What's this? A Kung Fu Panda story written by edger230 with no TiPo?! What kind of crazy, messed up world are we living in?!
Two things-
One, you're right! It IS crazy! I still can't believe it myself!
Two, I'm trying to focus more on the humor in this story and when I was thinking it over in my head, I couldn't really figure out a way to put in any TiPo without throwing it in out of the blue. Don't worry though, I'm going to put a few subtle hints in so as not to leave you guys who came for TiPo completely disappointed.
This is the longest one shot I have ever written! Credit goes to EmmerzK for letting me use his/her idea for this story. By the way, check out their How to Train Your Dragon story "Confessions of a Lovesick Viking," it's A-MA-ZING!
I don't own Kung Fu Panda, this idea, Charlie the Unicorn 2, The Song of the Cebu, The Water Buffalo Song, Double Rainbow or the song "Albi the Racist Dragon."
Po woke up to something warm, soft and wet on his forehead, but he refused to open his eyes. His head had never hurt so much in his life. His thoughts were fuzzy. When he tried to remember how he got such a horrible headache, it all came out as blank.
"Guys, I think he's awake!" He heard a voice shout. It took a moment for him to process who the voice belonged to. It was a girl's, it was almost monotone, but he could hear hope in it at the same time.
"Po, can you hear me?" there was more hope this time. As much as he didn't want to, Po opened his eyelids, which felt like they each weighed five hundred pounds. His vision was blurry, but he could still hear.
"Tigress?" he asked.
It took everything Tigress had not to give him a huge hug. She didn't want to hurt him anymore than he already was. "How are you doing?"
Po processed her question for a moment. "…My head hurts."
"Well, I'd be confused if it didn't." Tigress chuckled.
Monkey, Crane, Mantis and Viper arrived in Po's doorway breathing heavily. Po couldn't quite see them, but he knew they were there once he heard them talk.
"How are you, brother?" another voice asked. Usually, Po would know immediately that the one speaking was Viper, but his thoughts were still cloudy.
Po gave the same reply. "…My head hurts."
"It's going to do that for a few days." Tigress said while gently taking his paw. "Do you remember why it hurts so badly?"
Po tried his best to think of an answer but that only made his head hurt more. "…No."
"Well, we fought a pretty big group of bandits about two days ago. One of them hit your head with a hammer pretty hard while you were distracted. The doctors told us he gave you a concussion."
"Did we beat the bandits?" Po groaned.
Monkey laughed. "Of course we did, buddy. Who do you think we are?" Po managed a weak smile.
"Yeah, Tigress gave the one who hit you a pretty good beating." Mantis laughed.
"I can give you one too, Mantis." Tigress growled. Po did his best to hide another smile.
"Hey, Po. How's Albi doing?" Monkey sputtered.
Po thought for a moment. "Who?"
"You know, the dragon! He lives in the marmalade forest, between the make believe trees?" Mantis asked, laughing.
"In a cottage cheese cottage!" Crane added.
"While we're asking questions, did you and Tigress get the amulet to the Banana King?" The guys were laughing so hard, they almost fell over.
Tigress and Viper groaned. "Guys, seriously? Not now! Let him recover first!" Viper ordered.
"What are they talking about?" Po asked, rubbing his forehead, discovering the wet thing to be a washcloth.
Tigress sighed. "Well, the doctors told us that you weren't allowed to sleep for the first twenty four hours or…" she paused, hating the next words. "…you might never wake up." Po felt her grip on his hand tighten slightly.
Viper continued, seeing her friend was upset. "Well, we all took turns watching over you, making sure you wouldn't fall asleep… and…" It was Viper's turn to pause.
"Not only were you really hyper, but you said some pretty crazy stuff!" Mantis laughed. Po heard a smack and Mantis cry out in pain.
"What happened exactly?" Po asked. "Isn't it kind of impossible to live in a house made of cottage cheese?"
Everyone, even Viper and Tigress, chuckled. "That's one of the many things we were thinking." Viper said.
"Can we tell him the story?" Monkey pleaded to Tigress as if she was his mother.
Tigress looked at Po, who looked slightly curious. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine."
Mantis crawled onto Po's stomach. "Here's what happened…"
-Two days earlier-
The six warriors and their master were walking home from the doctor's. Po, with support from his friends was walking slowly up the steps. He kept mumbling about how there were spots everywhere and his head hurt. They were going so slowly, they all figured they would die of old age before they even made it halfway up the staircase.
When they finally DID make it up the staircase, it was the middle of the night. Po had just began to start asking dumb questions like, "Is it true that you can clog a pipe with air?" or "If I'm the Dragon Warrior, how come I'm not a dragon?"
The five gently let him sit down on the ground while they caught their breath and discussed with Master Shifu about who would be taking the first shift. Eventually it was decided that Monkey would do so.
They all helped Po to his room as he started singing "Everybody's got a water buffalo, yours is fast but mine is slow…" The five thought nothing of his song, knowing that he had no clue what he was talking about anyway. He got more and more hyper by the minute as he continued the song, which turned into something about a baby kangaroo. The group finally got him to his room, Monkey, Crane and Mantis doing their best not to burst into laughter. They all set Po down on the bed, making sure he didn't lay down.
"Keep a good eye on him, Monkey." Shifu said. Everyone but Monkey reluctantly left the room.
For a few moments everything was silent. Po quickly broke it.
"I'm hungry." He looked to his left. "Are you hungry?"
"Po, that's a pillow." Monkey said.
"So?"
"So there's no way it can get hungry. It's not alive."
"IT'S DEAD?!" Po screamed. He shook his pillow as hard as he could. "Stay alive, little buddy! STAY ALIVE!"
Monkey immediately jumped up. "Po! Calm down! Your pillow isn't supposed to be alive!"
Po stopped shaking the pillow. "Oh… I knew that."
Po's gone bonkers… Monkey thought.
Suddenly, Tigress sprinted into the room. "Is everything okay?" she asked.
"Everything's fine." Monkey said, but he was secretly thinking: no, everything is NOT okay! Our friend just tried to bring his pillow back to life! Does that seem NORMAL to you?!
Tigress sighed and blinked a few times. Is she blinking back tears? Monkey thought. "Okay. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
"Well, Po claimed he's hungry. Do you mind getting some food for him?" Monkey asked as Po poked his pillow as if he expected it to move.
Tigress nodded and left for the kitchen. A few minutes later, she came back with some rice. Po quickly ate it after saying something about a flamingo invasion. Tigress went back to her room after reminding them once again that if they needed anything, to just ask.
Monkey sat back down and sighed. Without warning, Po asked; "Do you know my friend Albi?"
Monkey thought for a moment. "I don't even think you do."
Po laughed. "Sure I do! He's a racist dragon! He's got this whole song around him!"
Monkey blinked in confusion. Before he knew it, Po was singing the song.
"In the marmalade forest,"
"Forest?" Monkey asked.
"Between the make believe trees." Po spread his arms out as if the forest was right in front of them. "In a cottage cheese cottage."
"Is it possible to have a house like that?"
"Lives Albi, Albi, Albi, Albi, Albi the racist dragon!"
Monkey just sat in confusion.
"Part 6."
"What are the other five parts?"
Po continued to ignore him. "And so all the people of the village chased Albi the racist dragon into a very cold, very scary cave, and it was so dark and scary in there that Albi began to cry dragon tears."
"Why are the villagers chasing Albi? By the way, I don't think there's a difference between dragon tears and regular tears."
"Which as we all know turn into jellybeans!"
"…I stand corrected."
"Anyway just at that moment he felt a tiny hand rest upon his tail. He turned around and who should that little hand belong to, but the badly burnt Albanian boy from the day before."
"This isn't really a song. It sounds more like a story."
"'What are you doing here? I thought I killed you yesterday!' grumbled Albi quite racistly." Po had tried to speak in a deep voice for Albi's line, but it ended up sounding ridiculous.
"Why would he try to kill a little kid?! Even if he IS racist!" Monkey exclaimed.
"'No Albi, you didn't kill me with your dragon flames," Po began in a squeaky voice. 'I crawled to safety but you did leave me very badly disfigured,' laughed the boy."
"Why is he laughing about that?"
"'Why are you crying, Albi?'" Po continued for the boy.
"'Well, all of the villagers chased me into this scary cave. I think it's because I'm so racist. Get your hand off my tail, you'll make it dirty.'" Po said in Albi's voice.
"This dragon doesn't really have much sympathy for kids…" Monkey sighed.
'They didn't chase you here because of your racism. They chased me here too, when I became all disfigured like this. They just don't like us because... well because we're different to them."
Monkey stayed silent, not sure how to respond.
"And with that, Albi cried a single tear, which turned into a jellybean all the colors of the rainbow! And suddenly, Albi wasn't racist, anymore."
"That's good."
"So they sat in the cave, and ate bubble gum pie!" Po sang.
"Yum?"
"Albi the racist - well not anymore - Dragon!" Po clapped as if he was the audience instead of the singer.
"That was… quite the song Po." Monkey was doing his best not to laugh.
"Do you wanna hear it again?" Po asked with wide eyes.
"No!" Monkey quickly said.
"In the marmalade forest, between the make believe trees…"
"You sang that for the rest of my shift." Monkey laughed.
Po groaned, and not just because of how much his head hurt. "Please tell me that was as bad as it got."
"We can't really say that." Crane chuckled.
Po groaned again. "What else did I say or do?"
"Well, during my shift you did nothing but sing about something called a Cebu." Viper said.
"What's a Cebu?" Po asked.
"Well, according to you, it's kind of like a cow."
"During my shift you were convinced you were looking at a double rainbow." Crane said. "I guess it was really pretty because you started crying about how beautiful it was."
"It's starting to look like a TRIPLE RAINBOW!" Mantis mimicked. Po couldn't resist laughing a little bit at that.
"During Mantis's shift, you thought you were fighting Tai Lung again…" Monkey said.
"Well that's not that bad." Po said.
"…but, you thought it was a dance fight!"
"Of course I did…"
"As weird as all of that was, we all agreed that Tigress' shift was the most bizarre." Viper sighed.
"Oh, goody." Po moaned.
-A little more than twenty four hours ago-
The second Tigress walked into Po's room, Po dragged her to the middle of the room.
"Tigress! I got the amulet!" Po shouted, holding a rock.
"Po, that's a rock. Where did you get that anyway?" Tigress face-palmed, although she couldn't resist a chuckle.
Her question went unanswered. "We need to take the amulet to the Banana King!"
"The Banana King?" Tigress echoed.
"If we don't, the vortex will open and unleash a thousand years of darkness!" Po pointed to the "vortex."
Tigress sighed. "That's a window."
"Sssssshhhhh!" Po covered her mouth. "You'll wake the Oomoo!" he whispered. (A.N. I know that line is actually in the third episode of Charlie the Unicorn, but I couldn't resist putting it in!)
Tigress pushed his hand away. "The what?"
"Come on, follow me!" Po started walking towards the corner of the room. Tigress rolled her eyes and followed, deciding to humor him.
Po quickly stopped just before hitting the corner and began talking in Spanish to it.
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish." Tigress said, wide eyed. "Then again, nothing is really going to surprise me right now." she thought.
Po then walked towards his closet and pulled something out. "Hop on board the train Tigress! It's going to take us to the Banana King!"
Tigress face-palmed again. "Po, that's a shoe."
"It's the choo-choo shoe!" Po exclaimed. He sat on top of the shoe, probably crushing it. "Chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga, SHOE SHOE!" Po said, mimicking a train. Tigress just stood where she was. It was official, Po had gone crazy.
Eventually, Po stood up again and walked over to his bed, leaving the flattened shoe behind. Tigress followed him, feeling a little creeped out.
"We're here, Tigress; the temple of the Banana King!" Po said happily.
"Great." Tigress said sarcastically. Po suddenly faced her with a weird grin and began to sing.
Tigress, you look quite down
With your big, big eyes
And your big, big frown
Tigress was officially creeped out. "Why did you just start singing?" she asked.
The world doesn't have to be so gray!
"Uhh… I'm fine actually." Po began to skip around the room.
Tigress, when your life's a mess
When you're feeling blue
Always in distress
"Po, the only thing that's making me distressed right now is you."
I know what can wash that sad away
Tigress was a little scared to find out what.
All you have to do is,
Put a banana in your ear!
Tigress just looked at the panda. "A banana in my ear?"
Put a ripe banana
Right into your favorite ear!
It's true, so true
When it's in, your troubles disappear
The bad in the world is hard to hear
When in your ear a banana cheers
So go and put a banana in your ear!
Tigress just watched Po skip and sing. "How are you not out of breath?" she asked.
Put a banana in your ear! Po continued to sing.
"I'd rather keep my ear clear."
You will never be happy
If you live your life in fear!
It's true, so true
When it's in the, skies are bright and clear
Oh every day of every year
The sun shines bright in this big, blue sphere
So go and put a banana in your ear!
Po finally sat down and looked at the "amulet." "Go forth magical amulet! Return to the banana king!" He then threw it in the air. However, it was clear that the rock was going to hit his head when it came down. Tigress noticed this and quickly caught it before it could hit him.
"Tigress! You're the Banana King!" Po exclaimed.
Tigress just looked at him. "What are you talking about?"
Po bowed. "All hail the Banana King!"
Tigress chuckled. "I'm NOT the Banana King!"
Just then, Viper came into the room. "Tigress, Po can go to sleep now." She stopped short when she saw Po bowing to Tigress.
"Don't ask." Tigress chuckled.
"Wow…" was all Po could say. His eyelids began to droop.
"You should probably get some more sleep." Tigress said, letting go of his hand.
"Ok…" Po groaned again. "My head really hurts."
"You can try putting a banana in your ear. It might help." Monkey joked. The last thing Po heard before he feel asleep was another smacking noise and Monkey cry out in pain.
The End
Whoever guesses what The Water Buffalo Song and The Song of the Cebu are from correctly gets a virtual cookie!