DISCLAIMER: FFIX and all its related characters, including Adelbert Steiner, are the property of Squaresoft.
FFIX: Zidane the Ragtime Mouse
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
ZIDANE, VIVI, FREYA AND EIKO are all wandering through the forest.
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
(Shouting)
"Just a little further!"
VIVI
(To Eiko)
"B-Boy! Zidane really is in a bad mood, huh?"
EIKO
"Yep!"
ZIDANE
"I am NOT in a bad mood. I'm just a little tired."
FREYA
"Well, I'm sure Alexandria isn't too far away. We should be there in about 10 minutes."
ZIDANE
"Great! I can't wait to see Dagger!"
Suddenly, some bizzare, happy-go-lucky music starts to play.
ZIDANE
"Oh, crap! Well, you know what that means!"
VIVI
"Oh, no! Not again!"
EIKO
"Ergh! I hate this guy! So annoying!"
FREYA
"Uh-huh, I agree."
ZIDANE
"Look, just humor him, okay?"
The RAGTIME MOUSE appears in front of the party. He dances around like a drunken fool.
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1279! The Ragtime Mouse is the most annoying creature in the world. True or false."
ZIDANE
"Hmm, a tough choice, but I'm gonna haveta go with... false, no, I mean true!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 8000 Gil! You kick ass!"
ZIDANE
(Sarcastically)
"Whoopee!"
The Ragtime Mouse runs off into the bushes. The party continue on their way.
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - DAY
STEINER AND GENERAL BEATRIX are hanging around outside.
STEINER
"..."
BEATRIX
"..."
STEINER
"...Beatrix?"
BEATRIX
"...Yes?"
STEINER
"How long do you intend to keep this up?"
BEATRIX
"...Keep what up, Steiner?"
STEINER
"You know what I mean. You haven't said a word to me since... last night."
BEATRIX
"I have nothing to say on the matter."
STEINER
"But please, Beatrix! We have to talk about it!"
BEATRIX
"No! No, we don't have to talk about it at all!"
STEINER
"But, Beatrix-"
BEATRIX
"But nothing, Steiner! Now, leave me alone!"
She walks off.
STEINER
"Dammit!"
WEIMAR (PLUTO KNIGHT VII) approaches him.
WEIMAR
"Good day to you, Captain."
STEINER
"Huh? You there! What are you doing?! I thought I told you to guard the gate!
WEIMAR
"I'm on my break. It is lunch time after all."
STEINER
"...Already?"
WEIMAR
"Is everything okay, Captain? From what I just saw, you and General Beatrix seem to be having some kinda problem."
STEINER
(Angry)
"What do you know about it?!"
WEIMAR
"About what?"
STEINER
"Oh, its no use. I have to tell someone. I-I have a personal problem... with my... y'know?"
WEIMAR
"With your...?"
STEINER
"...Do I have to spell it out?"
WEIMAR
"...Um, you're talking about your... your little man in the boat, right?"
STEINER
"..."
WEIMAR
"Are you having trouble getting an erection?!"
STEINER
"Shhh! Keep it down, will you?!"
WEIMAR
"Oh my God! Man, I'd have no trouble getting it up, especially if General Beatrix was my girl!"
STEINER
"Quiet! I am not proud of my performance, thank you!"
WEIMAR
"No, of course you're not! Who would be?!"
STEINER
"I just don't know what to do. I've had no trouble down there before."
WEIMAR
"Maybe its all this stress you've been under lately. I mean, in the past few weeks you've gone inside the body of a thief, defended Alexandria from the wrath of Zorn and Thorn, not to mention that time you helped Queen Brahne lose weight!"
STEINER
"You're right. I have been under a lot of pressure."
WEIMAR
"You know what you need, Captain? You need a vacation."
STEINER
"That does sound good."
WEIMAR
"Yeah, take a coupla days off and go off somewhere nice like Conde Petie, or Madain Sari. Y'know, some place hot."
STEINER
"Yes! Yes! That is what I shall do! Thank you for your help!"
WEIMAR
"Don't mention it, Captain. Uh, can I come too?"
STEINER
"...No."
WEIMAR
"Aw..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Zidane, Vivi, Freya and Eiko are still wandering through the forest.
EIKO
"We're lost, aren't we, Freya?"
FREYA
"No, I'm sure Zidane knows where we are going."
ZIDANE
"Of course I do! Okay, so we came in through that way there, and we just went around those trees back there, so Alexandria must be in that direction over there."
FREYA
(Sigh)
"We're lost!"
ZIDANE
"...No, no! We're not lost! We just... can't seem to find the way outta this forest..."
VIVI
"I'm scared!"
ZIDANE
"Okay, guys. It won't do any good with all of us wandering the forest. Why don't you all stay here and have a rest, while I try to find a way out by myself."
EIKO
"Great idea! I'll be in charge here!"
ZIDANE
"Freya is in charge."
FREYA
(Laughs)
"No, its okay, Zidane. Eiko can be charge."
ZIDANE
"I don't care who's in charge! Just wait here and don't move. I'll be right back."
He walks off alone through the forest.
EIKO
"Okay, who wants to play Hide and Seek?"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Zidane emerges from a collection of bushes into a empty space of ground. Alexandria Castle can be seen in the distance.
ZIDANE
"Alright! And to think they kicked me outta the Boy Scouts! Now, to get back to the others."
He walks back into the forest. Strange howling noises can be heard.
ZIDANE
"Oooh! I forgot this place used to be full of bandersnatch. I sure hope everyone's okay."
Suddenly, a nearby bush begins to shake. Zidane raises his Ultima Weapon in defence. The bush shakes even more.
ZIDANE
"Oh, crap! Why do I get all the bad stuff?!"
A groaning noise is heard from behind the bush. Zidane leaps forward and hits it repeatedly with his weapon.
ZIDANE
(Swinging his weapon around)
"Evil creatures must die! Argh! Die! Die!"
FAMILIAR VOICE
"Ow! What the heck are you doing?!"
ZIDANE
(Backing off)
"Oh... my... God!"
The Ragtime Mouse stumbles out of the bush. He is all bruised and beaten.
RAGTIME MOUSE
"Wait-a-go, you idiot! Ow! My head!"
ZIDANE
"I-I'm sorry! I-I thought you was a bandersnatch! Please don't do anything drastic!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Collapses)
"Ergh... I've barely got the energy to lift my head, let alone my fists..."
ZIDANE
"Man, we better get you to a doctor."
RAGTIME MOUSE
"T-There's no time... I-I'm done for..."
ZIDANE
"Don't speak like that! Your voice is really annoying, you know?"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Reading from his book)
"P-Pop quiz! Number 1280! You will take over my duties once I die. True or false."
ZIDANE
"False! Definitely false!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(He checks his book once again)
"Wrong!"
ZIDANE
"W-What the hell are you talkin' about?! I-I'm not takin' over your duties!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Weakly)
"L-Legend says that... once the Ragtime Mouse dies... the person responsible for his death... will take over his duties and become... the new quiz master. Do not disappoint me, Ragtime Mouse Number 452."
ZIDANE
(Panicing)
"W-Wait! I-I don't know what to do!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Weakly)
"J-Just... try to act... gay..."
The Ragtime Mouse lowers his head, and dies. Vivi, Freya and Eiko approach.
EIKO
"Zidane, you were gone for hours. We thought something terrible might have happened to you."
VIVI
"Yeah, are you alrig-"
They all notice the Ragtime Mouse lying on the ground.
FREYA
"Oh my God! Someone killed the Ragtime Mouse!"
ZIDANE
"Yeah, uh, that was kinda my fault."
EIKO
"Ew! Zidane! What happened to your face?!"
ZIDANE
"What?! What's wrong with it?!"
VIVI
"Y-Your skin is turning bright pink!"
FREYA
"Good lord! You must be in shock! Here, lie down!"
EIKO
(Pointing to Zidane's head)
"Ew! What the heck is that thing?!"
An eyeball on a stalk has grown through the top of his head. It looks around at the party.
FREYA
"Z-Zidane! You've got an extra eyeball!"
EIKO
"This is freaky!"
ZIDANE
(Clutching his head)
"Oh, dear God! The Ragtime Mouse was right! I am the new quiz master!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
QUEEN BRAHNE is sitting at her throne. A soldier walks in.
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"Your Majesty, the Captain of the Knights of Pluto requests a word with you."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Captain of the Knights of Pluto...?"
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"Adelbert Steiner, ma'am."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Send him in."
The soldier leaves. A few seconds later, Steiner walks in.
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Ah! Captain, uh, Steiner, I believe?"
STEINER
"Good afternoon, Your Majesty. You are looking well."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Alright, enough with the small talk. What do you want?"
STEINER
"Your Majesty, as you know I have been working very hard lately, and I think that I deserve... some time off, please."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"...You want some time off?"
STEINER
"Y-Yes."
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Laughs)
"Now that is a good one!"
STEINER
"I am being serious, Your Majesty."
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Sigh)
"Captain Steiner, do I look like an intelligent woman?"
STEINER
"Y-Yes, ma'am."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Alright, I have thought it over, and yes; you may take some time off."
STEINER
"R-Really?! T-Thank you, my queen!"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"You may have two days off to do as you please."
STEINER
"Two days?! But that's not long enough to-"
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Interrupting)
"You may have TWO days off to do as you please."
STEINER
(Disappointed)
"I am very grateful to you, Your Majesty."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"And so you should be. Good day, Captain Steiner."
He walks off.
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Shouting)
"I'm ready for my sponge bath now!"
ALEXANDRIA SOLDIER (O.S)
"Sponge bath?! Urgh!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - AFTERNOON
Zidane is telling the party all about his conversation with the Ragtime Mouse.
ZIDANE
"And so then he said that I would become the new quiz master, and that I would take over all his old duties."
FREYA
"My, my! This is bad!"
EIKO
"So, what are you gonna do, Zidane?"
VIVI
"Yeah, you can't let that dead mouse tell you what to do."
ZIDANE
"I don't intend to. I'm just gonna carry on like normal. C'mon, everyone, we're going back to Alexandria."
FREYA
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea... What do you think Princess Garnet is going to say when she see's you looking like that?"
ZIDANE
"Aw, c'mon! I don't look that bad!"
FREYA
"Zidane, there's a 7-inch eyeball sticking out of your head!"
ZIDANE
(Sarcastically)
"Oh, boohoo! Freya, you've got a face like a rat, and you say I look weird?! That's rich!"
FREYA
(Sigh)
"I'm just saying! There's no need to bite my head off!"
EIKO
"Freya's right. You can't go into a public place looking like that!"
VIVI
"Maybe you should hang out here in the forest. Y'know, just until we find a cure or something."
FREYA
"Personally, I don't think there WILL be a cure. If what Zidane said was true, then he's gonna look like that until he reaches the day of his death."
ZIDANE
"I can't say that I don't miss my old good looks, cause I do. But if I'm gonna live out the rest of my days looking like some freak, then I don't mind. 'Sides, I'm sure Dagger will love me, whatever I look like!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
Zidane, Vivi, Freya and Eiko are with DAGGER in her bedroom. She is screaming her head off.
ZIDANE
(To Freya)
"Make her stop!"
FREYA
"I told you we should've hid out in the forest for a while."
DAGGER
"I-I can't believe that this has happened! It-It's just so... Argh!"
ZIDANE
"Please, Dagger, I'm still the same person underneath."
DAGGER
"We all know that it's not what's on the inside that matters!"
VIVI
"Here, here!"
ZIDANE
(Gasp)
"Dagger, I'm disappointed in you! I didn't think you were so shallow. I shake my head in disgust."
He starts shaking his head back and forth. The eyeball sticking out through his hair sways with each movement of his head.
DAGGER
"Ergh!"
EIKO
"I wonder if he can see through that eye..."
DAGGER
(Angry)
"Eiko!"
EIKO
"Yikes! Sorry, Dagger!"
DAGGER
"Zidane, I think its best if you just leave."
ZIDANE
"B-But where will I sleep?!"
DAGGER
"Where your kind usually sleeps: the forest, of course."
ZIDANE
"Dagger, I ask you again; please don't give up on me just because I'm a weirdo!"
DAGGER
"I-I'm so sorry, Zidane. I'd love to stick by your side, but I'm a princess, and if people see me hanging around with some bizzare animal, then I'm gonna lose a lot of respect!"
ZIDANE
"I am not an animal! I am a human being!"
FREYA
"Princess Garnet, when you look at me, what do you see?"
DAGGER
(She looks at Freya)
"I see a Burmecian Dragon Knight wearing a red jacket of some kind."
FREYA
"No, let me rephrase that. How do I look... to you?"
DAGGER
"You look like a rat."
FREYA
"Exactly. I'm different."
DAGGER
"Well, yes, but you're different because you come from a different race."
ZIDANE
"Uh, I come from a different race too! I'm a genome, remember?!"
DAGGER
(To Zidane)
"Yeah, but you're essentially human. Well, you WERE essentially human."
FREYA
(To Dagger)
"Zidane is basically the same person he always was. You must give him a chance."
DAGGER
(Looks at Zidane)
"...Ew! No!"
ZIDANE
"Then all is lost... Goodbye, Dagger."
Zidane slowly walks out of the room.
FREYA
"Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, Princess."
Freya leaves the room.
EIKO
"Dagger! Why are you being so awful to Zidane?!"
Eiko leaves the room.
VIVI
"..."
DAGGER
"Aren't you going to say anything, Vivi?"
VIVI
"...Zidane is a good friend. B-But you're a good friend too. Why do people have to fight?"
DAGGER
"Because-"
VIVI
(Interrupting)
"How do you prove that you exist? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? How many different questions are there? Why can't Quina speak properly? Why are-"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA - AFTERNOON
Zidane is walking towards the town gate. Freya and Eiko come running after him.
FREYA
"Zidane, where are you going?!"
ZIDANE
"The forest. It's where I belong."
FREYA
"That's not true and you know it!"
EIKO
"Yeah, I'm sure Dagger didn't mean all that stuff she said."
ZIDANE
(Waiting for them to catch up)
"She did! Everything she said was true! And I don't blame her one bit! Look at me! I'm a monster!"
FREYA
"You're not a monster. You're the Ragtime Mouse."
ZIDANE
"Oh, why did he have to die?! Goddamn stupid ass idiot!"
FREYA
"Zidane, you must be strong. Listen, I'm sure things'll work out."
ZIDANE
"Yeah, right! I'm doomed to a life of questions! It's time to get into the routine. Freya, Eiko, thanks for everything."
EIKO
"Don't go, Zidane! I'd miss you too much!"
ZIDANE
"Hey, if you ever need me, then just check your nearest forest."
He walks off through the town gate and disappears into the countryside.
EIKO
"He's gone, Freya. He's gone."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING
Steiner is in his bedroom with General Beatrix. He has a suitcase and a pile of clothes laid out on the bed.
STEINER
"Beatrix, this time tomorrow I shall be lying on a beach somewhere in the Outer Continent, soaking up the sun. Life is great, isn't it?"
BEATRIX
"Well I still can't believe that Queen Brahne gave you two days off. This is ludicrous."
STEINER
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"
BEATRIX
"Jealous?! Ha! Of you?! You can't even get it up in the evening! What do I have to be jealous about?!"
STEINER
"My holiday in the Outer Continent."
BEATRIX
(Upset)
"Oh, yes, that."
STEINER
"Do not worry, Beatrix! Once I get some good rest and relaxation, I shall become a new man! You won't have to buy any more rubber dildo's."
BEATRIX
"Steiner! Not so loud! That's my darkest secret, you know?!"
STEINER
"Oops, sorry."
He shuts his suitcase full of clothes.
STEINER
"There, all done! Eleven hours and counting!"
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are all sat at the dinning room table.
VIVI
"So, he left?"
FREYA
"Yeah, we may never see him again now."
EIKO
(Jumping up and down)
"I can't take this anymore! I have to see Zidane!"
FREYA
"Please try to cheer up, Eiko. Zidane wouldn't want us to be so depressed."
EIKO
"But this is all Dagger's fault! If only she hadn't kicked Zidane out of the castle!"
FREYA
"I agree that she may have been a bit hasty, but we have to contain our anger."
EIKO
(Getting out of her chair)
"Well, I don't think I can! I'm going to speak with her right now!"
FREYA
"Okay, but only if you promise to be nice to her."
EIKO
"I promise nothing!"
She runs out of the kitchen.
INT. GARNET'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Dagger is staring out the window. Eiko bursts into the room, followed by a soldier.
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"I-I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I couldn't stop her!"
DAGGER
"Eiko? What are you doing here?"
EIKO
"I came to have a little chat!"
DAGGER
(To the soldier)
"It's alright. I'll handle this."
The soldier leaves the room and closes the door.
DAGGER
"Is something wrong, Eiko?"
EIKO
"Is something wrong? Is something wrong?! Of course there's something wrong!"
DAGGER
"Let me guess, this is about Zidane, right?"
EIKO
"Darn right! Why did you stop loving him?"
DAGGER
"I didn't stop loving him. I'll never stop loving him."
EIKO
"Then why did you make him go away to live in the forest?"
DAGGER
"Eiko... I had no other choice. I had to banish him."
EIKO
"But why?! I thought your mother said it was okay to hang out with Zidane..."
DAGGER
"This has nothing to do with Mother. It was my decision."
EIKO
"But why?"
DAGGER
"When I saw Zidane today, he... he scared me."
EIKO
"WHAT?!"
DAGGER
"Okay, so maybe that's not true. Listen, the truth is I can't go out with someone who looks like some kinda alien from another planet. You see, when Mother eventually dies, I shall become the heir to the throne, and the people of this town, no, the people of this world will come to rely on me as their sole leader. I would have loved to make Zidane my king, but what would the public think if they saw that the king was inhuman? You understand, don't you?"
EIKO
"Sorta. You were kind of all over the place there."
DAGGER
"I know you're upset, and so am I. I'm hurting too, but there is nothing that can be done. We just have to learn to accept."
EIKO
"What if we can't?"
DAGGER
"Then... there is no hope for any of us."
EIKO
"Your words have really touched me tonight, Dagger."
DAGGER
"I'm glad."
EIKO
"But I still feel rotten! I want Zidane back here where he belongs!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NEXT MORNING
Steiner is standing outside the castle with General Beatrix. He is holding his suitcase, and is wearing a baseball cap over his helmet.
STEINER
"Well, this is it..."
BEATRIX
"I'll be counting the days until you return."
STEINER
"...Heh-heh! I won't!"
BEATRIX
"Oh, you!"
They both kiss.
STEINER
"Goodbye for now, Beatrix."
BEATRIX
"Goodbye, Steiner."
Steiner walks off towards the harbour. Beatrix waves at him. Once Steiner is safely out of view, Beatrix runs back into the castle.
BEATRIX (O.S)
"Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes! Yes!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA - MORNING
Steiner enters the harbour. A big, red ship is docked at the port. He climbs aboard.
STEINER
"Ah! Two days in the glorious sunshine! What could be better?!"
The ship sails off into the distance.
STEINER (O.S)
"Woohoo! I'm king of the world!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - MORNING
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are sat at the dinning room table eating their breakfast.
VIVI
"I-I wonder why the princess didn't turn up for breakfast this morning?"
EIKO
"Who cares?!"
FREYA
"So you didn't patch things up with her last night?"
EIKO
"Not really. I listened to her 'reasons', but they sorta sucked."
FREYA
"Tell you what, Eiko. Why don't we go to the forest today and see if we can find Zidane?"
EIKO
(Excited)
"What?! Really?! Gee, thanks, Freya! You're the best!"
FREYA
"Will you be coming too, Vivi?"
VIVI
"S-Sure! I'd love to visit Zidane!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Freya and Eiko enter the forest. They begin to search for Zidane.
FREYA
"Just remember: if you see any bandersnatch, then just run, okay?"
They wander further into the forest. Suddenly, that disturbingly peaceful battle music starts to play.
EIKO
"Here he comes!"
Zidane appears in front of the party. He now looks almost exactly like the original Ragtime Mouse. Only his blonde hair and long tail remain. He dances around like a lunatic.
EIKO
"Oh, my! What have they done to him?!"
ZIDANE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1281! Zidane misses his old friends. True or false."
EIKO
(Sheds a tear)
"...True."
ZIDANE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 10,000 Gil! I love you guys!"
Zidane then runs off into the bushes. The party try to stop him.
EIKO
"Zidane, wait! Don't go!"
He is too quick for them. He disappears from view.
EIKO
(Cries)
"Waaaaaaa! Why?! Why?! Waaaaaaa!
FREYA
"It's so cruel that he ended up that way."
VIVI
(Cries)
"Waaaaaaa! The bestest friend I ever had in the world has become nothing more than an annoying friendly creature! I can't handle this! Waaaaaaa!"
FREYA
(To herself)
"Poor Zidane..."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - DAY
Garnet is staring out the window again. It doesn't look like she has moved all night.
DAGGER
"Zidane... I know you're out there somewhere. I just want you to know that I miss you so much. I wish we could become an item again."
She walks over to her bed.
DAGGER
"I-I should've tried harder. Eiko was right. I should have given Zidane a chance. All I cared about was how it would look to other people. But they don't matter to me. Zidane is my only love. I-I must bring him back to Alexandria."
She runs out of the bedroom door.
EXT. CONDE PETIE - DAY
Steiner is waiting outside the village with his suitcase.
STEINER
(Reading from a brochure)
"This must be the place... Conde Petie, huh?"
He walks inside.
INT. CONDE PETIE - DAY
Steiner enters the village. A VILLAGER guards the entrance.
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Wr-Wraly-ho...?"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Rh-Rhallie-who...?"
VILLAGER
(Pissed off)
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Oh, cute."
He tries to walk in but a group of other villagers block his path.
VILLAGERS
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"What is the meaning of this?!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho's oor sacred greetin'!"
VILLAGER #2
"If ye dinnae say Rally-Ho, then ye cannae enter Conde Petie, hametoon o' the dwarves!"
STEINER
"...This is so stupid!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"...Rally-ho!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho! Ye can pass!"
The dwarves move away and allow Steiner to enter the village.
STEINER
(To himself)
"My vacation has barely begun, and I'm already being gang probed by little green men!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are walking back to Alexandria. Dagger comes running towards them.
EIKO
"Hey, look! It's Dagger!"
DAGGER
(Tired)
"Whew! I-I'm so glad I found you all."
FREYA
"Princess, what are you doing here?"
DAGGER
"...I came to look for Zidane. Can you all help me find him?"
EIKO
"Hey, I thought you didn't wanna see Zidane ever again! What's changed?"
DAGGER
"Let me just say, I've finally woke up and smelt the coffee."
VIVI
"Oh, you smelt it too? It's not the kinda thing you wanna wake up to first thing in the morning, huh?"
DAGGER
(Ignoring him)
"Let's go find Zidane!"
FREYA
"I'm sorry, Princess, but I don't think it'll be so easy to track him down."
EIKO
"Yep, we already saw him earlier, but he ran off into the forest and we couldn't catch him in time."
DAGGER
"Well, we have to try. I must speak with him. I have to tell him how sorry I am."
EIKO
"You shoulda thought about that last night."
DAGGER
"I know. I made a mistake. But now I intend to put things right. C'mon, guys."
FREYA
"Very well. We shall resume our search. Let's go."
They walk back towards the forest.
EXT. OUTER CONTINENT - DAY
Steiner is lying on the beach, under a giant umbrella. He is wearing a pair of sunglasses and a bathing costume. There is a picnic basket in the sand.
STEINER
(Sigh)
"Now, this is the life! Sun, sea, sand and... sandwhiches."
He pulls a sandwhich out from his picnic basket.
STEINER
(Checking the sandwhich)
"Oooh! Pickle!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Dagger, Freya and Eiko are wandering through the forest again.
EIKO
"You know, the possibility of finding the Ragtime Mouse in the same forest so soon after our recent meeting, is extremely low."
Suddenly, the queer music kicks up.
DAGGER
"Could that be...?"
Zidane appears in front of the party. He starts to dance.
DAGGER
"He looks even worse than before!"
EIKO
(Angry)
"Dagger!"
DAGGER
"Don't worry, I still love him."
ZIDANE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1282! Quistis Trepe is an ugly skunk. True or false."
EIKO
"True! True, I say!"
ZIDANE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 11,000 Gil! You got 65% correct!"
Zidane turns around and prepares to run back through the bushes.
DAGGER
"Zidane, wait!"
He stops and turns to face Dagger.
DAGGER
"May I ask a few questions? Please?"
ZIDANE
"..."
DAGGER
"You hate your new life. True or false."
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
"Alexandria is your real home. True or false."
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
"I... I want you to come back to the castle with me. True or false."
Zidane stares into her eyes for a short while.
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
(Begins to cry)
"Oh, Zidane!"
They run into each others arms and hug. They are reunited at last.
DAGGER
(Backing off)
"Geez, you need a shower!"
ZIDANE
"I love you, Dagger."
They hug again. Vivi, Freya and Eiko smile.
EXT. OUTER CONTINENT - AFTERNOON
Steiner is swimming around in the clear blue sea.
STEINER
"Ah! Nothing clears the mind quite like a nice, relaxing swim!"
VOICE (O.S)
(Shouting)
"Yoohoo! Hello, handsome!"
Steiner looks over towards the land. A sexy woman in a bikini is lying on the beach.
WOMAN
(Shouting)
"Lovely day, isn't it?"
STEINER
(To himself)
"Mmmm... tasty."
Just then, a WHALE ZOMBIE surfaces from below the waves. It swallows Steiner whole, and then disappears back under the ocean.
WOMAN
"Wow, you don't see that every day..."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
Zidane and Dagger are in her room. They are sitting on the bed, talking to each other.
ZIDANE
"Thanks for giving us another chance, Dagger. I hated it out there in the forest."
DAGGER
"Do not fear, Zidane. You're safe now. You sure are ugly though."
ZIDANE
"I know! I know! You've said that, like, five times already!"
DAGGER
"I should probably go and explain things to my mother. She'll want to know I'm dating a quiz master."
ZIDANE
"How do you think she'll take it?"
DAGGER
"You know, I have no idea. Perhaps you should come with me."
ZIDANE
"I dunno. That sounds pretty risky."
DAGGER
(Sigh)
"You're right. Oh, if only Steiner were here. He'd know what to do."
ZIDANE
"Hey, yeah, where is Rusty anyway?"
DAGGER
"He went off on vacation to the Outer Continent."
ZIDANE
"Oh, cool."
DAGGER
"You stay here. I'll go speak to Mother."
Dagger gets off the bed and opens the bedroom door. Vivi and Eiko are waiting outside.
DAGGER
"Hi, guys."
EIKO
"Can we see Zidane now?"
DAGGER
"Sure. I have something to do at the moment, so you two can keep him company."
VIVI
"T-Thanks."
Dagger leaves the room. Vivi and Eiko walk in.
EIKO
"Hello, Zidane! How're you feeling?"
ZIDANE
"Hi, you two! What up?"
VIVI
"Isn't it cool that you're back in Alexandria now?! We can do all the great stuff that we used to do again!"
ZIDANE
"Hopefully. But I may have to lie low for a while. What with my ugly looks and all."
EIKO
"..."
ZIDANE
"Eiko? You alright?"
EIKO
"I'm fine."
VIVI
"Are you coming down for dinner later on? Quina baked some cookies."
EIKO
"Yes, I helped too, y'know?"
ZIDANE
(Laughs)
"You know I never say no to cookies!"
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - AFTERNOON
Garnet is talking with Queen Brahne.
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Are you serious?!"
DAGGER
"H-He's basically the same person underneath, Mother."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"That's even more disturbing!"
DAGGER
"So, he can't stay?"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"He most certainly can't! I refuse to sleep under the same roof as the Ragtime Mouse!"
DAGGER
"B-But I can't just get rid of him! I care about him too much!"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Then I suggest you pack your bags and leave with him. I'm sorry, Garnet, but this is just unacceptable!"
DAGGER
"..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - EVENING
Zidane and Garnet are in the forest, sitting in a tall tree.
ZIDANE
"Man, you must really love me to be able to find the courage to leave your entire heritage behind like that."
DAGGER
"Yeah, either that or I must've gone insane. I prefer the latter."
ZIDANE
(Looking down at the ground)
"Oooh! Look! A customer!"
He jumps out of the tree.
ZIDANE (O.S)
"Pop quiz! Number 1283! This whole experience sucked major ass. True or false."
VOICE (O.S)
"False...?"
ZIDANE (O.S)
"Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Bad! Bad, bad!"
DAGGER
(Sigh)
"And I would do anything for love."
EXT. LINDBLUM BEACH - EVENING
A Whale Zombie surfaces from below the waves. It starts to shoot water out from its head. Steiner then pops out and flies into the air. He then lands with a bump onto the beach.
STEINER
"Oof! I must say that went rather well! Best vacation ever! No doubt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FFIX: Zidane the Ragtime Mouse
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
ZIDANE, VIVI, FREYA AND EIKO are all wandering through the forest.
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
(Shouting)
"Just a little further!"
VIVI
(To Eiko)
"B-Boy! Zidane really is in a bad mood, huh?"
EIKO
"Yep!"
ZIDANE
"I am NOT in a bad mood. I'm just a little tired."
FREYA
"Well, I'm sure Alexandria isn't too far away. We should be there in about 10 minutes."
ZIDANE
"Great! I can't wait to see Dagger!"
Suddenly, some bizzare, happy-go-lucky music starts to play.
ZIDANE
"Oh, crap! Well, you know what that means!"
VIVI
"Oh, no! Not again!"
EIKO
"Ergh! I hate this guy! So annoying!"
FREYA
"Uh-huh, I agree."
ZIDANE
"Look, just humor him, okay?"
The RAGTIME MOUSE appears in front of the party. He dances around like a drunken fool.
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1279! The Ragtime Mouse is the most annoying creature in the world. True or false."
ZIDANE
"Hmm, a tough choice, but I'm gonna haveta go with... false, no, I mean true!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 8000 Gil! You kick ass!"
ZIDANE
(Sarcastically)
"Whoopee!"
The Ragtime Mouse runs off into the bushes. The party continue on their way.
VIVI/EIKO
"Are we there yet?"
ZIDANE
"Just a little further..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - DAY
STEINER AND GENERAL BEATRIX are hanging around outside.
STEINER
"..."
BEATRIX
"..."
STEINER
"...Beatrix?"
BEATRIX
"...Yes?"
STEINER
"How long do you intend to keep this up?"
BEATRIX
"...Keep what up, Steiner?"
STEINER
"You know what I mean. You haven't said a word to me since... last night."
BEATRIX
"I have nothing to say on the matter."
STEINER
"But please, Beatrix! We have to talk about it!"
BEATRIX
"No! No, we don't have to talk about it at all!"
STEINER
"But, Beatrix-"
BEATRIX
"But nothing, Steiner! Now, leave me alone!"
She walks off.
STEINER
"Dammit!"
WEIMAR (PLUTO KNIGHT VII) approaches him.
WEIMAR
"Good day to you, Captain."
STEINER
"Huh? You there! What are you doing?! I thought I told you to guard the gate!
WEIMAR
"I'm on my break. It is lunch time after all."
STEINER
"...Already?"
WEIMAR
"Is everything okay, Captain? From what I just saw, you and General Beatrix seem to be having some kinda problem."
STEINER
(Angry)
"What do you know about it?!"
WEIMAR
"About what?"
STEINER
"Oh, its no use. I have to tell someone. I-I have a personal problem... with my... y'know?"
WEIMAR
"With your...?"
STEINER
"...Do I have to spell it out?"
WEIMAR
"...Um, you're talking about your... your little man in the boat, right?"
STEINER
"..."
WEIMAR
"Are you having trouble getting an erection?!"
STEINER
"Shhh! Keep it down, will you?!"
WEIMAR
"Oh my God! Man, I'd have no trouble getting it up, especially if General Beatrix was my girl!"
STEINER
"Quiet! I am not proud of my performance, thank you!"
WEIMAR
"No, of course you're not! Who would be?!"
STEINER
"I just don't know what to do. I've had no trouble down there before."
WEIMAR
"Maybe its all this stress you've been under lately. I mean, in the past few weeks you've gone inside the body of a thief, defended Alexandria from the wrath of Zorn and Thorn, not to mention that time you helped Queen Brahne lose weight!"
STEINER
"You're right. I have been under a lot of pressure."
WEIMAR
"You know what you need, Captain? You need a vacation."
STEINER
"That does sound good."
WEIMAR
"Yeah, take a coupla days off and go off somewhere nice like Conde Petie, or Madain Sari. Y'know, some place hot."
STEINER
"Yes! Yes! That is what I shall do! Thank you for your help!"
WEIMAR
"Don't mention it, Captain. Uh, can I come too?"
STEINER
"...No."
WEIMAR
"Aw..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Zidane, Vivi, Freya and Eiko are still wandering through the forest.
EIKO
"We're lost, aren't we, Freya?"
FREYA
"No, I'm sure Zidane knows where we are going."
ZIDANE
"Of course I do! Okay, so we came in through that way there, and we just went around those trees back there, so Alexandria must be in that direction over there."
FREYA
(Sigh)
"We're lost!"
ZIDANE
"...No, no! We're not lost! We just... can't seem to find the way outta this forest..."
VIVI
"I'm scared!"
ZIDANE
"Okay, guys. It won't do any good with all of us wandering the forest. Why don't you all stay here and have a rest, while I try to find a way out by myself."
EIKO
"Great idea! I'll be in charge here!"
ZIDANE
"Freya is in charge."
FREYA
(Laughs)
"No, its okay, Zidane. Eiko can be charge."
ZIDANE
"I don't care who's in charge! Just wait here and don't move. I'll be right back."
He walks off alone through the forest.
EIKO
"Okay, who wants to play Hide and Seek?"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Zidane emerges from a collection of bushes into a empty space of ground. Alexandria Castle can be seen in the distance.
ZIDANE
"Alright! And to think they kicked me outta the Boy Scouts! Now, to get back to the others."
He walks back into the forest. Strange howling noises can be heard.
ZIDANE
"Oooh! I forgot this place used to be full of bandersnatch. I sure hope everyone's okay."
Suddenly, a nearby bush begins to shake. Zidane raises his Ultima Weapon in defence. The bush shakes even more.
ZIDANE
"Oh, crap! Why do I get all the bad stuff?!"
A groaning noise is heard from behind the bush. Zidane leaps forward and hits it repeatedly with his weapon.
ZIDANE
(Swinging his weapon around)
"Evil creatures must die! Argh! Die! Die!"
FAMILIAR VOICE
"Ow! What the heck are you doing?!"
ZIDANE
(Backing off)
"Oh... my... God!"
The Ragtime Mouse stumbles out of the bush. He is all bruised and beaten.
RAGTIME MOUSE
"Wait-a-go, you idiot! Ow! My head!"
ZIDANE
"I-I'm sorry! I-I thought you was a bandersnatch! Please don't do anything drastic!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Collapses)
"Ergh... I've barely got the energy to lift my head, let alone my fists..."
ZIDANE
"Man, we better get you to a doctor."
RAGTIME MOUSE
"T-There's no time... I-I'm done for..."
ZIDANE
"Don't speak like that! Your voice is really annoying, you know?"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Reading from his book)
"P-Pop quiz! Number 1280! You will take over my duties once I die. True or false."
ZIDANE
"False! Definitely false!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(He checks his book once again)
"Wrong!"
ZIDANE
"W-What the hell are you talkin' about?! I-I'm not takin' over your duties!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Weakly)
"L-Legend says that... once the Ragtime Mouse dies... the person responsible for his death... will take over his duties and become... the new quiz master. Do not disappoint me, Ragtime Mouse Number 452."
ZIDANE
(Panicing)
"W-Wait! I-I don't know what to do!"
RAGTIME MOUSE
(Weakly)
"J-Just... try to act... gay..."
The Ragtime Mouse lowers his head, and dies. Vivi, Freya and Eiko approach.
EIKO
"Zidane, you were gone for hours. We thought something terrible might have happened to you."
VIVI
"Yeah, are you alrig-"
They all notice the Ragtime Mouse lying on the ground.
FREYA
"Oh my God! Someone killed the Ragtime Mouse!"
ZIDANE
"Yeah, uh, that was kinda my fault."
EIKO
"Ew! Zidane! What happened to your face?!"
ZIDANE
"What?! What's wrong with it?!"
VIVI
"Y-Your skin is turning bright pink!"
FREYA
"Good lord! You must be in shock! Here, lie down!"
EIKO
(Pointing to Zidane's head)
"Ew! What the heck is that thing?!"
An eyeball on a stalk has grown through the top of his head. It looks around at the party.
FREYA
"Z-Zidane! You've got an extra eyeball!"
EIKO
"This is freaky!"
ZIDANE
(Clutching his head)
"Oh, dear God! The Ragtime Mouse was right! I am the new quiz master!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
QUEEN BRAHNE is sitting at her throne. A soldier walks in.
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"Your Majesty, the Captain of the Knights of Pluto requests a word with you."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Captain of the Knights of Pluto...?"
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"Adelbert Steiner, ma'am."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Send him in."
The soldier leaves. A few seconds later, Steiner walks in.
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Ah! Captain, uh, Steiner, I believe?"
STEINER
"Good afternoon, Your Majesty. You are looking well."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Alright, enough with the small talk. What do you want?"
STEINER
"Your Majesty, as you know I have been working very hard lately, and I think that I deserve... some time off, please."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"...You want some time off?"
STEINER
"Y-Yes."
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Laughs)
"Now that is a good one!"
STEINER
"I am being serious, Your Majesty."
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Sigh)
"Captain Steiner, do I look like an intelligent woman?"
STEINER
"Y-Yes, ma'am."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Alright, I have thought it over, and yes; you may take some time off."
STEINER
"R-Really?! T-Thank you, my queen!"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"You may have two days off to do as you please."
STEINER
"Two days?! But that's not long enough to-"
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Interrupting)
"You may have TWO days off to do as you please."
STEINER
(Disappointed)
"I am very grateful to you, Your Majesty."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"And so you should be. Good day, Captain Steiner."
He walks off.
QUEEN BRAHNE
(Shouting)
"I'm ready for my sponge bath now!"
ALEXANDRIA SOLDIER (O.S)
"Sponge bath?! Urgh!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - AFTERNOON
Zidane is telling the party all about his conversation with the Ragtime Mouse.
ZIDANE
"And so then he said that I would become the new quiz master, and that I would take over all his old duties."
FREYA
"My, my! This is bad!"
EIKO
"So, what are you gonna do, Zidane?"
VIVI
"Yeah, you can't let that dead mouse tell you what to do."
ZIDANE
"I don't intend to. I'm just gonna carry on like normal. C'mon, everyone, we're going back to Alexandria."
FREYA
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea... What do you think Princess Garnet is going to say when she see's you looking like that?"
ZIDANE
"Aw, c'mon! I don't look that bad!"
FREYA
"Zidane, there's a 7-inch eyeball sticking out of your head!"
ZIDANE
(Sarcastically)
"Oh, boohoo! Freya, you've got a face like a rat, and you say I look weird?! That's rich!"
FREYA
(Sigh)
"I'm just saying! There's no need to bite my head off!"
EIKO
"Freya's right. You can't go into a public place looking like that!"
VIVI
"Maybe you should hang out here in the forest. Y'know, just until we find a cure or something."
FREYA
"Personally, I don't think there WILL be a cure. If what Zidane said was true, then he's gonna look like that until he reaches the day of his death."
ZIDANE
"I can't say that I don't miss my old good looks, cause I do. But if I'm gonna live out the rest of my days looking like some freak, then I don't mind. 'Sides, I'm sure Dagger will love me, whatever I look like!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
Zidane, Vivi, Freya and Eiko are with DAGGER in her bedroom. She is screaming her head off.
ZIDANE
(To Freya)
"Make her stop!"
FREYA
"I told you we should've hid out in the forest for a while."
DAGGER
"I-I can't believe that this has happened! It-It's just so... Argh!"
ZIDANE
"Please, Dagger, I'm still the same person underneath."
DAGGER
"We all know that it's not what's on the inside that matters!"
VIVI
"Here, here!"
ZIDANE
(Gasp)
"Dagger, I'm disappointed in you! I didn't think you were so shallow. I shake my head in disgust."
He starts shaking his head back and forth. The eyeball sticking out through his hair sways with each movement of his head.
DAGGER
"Ergh!"
EIKO
"I wonder if he can see through that eye..."
DAGGER
(Angry)
"Eiko!"
EIKO
"Yikes! Sorry, Dagger!"
DAGGER
"Zidane, I think its best if you just leave."
ZIDANE
"B-But where will I sleep?!"
DAGGER
"Where your kind usually sleeps: the forest, of course."
ZIDANE
"Dagger, I ask you again; please don't give up on me just because I'm a weirdo!"
DAGGER
"I-I'm so sorry, Zidane. I'd love to stick by your side, but I'm a princess, and if people see me hanging around with some bizzare animal, then I'm gonna lose a lot of respect!"
ZIDANE
"I am not an animal! I am a human being!"
FREYA
"Princess Garnet, when you look at me, what do you see?"
DAGGER
(She looks at Freya)
"I see a Burmecian Dragon Knight wearing a red jacket of some kind."
FREYA
"No, let me rephrase that. How do I look... to you?"
DAGGER
"You look like a rat."
FREYA
"Exactly. I'm different."
DAGGER
"Well, yes, but you're different because you come from a different race."
ZIDANE
"Uh, I come from a different race too! I'm a genome, remember?!"
DAGGER
(To Zidane)
"Yeah, but you're essentially human. Well, you WERE essentially human."
FREYA
(To Dagger)
"Zidane is basically the same person he always was. You must give him a chance."
DAGGER
(Looks at Zidane)
"...Ew! No!"
ZIDANE
"Then all is lost... Goodbye, Dagger."
Zidane slowly walks out of the room.
FREYA
"Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, Princess."
Freya leaves the room.
EIKO
"Dagger! Why are you being so awful to Zidane?!"
Eiko leaves the room.
VIVI
"..."
DAGGER
"Aren't you going to say anything, Vivi?"
VIVI
"...Zidane is a good friend. B-But you're a good friend too. Why do people have to fight?"
DAGGER
"Because-"
VIVI
(Interrupting)
"How do you prove that you exist? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? How many different questions are there? Why can't Quina speak properly? Why are-"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA - AFTERNOON
Zidane is walking towards the town gate. Freya and Eiko come running after him.
FREYA
"Zidane, where are you going?!"
ZIDANE
"The forest. It's where I belong."
FREYA
"That's not true and you know it!"
EIKO
"Yeah, I'm sure Dagger didn't mean all that stuff she said."
ZIDANE
(Waiting for them to catch up)
"She did! Everything she said was true! And I don't blame her one bit! Look at me! I'm a monster!"
FREYA
"You're not a monster. You're the Ragtime Mouse."
ZIDANE
"Oh, why did he have to die?! Goddamn stupid ass idiot!"
FREYA
"Zidane, you must be strong. Listen, I'm sure things'll work out."
ZIDANE
"Yeah, right! I'm doomed to a life of questions! It's time to get into the routine. Freya, Eiko, thanks for everything."
EIKO
"Don't go, Zidane! I'd miss you too much!"
ZIDANE
"Hey, if you ever need me, then just check your nearest forest."
He walks off through the town gate and disappears into the countryside.
EIKO
"He's gone, Freya. He's gone."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING
Steiner is in his bedroom with General Beatrix. He has a suitcase and a pile of clothes laid out on the bed.
STEINER
"Beatrix, this time tomorrow I shall be lying on a beach somewhere in the Outer Continent, soaking up the sun. Life is great, isn't it?"
BEATRIX
"Well I still can't believe that Queen Brahne gave you two days off. This is ludicrous."
STEINER
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"
BEATRIX
"Jealous?! Ha! Of you?! You can't even get it up in the evening! What do I have to be jealous about?!"
STEINER
"My holiday in the Outer Continent."
BEATRIX
(Upset)
"Oh, yes, that."
STEINER
"Do not worry, Beatrix! Once I get some good rest and relaxation, I shall become a new man! You won't have to buy any more rubber dildo's."
BEATRIX
"Steiner! Not so loud! That's my darkest secret, you know?!"
STEINER
"Oops, sorry."
He shuts his suitcase full of clothes.
STEINER
"There, all done! Eleven hours and counting!"
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are all sat at the dinning room table.
VIVI
"So, he left?"
FREYA
"Yeah, we may never see him again now."
EIKO
(Jumping up and down)
"I can't take this anymore! I have to see Zidane!"
FREYA
"Please try to cheer up, Eiko. Zidane wouldn't want us to be so depressed."
EIKO
"But this is all Dagger's fault! If only she hadn't kicked Zidane out of the castle!"
FREYA
"I agree that she may have been a bit hasty, but we have to contain our anger."
EIKO
(Getting out of her chair)
"Well, I don't think I can! I'm going to speak with her right now!"
FREYA
"Okay, but only if you promise to be nice to her."
EIKO
"I promise nothing!"
She runs out of the kitchen.
INT. GARNET'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Dagger is staring out the window. Eiko bursts into the room, followed by a soldier.
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER
"I-I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I couldn't stop her!"
DAGGER
"Eiko? What are you doing here?"
EIKO
"I came to have a little chat!"
DAGGER
(To the soldier)
"It's alright. I'll handle this."
The soldier leaves the room and closes the door.
DAGGER
"Is something wrong, Eiko?"
EIKO
"Is something wrong? Is something wrong?! Of course there's something wrong!"
DAGGER
"Let me guess, this is about Zidane, right?"
EIKO
"Darn right! Why did you stop loving him?"
DAGGER
"I didn't stop loving him. I'll never stop loving him."
EIKO
"Then why did you make him go away to live in the forest?"
DAGGER
"Eiko... I had no other choice. I had to banish him."
EIKO
"But why?! I thought your mother said it was okay to hang out with Zidane..."
DAGGER
"This has nothing to do with Mother. It was my decision."
EIKO
"But why?"
DAGGER
"When I saw Zidane today, he... he scared me."
EIKO
"WHAT?!"
DAGGER
"Okay, so maybe that's not true. Listen, the truth is I can't go out with someone who looks like some kinda alien from another planet. You see, when Mother eventually dies, I shall become the heir to the throne, and the people of this town, no, the people of this world will come to rely on me as their sole leader. I would have loved to make Zidane my king, but what would the public think if they saw that the king was inhuman? You understand, don't you?"
EIKO
"Sorta. You were kind of all over the place there."
DAGGER
"I know you're upset, and so am I. I'm hurting too, but there is nothing that can be done. We just have to learn to accept."
EIKO
"What if we can't?"
DAGGER
"Then... there is no hope for any of us."
EIKO
"Your words have really touched me tonight, Dagger."
DAGGER
"I'm glad."
EIKO
"But I still feel rotten! I want Zidane back here where he belongs!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NEXT MORNING
Steiner is standing outside the castle with General Beatrix. He is holding his suitcase, and is wearing a baseball cap over his helmet.
STEINER
"Well, this is it..."
BEATRIX
"I'll be counting the days until you return."
STEINER
"...Heh-heh! I won't!"
BEATRIX
"Oh, you!"
They both kiss.
STEINER
"Goodbye for now, Beatrix."
BEATRIX
"Goodbye, Steiner."
Steiner walks off towards the harbour. Beatrix waves at him. Once Steiner is safely out of view, Beatrix runs back into the castle.
BEATRIX (O.S)
"Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes! Yes!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA - MORNING
Steiner enters the harbour. A big, red ship is docked at the port. He climbs aboard.
STEINER
"Ah! Two days in the glorious sunshine! What could be better?!"
The ship sails off into the distance.
STEINER (O.S)
"Woohoo! I'm king of the world!"
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - MORNING
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are sat at the dinning room table eating their breakfast.
VIVI
"I-I wonder why the princess didn't turn up for breakfast this morning?"
EIKO
"Who cares?!"
FREYA
"So you didn't patch things up with her last night?"
EIKO
"Not really. I listened to her 'reasons', but they sorta sucked."
FREYA
"Tell you what, Eiko. Why don't we go to the forest today and see if we can find Zidane?"
EIKO
(Excited)
"What?! Really?! Gee, thanks, Freya! You're the best!"
FREYA
"Will you be coming too, Vivi?"
VIVI
"S-Sure! I'd love to visit Zidane!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Freya and Eiko enter the forest. They begin to search for Zidane.
FREYA
"Just remember: if you see any bandersnatch, then just run, okay?"
They wander further into the forest. Suddenly, that disturbingly peaceful battle music starts to play.
EIKO
"Here he comes!"
Zidane appears in front of the party. He now looks almost exactly like the original Ragtime Mouse. Only his blonde hair and long tail remain. He dances around like a lunatic.
EIKO
"Oh, my! What have they done to him?!"
ZIDANE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1281! Zidane misses his old friends. True or false."
EIKO
(Sheds a tear)
"...True."
ZIDANE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 10,000 Gil! I love you guys!"
Zidane then runs off into the bushes. The party try to stop him.
EIKO
"Zidane, wait! Don't go!"
He is too quick for them. He disappears from view.
EIKO
(Cries)
"Waaaaaaa! Why?! Why?! Waaaaaaa!
FREYA
"It's so cruel that he ended up that way."
VIVI
(Cries)
"Waaaaaaa! The bestest friend I ever had in the world has become nothing more than an annoying friendly creature! I can't handle this! Waaaaaaa!"
FREYA
(To herself)
"Poor Zidane..."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - DAY
Garnet is staring out the window again. It doesn't look like she has moved all night.
DAGGER
"Zidane... I know you're out there somewhere. I just want you to know that I miss you so much. I wish we could become an item again."
She walks over to her bed.
DAGGER
"I-I should've tried harder. Eiko was right. I should have given Zidane a chance. All I cared about was how it would look to other people. But they don't matter to me. Zidane is my only love. I-I must bring him back to Alexandria."
She runs out of the bedroom door.
EXT. CONDE PETIE - DAY
Steiner is waiting outside the village with his suitcase.
STEINER
(Reading from a brochure)
"This must be the place... Conde Petie, huh?"
He walks inside.
INT. CONDE PETIE - DAY
Steiner enters the village. A VILLAGER guards the entrance.
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Wr-Wraly-ho...?"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Rh-Rhallie-who...?"
VILLAGER
(Pissed off)
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"Oh, cute."
He tries to walk in but a group of other villagers block his path.
VILLAGERS
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"What is the meaning of this?!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho's oor sacred greetin'!"
VILLAGER #2
"If ye dinnae say Rally-Ho, then ye cannae enter Conde Petie, hametoon o' the dwarves!"
STEINER
"...This is so stupid!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho!"
STEINER
"...Rally-ho!"
VILLAGER
"Rally-ho! Ye can pass!"
The dwarves move away and allow Steiner to enter the village.
STEINER
(To himself)
"My vacation has barely begun, and I'm already being gang probed by little green men!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Freya and Eiko are walking back to Alexandria. Dagger comes running towards them.
EIKO
"Hey, look! It's Dagger!"
DAGGER
(Tired)
"Whew! I-I'm so glad I found you all."
FREYA
"Princess, what are you doing here?"
DAGGER
"...I came to look for Zidane. Can you all help me find him?"
EIKO
"Hey, I thought you didn't wanna see Zidane ever again! What's changed?"
DAGGER
"Let me just say, I've finally woke up and smelt the coffee."
VIVI
"Oh, you smelt it too? It's not the kinda thing you wanna wake up to first thing in the morning, huh?"
DAGGER
(Ignoring him)
"Let's go find Zidane!"
FREYA
"I'm sorry, Princess, but I don't think it'll be so easy to track him down."
EIKO
"Yep, we already saw him earlier, but he ran off into the forest and we couldn't catch him in time."
DAGGER
"Well, we have to try. I must speak with him. I have to tell him how sorry I am."
EIKO
"You shoulda thought about that last night."
DAGGER
"I know. I made a mistake. But now I intend to put things right. C'mon, guys."
FREYA
"Very well. We shall resume our search. Let's go."
They walk back towards the forest.
EXT. OUTER CONTINENT - DAY
Steiner is lying on the beach, under a giant umbrella. He is wearing a pair of sunglasses and a bathing costume. There is a picnic basket in the sand.
STEINER
(Sigh)
"Now, this is the life! Sun, sea, sand and... sandwhiches."
He pulls a sandwhich out from his picnic basket.
STEINER
(Checking the sandwhich)
"Oooh! Pickle!"
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - DAY
Vivi, Dagger, Freya and Eiko are wandering through the forest again.
EIKO
"You know, the possibility of finding the Ragtime Mouse in the same forest so soon after our recent meeting, is extremely low."
Suddenly, the queer music kicks up.
DAGGER
"Could that be...?"
Zidane appears in front of the party. He starts to dance.
DAGGER
"He looks even worse than before!"
EIKO
(Angry)
"Dagger!"
DAGGER
"Don't worry, I still love him."
ZIDANE
(Reading from his book)
"Pop quiz! Number 1282! Quistis Trepe is an ugly skunk. True or false."
EIKO
"True! True, I say!"
ZIDANE
(He checks his book once again)
"Correct! You get 11,000 Gil! You got 65% correct!"
Zidane turns around and prepares to run back through the bushes.
DAGGER
"Zidane, wait!"
He stops and turns to face Dagger.
DAGGER
"May I ask a few questions? Please?"
ZIDANE
"..."
DAGGER
"You hate your new life. True or false."
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
"Alexandria is your real home. True or false."
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
"I... I want you to come back to the castle with me. True or false."
Zidane stares into her eyes for a short while.
ZIDANE
"...True."
DAGGER
(Begins to cry)
"Oh, Zidane!"
They run into each others arms and hug. They are reunited at last.
DAGGER
(Backing off)
"Geez, you need a shower!"
ZIDANE
"I love you, Dagger."
They hug again. Vivi, Freya and Eiko smile.
EXT. OUTER CONTINENT - AFTERNOON
Steiner is swimming around in the clear blue sea.
STEINER
"Ah! Nothing clears the mind quite like a nice, relaxing swim!"
VOICE (O.S)
(Shouting)
"Yoohoo! Hello, handsome!"
Steiner looks over towards the land. A sexy woman in a bikini is lying on the beach.
WOMAN
(Shouting)
"Lovely day, isn't it?"
STEINER
(To himself)
"Mmmm... tasty."
Just then, a WHALE ZOMBIE surfaces from below the waves. It swallows Steiner whole, and then disappears back under the ocean.
WOMAN
"Wow, you don't see that every day..."
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - AFTERNOON
Zidane and Dagger are in her room. They are sitting on the bed, talking to each other.
ZIDANE
"Thanks for giving us another chance, Dagger. I hated it out there in the forest."
DAGGER
"Do not fear, Zidane. You're safe now. You sure are ugly though."
ZIDANE
"I know! I know! You've said that, like, five times already!"
DAGGER
"I should probably go and explain things to my mother. She'll want to know I'm dating a quiz master."
ZIDANE
"How do you think she'll take it?"
DAGGER
"You know, I have no idea. Perhaps you should come with me."
ZIDANE
"I dunno. That sounds pretty risky."
DAGGER
(Sigh)
"You're right. Oh, if only Steiner were here. He'd know what to do."
ZIDANE
"Hey, yeah, where is Rusty anyway?"
DAGGER
"He went off on vacation to the Outer Continent."
ZIDANE
"Oh, cool."
DAGGER
"You stay here. I'll go speak to Mother."
Dagger gets off the bed and opens the bedroom door. Vivi and Eiko are waiting outside.
DAGGER
"Hi, guys."
EIKO
"Can we see Zidane now?"
DAGGER
"Sure. I have something to do at the moment, so you two can keep him company."
VIVI
"T-Thanks."
Dagger leaves the room. Vivi and Eiko walk in.
EIKO
"Hello, Zidane! How're you feeling?"
ZIDANE
"Hi, you two! What up?"
VIVI
"Isn't it cool that you're back in Alexandria now?! We can do all the great stuff that we used to do again!"
ZIDANE
"Hopefully. But I may have to lie low for a while. What with my ugly looks and all."
EIKO
"..."
ZIDANE
"Eiko? You alright?"
EIKO
"I'm fine."
VIVI
"Are you coming down for dinner later on? Quina baked some cookies."
EIKO
"Yes, I helped too, y'know?"
ZIDANE
(Laughs)
"You know I never say no to cookies!"
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - AFTERNOON
Garnet is talking with Queen Brahne.
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Are you serious?!"
DAGGER
"H-He's basically the same person underneath, Mother."
QUEEN BRAHNE
"That's even more disturbing!"
DAGGER
"So, he can't stay?"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"He most certainly can't! I refuse to sleep under the same roof as the Ragtime Mouse!"
DAGGER
"B-But I can't just get rid of him! I care about him too much!"
QUEEN BRAHNE
"Then I suggest you pack your bags and leave with him. I'm sorry, Garnet, but this is just unacceptable!"
DAGGER
"..."
EXT. ALEXANDRIA PLATEAU - EVENING
Zidane and Garnet are in the forest, sitting in a tall tree.
ZIDANE
"Man, you must really love me to be able to find the courage to leave your entire heritage behind like that."
DAGGER
"Yeah, either that or I must've gone insane. I prefer the latter."
ZIDANE
(Looking down at the ground)
"Oooh! Look! A customer!"
He jumps out of the tree.
ZIDANE (O.S)
"Pop quiz! Number 1283! This whole experience sucked major ass. True or false."
VOICE (O.S)
"False...?"
ZIDANE (O.S)
"Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Bad! Bad, bad!"
DAGGER
(Sigh)
"And I would do anything for love."
EXT. LINDBLUM BEACH - EVENING
A Whale Zombie surfaces from below the waves. It starts to shoot water out from its head. Steiner then pops out and flies into the air. He then lands with a bump onto the beach.
STEINER
"Oof! I must say that went rather well! Best vacation ever! No doubt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~