Title: Wild World
Author: Calex
Rating: PG-13 (for potty-mouth)
Disclaimer: I own nada, but the plot. The characters belong to Joss Whedon, the song belongs to Cat Stevens.
Feedback: if you could.
Email: aida(dot)zahar(at)gmail(dot)com
Summary: oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
She had her eyes closed and she was just swaying, swaying to some beat that only she seemed to hear. Tears were streaming down that face of hers as she twirled around, suddenly, the skirts of her white dress flaring before she abruptly stopped and the skirt settled around her thighs. He'd swear he'd seen a flash of garters when she'd twirled, but he didn't want to think about it. Leather creaked as he leaned against the doorway, arms crossed and an unreadable expression on his face. She was humming, now, and that tune was just so hauntingly familiar to him. Though why there was something that he should know that she was humming... well. He had no idea. At all. But when she opened her mouth and started singing... he realised how little he knew his bit. If at all.
Now that I've lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving,
baby I'm grieving.
She held out her arms and twirled, just twirled, head tilted back and streams of brown hair falling, flying, floating in the air. He heard the tune in his head, now, the words coming to him. Cat Stevens. Who'd have thought. He had to give the bit some credit, she didn't listen to rubbish music, his girl. He'd taught her better than that. She still didn't appreciate the true genius of Joey Ramone, but at least she wasn't into soddin' Beatles. Or summat like that. He was glad she was out of her "boy band" stage, he thought he would crack if he'd ever had to listen to another rendition of "Backstreet's Back" or "Show Me the Meaning". Those had been quite painful. The soddin' Backstreet Boys. What the bloody everlasting hell had she been thinking?
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.
The song was like her, he thought. Just a bit like his pidge. He never realised it, not until he heard her sing, but it fit. A lot. She was leaving him, she was. All grown up, she was. His little bit and she was going off to college, soon. He'd loathe to part from her, but knew it was for the best. His girl got into Oxford, she did. He was right proud about that, university he'd been to, after all. Magdalen College, as well. The same one he'd been to. She'd asked him, before. Before she'd applied. She'd wanted to experience as much as he had as she could, and this was all she could do short of time travel. She'd always done that sort of thing, always thought of him first, did his pidge. His bit. His nibblet. His. He was going to miss her. Terribly.
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it's breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don't be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
beware,
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
This would be the first time that he wasn't with her, and he... well. He couldn't help being worried about the bit. He cared for her, he did. More than a bit, too. He really loved the nibblet, he'd had to take care of her. After... after big sis had died. It still hurt him, years after. She'd died to save them from Glorificus, and his love... was gone. She didn't leave him alone, though. She gifted him with something precious to her. Her sister. Spike saw to Dawn's upbringing, at the end. All of the others were too busy in their grief. The new Slayer had been called, Faith came back. They fought evil. They ignored Dawn. Watcher moved back to England and handed the shop to Anya, who ran it like a pro. Spike stayed in the Summers' house and looked after the bit, while the rest only pretended to. It was four, nearly five years, now. Since Buffy had gone. It still stung, but he knew it was for the best. He just thanked whatever deity there was out there that he had been lucky enough to stop the witch and her little friends from bringing Buffy back. The effects... he didn't want to think about them. They'd done a spell, Buffy was in heaven. She was happy. The witch had Glenda, demongirl had her whelp... and he had his nibblet. Now she was going to go away and he would be all alone, again. They ignored him, this group. Only she never ignored him, she and Glenda. But... it wouldn't be the same. Never would be the same. He breathed and lived to take care of her but now... she'd be gone.
Baby I love you, but if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad,
and beware, beware,
oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
She'd stopped twirling, and had sighed. Her shoulders drooped and she just seemed so small, just now. So tiny, vulnerable. Sad. He pushed himself away from his comfortable position and walked to her. She didn't show any sign of surprise when she felt his hands on her shoulders, drawing her back into his coldness, his protection, his arms. She laid her head back against his chest and squeezed her eyes closed, the breath leaving her body in a great sigh. His hands automatically went to rubbing her arms, soothingly. They stood like that for long moments, just staring out of the window with him rubbing her arms and she looking bleak. Finally, she broke the silence.
"oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl."
"Too right, too," he said, gruffly. "You listen to that bloke. He's got some sense in his head, he does. You done with all your packing?"
"Yes," she sounded so defeated when she whispered it, so small. He turned her around, but her head was bowed, hair slightly obscuring her face. He pushed the strands behind her ear with a tender hand, then tipped her chin up gently, but firmly.
"What's this then, pidge. You don't have second thoughts, do you?"
"N.no," she looked unsure. Her eyes were so sad, so dark in their blueness. They were too old for her, her eyes. He wished he could protect her from whatever she had seen, but also knew that that was a foolish hope. "I wanna go... I think. I just..." she shrugged, helplessly, gesturing towards her room. "Too many memories, Spike. I feel like I'm leaving forever."
"Not going to be. You'll come and visit, ain't that right, nibblet. You'll come visit your old Spike again, tell me about uni and all the blokes there that don't deserve you. I'll torture them for you, if you'd like."
She laughed helplessly at that, shaking her head. But at least the tears had stopped, at least she had some twinkle in her eyes, again. "You're impossible."
"I try, luv." Then he became serious. "Tell me what's wrong. I want to know, pet. Spike can't help if he doesn't know what to kill."
"Lucky you won't have anyone to kill, then." She sighed again, pulling away from his arms, her surrogate big brother. Father. Friend and mentor. She didn't want to look at him for fear of crying, again. It wasn't a surprise to her, these feelings. Why she was crying. Especially when she heard the lyrics to that song. It was her, those lyrics. Her. And true to what he thought of her, a child. A girl. Too bad, she wanted more than that, had wanted more for a long time, now. She walked closer towards the window and laid her fingertips on the cool glass. Then she laid her heated forehead and fought back the tears again. Yes, he would be the one that would be missed the most, and no matter what she said... she knew she wasn't going to come back. She had nothing to come back, for. He'd move on, after she left. She was sure of that. He had been tied down too long with her, guarding her. Protecting her. She only hoped that he remembered how it was like to be evil, so he could get some kind of life.
"Don't lie to me, nibblet. I know when you lie. Your forehead twitches slightly. And your nostrils flare. You want to tell me something, you say it. I don't want you keeping secrets from me, Dawn."
"You know I can't," her tone was low, anguished. She turned around. "I might not come back, Spike. I don't know if I can come back."
"Love..."
"No, please. Please listen. I... I can't do this anymore. This running and this hiding. This killing and maiming, the living of less than one life. The fact that no one cares for me, and blames me for my sister's death. I have enough of myself blaming me, I don't need anyone else."
"You're wrong," his eyes flashed and she strode over to her, gripping her arm. "You're bloody wrong and you don't even know it. What the hell is this, Dawn? You not coming back? Not bloody likely, love. I'm never letting you away from my sight, not more than I have to. You'll come back, or I'll come and look for you. And I can be very not pleasant when I want to." He shook her, just slightly. "It wasn't your fault, nibblet. Her death. She chose her path, she was the Slayer. She protected the innocent and you are innocent. Were innocent. She did what she had to do."
"Then why do they look at me like that?" she said, harshly. "They blame me, Spike. And I frankly don't blame them for it. I deserve the wariness. I deserve everything. But goddess, I'm getting so fucking tired. I need to go, Spike. Let me go, please. Just... let me go."
"Not bloody likely. I made a promise to the Slayer, love. I plan on keeping that promise." His words stung, stung worse than any pronunciation could. She pulled her arm back, her eyes wide and tear filled.
"So none of this was just for me, is it? All for Buffy? Everything?" She didn't wait for an answer, just turned on her heel and ran. Spike stared after her, before running as well, swearing all the way.
Tears blurred her vision, severely. She saw things in cloudy, murky images and the only thing she heard with any clarity was the drumbeat in her head, muffling any other sound she might have heard. She stumbled, a few times, but she always caught herself. She didn't stop, just kept on running, ignoring people and their stares at the strange, wild haired, tear streaked girl who ran in her pretty white dress with the man running behind her, swearing a blue mile under his breath. She caught her foot on a root in a cemetery and it sent her flying. She landed in a heap on the ground, skin on her knees and hands torn, body jarred by the impact. She let out a little sound, then she just collapsed there, crying. He skidded to a halt by her shaking body and dropped to his knees, pulling her up and into his arms. He rocked her, gently, as she sobbed her pain and her anguish into his shoulder. Then continued to rock her as she beat those small fists of hers against his chest.
"-You insensitive assholic prick. I thought we were more than that. I guess I was wrong. Do you even know how much you hurt me? You hurt me. Oh Spike, Spike I hate you, hate you. Some days I just want to let you at a little sunlight and watch you go puff. Some days. But other days I don't feel anything like that, just a little floaty. And nice. Why'd you have to spoil that, why?"
Finally, her storm of tirades and tears dried up and she just leaned into his touch, sniffling occasionally. He didn't stop rocking her, the whole time. When he was sure she was calm, he spoke, voice careful.
"There is no one on this green earth that I care for more than you, nibblet. I'm not going to lie to you. It began with Buffy, because everything always does. I did it as a promise to her. That I'd take care of lil' sis. But five years is a long time, pet. I got used to your moodiness. And your temper. And I cared for you, just a little bit. Then you became mine, pet. You're mine. Do you understand me?" He pulled her away just long enough to look into her eyes, then shook his head, pulling her back against him. "Mine."
"I love you."
"Love you too, bit."
"No," she said, slowly. She pulled herself from his arms and looked at him, seriously. "I'm in love with you. I love you. Both. Both of that, I feel. I just... I had to say. You know, before I go and I don't get the chance for it."
"Nibblet..."
"Shh.." she pressed a finger to his mouth, smiling sadly. "I know. I know, you love her. And the most you can think of me is as a little sis. But I don't, you know. You're everything, Spike. My everything. I just had to say before I went." He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head. "Don't say anything. At all. I just needed to... needed to say. I'm sorry." With that, she leaned down and placed a quick kiss on his lips, then jumped to her feet and ran away. Spike stared in surprise at the general direction she had run off to. Strange, but his lips tingled where hers has touched him. He lifted a hand to that mouth, then realised what he had done and deliberately lowered the hand down. He stood up, dusted himself off and walked towards the Summers' house.
She left the next morning. He sent her off. She'd hugged him, then gave him a chaste peck on the cheek before disappearing, lugging her hand luggage. He lifted a hand to wave at her, then dropped it again, his hand going to his pocket, then fisting. He felt the edge of paper and took it out, curious. When he saw what it was, he smiled.
Now that I've lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving,
baby I'm grieving.
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it's breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don't be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
beware,
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
Baby I love you, but if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there's a lot of bad,
and beware, beware,
oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
Dear Spike,
I've probably slipped you the letter when I hugged you goodbye. I'm not sorry I said it, you know. That I loved you. I do. I am. In love with you. That won't change, not now. Not yet. Maybe in time... who knows. All I know is that you don't feel the same way, which is cool. Well, not really. But I understand. It started with her, and it ends with me. But not the way I wanted it. So I ended it this way. The easy way. Go, Spike. Do the things that you weren't able to do when you had to take care of me. I'm gone, now. We both knew I wasn't coming back. I'll try to find some friends. I'll try to enjoy myself. I'll try to get a good job.
I guess this is goodbye. Give my love to everyone. I'll miss you.
Dawn.
With a last glance towards the short, simple note, he shook his head, then lovingly folded the note. He glanced towards the customs office, again, but she was no where in sight. She'd gone. Maybe that was for the best. He sighed, and walked outside, into the star-studded night. It was going to be a long night. A long week. A long year. But if she thought they really were done... She had another think coming. Because they so weren't. He was still William the Bloody, and his counterpart was an obsessive thing. Oh, no. Dawn Summers had not seen the back of Spike. With that, he walked back towards the DeSoto, whistling.
oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
end ficlet