Magnus had left the apartment when he was sure Alec was out of the building. Camille had told him that Alec met some nights. She told him that he was thinking about taking away Magnus's immortality.
Magnus didn't want to believe her, had thought that Alec would never betray him like that.
But he had to know. Had to know if Alec was actually going to make him mortal.
He had been at the abandoned subway station for a few minutes when he saw a tall figure appear, his black hair shaggy as ever, a coat tightly wrapped around his shivering frame.
So, Magnus thought, he really is doing this.
"Alec," he said. "Alexander Gideon Lightwood."
He turned around at hearing his name. He looked surprised and terrified, like a kid caught stealing candy. His mouth was open, and his eyes were wide.
"Magnus?" he asked, his expression becoming a look of shock on his face.
Magnus moved forward, hoping for this to be a dream, hoping that he'd wake up any second now, and find Alec right next to him in bed, fast asleep, his chest rising and falling lightly, his hair spread around his face like a halo.
"Magnus," Alec said again. "I thought you were asleep."
"Evidently," Magnus choked out, wishing he had never come here in the first place.
Magnus saw Alec swallow. "Did you follow me?" he asked.
"You could say that," Magnus replied. He kept a cold fierceness in his eyes. He couldn't let the boy see how he was really feeling. "It helped that I knew where you were going," he added as he pulled out the paper Camille had given him. "You know, when she told me you'd been here-told me about the bargain she struck with you-I didn't believe her. But here you are."
Magnus saw Alec's eyes change to a look of hatred-for him or Camille, he couldn't say. He hoped it was for him, so this could be easier. "She told you-"
Magnus held his hand up, cutting Alec short. "Just stop," he said, unable to keep the wearing from leaking into his voice. "Of course she told me. I warned you she was a master of manipulation and politics, but you didn't listen to me. Who do you think she'd rather have on her side-me or you? You're eighteen years old, Alexander. You're not exactly a powerful ally."
"I already told her. I wouldn't kill Raphael." Alec sounded worn out. "I came here and told her the bargain was off, I wouldn't do it-"
"You had to come all the way here, to this abandoned subway station, to deliver that message?" He was starting to get a little irritated with Alec, with the excuses he was making. He raised his eyebrows to hide the irritation. "You don't think you could have delivered essentially the same message by, perhaps, staying away?"
"It was-" Alec started.
"And even if you did come here-unnecessarily-and tell her the deal was off," Magnus cut off, his voice calmer than he felt, "why are you here now? Social call? Just visiting? Explain it to me, Alexander, if there's something I'm missing."
He swallowed again.
"Magnus-" he said after a moment's hesitation. He started towards Magnus, who stepped back. He couldn't help looking at Alec as if he was worse than a criminal. Because he was worse. He was beautiful, kind, sweet, and ignorant. Ignorant of Magnus's past, of his true self.
"I'm so sorry," he continued, his voice scratchy. "I never meant-"
Magnus thought back to the favor he had asked Clary for in return for him waking her mother. "I was thinking about it, you know. That's part of why I wanted the Book of White. Immortality can be a burden. You think of the days that stretch out before you, when you have been everywhere, see everything." Magnus thought of his old friends, ones that were either long dead or off on their own- Will, Tessa, Jem, Charlotte, James, Catarina-friends who had lived their lives and died. Friends who had been able to experience the one thing he hadn't. "The one thing I hadn't experienced was growing old with someone-someone I loved. I thought perhaps it would be you. But that does not make the length of my life your choice and not mine."
"I know," Alec's voice sounded desperate, pleading. That made the next thing he had to say even worse. But it didn't make him change his mind. He had to do it. "I know, and I wasn't going to do it-"
"I'll be out all day." Here it comes. "Come and get your things out of the apartment. Leave your key on the dining room table," his eyes were searching Alec's face. He couldn't take it back. It would mean doing something he didn't think he could do again. "It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec. Or any of your friends. I'm tired of being your pet warlock." There it was.
Alec's hands were shaking, and he dropped his witchlight. He scrambled on the ground, looking for it, but Magnus had already spotted it on the ground, and bent to pick it up. Alec stood, and stared at the witchlight in Magnus's hand.
"It shouldn't light up like that for anyone but a Shadowhunter."
Magnus held the witchlight, its color a dark red, out to Alec. He couldn't tell him the truth.
"Is it because of your father?" Alec asked him
Magnus stayed silent. What else could he do? Tell Alec who his father was-one of the most powerful demons of all time? Instead, he just tipped the witchlight into Alec's hands, which were as cold as the wind in the subway station. "You're freezing cold."
"I am?" Alec asked in answer to Magnus's statement.
"Alexander. . ." Magnus pulled him close. The witchlight's color changed rapidly, but he barely noticed. He was only focused on one thing-the true beauty that was Alexander Lightwood. No, he told himself. You don't love him. He's just another in a long line of lovers. He'll never be anything more.
But he knew, deep down, he would always be so much more.
Alec put his head against Magnus's shoulder. Magnus just held him, not truly wanting to let him go, but knowing he had to.
"Kiss me," Alec said. Magnus was glad Alec had said that.
He put his hand to Alec's face, and brushed his thumb across Alec's cheekbones. He had done it so many times, he wouldn't have noticed if this wasn't the last time he'd do it. Magnus bent to kiss him, and as he did, Alec grabbed his sleeve, the witchlight flaring up in colors of rose and blue and green. He thought that if he could've seen this in an out-of-body experience, he would've thought it was beautiful. Even from here it looked beautiful. The way the light shone on Alec's beautiful face-the light casting shadows across his face, the blue light making his eyes even bluer for a brief second before the other colors became overshadowed by the light in his eyes until it came back, the way Alec's lips moved in sync with his, as they always had. And, for a brief second, Magnus thought he felt his heart break. Break because he would not have this boy by his side for as long as possible. But that was probably for the best.
The kiss was slow and sweet, but sad, too. He pulled away, and let go of the witchlight, so Alec was holding it by himself. The color had gone back to white, leaving Alec's already pale face look almost ghostly.
Knowing it wouldn't make a difference, he whispered, "Aku cinta kamu."
"What does that mean?" Alec asked.
Magnus pulled away from him, wanting to leave, and get it over with. Because he thought that he might just crumple up on the ground if he didn't leave soon. "It means 'I love you.' Not that that changes anything."
"But if you love me-"
"Of course I do. More than I thought I would." If Ragnor could be here, he'd probably make a snide comment, like, 'Magnus doesn't love anyone except the person he sees in the mirror.' But it was true. He knew it in his heart. But that was why he was doing this, wasn't it? "But we're still done. It doesn't change what you did."
"But it was just a mistake," he whispered. "One mistake-"
Magnus laughed sharply. "One mistake. That's like calling the maiden voyage of the Titanic a minor boating accident. Alec, you tried to shorten my life."
"It was just-" he stammered, "She offered, but I thought about it and I couldn't go through with it-I couldn't do that to you."
"But you had to think about it. And you never mentioned it to me," he shook his head. "You didn't trust me. You never have." And you've never trusted him, a voice in his head whispered. You've only told him the same lies you tell everyone.
"I do-I will-I'll try," he stammered. "Give me another chance-"
"No. And if I might give you a piece of advice: Avoid Camille. There is a war coming, Alexander, and you don't want your loyalties to be in question. Do you?"
Magnus took a brief second to take in Alexander: his shaggy black hair, always messy, but in an adorable way. His beautiful blue eyes, which always seemed to hold a bit of wonder when the two would spend some time alone or go on a date.
And he walked away.
And by the time he got to his apartment, he could barely see, because his eyes were blurred with tears. Tears that were caused by one Shadowhunter. One Shadowhunter that he was sure he loved.