The red color was lovely. Flowing so gently. A soothing, bending stream. Licking slowly down in the most loving way. I felt so much better. I needed this. I looked forward to this. It was so simple compared to everything else. No one else was here to judge me. No one to speak about me like I wasn't there. No conversations no one even tried to prevent me from hearing. Just a calming motion and soothing breathing with just the slightest hitch. I felt alive. More alive than I had felt in so long. Why hadn't I thought of this before? So simple. The color red.
The color red and a nice shiny blade. A shiny new blade now bathed in the color of love and lust. Red was a beautiful color. Gorgeous, but only when it was fresh and flowing. After word it turned into an ugly brown. Crimson words overflowing on ivory flesh making them pop. So beautiful. I bit my lip at the next cut as adrenaline coursed through me in the signal that was being transferred from my skin to my brain within a fraction of a second. So fast. The next section to the truth becoming apart of me. The next part of the next letter of the next word to spell out the truth of who I was.
Evil. Cruel. Pervert. Abomination. Disgusting. Ugly. Worthless. Monster.
I had easily run out of space so I had to retrace them. I'd switch off from one arm to the other each time I felt the need. The need seemed to be occurring more and more often. One arm held one set of words and the other the rest of them. I had to write on both of them one day. I knew it was a risk, but it gave me back my emotions. It let me feel Something. I shuddered and removed the blade as to not ruin the perfect truth I had made with my steady, trained hand, but it was quickly set back on to continue it's progress.
I hardly needed my coffee anymore. This woke me up plenty. A nice adrenaline rush. Being the only real doctor with an actual degree got quite tiring. All the paperwork and no one seemed to care how exhausted I was. No one cared that I slept here in my chair in my office most of the time or how I had made it a habit of forgetting to eat. No one cared to learn to heal. Those medicine men and women knew nothing of doctoring or science. They could only handle cuts and bruises and minor illness. I tried to teach them, but they just wouldn't take advice from a monster like me. Well if they wanted a monster I'd just have to give them one, one of these days.
"Mmmm…"
I drew in a breath through my nose and let it out as a sigh. I felt calmer already. In control. I could do this. I could put my mask back on for a while longer. If I could just finish these last few letters. Just a few more. Just a few more and I would have control again. I'd be ok. S. I licked at the sweat that had taken form under my nose. T. I shuddered again if ever so slightly. E. One more. I drew in another breath. Rrrrr.
I set the stained blade on the desk. My head fell back as I relished in the signals that stung and burned. The ones that reminded me that I was Alive. I let the blood run as I reached into the drawer to my left through muscle memory and pulled out the small medical kit.
I was in control.