Moonstruck Dumb
AN: Thanks to Alice Shade for beta-reading.
Only a few minutes after the flying saucers landed on the grass of the commons area shortly after the seniors had finished their lunch period, the US military surrounded Lawndale High. Not that it mattered much as the invisible force field, for want of a better term, with which the presumed to be aliens had surrounded the school kept said aliens, teachers, administrative staff, hapless visitors, and students in while keeping the military, press, assorted cranks, pizza delivery drivers, and any interested parents out.
The colonel in charge of the containment of whom an anxiously waiting Jake Morgendorffer voiced the opinion to wife Helen that he looked a lot like an offspring of Corporal Ellenbogen with a promotion commanded a small cannon to discharge a single round on the force field. The result was a flat, liquidly-sounding thump as the shell hit the field embedding without detonation. The shell, stuck up at an angle, added to the scene like a blackhead gracing a teenage cheek. The attendant parents breathed a sigh of relief then shouts of anger once they realized that the colonel had ordered his contingent to fire on the school containing their offspring without said offspring or aliens, if such they were, evidencing any threat to the colonel and his contingent.
Meanwhile inside Lawndale High...
In concession to the momentousness of the event, Daria Morgendorffer and her best friend Jane Lane were sitting in the middle of the middle of the bleachers in Lawndale High's largest gymnasium, not having taken their accustomed spots at any and all previous assembly periods: as far away from the proceedings as possible. They were waiting for the appearance of the aliens, if such they were, at an assembly which the invaders, if such they were, had commanded through a breathless announcement by Principal Li. Unlike many an other previous assembly the girls had not attempted to sneak out an un-alarmed door.
"Why couldn't they have come before lunch's creamed perch deep dish surprise?" Daria lamented to her friend Jane as they both discreetly suppressed a belch. "I bet the aliens would share their food out of a pity for fellow denizens of the universe."
Expecting and not getting the expected smart-aleck response from her best friend, Daria turned to Jane fearing the deep dish surprise to have gotten the better of Jane and hoping she could remember a modicum of first-aid knowledge to bring her pal back to full health and snark. Her own eyes widened in some alarm as she saw Jane's eyes glowing with delight and anticipation and Jane's lips playing through the wide repertoire of smirks which the duo had perfected over the course of their acquaintance.
"Soon, yes very soon." Jane said breathlessly adding a kitten-pink tongue licking of her red-painted lips to the smirking.
"Lane?" Daria stirred uneasily and considered how to snap her friend out of her apparent trance. The ultra-large cup of iced Ultra Cola in her hand and the possible effect of it splashing upon Jane's face came to mind before her attention was captured by a Medieval-sounding horn fanfare and some commotion at the far end of the gym.
A quartet of players in red and blue tabards and hose sounding the fanfare marched into the gym blowing long, curved horns and preceding a score of men and women marching in ranks. These, no doubt, were the aliens, if such they were. Principal Li trailed them, ignored and this is the last mention we need make of said functionary.
Oohs and ahhs sounding from students drew Daria and Jane's attention away from the pageantry on the floor. The Fashion Clubbies sitting a row or two below and to Daria's left were the source of the admiring cooing.
"If they decree that all must wear such timelessly fashionable clothes then I support the invasion. We must sue for a position in their occupational, provisional government." Sandi Griffin, Fashion Club leader, permanent opined to the immediate enthusiastic and vocal agreement of her minions: Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacy Rowe and the suddenly, uncharacteristically alert Tiffany Blum-Deckler.
Daria scrutinized the aliens, if such they were for indeed they appeared to be ordinary men and women now standing in massed rank and file as the horn players continued to sound before the attentive students. Even Daria, however, could tell the aliens, if such they were, arrayed themselves in excellent business suits, both the men and women.
The players ended with a flourish and brought their horns to their sides with a snap. The two center players stepped forward and simultaneously announced in booming voices, "People of Earth and students of Lawndale High School: we the people of the Moon hereby claim our rightful place as rulers of the inhabitable and uninhabitable spheres, semi-spheres and irregularly shaped objects of this our Solar System."
Before the assembled students, staff and hapless visitors could put up a hubbub the horns were again brought to lip and blasted a fanfare. An alien, if such he were, tallest and arguably the best dressed stepped forward at the fanfare's conclusion.
He unfurled a parchment scroll read without preamble, "People of Earth and students of Lawndale High in preparation for this event we have bestowed upon you unbeknownst to you and her alike the residence of our Queen so that she may learn your ways and lead you into service of the great Lunar Empire. I present to you our ruler, the Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler."
All eyes snapped forward, back, right, left to search out and regard Tiffany who stood as if expecting the proceedings and stepped past her astonished Fashion Club cohorts to make her way to the floor. She stood tall and straight in her mauve minidress as the aliens made low obeisance to their alien queen, if such she were.
"Well, being a Moonie explains some things," Daria said dryly as she turned to her compadre.
Her chum was sitting stunned and despondent as if she were expecting a wondrous present on Christmas Day only to find a bag of lumpy coal and hickory if not electrical switches under her tree.
"Jane? Jane, what?" Daria asked at a loss what to do. "Here, suck down some Ultra-Cola. You need it more than me. Big gulps now."
Jane shook her head and bit back an answer. Then she tried to articulate, "Just that I thought...I was expecting...I always believed I was… Oh, never mind. Hey, amiga, do you think the court of the loony queen needs a court painter?"
"Maybe." Jane's best buddy eyed her. "But I do know they only have to look at Quinn for the Court Jester. And Sandi for Minister of Fraud and Corruption, hmm, Stacy for Secretary of Transportation. No, wait, even more horrendous, my sister and cohorts will be the FASHION POLICE."
Daria was aware that for her she was babbling, a habit she was reluctant to admit she shared with Quinn when either was nervous. Daria had been one of the first to see the flying saucers land gracefully on the lawn gazing as she was out a library window. She had resisted two simultaneous urges, one to hide in the stacks, and the second to run outside to the saucers and demand to talk to her real Mommy and Daddy. Instead, she did the sensible thing: she got herself an iced Ultra-Cola and sought out her friend even as the school descended into bedlam.
A puff of wind on her face and the excited murmurings of her fellow students snapped Daria out of her reverie. A round pavilion had appeared on the gym floor. Four black pennants with silver depictions of phases of the Moon flapped in a breeze that the students did not feel.
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler was whisked into the pavilion by four of the alien women ladies-in-waiting, only to reappear in what seemed like an impossibly short time, the Queen dressed in a long gown of a brighter purple than her mauve mini, a tall pointed cap with hanging veil of the same hue gracing her raven-tressed head.
Events were progressing curiouser and curiouser as a golden, gently glowing quarter moon shaped object larger than an adult alien, if such they were, or human floated out of the pavilion and took up a spot hanging delicately in mid air behind the Queen, looking like a cheap prop backed by good special effects. Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat down on the object as if it were her throne which Daria had a feeling it was.
The annoying fanfare players appeared to be taking a break authorized by their union as the head Armani power-suit clad alien, if such he were, made another proclamation without fanfare.
"And now our illustrious Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler will choose her consort among the students of Lawndale High."
The boys who knew what 'consort' meant wondered if they should sit up straighter and be more noticeable or slouch in hopes of being passed over. Their girlfriends who knew what 'consort' meant wondered the same. The two groups were not matched one-to-one. The rest of the students were fumbling for their pocket dictionaries.
The Queen was presented with a large open black box from which she withdrew and held to her eye a black telescope of a length fully half her height. Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler scanned the crowd slowly, thoroughly sweeping the telescope over row upon row of the bleachered students. As the scanning crept up to her spot, Daria felt a stirring in her mind, a preparation she was barely aware of. She felt the telescope's attention waft over her not unlike a pleasant summer breeze.
The Queen calmly dropped the telescope from her eye and then switched the ends now staring through the larger end like a child experimenting with the optical device. Daria got a creepy feeling from this enough to stifle any snark she may have otherwise voiced. Once again the scanning swept over the audience and once again felt the telescope's attention slip over her not unlike a pleasant summer breeze. This time it paused as it passed over her and she cringed.
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler put the optical instrument in its case and accepted an object softly sparkling with gems, a crown Daria surmised. Without a word the throne arose and floated towards her. She shrunk in her seat even as she was aware that Jane was sitting up. Daria started in shock as she realized the vehicle was pausing not in front of her but Jane.
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler dismounted and stood on the thin air slightly above Jane.
"My one true love." The Queen drawled lovingly.
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler smiled down at her choice and held the bejeweled object out at Jane. This close Daria could now see, comfortable-looking and bejeweled though it was, it was not a crown, it was a collar.
"Eap, Jane, that's a collar."
Jane said nothing but brushed her thick black hair back and stood straighter her cobalt blue eyes locked on Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler's canted brown orbs.
"Wait." Jane had a pause-giving thought. "Do you have pizza on the Moon?"
"Made with real green cheese." Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler answered in slow measured cadence and then kissed her consort's hand.
"Sounds yummy." Jane said as she extended her long, beautiful pillar of a neck to let Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler affix the collar signifying her as the Queen's choice and consort.
Daria felt her eyes bugging out as Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler kissed Jane. Jane stood on tiptoe and bent one knee in obvious great pleasure.
"Jane, what the hell? You're gay now?" Daria got out as Jane and Tiffany—for Daria could only think of her as such—mounted the quarter-moon throne.
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat behind Jane and held her arms lovingly, protectively around her prize.
"Never had much luck with the guys so what the hell, give it a shot." Jane said as she snuggled herself against Tiffany Blum-Deckler. "And you know, I've had my eye on this one for a long time." Jane arched her neck back to kiss and be kissed.
"Look Daria, I'm a Queen." Jane called delightedly. "I guess that makes Trent, Duke Trent. Hey, you'd better snag him, then you'd be Dukette Daria."
"Duchess, I'd be Duchess Dar...I mean, it's duchess." Daria called helpfully and helplessly as the vehicle floated down to the gym floor. "And Prince," she added as an afterthought. "I think it would be Prince Trent."
Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler and her ladies-in-waiting swept a beaming, happy Jane into the pavilion. Daria was afraid of what might emerge but Jane exited moments later in a tasteful long red gown, collar gems glittering and now a genuine elegant understated crown on her full black hair.
Daria jumped as the fanfare blared and the alien herald in Armani announced, "Presenting to their loyal subjects the Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler and her wife and co-monarch the Queen Jane Miranda Lane Blum-Deckler."
The two queens beamed up at their subjects, loyal or not as yet unproven, and began the parade waves Daria had seen practiced by members of the British Royal Family, who if the superiority of alien technology were proven by flying saucers and impregnable force fields were now vassals of the Lunar Empire.
The Queens Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Jane Miranda Lane Blum-Deckler turned to each other and kissed demurely. The loyal subjects of Lawndale High by now caught on that they should give some symbol of obeisance to keep on the good side of those who apparently could keep them hostage and were their new overlords and masters and Queens. The students began cheering with much apparent sincerity although some of the boys put in calls of "Makeout! Makeout! Girls makeout!"
The herald in Armani held up his hands and the crowd had the good sense to quiet.
"The Queens Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Jane Miranda Lane Blum-Deckler will now make the first proclamation of their joint reign."
"NOT SO FAST, LUNARIAN!" A high nasally voice blasted out from another door of the gym. All eyes turned to discover that one of the pizza delivery guys had managed to infiltrate the force field. Artie strode in discarding his Pizza Prince cap and apron and slipping a red velvet smoking jacket over his scrawny frame. He quickly tied a purple cravat around his pencil neck as he approached the astounded Moonie Royal Party.
"Pepperoni, pepperoni," Daria called. "Jane's kingdom for a pepperoni pie." No one paid her any mind.
Other gym doors opened and following the elegantly arrayed Artie there poured onto the gym floor a score of men in red velvet smoking jackets and various colored cravats. They produced from their besomed pockets objects which were obviously weapons even as much as they looked like multi-colored space-age, jet-age cocktail glasses. Artie waited until he was backed up by this small force brandishing their guns before he spoke again.
"People of Earth and the Moon, I, Artie Cavendish, hereby reassert the rule of Venus and her occupants over this solar system. To cement our rule we too have hidden our own ruler among the students of Lawndale High. He has come into knowledge of his birthright and will now come forward."
"UPCHUCK!" A combined gasp went up from the assembled students plus a gasp of horrified expectation from the female students as a grinning Charles Ruttheimer III stood and made his way down to the floor. The theme from Peter Gunn began playing from somewhere
He was immediately draped in a purple velvet smoking jacket and cranberry cravat. An ornate throne appeared in a puff of smoke upon which Charles sat as if he had been assuming a regal tone his whole life. A man wearing white clerical robes and topped by a tall hat which looked like a pile of pancakes plopped a high crown more becoming royalty than the Lunarians' understated versions on his head. A long ornate scepter was placed in Charles' hands. He beamed at his supposed subjects: assembled students and the stunned Lunarians. Daria noticed Jane standing as astonished as anyone and Tiffany looking on with aplomb.
"Oh great, Lawndale's answer to a poor man's Hugh Hefner is now our benign ruler." Daria said out loud before remembering her friend was not beside her to snark back.
Artie made another announcement and the agnostic Daria thanked something that the Venusians apparently believed in less fanfare than the Lunettes.
"And now, our King: Charles Ruttheimer the Third the First will choose his royal consort."
King Upchuck turned to the cleric at his elbow and whispered something. Daria had been practicing her lip-reading skills and shivered as she thought the cleric answered, "No milord, you may have only one consort."
Girls trembled and shrank in their seats as King Charles scanned the crowd. More than a few boys trembled and cowered in their seats as they recalled the same-sex precedence set by the Lunar Queens.
"I abdicate," a haughty voice sounded. Everyone turned to see who was declining the great honor of being King Charles Ruttheimer the Third the First's consort. Sandi Griffin was standing up to make another announcement. "I hereby make a like unequivocal Shermanesque statement: so like then, 'I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected.'"
Daria goggled at Sandi unsure if she were more amazed at Sandi's sudden erudition and elocution or Sandi turning down the honor of being Queen of the Solar System. Mr. DeMartino was beaming with pride and not a little incredulity at Sandi's speech.
"My dear flower of Lawndale," Upchuck's oily voice began with an added regal, imperial tone. "You are truly an immeasurable beauty and as such should not be burdened with the duties of royalty. I have another consort in mind, equal in beauty and worthy of sitting on my lap, I mean the Venusian Throne: Queen Anastasia Constance Rowe."
Sandi Griffin lapsed down in despair as her former functionary Stacy Rowe strode proudly down the gym floor and indeed sat down delicately on King Charles Ruttheimer the Third the First's lap. A crown was placed on her head and a scepter of her own in her hands.
Artie spoke up again, "And now your King and Queen shall make their first declarations."
As King Charles Ruttheimer the Third the First's mouth opened a fanfare blew long and stridently from the Lunarian section of the gym floor.
"Not so fast," the alien herald in Armani, if such he was increasingly looking to be, said.
Daria began looking for escape routes and finding precious few as the Lunarians suddenly drew from their Armani pockets short rods of various colored glass and brandished the same at the Venusians who responded by aiming their jet-age, space age weapons. Daria thought Tiffany and Jane were fighting until she realized that they were trying to stand one in front of the other in an effort to protect the other. Tiffany said something to Jane who nodded and immediately stood behind her Queen.
The Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler raised her hands palms out, a soft mauve glow enveloping her hands and clearly aimed with malice aforethought at the Venusians. The situation looked tense and many students finally did the sensible thing and fainted. Daria continued to look for escape routes even as she also considered how to grab her friend and Daria almost gasped as she realized she would grab Jane's girlfriend? Queen? wife? and attempt to whisk them all to safety.
"This is no time to get sentimental and loyal and choose sides, Morgendorffer. Wait and see who's the top dog. Still, Tiffany looks ready for anything."
The mauve glow surrounding Tiffany's hands, however, made her consider that she should perhaps seek protection behind the Queen with Jane.
"NOT SO FAST! NOT SO FAST! YOU, UH, FAST PEOPLE, YOU." Daria instantly recognized the high voice sounding the command even as a bright flash stunned everyone in the gymnasium.
"Quinn!?" Daria looked down at her kid sister who was now standing with left hand raised. Weird orange light played around her kid sister from the fireball flickering and curling around Quinn's hand.
Quinn herself appeared a bit uneasy but she gathered her wits and said, "I, Queen Quinn, hereby reclaim the Earth, The Moon, Venus and all other, uh, dealies in the Solar System as part of the Great Zippotronian Empire."
She punctuated this announcement with a couple fireballs shooting into the air off her hand, an event which appeared to startle Queen Quinn as much as her audience.
"I knew it, Quinn, at last you've found a way to take over the Fashion Club. If you wanted to be President so badly you had but to ask. You can have it now before you like burn me up or something."
"Oh, Sandi," Queen Quinn placated her friend. "I may be Queen of the Solar System but the Fashion Club can have only one president and leader and that's you, of course. You shall have your rightful seat in my council chambers and with your help we will bring popularity and good fashion sense to all my subjects."
Daria meanwhile was processing the results of a veil which had dropped from her mind.
"It's true. I'm a Zippotronian. Wait, but me and Queenie Spring Pastels are human too. Queen Quinn? Ugh, that means I'm, no, it can't be but, I am, I'm Princess Daria."
Daria was coming to grips with the horror when something happened which caused another sizable portion of the audience to faint: one whole wall disappeared and in marched what could only be Queen Quinn's backup: scores of men and women in camo gear carrying weapons that looked a good deal more serious than the cartoonish Venusian pistols and the understated Lunarian wands. And in the middle of the group which was now making the gym floor rather crowded were Daria and Quinn's mother and father. Daria noted with interest that the troops, her troops in some sense she supposed, shared her taste in high-quality footwear.
The Zippotronians came to rest in ranks. Helen Morgendorffer nodded and a few broke rank to collect weapons from the unresisting forces which had looked to ready to begin deadly combat just a few minutes past. Queen Yueliang Selena Tungol Lunati Mona Tsagaan Sar Tiffany Blum-Deckler had dropped her hands now not encased in mauve flame.
Helen Morgendorffer waited until all were disarmed. After she pointed at the pavilion another trooper pointed her weapon at it and it disappeared in a whoosh of air rushing to occupy the space.
"I am Helen Morgendorffer, Queen Mother and Supreme Commander of Her Majesty's Zippotronian forces."
"And I'm Jake, the Queen Father." Jake Morgendorffer chimed in loudly. Jake waved; Daria face palmed.
"Jake, why don't you fill the Princess Daria in while I talk to Empress Quinn and the royalty of Luna and Venus?" the Queen Mother said.
Quinn's male fan club—more than half the male students at Lawndale High—at last found their voice and were chanting "Queen Quinn. Queen Quinn." as she made her way to the floor, waving with faux modesty, to consult with her mother.
PRINCESS DARIA PRINCESS DARIA PRINCESS DARIA PRINCESS DARIA PRINCESS DARIA
Daria observed her kid sister humbly receiving homage from her subjects and graciously granting boons as if she had lived as Queen for her entire life.
"It's not fair. Quinn gets everything and all she did was throw a couple solar fireballs, declare herself Queen of the Zippotronian Empire and get a small army with advanced weaponry at her back. Now why do I feel like yelling, stamping my feet, lying on the floor and kicking my legs in a tantrum? Not that anyone would notice."
Her breath caught as she took in the Queens Tiffany and Jane Miranda Lane Blum-Deckler holding hands and talking quietly to each other. A few moments previous they had been Queens of the Solar System and now reduced to vassals but did not seem to care about anything except looking into each other's eyes. Upchuck was grinning and scraping as he talked to the Queen Mother but Daria thought he was more interested in the girl-next-door brunette at his side. Daria screwed down some sudden feelings of something like envy and shrugged.
She was the only person left sitting on the bleachers as every other occupant of Lawndale High had hurried to get in line to offer obeisance to Queen Quinn. She had a feeling she was happily exempt from the groveling, hopefully being the Queen's older sister had some small privilege.
She slipped down a side aisle and found her father in much the same situation as herself. Queen Mother Helen was talking to the Lunarian and Venusian royalty or Tiffany, Jane, Upchuck and Stacy as Daria preferred to think of them; Queen Quinn was graciously receiving a long line of sycophants; the Zippotronian military was watching the Lunarians and Venusians with practiced eyes, said Lunarians and Venusians were doing their best to appear calm and non-threatening. Daria and Jake Morgendorffer were clearly the odd ones out, not that anyone was really paying attention to them.
Daria blushed then as she saw that some soldiers, male and female, were giving her polite, but close and more than curious glances.
"Eap. They're checking me out. You know, reviewing the troops is always a royal prerogative. No, no, I will not turn into Catherine the Great. Hm, maybe I should have Prince Trent fetched hither."
Jake brightened as Daria approached him as he wandered around the crowded gym occasionally making a comment to a Zippotronian soldier.
"Hi Kiddo! Or I should say, 'Princess Daria'?" He beamed with a pride which was enough to squelch the cringe and face palm Daria felt coming.
"Yeah, Dad, uh, that brings up a point I want to ask. So I'm the older sister, first born and all that but Quinn's the Queen. How's that work? I mean if I were Queen my first royal decree would be to start a revolution against myself, but still. And what's with being a Zippotronian anyway? I mean, at least now I know for sure that I'm an alien but why keep it from us?"
"Daria, the Zippotronians play a pretty deep game. Your mother and I had forgotten until just now too. As for Quinn the Queen, well, that's just Zippotronian royal inheritance laws. Second daughter gets the goodies."
Jake's eyes sparkled and he sucked a deep breath. "But being the elder sister does have a few traditional perks."
Daria instinctively leaned in as he got quieter and more confidential. "Eldest princess is in charge of graft, corruption, and fraud, in other words taxation, assorted revenues, and expenditures."
"You mean I'm the power behind the throne?" Daria caught on instantly and Jake winked and smirked happily.
"You know, Dad, I may need an adviser to help, uh, balance the books for the greater glory of the Zippotronian Empire, of course."
"All right! Morgendorffer Consulting rides again! My first task as your official consultant is to teach you the beautiful Zippotronian language and we can start with the very special, exclusive word with which our subjects will now address you in your capacity as minister of moola: for our people you are now 'Cousin Daria'."
AN: This was inspired by an alter-ego of Tiffany looking through a telescope while sitting on a quarter moon and wearing a purple gown.
THE END