(prompt: make it drunk and make it angsty)
AN: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did I wouldn't have sucker punched the fandom with episode 10. That was a dick move.
xxxx
It wasn't like Hawkeye to ask for time off. He had to practically push her out of the office most nights, if he didn't give up and just leave before her (which was, realistically, most nights). But when she put in the request for 4 days leave, Mustang signed off on it. He knew the face she was making, she wasn't willing to talk and he would respect that. He was confused, though...something seemed off about her. She'd just nodded in thanks and he watched her back as she walked out, in the middle of the morning. Everything she did set off alarms.
The first day without her there was strange, and unpleasant. The second was worse. The rest of the team noticed her absence, and he just shrugged at their questioning looks. They knew as much as he did. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
And without his Lieutenant, he had his work cut out for him. He didn't realize exactly how much she got done every day until he had deadlines approaching and no Hawkeye to help him.
Mustang's eyes started to cross and he blinked, trying to focus. He should be home by now. Drinking. Sleeping. Doing literally anything else. The knock on the open door's frame made him jump, and Hughes laughed.
"Sorry, Roy. What are you doing here?" He leaned against the doorframe, eyeing his friend. If he was in the office past 5pm, something was strange.
"I could say the same to you. Shouldn't you be at home annoying your family instead of me?" He was in no mood and if Hughes started to gush about Elicia…
"It's Gracia's birthday soon, I want to get as much work out of the way as possible so I can take a few days off, go somewhere nice."
"Why is everyone leaving?" He grumbled. Without Hawkeye and without Hughes...when was the last time that had even happened? From Ishval, he felt like he saw them every day. Whether he liked it or not.
"Hmm? Who else?" Hughes moved inside, settling into Havoc's chair like it was his own.
"Hawkeye. She put in for leave out of nowhere and then just left."
"Well...that's news." He acquiesced. "Is she ok?" Maes Hughes stopped, looking up, his eyes ticking back and forth while he held up a hand, looking like he was counting something.
"Are you having a fit? I don't have time for this." At this rate Mustang was never going to get home.
"It's mostly speculation but, when we were in Ishval, when did we see her the first time?"
"August 8th." He said, without a second of hesitation. It was one of the worst days of his life.
"And when did we hear about the new cadet sharpshooter, the hawk's eye?" He was less sure of that. He hadn't made the connection somehow and they were in the middle of a war...so he didn't really care. New sniper. Less chance of dying. Great. That was about it.
"I don't know, probably a couple months before that?"
Hughes picked up the calendar on Havoc's desk. It was the end of May but, Mustang was too tired to figure out what Hughes was trying to tell him other than the current day.
"We all remember that first kill. She carries more guilt with her than anyone else we served with. But that's just my theory." Mustang's eyes widened. She had left to beat herself up over Ishval, and probably the secrets of flame alchemy too, for 4 days-and he just let her without question or concern. Mind racing, he put down his pen and gave up on working for the night.
"Want me to drive you over?" Mustang had planned to take a cab home, if he ever actually made it, so he nodded and followed Hughes to his car. It didn't take long, and Hughes dropped Mustang off in front of Hawkeye's building.
"Thanks. I just want to make sure she's ok." They'd all had the war flashbacks, nightmares, guilt...he hated to think of her going through the worst of it alone.
"See you in the morning, Roy. Let her know the Hughes clan is here if she needs us." Mustang nodded. She would be mad that anyone was worried about her in the first place.
He quickly, almost at a run, ascended the stairs to her second floor apartment and knocked on the door. Nothing.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye?" He knocked again, louder. Still nothing. No way she'd be asleep yet.
"Lieutenant!"
Silence. Not even Hayate, who greeted him at the door whenever the dog heard Mustang's voice. He glanced around, weighing the pros and cons of breaking in. She'd been too out of character for him to just leave without knowing she was alright. He had already left her to her own devices for two days and he couldn't go two more not knowing. He was going to incur some wrath, that was the only thing he was certain of. Hopefully she wouldn't shoot him, he'd happily settle for a black eye to know she was in one piece.
He bent down, falling back on old, mischievous ways and picked the lock to her front door. She was the one who'd taught him the trick so she could only be so mad.
"Don't shoot, it's just me." He walked inside, hands up. It immediately became clear she wasn't home.
Where the hell was she? Hawkeye left work, wasn't here...if Hayate wasn't around she'd gone somewhere more long term than a trip to the store. Mustang ran a hand through his hair, standing in the dark in her empty apartment. He had to find her.
xxxxxxx
"Hughes residence." Gracia's soft voice even smiled over the phone. He wasn't sure he'd ever encountered people as generally and consistently happy as the Hughes'.
"Gracia, where's Maes?" Mustang realized he must have sounded short and sharp and was starting to apologize when she cut him off. "I don't mean to-"
"Don't worry, I know. I'll go get him, he was just tucking in Elicia. I hope Riza's ok. Please, keep us in the loop."
His best friend was the worst gossip of all time...
"Roy, what's happening?" Hughes hadn't expected to hear from Mustang that night. He had been hoping Roy would stay over with her actually. But this was obviously not the time for his romantic scheming.
"She's not here." He'd paced through her apartment just to be sure before locking up. Nothing seemed to be out of place, the only evidence she was gone for any length of time was a missing Hayate.
The other end of the line was silent for a minute. "Did you consider she might have taken an actual vacation with her vacation days?" Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was by no means a boring woman, but she was pretty set in her ways. He understood; after her childhood and after the war, she took comfort in routine. Besides, she wouldn't leave out of nowhere if she was just taking a trip. But...
"Hughes, I know where she went but I need a day or two. Can you keep an eye on the team?" He could almost hear the other man thinking. It was clear he was still considering the chance that Mustang was overreacting. "Hughes I'll cover your work so it doesn't get in the way of your trip with Gracia."
Offering to do paperwork? Clearly, Mustang was worried out of his mind to even say such a thing.
Besides, Maes was much more observant than Roy and Riza. They didn't know they were in love but Hughes saw it from the first day on the battlefield. Yeah, of course Roy was worried about a fellow soldier and subordinate disappearing...but he was also just scared for Riza.
"If I'm one minute late to leave I won't be at your wedding." Mustang had no idea what he meant but he went along with it.
"I swear, I'll be back in two days at most."
"What do I tell them? And hilarious, you'll do my work, I'll give it to Falman along with overtime pay." He hadn't thought about the rest of his team, just that there was one last train that night and it was going to leave without him.
"Urgent business. Thanks again Maes; I owe you." He hung up the phone and rushed to the station, just making the final train. He settled in and leaned his head against the high back of the seat. He hadn't been there since Master Hawkeye's funeral but he was certain he could find his way to the family residence with his eyes closed. Which was good, since the train pulled into the nearest station around midnight and he had quite a walk ahead of him.
After what felt like years, (but, if memory served about a half hour), Mustang finally made his way up the long drive and knocked on the door. There was no answer but he could see a light on. He exhaled, a breath he'd been holding since he'd broken into her apartment. He wasn't sure where he was going to look next if she wasn't there.
She didn't come to the door after another knock and when he reached for the key that had used to reside on top of the doorframe it was gone. So he picked his second lock of the night and let himself in.
"Lieutenant?" The word sounded wrong bouncing off the dilapidated walls of the Hawkeye family home and he frowned. She had never been Lieutenant Hawkeye here. "Riza?" The name still rang out in the eerie silence but it felt more natural. For a brief moment he felt like a kid again, trying to find her in the depths of the rundown mansion while keeping an eye out for his master and her father. But a glance over his shoulder proved Berthold was still long gone.
"Why are you here." Her voice floated in from the living room, and he followed the sound. "Or better yet, how did you get in." She was sitting on the floor with her back against the couch, knees pulled up to her chest, facing straight ahead. He noticed two large holes in the wall that seemed to be the focus of her gaze. About the size of her two favourite handguns.
"I….let myself in."
"I took the spare key." She still wasn't looking anywhere but where he had to assume she'd thrown her weapons through the wall.
"Fine. Technically I broke in." He sat down next to her on the floor. There was a bottle of whiskey next to her, with maybe half left. There was an empty bottle and a long discarded glass on the table in front of her. Riza must have opened the first bottle as soon as she got into the house. Master Hawkeye was no stranger to liquor and he didn't doubt his teacher had left plenty behind. She took a swig and set it back down in one swift, unsteady motion.
"How did you even know to come out here?" Absolutely refusing to look at him. Her hair was down, creating a curtain so even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to see her face. Roy Mustang was the last person she'd wanted to see so of course he had to appear.
"I also...let...myself into your apartment. You weren't there, this was the only other place I could think of."
She turned from the wall to face him. Her eyes were red, filled to bursting with tears she was now trying to contain. It was obvious she'd gone without sleep and substituted that, and food, with alcohol. He knew from personal experience that that didn't work and certainly didn't keep the demons at bay. "You broke into both my houses?"
"You wouldn't come to the door." He reached over for the bottle and took a drink himself, setting it back down in the space between them.
"Because I don't want to see you."
"Riza, you know I understand, right? You didn't have to run...let alone hide from me."
"Do you know how many people I killed, Roy?" She looked at him, her eyes glazed over from lack of sleep, drink, and despair. Her tone, however, was razor sharp.
Actually, he didn't. "...No."
"Neither do I. I murdered so many people I lost track. And I wasn't like you or the other Alchemists. I wasn't clearing blocks in an instant. I ended lives one at a time." She choked a little. "Over and over. Sometimes I was protecting Hughes. Olivier. You. Sometimes I was following orders. But every time…." No. she refused to cry. "Every time I pulled the trigger, there was one less person in the world and I had to watch to make sure of it." He'd pondered the life of a sniper in the past but hadn't thought that part through. He had much more to atone for, but she was right. She had to make sure her targets were dead and the only time he saw his destruction was if he decided to take a trip to the med tent or the mass graves. In time one of them would probably be named after him.
"We all did things in the war. We can't take them back but we can become better people, people who'll make sure Ishval never happens again." She shook her head and took another drink. Her laugh was dark, something he wasn't sure he'd heard before.
"That's easy. There isn't any Ishval anymore. We made sure of that." She raised the bottle in a fake 'cheers' gesture.
He had planned to ask what brought this on but now that Riza was looking at him, he didn't need to. One of the reasons she didn't want him there...even if she kept him at arm's length he still knew her better than anyone.. Hughes had been spot on when it came to the reason.
"Yesterday.. your first kill of the war." Riza nodded.
"I realized I didn't know how many people I murdered, in cold blood. But I could see his eyes. The first one. I...I couldn't get him or the others out of my head. I couldn't take it. I needed to get away from the military." Riza gave him an up and down followed by a glare. Right. He needed to change. The stiff blue uniform seemed to piss her off and he didn't blame her.
In addition to leaving her hair down, she was wearing civilian clothes; the top of her tattoo visible above her t-shirt when she bent her head forward. No...it wasn't her shirt, it was his. It was one of the pieces he'd left behind, paired with a set of his shorts. She must have done exactly what he did-pick up and leave. No packing, no thinking. Just running like hell.
Even though the logical explanation was that she, unlike him, had packed all her clothes before moving out, he had to admit he liked how she looked in his things. It just seemed right, natural.
"I'll be back in a second." Roy was surprised to find his room exactly as he left it, a decade ago, with the exception of Riza's discarded uniform on the bed. He rooted through the drawer Riza had left open, finding another shirt along with a pair of pants. They were a little short, and if she wasn't so far gone she would have made fun of him.
When he came back to the living room, she'd let her head fall onto her knees, though it was obvious she knew he was there. "I just needed to pretend I was human, if only for a day or two. For some stupid reason I thought home would be nice. Turns out, not so much." She sat back up. "I'm sorry sir, I'll be back to normal after my leave."
He moved as close to her as he thought she would let him. "Riza...you were never not human."
She just shook her head.
"Look, if Ishval makes you inhuman, than I am too. Come on." He stood and held out his hand, grabbing the bottle with the other. Riza frowned. She was weak and was furious he'd shown up to witness it.
"Why are you here? I don't want to see you."
"Too late." He stood, waiting. She could tell him that all she wanted, he wasn't going anywhere. Riza sighed, almost falling on wobbling legs as she let him lead her outside. It was the dead of night, their only companions crickets and stars. There was a small corner of the back garden Berthold hadn't been able to see from his study. It had kind of turned into their place when he'd lived there. It was overgrown, the flowers long dead, but it still felt like the only part of the house that was home to either of them. Where they could just be themselves. Chat, read things that weren't alchemy texts, goof off. Pretending they weren't living under a roof that was caving in for no good reason. Pretending neither knew what it felt like to be cared for.
He was trying not to focus on her comment about the alchemists...he didn't know how much blood was on his hands either, after all. Much more than hers. He'd taken out blocks worth of victims exactly like Riza had said but he didn't have to practically look them in the eye doing it.
They passed the bottle back and forth, sitting in their old haven, lost in their own thoughts for a minute. "Do you remember when you first came here?" Riza said, out of nowhere. Roy nodded, looking over at her. She was focused on the grass in front of her, but a small smile played on her lips. "You were such an asshole." She swayed slightly in place, even sitting. He wondered if she would even remember any of this.
"I still am." She liked reminding him of that on a regular basis.
"But eventually you stopped being so high and mighty. You were the first friend I had." It was the same for him. He avoided pretty much everyone back home, but Riza was unavoidable, being just across the hall.
Roy took a long drink and nodded. "I probably would've lost my mind here without you to force me to take breaks and do chores for you. And plant the flowers back here."
"You acted like it was the end of the world when you got dirt under your nails."
"It was still some of the most fun I've had."
Riza took the bottle back from him. They were going through the whiskey quickly, but neither stopped.
"Where did it go wrong?" Was she crying? He couldn't tell. It sounded like it, her voice had a definite tremor. He regretted bringing her out to the garden; it was too dark and he could barely make out her face.
"Riza, we grew up. We made….complicated...choices. But I'm going to build the country to what it should be."
After another drink she crumbled. "I wish I could bring them back. I executed so many people for no reason. That's not complicated. That's evil. I'm evil."
Roy took the bottle back and put it down, wrapping his arm around her and she let her head fall against him.
"No, you're not. You're not inhuman, you're not evil. You're a soldier who followed orders. Terrible orders. I followed the same ones. We can never fix what we did but we can move forward. No one will be forced to do what we did in Ishval. I will make sure of that."
He pulled her a little closer, feeling his shirt dampen as she buried her face in his shoulder. He wished he could make her stop crying but with how much she had to drink and how deeply she was hurting, the only thing he could do was remind her of her humanity and comfort her as best he knew. Which wasn't much, but he hoped it was enough.
They sat like that for a long time. He was lost in memories of the time they'd spent together at the house, and she was just lost.
"I'm sorry, Roy." She mumbled. "I'm so sorry." She sounded like she was dozing off and her head pressed heavier against him. She started a sentence, only to yawn and burrow closer to him. Roy waited for a little, but she didn't make another move or sound.
"Riza?" No answer. She was passed out cold.
He picked her up, carrying her inside. Riza's amber eyes were closed but still surrounded by tears. He prayed to god that she wasn't always as broken as she seemed at that moment. If she was, Hawkeye was a damn good actress. Either way, he felt devastated, heartbroken even. He'd failed her when she needed him.
Her room was as intact as his own and he laid her down on her childhood bed. Hayate was sitting at the foot of it, waiting for his mistress. Roy had forgotten that of course she'd brought Black Hayate with her, but the dog knew she needed to be left alone. Roy glanced at him...he was smarter than the majority of humans he'd encountered.
Roy pulled a quilt up over her, making sure she was comfortable. He knew she hated having her feet covered so he moved it to leave them out and after a moment of hesitation, sure she was dead to the world, wiped the remaining tears off her cheeks.
"You're not evil. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, Riza Hawkeye. One day I'll make sure you see it too." After debating with himself for a moment, he pressed a light kiss to her forehead, something he'd wanted to do since the first time they'd slept in these rooms. Riza waited until he closed the door to open her eyes and let one more sob escape her lips.
He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, but he'd been awake for so long, and the day had been so exhausting, Roy passed out immediately without bothering to move the uniforms off his old bed.
…..Only to be woken by a loud, long scream. He flew out of bed and to Riza's room only to collide with her in the hall.
"What-" He started, half asleep but ready to fight whatever was coming his way.
She raced down the hall and Roy could hear her empty the contents of her stomach. The tap ran for a few minutes before he saw her again. He had been standing there, in the middle of the hall, dazed. Usually he woke up to his own screams. Waking up to Riza's was infinitely more upsetting.
"Sorry." She mumbled, wiping sweat off her brow as she approached him. They had maybe been asleep for an hour, two at most. It was still dark out. So much for rest.
"I'm well versed in both nightmares and drinking. Ready to go back to bed?" Riza nodded but instead of going to her room, she went to his.
"I'm going to stay with you if that's ok." She didn't wait for a reply and shoved the uniforms away and got under the covers, two steps Roy hadn't gotten to previously.
He was the only solace she'd been able to find, even before Ishval, and she didn't care in the least that he was her superior officer. Right then, they were just two teenagers, one of whom had too much to drink and the other wanting nothing more than to take care of her. He laid down next to Riza at a respectable distance, though close enough for each to feel the others presence. She fell asleep almost immediately, but not before pulling the sheets away and throwing them around Roy in a drunken attempt to cover him. He folded his arms behind his head, the only way to keep himself from holding her. He slept that way, dreaming of when they were young and things weren't so fucked up.
Every May 19th, for the rest of their lives, Roy and Riza went back to the Hawkeye estate. They would never be free from the war but taking a day to mourn made it a little more bearable.