WARNING: This story is probably blasphemous. If you are in any way religious, then you are VERY likely to be offended by this content. You have been warned so if you read on then it is on your own head.

JESUS & CTHULHU

Chapter 1: The Sermon on the Mount.

While he was preaching the Sermon on the Mount, what if Jesus was rudely interrupted? I do not own any of the characters in this series of stories. Not even Jesus.

FROM THE RAVINGS OF UNHOLY HOWARD OF PROVIDENCE:

1 And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him and he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

2 "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

3 "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

4 "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth..."

5 And then a massive shape rose up from out of the Sea of Galilee until it dominated the mountain. Yea, manlike but vaster it reached up out of the waters. 6 Bat-like narrow wings extended from its back, stretching out, blotting out the darkening sky. In their shade, night fell and a chill wind, colder than the wastes between the stars, poured forth. Icy cold lay on the earth and the multitude's clothes.

7 Yea, worse was the immense creature's head. Beneath eyes rimmed with red, a mass of tentacles stretched forth around its gaping maw. Garlanded like Caesar, dank and rotten purple weed crowned its terrible head. 8 It roared, a bellow of mixed rage and triumph, a scream of age-old yearning that echoed and re-echoed over Galilee. It's stench was of rotting fish mixed with fouler odours, filling the multitude's noses. 9 Horror of the unutterable chaos of the universe blasted their spirits leaving their shattered souls to wander unholy voids between the spheres.

10 The entire crowd sank to their knees wailing in terror. Still the being reached up out of the Sea until it seemed to fill the skies.

11 "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," the being bellowed.

12 "Speakest not thou Aramaic? Or even better, bible English?" Jesus asketh.

13 "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," the monster roared, yea twice and thrice to make the heavens tremble.

14 "Sorry, pal, your speech passeth all understanding," said Jesus shrugging his shoulders. "Now I hath a sermon to delivereth. So boggeth off before I kicketh thine ass. Or wither thy limbs like I witherest fig trees."

15 Looking around at the now fleeing multitudes, Jesus turned to the monster.

"Thou hath wrecked my sermon on the mount. That was meantest to be my centrepiece when I explaineth what I am here on earth about. 16 Verily, I shall now smiteth thee. For I am the Son of God and yet at the same time, I am also my Father. As well as a Holy Ghost. Whooo-oo! Worketh thou out the Trinity for it beateth even me."

17 The monster looked at Jesus and shook its head. Its lips formed human words with difficulty. "And I thought my cultists were insane but you've got them beat."

18 With one great taloned paw, it made a giant fist and brought it down on the Son Of God, thus squashing him flat. A crater stained with blood was all that was left when the monster lifted its giant fist.

19 "No. I shall inherit the earth and all within it. Not the meek," the Great Old One announced.

20 Peter turned to the rest of the disciples. "Well, that's Christianity finished before it got off the starting blocks. Or is that finishedeth? I never knew why he talked that way. Shall we start worshipping Cthulhu instead?"

21 "Might as well," they replied. "At least we can jack in all that healing of scabby lepers. Or feeding five thousand welfare bums on loaves and fishes."

22 "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," the disciples chanted.

23 And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth throughout the land for ever more.

The Ravings of Unholy Howard of Providence Chapter 1 verses 1 – 23.