Disclaimer: This world does not belong to me; I'm merely borrowing it. I do not intend to profit in any monetary way by writing this fanfiction. It's sort of cathartic, though, to write Asuka, so I might be benefiting psychologically. Don't sue me or I'll cry.
Disclaimer II: Introverted darkfic with spoilers. You have been warned.
Running Through/Blinded by the Light
It's so bright. You can hardly see as you run down the hallway. But you're happy, and you know how to get there. The door isn't far away. "Mama!"
It's the same nightmare. You want to open your eyes, but staring at the ceiling isn't an acceptable option. If you do that, you won't be able to sleep again for hours. But no matter how hard you try to stop it, the scene keeps repeating itself in front of you. It's as if the insides of your eyelids are the screen of some malevolent movie theater.
"Mama! Guess what? I was chosen today to be a pilot!"
It's funny, in a sad sort of way, that you were so excited about it. After all, what good has it done you?
Nobody will look at you except in anger. Kaji-san won't; he wants Misato. Misato spends all her time pretending not to love Kaji. The Commander is in love with NERV, for some odd reason. Dr. Akagi is in love with Gendo, although she's good at hiding it. Shinji, when he's not all wrapped up inside of himself, moons after Rei.
Rei. She's the worst, in some ways. "Let's be friends," you said. And she said, "Why?" Just "why." Is she capable of caring for anything or anybody? Well, part of the point of being in a group, like the Eva pilots, is that they understand what's going on. They can recognize you as a human being. They can recognize your accomplishments, because they know how hard it is to get there. They can care.
They can be your friends. If they want to, that is. That's why.
"Mama! I'm special now! You can love me again now that I'm special, Mama!"
Special. Ha! One of the chosen few. The most hated of the freakshow that is the backbone of NERV. Sure, you're popular at school—superficially. Most of the girls hate you because you're better-looking than they are. Most of the boys, baka hentai that they are, hate you because you won't go out with them, or because you're smarter, or because they don't like your attitude. Even Hikari, at times, sides with you more out of loyalty to the ideal of friendship than due to any real feeling on her part. You can tell. You're not stupid, after all. Your closest "friend," they say. The sad part is, they're right. Even the Commander has one person who loves him. Even he has family, who he could reach out to if he wanted to.
All your life you've been special, and nobody loved you anyway. Papa left you and your Mama—and Mama wanted you to die with her. You were a 14-year-old graduate of a top University, and Misato left Germany for Japan with hardly a "congratulations." You're an adult now; you've been an adult ever since you turned 13, and Kaji ignores you. You're the best Eva pilot, out of only four Children out of the whole world, and still nobody gives a damn about you.
Misato is so infuriating. Sometimes it seems like she's heard you when you've been talking to yourself. But she never says anything. She never tries to help. There she goes, pretending to be your mother (who does she think she's fooling!), but she never acts caring, like a real mother.
Not that you'd know about real mothers and how they act.
"Mama! Look at me!"
'Look at me. Look at what I did.' Even with equipment that shouldn't work underwater, even with Shinji making nerve-noise in the entry plug, you were able to take down the 6th Angel. Despite having to synchronize with slowpoke Shinji down to the second, you were able to destroy the 7th with him. You fought in a bulky, ugly suit while submerged in lava. You killed the bomb-Angel with one blow while Shinji and Rei held it up. You endured high-concentration acid being poured on your back. 'Look at me.' Why? Because you're the best, right?
Of course not. Shinji has no art, no skill, and a low sychro rate. He only wins because of some twisted luck. He can't shoot straight, can't run fast or far, can't fight worth a single yen. The only things Shinji has going for him are Eva-01's berserker fits and Rei's self-sacrificial help. In a contest of pure skill, you'd win with your eyes closed. So why does he get all the attention? Hell, even the Commander told him that he had done a good job, that one time. Why don't you get praise for what you do? They only see the surface. They only see the strong—no, untouchable—front you project to keep the pain tucked away in your subconscious.
Damn memories…. You want to cry—NO! You want to scream! You want to break things and hit people. Not that it would do you any good if you did, but at least you're good at it, and it will take your mind off of… other things. You want to hit Shinji. Hard. It's the only way to make the little jerk pay any real attention to you. He may not realize that his aloofness is an insult, but it is.
You do the best you can. You work your guts out; spend all your energy. You pour your heart and soul into making yourself the best you can be, and nobody even notices. Not that they care enough to pay attention.
Nobody looks at you with the proud smile you so wanted to see on her face.
Nobody drops their own personal (metaphorical) doll and hugs you instead.
Nobody loves you.
You push the door, and it swings open. "Look at me! Mama! Look at me!"
End
Author's Notes:
Man, it felt good (in a melancholy sort of way) to get that out of my system. Although I identify with Shinji also, Asuka is my favorite Eva character. She's certainly the most maligned, and my hope is that fics like this will show the unbelievers why she's not just a "bitch," as they too often call her. You don't have to like Asuka best, or better than Rei, or even at all. Just understand her. Is it really that difficult?
I like doing experimental stuff. Originally this was written in the first person, but it bothered me. It was… insufficient. I'd already done a first-person, moody Asuka fic. Suddenly I thought, "hey, I could write this in the second person instead." And as soon as I retyped it, everything just clicked.
I actually like all the characters, even Rei, but it's hard to put that into anything from Asuka's POV. If I ever figure out how Rei thinks, I'll do one just for her. It's a promise, OK?
-Worldmage