who was glaring hatefully, and at Aizen, who still looked serene.
"You were saying, Nnoitra?" Aizen said in a soft, calm voice.
Damn.
"A—And… And the conditioner…"
Orihime's eyes shined happily.
"And you'll get my Ulquiorra plushie out of the toilet?"
Nnoitra groaned.
'Spoiled bitch.'