"I'm sorry, Erin. I love you." The cell phone dropped out of Erin's hand and she fell to the floor in hysterics. Her mascara ran down her face and she couldn't breathe. Her worst fear had just come true. Had Jay Halstead really left her?
The next few months drug on and on. Erin graduated college and was accepted into the police academy and even hit if off with a cute guy who was in the fire academy. Every ounce of her being missed Jay; she couldn't help but wonder how he was doing as an Army ranger. If he was even alive. Eventually, as time went on, her fear for his safety turned to anger. Who calls their girlfriend the night before he's set to deploy overseas to tell her about it? That's not just something you forget to tell people. Especially the person you were supposed to love.
Let's back up. Erin and Jay met on their first day of college at the University of Chicago in an intro to psychology class. They became inseparable, after a few months Jay finally made the first move, and the rest was history. They dated happily for almost three years, all of their friends jokingly calling them "mom and dad" and admiring everything about the seemingly perfect couple - until the summer before their senior year of college, when everything changed. Jay's mom succumbed to the cancer she was fighting so bravely, and Erin tried as hard as she could to be there for Jay but he wouldn't stop shutting her out. She begged him, day in and day out, "Just let me in Jay. Let me be here for you. Break on me." But he wouldn't. He just bottled it up until he became someone Erin didn't even recognize anymore. He began to fail his classes and the day before their final semester of senior year started, Erin received that phone call that changed her life. Jay wasn't coming back to UC, he was joining the army. And he was leaving the next day, which meant leaving Erin behind without so much as a goodbye hug.
xoxoxoxoxo
Five years later…
Erin said goodbye to Kelly as he pulled up to the 21st district to drop her off for work and gave her fiancé a quick kiss. "See you tonight, be safe," she said, getting out of the car.
"You too, babe," Kelly waved goodbye and drove off toward the firehouse.
"Good morning Lindsay!" Sergeant Platt, who was in an unusually good mood, greeted Erin as she walked through the door to the precinct.
"Platt?" Erin greeted her with an eyebrow raise, concerned about her unusual behavior as the desk sergeant waved her over.
"I just buzzed a real good looking man upstairs, and rumor has it he's your new partner," Platt informed her. Officer Burgess, who'd been standing at the desk waiting for her keys, nodded.
"She's not kidding. If I didn't have Ruzek, I'd be running up the stairs to Intelligence as we speak," Burgess said, smirking at Erin.
Erin rolled her eyes and held up her left hand, showing off her sparkly engagement ring. "Does the name Kelly ring a bell?" she asked the two women and headed for the stairs. She had totally forgotten that Voight was assigning her a new partner today, and she was not looking forward to it. She hoped that this one would at least last more than a week.
Erin reached the top of the stairs and headed for her desk, not even wanting to peek into Voight's office to see the character he was assigning to her this time. She quickly settled in and began to finish up paperwork she hadn't gotten done the night before, when she heard Voight's door open.
"Good morning, everyone. I would like to introduce to you the newest member of our unit, Jay Halstead," the sergeant's raspy voice boomed, and Erin's eyes shot up from the stack of papers on her desk.
"No. Fucking. Way," she muttered, standing up and running back down the stairs and out of the building. She felt like her lungs were closing and she had to lean up against the building for support. Tears burned her eyes and she didn't quite know why. Was she still heartbroken? Was she relieved he was alive? Was she angry that he could just show back up like that, with those beautiful bright blue eyes and adorably freckled nose?
"Linds?" Erin heard the door to the precinct open and saw Antonio coming outside, walking down the stairs toward her. "What was that? Are you okay?"
Erin wiped her eyes and sighed, having no idea how to approach this conversation with the older detective. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Ghost from the past. It just shocked me, but I'll get over it. Let's go." She began to head back up the stairs into the district.
She didn't offer any additional information and Antonio knew not to push her, so he just nodded and followed her back inside. Erin buzzed them both upstairs and Antonio placed a supportive hand on her shoulder as she walked back into the bullpen, where everyone was sitting at their desks doing paperwork as if nothing had happened. She took a deep breath as she walked past her new partner's desk, avoiding eye contact, and into Voight's office, knowing she owed him an apology.
"Sarge?" she knocked on the door.
"Come on in, Lindsay," he said roughly, motioning for her to close the door behind her. "What the hell was that?"
Erin closed her eyes to stop the tears from coming again. "It was nothing, and I'm so sorry. He just reminded me of someone I used to know. I should go introduce myself." She began to stand up.
Voight looked at her suspiciously but nodded. He'd heard about Erin's depression when she had first joined the academy, and was proud that she had turned into a damn good cop. She'd been a valuable asset to his unit over the past year, and he didn't want anything to send her back down the rabbit hole. "You sure?"
"Positive." Erin gave a tight smile and left Voight's office, walking over to Jay's desk.
"Erin Lindsay." She said coldly, sticking her hand out for a handshake. He looked up and she shuddered as their eyes met for the first time.
xoxoxoxoxo
The day could not have been going any slower, but Erin was thankful that they didn't have any open cases. She couldn't imagine being stuck in the car with Jay. She checked her watch; it was only 1:00. Since "introducing" herself to her ex-boyfriend three hours ago, she hadn't looked up from her paperwork once, but she felt her eyelids getting heavy and knew she needed coffee. She slowly got up and headed into the break room, and groaned when she heard footsteps following her.
"Don't." she held her hand up without even turning around to see the blue eyes that she knew were staring at her.
"Er-" Jay started to say, but stopped when he saw the rock on her left ring finger. He felt his heart stop and had to ask, "Who?"
Erin finally turned around and her hazel eyes met Jay's blue ones. "You don't have the right to ask those questions anymore, Jay. Let's just say it's someone who would at least have said goodbye in person." Her voice broke towards the end, and she grabbed her mug and headed out of the break room. She put her mug on her desk, and then made a beeline for the locker room before anyone could see the tears fall.
She heard footsteps behind her again and before she could stop herself, yelled out, "You don't get to do this to me now. I did all the talking I could do five years ago; I tried SO hard to be there for you. To be what you needed. I gave you my whole heart, Jay, and I tried to put your heart back together. But you wouldn't let me, instead you broke mine apart. And I finally found someone to put it back together, and you have no right to come back into my life!" her hands were shaking hard as she turned around to see his reaction, but her jaw dropped when she saw who had been following her.
"Hank, I-" she began, wiping her eyes.
"Go home, kid. We'll work on finding you a new partner. Again." He sighed; he knew should have questioned his young detective earlier.
Erin shook her head. "No. I- I'm sure he deserves this job. Today has just been a rough one, that's all. I'll sleep it off and I promise we'll be the best partner pair tomorrow." She told her boss, but they both knew she was just trying to convince herself.
Hank sighed again. "Go home, kid."
Erin wanted to fight, she had never missed a day in Intelligence, but she knew she would do more harm than good here today. "I'll see you tomorrow. Please don't say anything to him." And with that, she grabbed her coat from her desk and ran out of the district once again.
xoxoxoxoxo
Jay watched Erin run out of the bullpen for the second time that day and his heart physically hurt. He thought back to the last time he had seen Erin. It was over Christmas break during their senior year of college, right after his first Christmas without his mom. She had taken him to dinner at his favorite restaurant, then the two of them had gone to "their spot", a dock on Lake Michigan, where they wrapped themselves in blankets and she begged him to open up to her. It was at that moment when he realized how much he loved Erin Lindsay and he realized how miserable he was making her, and he made a promise to himself that he would never make her that miserable ever again. Even if the only way to do that was leaving, so she didn't have to look at his sad eyes everyday or listen to him complain constantly. So he joined the Army and didn't tell Erin until the last possible hour, over the phone so he didn't have to see the hurt in her eyes. There wasn't a second of a day that he didn't regret his decision. Sure, the army had taught him some powerful lessons and he wouldn't be sitting on Hank Voight's Intelligence team without that experience, but leaving Erin Lindsay was the biggest mistake he had ever made. Seeing her today had made him realize just that. She looked even better than she had in college, if that was possible, except for that diamond on her left ring finger. He couldn't believe he let that girl get away.
He was broken away from his thoughts by a raspy voice, "Halstead!" Voight barked. "My office! Now!" Jay stood up and followed the sergeant into his office, the door getting slammed behind him.
"She won't tell me what the problem is, so I'm expecting you to clear it up for me in the next 30 seconds if you still want a job tomorrow." Hank couldn't help but be protective of Erin, since joining the unit she had become a daughter figure to him. He had watched a sad little girl fly through the academy and excel on patrol, becoming a strong woman and one of his best detectives on Chicago's most exclusive unit.
Jay sighed. "Erin is, um, my ex-girlfriend. We dated before I joined the army." He began. "Well, actually, I joined the army without telling her and broke up with her the day before I was deployed."
If looks could kill, Jay would be a dead man on the floor of Voight's office. "Well that certainly explains a lot. Do you realize what you did to that girl?"
Jay shook his head, "I did what was best for her. I was going through some things, and I couldn't make her happy, so I left so she could be happy."
"Jay, you made her miserable. I don't know when the last time you had contact with Erin was, but let me tell you that I have never seen such a broken, fragile girl walk through the doors of the police academy and survive. Let alone end up here."
"Broken? What do you mean? Erin's the happiest girl I know. Or knew…" Jay began, but Voight cut him off.
"You broke her, Halstead. And she can tell me she's happy all she wants. She's got her dream job, she's got her firefighter – but when I walk into her apartment and see the pictures she has hanging up from when she was younger – I have never seen that sparkle in her eyes in the five years I've known her. Hell, I can count the amount of times I've seen her dimples on one hand."
Jay's heart was breaking more than he ever thought possible. He couldn't imagine Erin Lindsay without her signature dimples and bright eyes, but thinking back to it, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her smile. "Oh my god" he whispered, realizing what he'd done.
"Fix it, Halstead. The two of you are on a stakeout together beginning at 7 am tomorrow. So that'll be one awkward day if you don't get your shit together. Now get out of my office. Jin is texting you the address of her apartment." The sergeant ordered.
xoxoxoxoxo
Erin lay in bed, trying to nap, but she couldn't stop tossing and turning. She couldn't get those piercing blue eyes out of her head and she couldn't stop crying. She was supposed to be over him. She was engaged to her best friend, sure they fought sometimes, but they were planning a wedding and they were going to spend the rest of their lives together and build a family of mini detectives and firefighters. But as much as she tried to fight it, there wasn't a single day during the last five years that Kelly had made her feel the way Jay had. Even on the night of his proposal, Erin had lay in bed thinking about her last night with Jay at the dock.
She was interrupted by her thoughts by a knock on the door. She figured it was Hank, stopping by on his lunch break to make sure she had actually come home to try and sleep.
She stood up and looked at herself in the mirror – she looked like hell. Her makeup was under her eyes and her blonde waves looked like they hadn't been brushed in a year, probably from all the tossing and turning. She was sweating from the hot Chicago summer and only wore a sports bra and running shorts, which she didn't even consider as she walked out of her bedroom to open the door.
"Hank, I-" she began as she swung the door open, but the blue eyes staring back at her quickly shut her up. "You need to leave. Please don't do this to me." She begged.
"Erin, we need to talk." Jay stared into her beautiful hazel eyes and hated that he was the reason for the black mess underneath them. "Please." He begged right back, just then noticing her lack of shirt and perfect abs. He tried not to stare; she wasn't his to stare at anymore.
Erin nodded and opened the door wider to allow Jay in. As soon as he entered the apartment, he saw the pictures that Hank was talking about. Pictures of her and all of her – their – old college friends and old family pictures where she was laughing with her little brother – that was the Erin he remembered. The bright eyes, beautiful dimples, perfect smile. He hated that it was his fault that he didn't know the stranger standing in front of him. Erin sat down on the edge of her couch and looked up at him, willing herself not to cry. "So talk." She ordered.
"Where do I start?" he asked himself quietly. He decided to just put it all out there. "Erin, first you need to know that I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I left because I loved you too much, and I didn't know how to handle my problems, and I didn't want to drag you down with me. I thought that if I was gone, you would find a way to be happy because all I was doing was dragging you down. I couldn't open up to you and I made you feel so unimportant to me, when in reality you were the most important thing in my life. You were the only thing I had. And you deserved so much better than me moping around everyday-" Jay hadn't realized he'd begun crying until he felt Erin's gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked over and saw her wiping her own eyes with her other hand.
"Jay. I was so happy with you. All I ever wanted was for you to let me in, and I thought I was getting close and I was so excited to see you back at school, and then I got the worst phone call I've ever gotten in my entire life-" Erin had to pause for a minute to catch her breath and calm herself down. "My whole world turned upside down in one minute, Jay. And I'm just starting to get that footing back. I found someone who wants to work with me to build my heart back up, and I'm so sorry for the way I reacted today, I'm just not ready for my heart to shatter again. I don't think I could handle it." Her voice grew quiet towards the end, and seeing just what he had done to the beautiful girl in front of him broke him more than anything he'd seen overseas ever could. Jay took one look into her eyes and broke down in sobs. Unsure of what to do, Erin stood up and moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. In that moment, she felt like she had five years ago, on the day Jay had found out his mother passed away. She had held him all day and all night, promising to never leave his side. What had happened to those people?
"Er, I'm so sorry." Jay pulled himself together and sat up. "I will always love you, Erin Lindsay. And I'm so happy you're happy, or at least say you are. I had no idea you were working in Intelligence, I never would have accepted the job otherwise." He stood up, suddenly feeling very awkward. "But Voight told me we have our first stakeout tomorrow, so I think we both need to get some rest. Talk more tomorrow? I think we'll have a lot of time to kill."
Erin nodded and wiped her eyes again. "Tomorrow." She whispered, getting up to show Jay to the door.
"I'm not leaving you ever again." He promised as he left, and her eyes filled with a whole new batch of tears as she watched him walk down the hall.
"Jay?" Erin whispered so quietly that she was surprised he heard her and turned around. "I'm not happy…" she cried, the new tears falling freely down her cheeks as he turned around and ran back to her apartment, embracing her as she squeezed him so tightly he thought he might explode. But he had never been more comfortable.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Kelly stood outside the door to Erin's apartment, listening to her sobs inside. It had been a while since he'd had to deal with an Erin breakdown, and as selfish as it sounded, after a hard day at the firehouse, he wasn't looking forward to dealing with this one. He sighed as he put the key into the lock and pushed the door open to an unexpected sight.
"Erin?" Kelly said wearily, and her eyes snapped open. She hadn't even heard him come in. Erin felt Jay loosen his grip on their embrace and she backed away, wiping her eyes for the hundredth time that night and taking a deep breath.
"Kelly, this is Jay. Jay, this is Kelly. My fiancé." Erin introduced the two men and they both instantly tensed up.
"You're the reason for all of this-" Kelly began angrily, stepping towards Jay.
"Babe," Erin interrupted, trying not to cry again. "Please don't. Jay is back in Chicago… and we're actually partners in Intelligence, as of today…" she trailed off as Kelly cut her off again.
"No, Erin!" Kelly raised his voice, "I've been dealing with the mess that he left behind for almost five years now, and he just gets to walk back in here?"
Erin's sadness turned to anger, "That's all I am to you? I'm a mess?"
"That's not what I meant, Erin." Kelly answered, but not very convincingly. Jay just stood there, his heart breaking for Erin, but knowing it wasn't his place to step in.
"Well that's sure what it sounds like. You should go." Erin told Kelly, her voice stronger than it'd been all night.
"Glad you love me so much that you're willing to kick me out to spend the night with someone who made you a miserable psycho for the past five years," Kelly said coldly, slamming the door behind him as he left.
Erin stood near the door, her jaw dropped. "I'm so sorry you had to hear that," she said quietly to Jay.
"Does that happen a lot?" He asked.
Erin avoided his eye contact and just nodded, "Maybe you should go get some rest too, we still have that stakeout tomorrow."
"I'm not leaving until I know you're okay. I already left without knowing that once. Now come tell me everything I missed about you, Erin Lindsay," Jay said with such sincerity that Erin felt like someone had just placed a bandage over the cracks in her heart.
Erin sighed. "I need to shower. If you're gonna stay here for a while, order us a pizza. I want to see if you remember my favorite." She smirked before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. Jay smiled and called Erin's favorite pizza place to order a Hawaiian pizza with extra pineapple – how could she ever think he would forget that?
Erin stood in the shower, thinking about how drastically her life had changed since she'd woken up that morning. She hadn't been exactly happy, because she hadn't been happy in five years, but she'd been content. Then she walked into the district and felt herself falling back into that miserable black hole, until Jay knocked on her door that afternoon. And now, as Erin Lindsay stood in the shower, scalding hot water burning her back and washing away the absurd amount of tears she'd cried today, she felt happy. It was a weird feeling, and she wasn't used to it, but knowing that she was getting out of the shower to Jay's blue eyes and (hopefully) a Hawaiian pizza, she smiled her first true smile in a long time.
Jay walked around Erin's apartment, taking everything in. Hank's earlier words about Erin echoed in his head as he looked at pictures she had hung up of her and Kelly and compared them to pictures she had from college. In her pictures from UC, she looked so happy and carefree. Her eyes were sparkling and he was drawn to those dimples that he fell in love with the first time she laughed at one of their psych professor's corny jokes. In the pictures with Kelly, looked so… not Erin. Her eyes looked sad and her smile was tight, her beautiful dimples nowhere in sight. He hated that he was the reason for that.
His thoughts were interrupted when there was a knock on Erin's door by the pizza deliveryman. He was putting the pizza down on Erin's kitchen counter when she walked out of the bathroom, smiling. Her smile made Jay smile. "I missed that smile," he told her.
"Me too," Erin admitted, opening the pizza box. Her smile grew wider. "You remembered."
"Like I could ever forget."
Jay and Erin spent the entire night catching up on everything they had missed about each other over the past five years. Jay couldn't believe that the happy girl he had once known everything about had become such a sad stranger, but he couldn't be happier to be getting to know her again. As Erin laughed with Jay, she felt better than she could ever remember. She could rarely have a conversation with Kelly without him picking a fight, but right now, she didn't think she could say a single word that would make Jay even slightly annoyed with her. They quickly fell back into their playful banter that had come so naturally in college, and before Erin knew it, it was midnight.
"I hate to ruin the mood, but t-7 hours until your first stakeout," she announced, raising her eyebrow.
"I think I'll survive, I hear Voight assigned me a pretty great partner." Jay smiled at Erin, who rolled her eyes.
"A partner who's going to be a zombie if she doesn't go to bed in the next ten minutes," Erin said, trying to hide her disappointment.
Jay laughed. "You'd make a pretty hot zombie, though," He stood up from the couch and made his way to the door. "See you soon," he said, pulling Erin in for a hug.
"Tomorrow," Erin whispered in his ear as she squeezed him tight.
"Never leaving you again," he reminded her, walking out the door with a huge smile on his face. He didn't need to turn around to know that Erin had a matching one on her face.
Neither of them knew what the future would hold, but they were both glad that after five years, they were back in each other's lives. As partners, as friends, or as more? Only time would tell. But it's Erin and Jay, so I think we all know the answer.