Disclaimer: Alias is created and owned by people who are not me. "Rinse" is a song by the talented Vanessa Carlton. I'm not her either. ;-)
Summary: Just another angst song fic from Syd's POV about Syd/Vaughn. Very original, you have to agree. Hehe. Post ATY
Spoilers: ATY, any episode w/ Syd/Vaughn sap
Archive: Just send a link first, please J
A/N: Okay, so here's the story- I love the songs "A Thousand Miles" and "Ordinary Day," Vanessa Carlton's two singles. Because of this, I spent some time the other day downloading the songs on her album. I heard this song and it immediately captured my attention as the perfect Syd/Vaughn song. ((I'm on the constant lookout for good shipper songs. Lol)) Anywayz, this one's a bit depressing but it fits so perfectly that you'd think Vanessa wrote it specifically for an Alias song fic. Lol. Here it is.
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"Mom?" I wouldn't believe it. I refused to believe it. This wasn't possible. This wasn't happening. This wasn't reality. This wasn't good. This wasn't a situation I wanted to be in. This wasn't the fairy tale reunion I used to picture when I was a little girl and didn't understand that my mother was gone.
There were so many "this wasn'ts" swarming in my brain that it was giving me a throbbing headache. I couldn't focus on anything. My eyes were brimming with tears and my vision was blurred. Standing before me was, though I tried to convince myself that it wasn't true, that I'd finally snapped and it was just an illusion, was my mother.
She was "The Man." She was ruthless. She was cold. She was brutal. She was a murderer. She'd killed Vaughn's father and now Vaughn. She was my mother.
"Sydney…Sydney, Sydney, Sydney…. I've always wondered what you
would become. How you would turn out, no mother to raise you. I always knew you
were strong. Even when you were a little girl it was known. I knew you were
stubborn and smart. I knew right from the beginning that you would go into the family
business, so to speak," my mother spoke the words as though she were
complimenting me on a high school graduation. Her voice was surprisingly soft
and warm, not at all the cold and evil tone I'd expected.
She'd do anything to
sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
"You killed dozens of CIA officers. You killed the father of one of my best friends. You killed him, too. Doing that has killed me as much as it's possible to. So what the hell do you want with me?" I snapped, not caring how warm her tone may have sounded.
"That's where you're wrong, my dear. I have not killed your friend. He's still quite alive, unharmed in fact. He'll stay that way if you cooperate with me."
"What the hell do you want?" I repeated, unwavering.
My mother smiled slightly. "Nothing. I want nothing from you. I simply need to talk to you. I want to ask you some questions. Is it so wrong for a mother to want to know about her daughter?"
I searched her eyes for any hint of deceit, but could find none. I didn't take that as proof for her honesty, however. I of all people know how easy it was to cover emotions. Now all I cared about was getting Vaughn back to LA alive. If my mother had to torture me to get me to say what she wanted to hear, so be it. I'd endure any pain as long as she let Vaughn go.
"What do you want to know?" I asked stiffly. If I let any emotion break through in my voice, I knew I'd break down into the tears that were welling up like water in a plugged sink. I refused to let the tears fall. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
"I want to know about you, Sydney. What has been going on in your life these past 30 years? Have you married, or had children? Did you go to school? How is your father? I want to know all the things I have missed out on. I've missed out on so much."
I blinked furiously. "And that's my fault?"
She smirked. "Hmph. Maybe this won't be as easy as I thought. Maybe I should bring in your friend to help persuade you to answer more willingly." She snapped her fingers and Vaughn was brought in, dripping wet but looking clear and healthy as when we'd left LA. Though even if he's been covered in blood or dirt or scars or bruises, he would've still looked better to me right then than anyone had in my entire life.
She's been wishin' on
the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
"Vaughn…" I whispered as I saw his green eyes pleading silently with me not to worry, that he was fine. The guard who had brought him in sat him in a chair near mine and held out a gun.
"Now, Syd, answer my questions please."
And so, I answered all of her questions. I was surprised to find she'd been telling the truth. She wanted to know nothing about the government or CIA or SD-6. She really wanted to know about me. She asked me everything. Everything about every little aspect of my life. It pained me to answer the questions. Why the hell should I tell anything to anyone whose own fault it was that they no longer knew me? But I answered anyway, for Vaughn.
Finally, hours later, she untied my ropes and freed Vaughn.
As she opened the door, she left me with bone chilling words filled with promise and a cruel calmness. "This is just the beginning, Sydney. Remember that. We will meet again in the future and it won't be as easy. I'm doing you a favor now because you're my daughter and despite what I know you believe, I still love you," she turned to Vaughn. "And I'm deeply sorry about your father, Mr. Vaughn. But I had to do my job," she told him with no emotion. I knew she wasn't sorry at all.
I wanted to run back demonstrate my karate skills right then. I wanted to make her feel the pain she'd shown to Vaughn. But Vaughn, knowing what I was thinking, looked into my eyes and placed a hand on my shoulder, leading me out the door and into the night.
I stared up at the darkened sky. There was no moon tonight, just the tiny white fire pinpricks of the stars. After all that had just happened, I found myself wondering how it was that the only thing I could think about was Vaughn. I saw a sudden light shoot across the sky and a childish thought came to mind. What if you really could wish on a star? Oh, what the hell. I have nothing to lose.
Shutting my eyes tightly, I whispered to myself, "Why the hell does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't things be different? I wish…I wish I could just…" Oh, admit it Sydney, How can you do anything if you can't even admit it to yourself? "I wish I could be with Vaughn without having to worry about being killed….If only."
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
I knew I shouldn't have done it. I really shouldn't have. But it had happened somehow and there was nothing I could do about it. It had happened as quickly and easily as the sand falls through an hourglass or a drop of blood rinses from a paper cut. It was so simple and there right in front of me the whole time.
I'd fallen in love with my handler.
I finally admitted it to myself when we got back from Taipei, but I'd known all along.
I sat in the warehouse waiting for him, our first meeting since we'd returned. I was dreading it. I knew that after all that had happened this would be awkward, and I hate awkward. My realization wouldn't help any either.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't love him. It could never be. We could never be. At least not until SD-6 was brought down. Damn, why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't we have just happened to meet somewhere? At a pizza place or the mall?
I can't love my handler.
I had to get over this.
I had to.
But he walked though the chain link gate with his usual radiance, a light shining through him and shimmering in the dusty air, and I knew it would be the hardest thing I'd have to do.
How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'Til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man
"Hey, Syd. You got here early," Vaughn noted as he walked closer.
A slight nod was all I could manage. My eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Without knowing what I was doing, I threw myself into his arms.
We stood and hugged for what seemed like a long time. When we pulled apart, we stood in a ringing silence. I felt empty and cold without him arms around me.
"I thought you had died," I finally ventured almost silently.
"Yeah well… I held on. For 5 minutes I was underwater…. All I remember is blacking out then someone dragging me into the room where you were. And your mother…are you okay?" Vaughn replied softly. His tone was so fragile that it seemed as if it would shatter if he spoke any louder.
"Not really. I… I don't get it. Why did she have to come back, Vaughn? She could've stayed out of my life forever. She could've gone on living her pathetic, evil life and never brought me into it. She did it well enough for 30 years. Why? Why did she have to come back?"
He took my hand to comfort me and struggled with his next words. "Well... Everything has a reason for happening. I think I can guess hers. When I was…drowning, when I saw you through that window, I remember my last thought before everything went black. It was 'I don't want to lose Sydney,'" he laughed sadly and continued. "Your mother may be heartless, but she knows what loss is like. She lost you 30 years ago and she, like me, didn't want that."
I looked again into his emerald green eyes and wondered how it was that he always knew what to say. A ripple of warmth was rushing through my arm where he had placed his hand, but was followed by a chill of reality.
It can't be like this, Sydney. You can't do this. You and he will never be. Not for a while. It just can't happen, Sydney. Don't kid yourself.
Pain. The thoughts brought pain. And underneath the warmth and comfort, his hand brought pain as well. I pulled back gently. His eyes clouded with confusion, and I smiled at him reassuringly. Inside I was screaming.
She must rinse this
all away
She can't hold anybody this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him…
"Vaughn… Vaughn, we were lucky. We were really lucky that you were saved when you were. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you. So I want you to know, in case anything like that ever happens again, I don't want to have never told you…. I care about you a lot, Vaughn. More than you'll ever know. I told you once that I needed someone in my life to be real, and I've found that person…" I began slowly, not quite prepared for what I knew I had to say. I took a deep breath and looked up at Vaughn. His face was filled with unsaid emotions and his eyes were clear and encouraging. He said nothing.
I continued. "But…Vaughn… it can't be now. It can't be…. I want us to be real. I want to be able to go somewhere, anywhere. Whether it's a hockey game or just a trip to McDonalds for a shake on a Wednesday night, I want to be able to be seen in public with you. I want you to know that. And I want to know that you…feel the same."
Vaughn stared at me and then at the ground. He looked at the rough, rotting walls of the warehouse to the cool metal of the chain link fence I was leaning on. Then his eyes traveled back to me. "Sydney, you know I do. You know I would and have risked myself for you. You know how much I care. You know."
I nodded slowly, his words rushing through me like a river. "I've felt it for a while. I always felt something there…something that shouldn't have been. But it's there and it always will be. And we can't do anything about it, can we?"
The pain returned as he shook his head sadly. "No."
"And besides the fact that it's impossible…you should know that anyone I care about is in danger. I think I'm cursed. Danny, Noah, Will… almost you. I can't care for anyone. Only bad comes out of it. I'm just…I'm just warning you."
"Syd, don't talk like that. You're not cursed. Not everyone you care about has to be hurt. I'll be okay, don't worry. How can a guardian angel be hurt?" he joked with a wink.
I laughed through a tear that had managed to escape down my cheek. "Thanks, Vaughn. Thanks for always being here to talk to me at all hours. Even if we know there are things we can't help…"
Yes, there were things we couldn't help. We knew we couldn't act on the feelings we'd both just confessed. It killed us, but we knew. My eyes filled up again. I couldn't look at him anymore tonight. It was too painful.
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine
I couldn't look at him anymore tonight. Giving his hand a squeeze, I sent him a small tearful smile and turned away. Walking out of the warehouse was the most difficult walk I've ever had to take. Breaking free from the musty air and into the warm, serene night, I knew that this was the beginning of a new day. A new horizon. Nothing would ever be the same, and maybe it would be painful and maybe it would be arduous, but it would give us something more to win at the end of this battle.
As I walked away, I could feel his eyes on me. I knew they were staring out at me, watching over me, my guardian angel. I knew they were watching and yearning, longing for something impossible to have.
I was wishing the same.
I knew he wouldn't come after me. My life just isn't that perfect. He would follow me anywhere he felt he was needed, on any mission to any country, but I knew he wouldn't follow me out of this cage; our warehouse. If he did, it would only lead to more pain and confusion that neither of us could deal with.
I made it back to my apartment. It was only 9:00 and Will and Amy were there, just pulling out the Game of Life and setting up the board.
Warmly, they welcomed me in and Francie asked if I wanted to join in the game. I smiled and shook my head, saying I was still tired from my last trip and that I wanted to go to bed.
That was partly the truth. The other part was that I wasn't in the mood for a game mocking what I knew as life. My life was already complicated enough, and I didn't need little pink and blue plastic people driving in plastic multi-colored cars across cardboard to remind me of what life "really" is.
I sank into my bed with the lights out, watching a Dawson's Creek re-run and listening to my friends chatting and laughing outside the room.
I knew I was surrounding by warm, loving, caring people. They were right outside my room. They were concerned about me sometimes, happy for me sometimes, cried with me sometimes. They were my friends and I knew that.
But I had never felt so alone.
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She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
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She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
Love. It's an odd thing. I hadn't felt it since Danny died until now. I had thought I felt it for Noah, but I was just kidding myself. Noah was…Noah was what a psychiatrist would call symbolism. He was something from my past that I was clinging to, something I wanted only because I had wanted him in my memories. I know that now.
Love is what I felt for Danny. Love is what I once felt for Noah. Love, whether I'm supposed to or not, is what I feel for Vaughn. Nothing is going to change that. Not my mother or my father or Devlin or protocol is going to change that.
I lay there on my bed, the glowing green numbers on my alarm clock flickering to 10:17 pm, thinking about all that. I wasn't supposed to, allowed to, encouraged to, permitted to love Vaughn, but I did. I just did.
I would not try to talk myself out of it, no matter how much I knew I should have. Never, no matter what anyone did or said, would I stop loving Vaughn. Nothing could change the way I felt.
Suddenly, I was sick of lying in bed moping. I heard the warm talking and laughing of my friends outside, and I stood, feeling newly powerful with my stubborn realization. I opened my bedroom door and let the golden light flood in. I stared at my shadow, dark and tall against the light, then at my friends. I sighed deeply, knowing that being with Vaughn was not an option for the time being but taking comfort in knowing that he was out there, somewhere on these lonely LA streets, looking out for me always.
My friends greeted me and said they were in the mood for
another round. So, I played the Game of Life with my friends and picked the
orange plastic car. I landed on the wedding space 5 minutes into the game and
reaching for the little plastic blue figure to represent my husband, I took a
massive breech of protocol. I named my husband Michael.
She must rinse this
all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
I wasn't allowed to love him but I did. In situations like this, there's only one thing to say- screw protocol.
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