...
The summer is a tame fireball. The sun makes everybody sweat but they're happy to sweat because the generous ocean breeze licks away the heat.
All the passengers in the ferry parted from the concrete docks in rocky waves. Natives and foreigners alike poured out into the island, a murmur of awed and excited voices blending together, vibrating all around. The breeze of the sea and the chattering crowd washed over Sara like a comforting caress.
She turned towards Tegan who was pushed close to her side by the crowd, their shoulders brushing together. Their eyes caught, both smiling when they noticed the other. Tegan's grin was dazzling as she glowed under the the white sun and blue sky.
They had gone to different countries before. It was not the spark of wanderlust that fueled their eagerness, but the fact that, for the first time in a long time, they were to be alone. No touring, no gigs, no anything, just them. When they made the plans, first as 'what ifs', then suggestions, and finally Sara's proposal for a small sister vacation, Tegan could compare the feeling to back when Sara had asked to write songs together. Sara was excited too, for a long time she has been longing to take her sister on a trip where the only people they have to worry about were themselves and each other. The fact that they can do this was like a reaffirmation that their relationship was strong and even growing as the years passed. So strange to think about how they had grown past all the tear in their relationship.
It was only recently Sara had caught herself taking long looks at Tegan, finding that the more she grew into herself, the older she became, the less she looked at Sara. The tension that used to surround them in these quiet moments was no longer present. Sara didn't feel as grateful for that as she should have been. No matter how peaceful being with Tegan was these days, there seemed to be something missing.
"Are you staring at me?"
Tegan meets Sara's eyes as they walk shoulder to shoulder through the crowd into the entrance of Fira. Tourist traps and gaudy signs greeting them with the beautiful city laid out beyond.
"Yeah, you got a little something right here." Sara reaches over to pick at Tegan's hair, brushing away the lint that's not there. Really, it's just a deflection, a reason to touch her.
An amused grin blooms on Tegan's face as they both look on ahead.
You could look out and see the whole island before you, stretching out like a crimson moon, the villages, and towns covering it like a blanket.
The city slopes down the steep cliffs of the island, sliding into the wharf and sea and reaching for the cloudless sky. They walked the crowded streets of Fira up to Firostefani, the quiet cap of the island. It was a quiet town full of sights that went through the day leisurely and winded down slowly at night. Rowdy Fira and sleepy Firostefani.
They headed upwards on cobblestone paths and stone roads with the shining ocean on their left which held black volcanic structures and cliffs that edged away from the island, and on the right were the white-washed houses which were remnants of caves, reshaped and modernized. All sorts of tourists walked to and from the path. It seemed people from all over the world were there.
The hotel, not the most private of places but comfortably luxurious is a bright white villa with an outdoor pool and bar. It sits in a nook where the stone-steps descend into different suits with palm trees decorating the sides of the paths. Sara didn't even realize palm trees grew in Greece, but apparently, they grew there. It overlooks the ocean below, a breathtaking view of the rest of town with Fira in the distance with the island's light green hills and cliffs in the distance. Sara is immediately charmed by the place and can tell Tegan is too.
Their suite is near the edge of the villa, all the way down the stairway path. Though they have close neighbors, the place feels like their own, like a home that had been waiting for them. It's a smaller furnished suite with nature and sun laying against the windows and decorated with modern yet cozy furnishings. Sara finds herself fascinated by the white walls and their imperfect shapes.
There were two beds in the master bedroom, both lying on both sides of the glass-window door. Tegan claims the right side of the room as she always does and they set their suitcases aside before Sara announces that she's going to take a shower.
Tegan falls onto the modest sized mattress, testing the springs and feeling the silken texture of the white blankets. "Yeah, that's fine. I guess I'll unpack while I wait."
"Before we do anything I just really need to purify my body of the plane ride and ferry and taxi and walk. God, it's been a long two days," Sara says while rifling through her suitcase, preparing fresh clothes and digging out a shower kit.
"What are you doing?" Tegan asks when she notices Sara take out her phone, becoming focused on the screen.
"Downloading this app before I forget."
Tegan walked over, leaning over her shoulder, scoffing when saw the screen. Sara's ear tinged hot when she felt her hover.
"You know I learned Greek right?"
"You learned like two things and I'm not even confident you can remember them." Sara gulps down her feelings and plays the role of the exasperated sister.
"Not true. And I know you're gonna ask me to prove it but I don't have to prove shit."
"Well, I'm downloading this translator as backup just in case your knowledge in the Greek language fails us. Besides," Sara says, setting her phone down, "Like half the population speaks some English supposedly."
"Well do what you have to do I guess but you're going to feel pretty silly when I speak some Greek and make everyone fall in love with me."
"I'm sure." But she lets herself smile.
Tegan still lingers close, and she has to pretend not to notice or care.
"Hey," Tegan pulls Sara's attention towards her.
When she has Sara looking at her expectantly in her way, precious affection trickles down Tegan's chest. "Your hair looks really nice."
Sara's hair once longer, was now similar to Tegan's own, only more wispy and straight. Sara liked to comb it to the side. She had cut it knowing it would be easier in the summer heat, especially the Greece summer heat. Tegan thought it was cute. Secretly she thought it was cute because they were matching in a way. The parts of Sara that mirrored herself were precious to her.
Sara was taken aback by the sudden compliment but took the kind words without fuss. "Thanks," She says, her eyes squinting in slight suspicion, running her fingers through the freshly chopped hair.
Tegan merely shrugged, her attention dropping to her suitcase. She began unpacking because if she didn't do anything to distract herself she would have just stared at Sara's short hair, at her content smile, at her rosy cheeks. Their vacation was hardly beginning and Tegan was too wound up, too happy. She wanted to say 'I'm really glad we're doing this' but it felt too early, maybe too sentimental or sappy. But she thought it and it was true.
Sara headed to the bathroom which was in the hall, leaving Tegan alone with fresh nerves. Her stomach wouldn't quit it's flipping of anticipation. She felt it on and off since she had set foot in the Athens airport and boarded the ferry. She couldn't stop thinking about how this little vacation was going to turn out, how she and Sara were going to simply spend time together.
There was the sneaking fright that being alone together without any buffers such as band-mates, family or girlfriends was going to allow a strain if they were to get into any arguments or fights. Worst, Tegan had a fear that maybe Sara would grow bored with spending time with her, but she had to shake away those negative thoughts. They were easy to rid of when she was looking forward to the trip more than she was dreading it.
Sara was following a similar train of thoughts as steam filled the bathroom and the shower heated up. She was prepared for things to get rocky as that seemed unavoidable when it came to Tegan and herself, but she was optimistic. This was going to be a peaceful little trip. She and Tegan were going to soak in the summer sun, visit some of the best wineries in Greece, and just take a deep breath. It could be so hectic in their normal lives, she just needed a rest and was glad Tegan would be by her side to rest with her.
The pressure of the shower was just right, the heat melting away the strain of the journey. By the time she was clean and refreshed out of the shower, she felt like she was ready to take on whatever the day had left to offer. She changed into some fresh clothes, put a comb through her hair to part it to the side neatly, and threw a towel around her neck before rejoining her sister in the bedroom.
Tegan had clearly unpacked from the empty suitcase thrown to the floor, but she was wiped out, sleeping soundly on her bed. She lay above the covers, her hands folded over her stomach as she breathed softly. Maybe Sara had enjoyed the hot water for too long.
It wasn't a surprise that she fell asleep since they had quite the trip, but Tegan had been wound up all day, not being able to hide her hyperness very well so maybe Sara was a little disappointed that she had fallen asleep when the day was still as good as fresh. She knew she could have woken her, but she deserved the sleep and Sara would let her.
It had been a while since the two had shared a hotel room, a while since Sara had seen Tegan's sleeping face. Soft eyelids devoid of worry as she slumbered, a mouth that was partially open, quivering every now and then.
Sara kneeled by Tegan's bed, careful not to hover so her still damp hair would not drip onto her sleeping sister. She observed Tegan, trying to memorize how peaceful she looked. In the spur of the moment, she reached out to move a few strands of fluffy hair away from her forehead, pointless since they fell back in place. Her pointer finger hovered over all her different features, careful not to actually touch the skin there.
Despite the delicate handling, Tegan still stirred and before Sara could do anything, warm brown eyes blinked open. She was confused in her groggy state of awakening, a perfect time for Sara sneak away, but she stayed put, merely letting her hands fall to her lap. Tegan noticed her, how she was close and before she could say anything, Sara spoke up.
"Sleepy?" She asked.
"Maybe a little." Tegan watched her sister, watched the water still dripping over her temples in little buds. "What are you doing?" She asked, not so much with accusation, but with amusement. Like she had caught Sara doing something out of the ordinary.
"I just got out of the shower and you were passed out so I was wondering whether to wake you or not."
"Well I'm up now," Tegan said around a yawn.
Sara raised a brow. "Oh really?"
"I'm up," Tegan groaned, sitting up until Sara took hold her shoulder.
"You have bags under your eyes."
"I just woke up, that's why. Come on let's go do stuff."
"Hey," Sara cooed softly. "If you're tired just sleep. It's okay to have a little nap."
"I just don't want to waste any time," Tegan pouted.
"Just a little nap, and straight to dinner. I don't want you burning out or anything. I'll even take one too."
Tegan still seemed unsure and was clearly fighting a great mental battle, whether to get a little more rest or not waste the little daylight left. Sara decided to make the decision for her and crawled into the other side of the bed, surprising Tegan into silence.
"Move to your side," Sara instructed.
"Uh," She did as she was told. "Okay," She murmured softly, keeping still as Sara pressed herself to Tegan's back, wrapping her arms around her waist so she could hold her in a spoon.
"Cozy?" Sara asked, knowing she already had Tegan.
Tegan nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Carefully, she set her own arms over Sara's to hold them.
"I'll wake you up in time for dinner okay? You're not going to miss anything."
Tegan relaxed in her arms. "Okay," She relented and Sara could already feel her breath even out in slow sleepy puffs.
She felt the rise and fall of Tegan's firm tummy until it slowed down, and as Sara counted the times she felt Tegan move under her hands, she began to slip into her own sleep. Whatever gets Tegan to sleep, she told herself.
…
Maybe Sara lied about waking up Tegan, or maybe she wasn't all that invested in making sure they woke up at a certain time because it was Tegan who woke up first, hours later, disoriented and barely getting ahold of her surroundings before she remembered where she was.
She feels Sara's hands holding onto her in a light embrace and she remembers how Sara had been sweet to her, lying down with her so she would take a nap. It had been a while since her sister had acted in such a way, so she cherished the moment, lying closer to the body behind her, relaxing into it.
Its a few moments of bliss until she begins to wonder what time it is. They had arrived at the hotel just before evening so it wasn't so strange that the sky was dark, but she was curious. She forced herself to disconnect from her sister's arms, leaning over the side of the bed to find her phone.
"Jesus," Tegan hissed, reading the time. "It's fucking ten."
"Hey." Sara sleepily reached over to feel Tegan's back when she felt that the body in her arms was no longer there.
"Sara." She started to shake her until Sara's eyes reluctantly opened. She hid her face in her pillow to hide from the unwelcome light her closed eyes had shielded her from.
"What?" She grunted, her voice groggy with sleep.
"I thought you were gonna wake me up. It's ten."
Sara finally lifted herself up from her pillow. "Oh shit really?" Though, she didn't look too concerned. She honestly didn't expect to sleep for so long, but maybe she was more tired than she thought.
Tegan sat up, sighing as she stared at the clock on her phone like she was hoping time would rewind.
Sara could see the dejectedness in her sister's back and moved to sit by her. "Hey," She said, rubbing Tegan's back. "I'm sorry, I didn't think I would be sleeping in that late."
"It's okay. I'm not all that upset. We needed the sleep I think."
"We can still go eat. I bet a lot of places are still open. Plus bars and stuff."
"You hungry?" Tegan asked.
Sara didn't need to think too hard about the question, she felt her stomach wrinkle in hunger, the nap just fuelling her appetite it seemed. "Yeah, I wanna go eat."
The walk back down to Fira wasn't nearly as tiring or aggravating as it was when they had hiked up to their hotel, seasick under the hot sun. The night sky hung above them, giving the dry climate a fresh yet still breeze.
With the shower and a good nap, Sara was feeling great. Tegan on the other hand, seemed a bit agitated, maybe thrown off by waking up so late. Sara figured she just needed a good meal.
The city was still wide awake, people moving from bar to bar, people still lounging on the piers, laughter, and chatter echoing from the restaurants they passed. They would not have any problems finding a place to eat. With nearly no knowledge about any of the restaurants around, they picked out a random place that seemed to be attracting quite a few people. Just a small place with a patio and tables that laid under the night sky with soft lights hanging as classical music played from speakers.
They ordered wine alongside their meals and Tegan looked to be growing into higher spirits after eating some of the tzatziki dip and pita bread brought to them as appetizers.
"Feel better?" Sara asked.
"So good," Tegan moaned.
They enjoyed each other's company, both sipping at white wines until their food was brought to them. Two different types of pasta that they finished in grateful silence.
Sara thought about how common this scene actually was, herself and Tegan sharing a meal and drinks in some elegant restaurant. There was a moment where she wanted to take out her phone to make a video or sneak a picture out of habit, but she thought better of it. That sort of thing wasn't important this trip, and maybe secretly she wanted to keep this to herself. Tegan sitting back lazily in her chair, idly drinking her wine and basking under the starry sky. Maybe this scene belonged to only herself.
The meal had obviously made Tegan feel better, as she became more talkative as their night progressed. The wine might of had a little something to do with it too.
They had enjoyed the wine so much that they purchased a bottle to bring back to the villa despite the complimentary bottle that was already waiting for them, a red bow tied around its neck.
They make it back to the villa in high spirits, Sara holding the wine, cradling it in her arms like a baby. The walk back wasn't long since their hike was filled with playful chatter that passed the time.
Revisiting the suite when the sun is not beaming through the windows feels like visiting a new place altogether and it takes a moment to get reacquainted with their surroundings. They take their bottle to the kitchen in search of a corkscrew.
"What about the complimentary wine?" Tegan asked, looking at the lonely bottle that rested on a little table near the door.
Sara shrugged, already popping her bottle. "The more the merrier." She poured it into a wine glass, filling it halfway.
Tegan grabbed the other bottle and did the same, pouring it and taking a sip. "This is amazing," She said in appreciation. "Not as good as the restaurant's probably but still."
"Here," Sara said, handing her glass out. "Take a sip of mine and I'll take a sip of yours."
"Gia mas," Tegan declared, clinking her glass against Sara's. Some sort of greek equivalent of saying cheers. Sara could tell Tegan enjoyed saying it, how it rolled off her tongue.
"Cheers," Sara said in defiance, earning her a playful scowl from her sister.
Both sipped at each other's wine before trading glasses again.
"Yours is good, it's fruity," Sara said.
"Yours is so crisp. I'm going to have to steal another glass later."
"Go ahead. We can share."
There was a weariness that grew in them after dinner as the day had started to catch up with them, but they did all they could to stay up for just a little longer. Laying back on the sofa half paying attention to a random English channel on their tv while they talked.
Tegan was afraid to go to bed when she was enjoying Sara's company so much. But she was also scared because she didn't want to ask Sara the burning question. When it was finally time for them to retire to the room, Tegan wondered if she would be able to ask Sara if they would be sleeping in the same bed. They already had earlier, but maybe it would be a one-time thing.
When it was time and both agreed that they should go to bed and turn the tv off, Sara fell into her own mattress on the left of the room, sighing with weariness as she kicked her pants off to the floor without much thought. Tegan flushed, seeing her twin's bare legs, but hesitantly went to her own bed, getting under the covers and undressing until she was comfortable in her briefs and tee.
All in the span of an evening Tegan felt herself growing confused by Sara, but not necessarily in a bad way. Maybe because they were alone, and maybe because it had been a while since they last spent time together, but Tegan thought that Sara seemed more open, more vulnerable. That was good, Tegan wanted Sara to be comfortable around her.
She reached out, switching the lamp off, leaving the room in darkness aside from the glow of the moon. She had been too chicken to ask, too chicken to crawl into Sara's bed even though Sara could crawl into Tegan's so easily. She pushed it from her mind when she could tell that Sara had fallen asleep. She allowed herself to fall into the same peaceful darkness.
…
Sara wakes up and she knows that it's later than she normally gets up. The blue sky that shines through the bedroom window looks settled with the outside world chattering away. Tegan is still in a deep sleep, which is fine by Sara. That gives her some time to explore her surroundings for a minute, just herself.
She quietly makes her bed, which is smaller than what she's used to but comfortable enough. Both beds sit on the opposite sides of the room, the door between them. Sara had no trouble sleeping but she knows she'll feel some relief when she's back to her king size mattress at home. She changes into some day clothes, not worried that Tegan will wake up to see anything, and leaves the room.
Their suite is decently sized for two people, with enough room to spread out if needed. Sara's hand trails over the white walls, feeling the grainy cool texture. She had read that most of the buildings were the remnants of old caves, carved and built over, painted in white plaster that was made from volcanic ash.
She finds the coffee in the kitchen, which she brews with the press that sits on the counter along with the half-empty wine bottles they abandoned last night. She grounds the coffee up into course grounds to fill the grind up and starts boiling some water to fill it up the rest of the way. Minutes of waiting and minutes of pressing and soon the scent of fresh coffee began to sift through the kitchen and out into the rest of the rooms.
It was only moments later that she heard shuffling and movement from the other room. Perhaps the smell had awoken Tegan.
Sara poured herself a cup, adding only a hint of sugar and cream. When she heard Tegan pad through the living room into the kitchen she turned around, giving her sister a small greeting.
Tegan was stretching her arms in a yawn, dressed for the day, and blinking sleepily against the morning light. "That smells good," she said. "Makes me want a cup of coffee."
"There's enough for the both of us."
Tegan looked off into the distance in thought. Maybe because she was half awake that she had to think about things very carefully. "No," She said after a good second of thought. "I'm good with just the smell."
"Okay weirdo."
"So what's on the antennary?" Tegan asked, sitting down at the table after getting herself a glass of water.
"Mm. I didn't plan anything today, I just wanted us to settle in. I don't feel like eating out for every meal so we have to get groceries, of course."
"Of course."
Sara sipped at her coffee, the bitter and sweet mixing together pleasantly.
"Shall we make a list?" Sara asked.
She joined Tegan at the table, and the two named things that came to mind that they would need for their week.
"Stuff for salads definitely. And sandwiches."
Tegan watched as Sara wrote their grocery list down, often taking little breaks for a sip of coffee or to gaze out of the kitchen window in thought. Tegan's eyes followed the sunshine that reflected off her smooth face, golden rays tracing her sharp jaw and cheekbones, pouring into her brown eyes.
Tegan sneaks glances until Sara sets the pen down.
"Okay. Done. We can go catch breakfast if you want? And pick this stuff up later? I'm starving."
Tegan nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good."
The two finished getting ready for the day. Because of the hot weather, Tegan had packed many pairs of summery pants and shorts made from light cotton covered in colorful prints. She picked out a pair of those and a plain black tank top. Sara had her own assortment of light pants and shorts, breezy button-ups, and airy t-shirts. She had opted for a pair of light shorts and white button up, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Sara threw her backpack on while Tegan set her satchel over her shoulder. Both donned black sunglasses to fight the glaring sun.
Walking around Firostefani was like walking through a bustling castle, crowded with people and walls. The sisters made sure to stick close together, often time brushing shoulders, giving each other knowing looks every time. Look how close this place is making us. Not our fault that we seem to keep bumping into each other.
Firostefani may be a quiet town, but it's still alive with people. When the two make their way to a little cafe not far from their villa, it's packed. And when they take their seats, they watch the steady stream of tourists navigate through the streets that run through the town, the sea right behind them.
Both ordered golden fluffy crepes. Watching Tegan talk to the waiter was fascinating, how she's able to charm people with just her smile and a few friendly words. Truthfully, the things that embarrassed Sara about Tegan were all the things she also loved about her. Her enthusiasm, appetite for companionship, friendliness, these were all things Sara admired her for, the things she herself embraced but not in the way her sister did.
They had gone shopping after breakfast, at a local supermarket where Tegan followed Sara around with a basket as they looked for the things on their list.
"It's kind of like we're living together again." Tegan had said, and Sara was hit by this simple statement that Tegan herself didn't seem to dwell on.
The memory of them, nineteen and goofing around their grocery store, shopping for groceries to bring home to their shared apartment had pushed its way into her mind. Sara found that she liked this idea of them living together.
They walk back to the villa, groceries and a small cooler in tow.
It was more of a pain to get to the beach than they first believed. They had to take the bus and wait at the bus station in busy Fira where they waited alongside a crowd of other confused and jittery tourists waiting for the same bus. It was a welcome escape when the bus did finally arrive, offering air-conditioned seating. The ride was about twenty minutes, but it went by fast when the windows were always offering such breathtaking views. Sara especially liked driving through the quiet green country of the island, passing farm animals, wooden huts, and lonely churches that sat by the road. They should have stayed here, a place where there was nobody else but goats and hills.
The beach is busy and the color of charcoal. The sand feels of grain and is hot to the touch.
The dark shore lined with beach umbrellas with people on their towels scattered under and around them, basking in the sun. Both had worn swimsuits under their clothes just in case they wanted to swim, but Sara wasn't planning on swimming. She had only wanted to lay down while covered in layers of sunscreen while she read or simply soaked in the feeling of the salty air.
They relax, very few words shared between them. They were able to find a free spot under a large umbrella where they lay down their towels. Throughout the day they order beers at the bar that sits just a way off from the beach, and it's not long before Sara unpacks their lunch she had prepared earlier, sandwiches with chips and grapes. Both eat gratefully, booze idly swimming around their heads, food settling comfortably. The sun is no longer harsh, instead, it feels one with the sky as the world becomes dimmer.
Tegan's begs Sara to swim with her, but Sara is too difficult, too comfortable. Later she regrets not swimming with Tegan though. She watched her strip her outer clothes off, revealing small tight swimming shorts and a tank top. It's similar to the one Sara is wearing under her own clothes. She is always captivated by the skin her sister rarely shows off.
She watches Tegan splash around, walking in the water until it laps at her waist. She looks similar to all the children who had been playing along with the shore earlier.
She would move her attention from Tegan and switch to spying on the people around her who were scattered throughout the beach. There were so many people but it felt like they were all having independent experiences from each other, all in their own worlds.
When Tegan joins Sara back on the dry sand, her skin smelled like the sea. It seems different than any other time they had swum. Sara allowed herself to take in that scent, saltwater, seaweed, the subtle iodine. She liked how Tegan wore the ocean breeze, the smell on her skin, bathing suit, and hair all blending with sand and the chemicals of suntan lotion.
They wind down, relaxing ever further. Tegan had reached over to grab something from the cooler, her thigh and knee briefly rubbing against the side of Sara's own bare leg, just a graze.
"Sorry," She apologized quietly, unaware of how that little coincidental touch had made Sara tremble, because she would never admit to have liking it.
She was afraid Tegan could tell how affected she was and simply brushed the apology away.
"It's fine," She mumbled. Tegan's thigh had been warm, bits of sand stuck to random places on the tender skin. She wished she could fall back into Tegan, just press up against her and have their bare skin touch. Tegan's warmth with Sara's cool.
Tegan was struck by how distracted Sara seemed to be compared to yesterday, but it wasn't something she dwelled on when Sara took the time to offer her reassuring glances.
The day dragged on lazily as the sun simmered down and bled orange as it dipped into the horizon. They rested, drinking more dark beers until the sun disappeared. People still litter the beach in clumps but the energy had settled down, everyone calming down as the sky grew darker and darker. The town nearby lights up with street lamps and hanging lights and reflects off the beach, the darkness of the ocean to their front and the glow of the town on their back.
Sara feels like she can fall asleep here. Just lie down under the cool sky only for Tegan to wake her in the morning and drag her into the water, taking her by the hand and following her close while the water nips at their ankles. Next time Sara will swim with Tegan.
They don't say a word on the bus drive back to the villa, much too tired. No words need to be said to say that this was a perfectly fine day so they quietly dress into their night clothes and fall into their respective beds exhausted.
…
Sara dreams like she's slipped back into the not so distant past. Funny how the future is always looming close while the past stretches so far away.
She thought they were vacationing in Greece, but apparently, they were back home, or more accurately, Tegan's home. She was sitting on the sofa, a book in her lap. Tegan was sitting by her, watching the tv with a distracted glint in her eyes.
It seemed the whole world was on mute until she finds her voice, which seems to shake them both out a daze.
"Tegan are you paying attention to the tv or can I turn it off?"
She turns to see Sara on the other side of the couch, her feet spread out on the cushions, a book on her lap. Tegan wordlessly turns off the tv, setting the remote on the table. Sara continues to read, throwing Tegan a hum of gratitude. She knows Tegan too well. understanding when she's bored or lost in her own head.
Once the static of the tv is no longer buzzing around, she feels a lot more sober-minded. Looking into the now black television screen reflection, she finds that her hair is longer than she remembered, coming down to her shoulders neat and straight. Had it been that long since they were in Greece? It feels like yesterday they were eating lunch on the colorful sands by the ocean. Maybe it had been an elaborate dream. Sorrow fills her at the thought of it all being a dream. All the time she shared with Tegan, missed. All the opportunities, wasted.
Sara lightly kicks Tegan's leg, playfully catching her sister's attention.
"What?" Tegan gripes, her unfocused attention now on Sara.
"I just remembered a dream I had," she responds as if that's an explanation.
Wordlessly, Tegan reaches for Sara's socked feet, laying them across her so they sit on her lap. Tegan ignores the questioning look thrown her way as she rubs soothing patterns over her sister's soles, massaging up the arch up to the balls of her feet.
Sara kicks, lightly when she feels Tegan's fingers gently digging into her. "What are you doing all of a sudden?"
Tegan traps her sister's legs underneath her arms, not allowing her to kick free. Sara sighs, allowing herself to be trapped.
"No tickling," She warns.
"Tell me about this dream."
"We were on the beach, and I cut my hair short."
Tegan hums as she rubs Sara's feet, listening as she does so.
It's a moment of silence before her ministrations stall, and she looks at Sara before she leans over her body, taking the book from her hands, gingerly slipping it from her grasp before setting it down on the coffee table, the pages hugging the glass.
When Tegan leans over her, her hands nestle against her sides. Sara's own hands grab onto Tegan's biceps, not being able to tell if it's to stop her or encourage her.
"Us? At the beach?" Tegan's voice leaks with coy interest.
Sara only nods her head as Tegan's comes to rest on hers, their foreheads pressing together.
Sara could tell what Tegan wanted to do. She shook her head, grabbing Tegan by the jaw with both hands to stop her from coming any closer. Pointless because Tegan would never do anything Sara didn't want.
"Don't do that," Sara whispered, her thumbs pressing into her cheekbones, smoothing down to the corners of her lips. The words seemed so harsh compared to her soft voice and touch.
"Okay," Tegan whispered, talking with Sara's hands still holding her.
When she wakes up, she feels that phantom feel of Tegan's cheeks on her palms.
It's dark, but Sara can tell it's close to morning because of the muggy air and light tint to the sky.
She has trouble deciphering memories from dreams before she starts to connect the dots, recognizing that she had a dream, a realistic dream about the last time Tegan had tried to kiss her. It was like waking up from a memory, true events mixing with the surreal fog of unconsciousness.
An ache consumes her. The echoes of her heartbeat leaves traces of melancholy in her waking muscles. Tegan sleeps on the opposite bed, her body turned towards Sara, her lips in a sleepy pout, and her body all curled up under the blanket.
That was a year ago, on the couch in Tegan's home. Both had acted like nothing happened, they were almost trained to act like nothing happened. That was the last time Tegan had tried to kiss Sara, and Sara hadn't tried since then either.
She allows herself to take one peek at the peacefully sleeping Tegan before she has no choice but to close her eyes and try to fall back asleep, feeling like some part of her is missing and the missing piece belongs to Tegan.
The bedroom is completely painted in the morning light, and despite the air conditioner whirring, sweat drips down Tegan's temples and between her breasts when she finds herself awake.
She peaks over to Sara who's sleeping, a look of restlessness about her. She gets up quietly, leaving the room with a pair of clothes in her arms.
When she's dressed, Tegan takes a peek into the room where Sara sleeps soundly. They usually wake up around the same time but Tegan somehow was pulled to an early morning.
The island produced a small chatter. The faint chirping of birds, the constant shuffling of people walking in Firostefani, and their voices, colorful but dim. The sounds of the streets outside their window was that of a painting beginning to fade. Even though the sounds were present, Tegan felt isolated from the world like these sounds were simply background, not to be taken seriously.
Tegan let out a long frustrated sigh before pushing herself up from the couch and heading into the kitchen. She was becoming too wistful all alone and had to distract herself.
She started some coffee, using the press because she knew that's how Sara preferred it. Tegan wasn't all that savvy when it came to coffee but she wasn't a stranger to making coffee in a press since her girlfriend was also fond of it. She loved the smell of coffee, much more than the taste so she took a moment to simply look out the little kitchen's window out onto the sea and take in the aroma.
Next, she took out ingredients for breakfast hoping that Sara wouldn't wake up with too particular of a craving. She quietly hummed some songs while starting up the pan and chopping veggies. When the pan was hot and the cracked egg bubbling around the yoke, she rushed to the shared room.
Sara was still sleeping soundly. Tegan kneeled in front of her sister's sleeping face, smiling when she heard her soft breaths. Even when she was sleeping she sounded sweet. Tegan reached out to shake Sara's shoulder roughly until she was murmuring unhappily. Sara groaned in protest as her eyes blinked open.
"Tegan," Her groggy voice complained. "What do you want?"
"Wake up, we have shit to do."
Sara blinked. Sat up, and looked out the window. "What time is it? When is the thing?"
"Not for a while."
Sara frowned. "Then why am I up."
"I made coffee. For you. And omelets. The kind you like with all the stuff in em."
Sara reached for her phone, her sleepy eyes falling to the screen. "Why so early?"
Tegan shrugged. "Woke up early. I don't want to be awake without you anymore. I'm bored, I need company."
Sara sighed, falling back into bed. Tegan shook the mattress. "Come on," She urged, "Breakfast and coffee."
"I don't want to get up."
"What if I brought it to you?"
Sara peaked at Tegan with one eye. "You would bring me breakfast in bed?" She asked, her voice sobering up.
"Already on it," Tegan said, standing back up. "You just relax. Be right back."
Tegan carefully placed the finished omelet on a plate, making sure it looked magazine perfect. Bright yellow with the colorful peppers and green veggies stuffed inside. She poured Sara's coffee in a mug, adding only the smallest bit of sugar and cream. She wanted to set everything up on one of those trays that fold into a little table, but this would have to do. When walking back to the bedroom she thought about going outside to find a flower for decoration and ambiance but decided that was too much.
Sara was lying down, her eyes still sleepy, but she looked to be patiently waiting. Tegan proudly showed off the tray. "Sit up," She ordered.
Sara obeyed, sitting in her bed against the pillows. Tegan's focus was briefly stolen by Sara's sleep shirt, a large tee, that dipped down showing off her strong clavicles. One side of the fabric dragged lower than the other side, giving Tegan a view of her shoulder as well. And like a teenager, Tegan was fascinated by the lack of bra found, even though she herself had slept without a bra.
"Here take the coffee first," Tegan said, a bit distracted.
When Sara did so, Tegan said, "Taste it, tell me if it's okay."
Sara held the mug with two hands, bringing the coffee close and inhaling the fresh scent before blowing over the steam and taking a small sip. "Perfect," She said.
Sara took the plate, smiling down at the meal. She looked up to Tegan. "What's the occasion?"
"It's a vacation, that's the occasion," Tegan said. "Oh hey, that rhymes!"
Sara smirked. "A new song perhaps?"
"I'll work on it a little more and get back to you."
Sara took a bite. "Mhm. This is really good. I think I woke up like super hungry." She noticed Tegan was still standing by her bed, watching her. "You gonna eat?" She asked.
Tegan nodded awkwardly. "Uh yeah, be right back."
Tegan finished cooking her own food, thinking about Sara as she did so. She had just wanted to crawl into bed with Sara and hold her. Bringing her food and coffee in bed felt so domestic. Tegan could have been in another life where every morning Sara was waiting to be woken up by her.
Sara watched tegan eat on the other bed. She was quiet yet active like she was purposely hiding in her own thoughts to refrain from talking out loud.
She thinks about the dream which is really just the distant past, and feels that familiar discomfort in her heart.
"I had a dream about you," She says, disrupting the quiet.
Tegan looks up surprised from her meal. "Really?" She asks, her concentration falling back to her plate. "What about?"
"We were at your place." She can hardly go further than that without giving herself away.
"Us, At my place? What were we doing?" Tegan graces Sara with a look of curiosity. She's clueless.
Deja vu. Sara wonders if she's living in a dream within a dream like in the movies. How the person keeps waking up causing the audience to question what is real.
Sara remembers rejecting Tegan. It wasn't the first time and she's not the only one who rejected the other. She's had her heart broken by tegan plenty of times. But never had this Intense feeling of regret hit her as it did now. Like a sudden sickness she didn't know how to treat. She wished she could have fallen back in that dream and have let Tegan kissed her. How different would this trip be if she had? Would anything actually change? Would they even be here?
"I missed you," Sara says, almost like she can't help it.
"You were just dreaming about me," tegan laughs.
"I still missed you." I still miss you.
Tegan didn't know how to respond, not expecting the serious mood shift.
Please don't brush me aside just because it's easy. Sara could see the wheels turn in Tegans head, probably trying to figure out if she was reading too much into Sara's confession.
She smiled, a crooked smiled that lacked the usual life behind it.
"You don't have to miss me anymore," tegan says, avoiding Sara's stare. "You're here with me right now."
Don't you feel that empty piece inside of you? Sara thought. Don't you miss something that's there, like you're looking down at your hand convinced that it's gone?
What did Sara have to do to show her what she meant. How far was she willing to go to just show her how she felt.
The topic was quickly dropped when Sara recognized that tegan was being too avoidant.
They had booked a wine tour. It would be their first real event taking advantage of what the island had to offer, or more accurately, what the city below, Fira, had to offer.
The tour wasn't until much later into the day, and while on any other day Tegan would be patient enough to just sit in their little villa and spend time lounging until it was time to head out, she was much too hyperactive to sit still, not knowing if she could handle being alone with her sister closed off from the world. She practically begged Sara to let them leave early down to Fira for some exploring. And while Sara was wary of heading out to the busy city, she finally agreed.
The sisters walked the sleek cobblestone of the town they were staying at, through the blue and white churches, and vendors down to Fira. It was impossible not to walk over somebody's front yard as simple yet beautiful homes sat together on the walking paths of most streets.
They talked pleasantly while walking to the main part of Fira, so much different in the day then at night. Tourist hordes flooded the paths that ran around all the different shops and restaurants, a steady stream of noise accompanying them. The center of Fira felt like an outdoor mall, with the subtle clash of intimate corners hidden within the clutter. Everything was held together with the glue of alleyways, stairs, and quiet nooks that took you to some other part of the city.
The outskirts of the city overlooked the wharf to the sea with a crater view. Benches and tower viewers were set up so people could rest or look out into the distance where cruise ships and sailboats floated idly and the island stretched beyond reach. Hovering over the crowded and busy main streets were peaceful clay watchtowers holding church bells and large chapels with blue domes.
Tegan pulled them towards a little strip of street that was cluttered with quiet inns, coffee shops, and a souvenir store. It had much homemade jewelry and postcards, just a simple tourist shop. Tegan excused herself for a moment while Sara was looking at the tables of colorful necklaces and postcards. The postcards had pictures of amazing views and architecture all around Santorini. She thought about buying one but she couldn't come up with a reason to send one to anybody when she would be home in just under a week.
Just moments later, Tegan snuck up behind her, setting something on her head.
"What is this," Sara smiled, taking a floppy straw hat off her head. She turned around to see Tegan was wearing a similar one, only more tan.
"Did you really buy these?"
"Hey, it's hot out. Put it on, you're gonna look great in it."
Sara set it back on, looking at herself in a small nearby mirror. "See? You look great," Tegan repeated, joining her in looking in the mirror. When they were both wearing sunglasses and the same hats, they looked more like twins than usual.
Heading back to the streets, she did have to admit that the hat helped with the relentless sun.
"Thank you," Sara told Tegan who only responded by shrugging with a smile.
The main part of Fira was more open, with shops to all sides and people visiting, bouncing from one store to the next. Essentially tourist central, but still stunning.
They mostly did window shopping, sometimes walking around the little stores for the air conditioning. Tegan would always pass the jewelry, taking great interest in the gift shops. Sara tried to figure out why she was so interested in that stuff before she realized she was probably looking for a gift for her girlfriend. Sara felt mixed up about that information, like she had forgotten that their was another world with different people Tegan belonged to.
Without a word tegan purchased a thin bracelet, simple with some decorative beads, the symbol of the island which looked like an eye in the middle. She briefly showed it off to Sara before shoving it in her own bag. She didn't explain who it was for but Sara already knew who it was for.
Tegan had been acting off all day. Just subtle things that Sara barely catched herself. Tegan was still eager and happy, talking excitedly about their surroundings but she seemed to be distracted, half of her stuck by Sara's side and the other half somewhere Sara could only dream of knowing.
Hours had passed of visiting the streets shared by people taking photos, visiting the boutiques, and eating at restaurants and cafes. They sat down for lunch, a modest restaurant. Filled with tables, the windows open with hot air mixing in the cool air inside. Their were many decorations on the walls that made the place seem intimate and personal despite all the people dining.
Sara found herself watching all the other people around them, most of them couples. All day she found herself comparing herself and Tegan with every random couple they passed. If she let herself, it was easy to see them as any other couple they passed. It was scary how easily it was to fall into this fantasy.
Their tour guide is kind enough to pick them up in the outskirts of Fira. He pulled up in a van with the tour's name printed on the side. His name was Hernan, and he spoke with a heavy Greek accent. He was overeager and loud in his speaking, but friendly enough and glad to help Tegan practice her own shaky Greek. Sara would chime in every now and then but Tegan was the one who did most of the talking. Her tone almost matched his and they would be laughing together every now and then. Sara was amused by their interactions and simply sat back listening.
The drive leads them to a scenic road where the gravel winded into a dirt road that was hugged by green fields. It was that green that Sara loved so much with its speckles of farm animals, black rocks, and charming country houses.
When the vineyard was in sight, Hernan changed form, his voice turning passionate as he spoke of the history and people of the wine vineyard. He was very knowledgeable of the area and loved talking about wine in general.
Even out in the reclusive country, the blue ocean stayed put as the backdrop to the green land. Just beyond the distance, a small white village snuck away in the hills, it's presence similar to a ruined landscape.
The grape vines grew in coils that slither around on the ground like clumps of snakes. Green sprouted from the dry looking branches and in the leaves hid green grapes that bruised yellow and pink. Large woven baskets lined up throughout the yard, full of the picked grapes. It was here they met with Francesca, a beautiful native of the land who learned English to accommodate all the tourists that poured through her vineyard. She was polite yet lively, had the wrinkles and skin of a woman who worked under the sun and looked to be maybe a little older than the twins themselves.
Both she and Hernan guided them through the yards of plucked vine coils to the white stone house that lay within the fields. The house belonged to Francesca, and sat the sisters at her kitchen table where she kept all the wine they were to try. All the bottles were filled with both dark and light wines. Francesca explained volcanic land manipulated the taste of the wine, giving it a sweet taste with a hint of sulfur.
Wine glasses began piling up on the table with each new taste test, each glass just a sample. The pleasant conversation bounced from each person with each new wine the sisters were enjoying.
"Ah, musicians. You sing?" francesca had asked.
"Yes," They replied politely.
"How lovely. I won't ask you to sing but I'll have you know I admire musicians very much. My daughter is also a singer. Very talented. How nice for that you can spend their careers and vacations together."
"Well, we've been on a break so we haven't actually been seeing each other that much anyway. I guess this is just the right timing," Sara said.
"Yeah we don't actually spend that much time together outside of music," Tegan said. Not really sure why.
Sara gave her a hesitant glance like she could sense something off about the statement. "That's not really true," She said lightheartedly, but with a hint of warning.
Tegan only shrugged. What she meant was that they didn't spend as much time as she would like outside of music.
"Well, it's still nice. You must love each other very much," Francesca said, unaware of any other atmosphere in the room beside the pleasant one she had been building.
"Oh sure," Sara said. "We kid with each other, but we really do love each other." She tried to catch Tegan's eye, but Tegan was simply gazing down into her glass, before sending their host fake smiles.
Fernan poured them all more rounds of a different wine, and Francesca elegantly explained the proper way to drink to drink them. Sara followed the movements that the woman demonstrated, taking the glass to her nose and stirring it to catch all the scents. Her mind was mostly focused on Tegan though. Her sister hadn't taken her eyes off their beautiful host. She looked way too happy to converse with Francesca, it was much different than how she would speak to Fernan. Even if she wasn't aware of it herself, Tegan was demanding some attention from the woman.
That's fine Sara thought. She's allowed to think women are attractive. She can't help it and it's not like she was flirting or anything.
Her thoughts were broken up when she heart a tiny meow. She turned to see a kitten, so small and fuzzy peer at the table from the entryway of the dining room.
"Oh, kitty," Sara pointed out. Tegan looked and smiled at the small creature.
"Oh my god," She said. "It's adorable."
"That's Teddy," Fernan exclaimed. "His mother is a barn cat, but Teddy here likes hanging out around the house."
"He's very friendly," Francesca said. "If you want, I bet he'd let you pet him."
Sara didn't need to be given any more permission than that and slinked out of her chair, approaching the kitten with caution. Tegan watched as she crouched down and tried to gain Teddy's attention with wiggling her wingers and cooing in her baby voice. Tegan couldn't help but laugh to herself when she heard Sara speak like that. It was so cute.
"How long have you known each other?"
"Thirty-seven years," Tegan spoke without thinking, too distracted from watching Sara.
"Really? You two are a very lovely couple," Francesca told her
Tegan froze, glancing from Francesca and then sharply at Sara who didn't seem to hear. A nervous laugh was ripped from her chest. "No." She shook her head. "No. That's," She felt a sudden awkwardness at introducing Sara as her sister. "We're sisters," She explained with some trouble.
Francesca looked between the women, to Sara who was still fussing with the cat and to Tegan who was awkwardly sitting by her.
"Oh my," She said. "Now that I'm getting a good look at you, you two do look alike. My god, how embarrassing," She laughed.
Tegan didn't know how to respond. Her mind was still whirring from the information that somebody had seen them and seen a couple.
"Don't mind her. She thinks every twosome that comes through here is a couple," Hernan said after a loud laugh.
"Well, it's a very romantic place you know. My business thrives off couples."
"No, that's okay." Though it looked like Francesca wasn't bothered by her mistake in the least and had a demeanor of could happen to anyone. Tegan was the only one shaken up about it. Though she knew if Sara had been in earshot or paying more attention, she might have been in a similar mindset as herself.
Sara joined the table, thoroughly happy from her time with the little kitten and took her seat by Tegan who was still stuck in that moment of awkwardness.
"He's so cute," Sara gushed. "Tegan you have to pet him before we leave, he's even tinier than I thought, and such soft fur."
Thankfully, nobody brought the incident up to Sara and the conversation flowed back in its normal course. Glasses of wine shared between the two sisters with careful instruction on what to look for in each new taste.
When it was time to leave they thanked and said goodbye to Francesca with tipsy sheens painted across their cheeks.
"You two are adorable, come back again someday."
They had two more stops that took the rest of the day. A wine gallery where they had all sorts of wine held in barrels in an airconditioned room. Unlike the vineyard, they were accompanied by other tourists. Mostly couples. Tegan wondered if Sara noticed. By the time they were done with that and then the small bistro that was hidden away busy Firo where they got to pair wines with different foods.
The more wine that flowed through Tegan's system the more she was less afraid of being another couple amongst couples. She hoped Sara didn't tell that she was purposefully letting their arms brush, sticking close to feel the warmth of Sara's pink face against her own. Maybe Sara could tell but she wouldn't say because maybe she liked it too. The feel of Tegan close while surrounded by others.
Hernan got them safely home, bidding them a goodbye followed by, "be good." Which probably meant to be wise in their current tipsy states but Tegan took the phrase to mean something else. To be good around Sara. To be good as a sister.
They had eaten a little bit here and there but they were still hungry and Sara was glad that Tegan suggested spaghetti. Neither felt like they were capable of going out again that evening so they settled in their villa and opened the wine from their first night.
"This is already our second wine party," Sara mused, holding the bottle up to inspect the label better. "Third if you count the entire day."
"What other kinds of parties would we be having?"
"You got me there."
"Here," Tegan takes the bottle from Sara. "Let's get dinner started and I'll pour us a glass."
Making pasta was a joint effort. Sara mixed together Italian ground beef and some tomato sauce, no matter how simple the ingredients, it smelled delightful, filling the villa with the savory smell. Tegan boiled the pasta, making sure to stir it now and then.
"I'm gonna let it simmer a bit," Sara told Tegan after she had mixed up the sauce and beef. "I'd like another glass please," she says while licking a small smudge of sauce from her finger. "Oh, that's good," she says.
"Yeah?" Tegan asks, abandoning her pasta to inspect Sara's finger, holding her wrist.
"No," Sara warns, but laughs anyway, trying to free herself. Tegan makes it like she about to take Sara's finger into her mouth, causing her sister to squeal and squirm in her arms. "Tegan! No!"
Rather than take Sara's finger into her mouth like she desperately wants to do she bends down to give it a little peck, a smidge of sauce clinging to her bottom lip.
"You brat," Sara playfully pushing Tegan away, but even the little push isn't enough to create all that much distance and the two are still close together, their body heat and the heat of stove all present. Tegan is still gleaming, laughing at Sara's attempted escape.
"Why do you like to make me squirm so much?" Sara asks, and either she's drunk or Tegans drunk but she feels the question sit still like a well laid out trap. The way Sara had just tried so hard to escape from her but still lingered close, her chest seeking out Tegan's. Tegan has seen this sort of look before, this sort of behavior. She doesn't know whether to ignore it or not. It's only been a few days and she feels like she can't take any of this.
Tegan watches her sister's flushed smile for a second longer before turning away.
"Some wine?"
Sara sees the small amount of distance and only offers a pensive nod before stepping away. Tegan pours them each a glass while Sara makes them up two bowls of pasta. They stand together doing their respective tasks, suddenly quiet.
Tegan had seen that intent in Sara's eyes. It was something she cherished and cursed. She felt like the ship tattooed on Sara's arm, a boat clinging to rocky waters only for waves trying to bury it.
They settled in the living room, their plates on their laps and music quietly humming from a music channel on tv.
"Pasta is always so good," Tegan groaned after a big bite.
Sara agrees, nodding her head while chewing.
It's not long before their bowls are empty and their glasses are refilled. It was easy to fall into chit-chat as they floated through the music and alcohol. The wine had really started to stir in a warm buzz within them, all the samplers adding up throughout the evening.
Sara thought about Tegan. Sara thought she had been laying her soul bare before Tegan no matter how subtly, she thought Tegan would be able to see it, but she wasn't responding. She remembered the bracelet in Tegan's bag which belonged to that woman.
"How are things at home?" Sara asked as casually as she could.
Tegan shrugged. "Good. Fine," She said. Then, seeing Sara's questioning glance she said, "You mean with-"
"Yes," Sara answered before Tegan could say that woman's name.
"Good," Tegan said, and smiling, added, "Fine."
"That's good," Sara said awkwardly, drinking her wine to avoid saying anything more unnecessary.
She could tell Tegan was staring at her, but she refused to acknowledge it. She felt as if the things holding her together were beginning were growing old and starting to crumble. Someday she would have a dilapidated soul tired from all the pull, but she would try to take care of herself for now because she had other people she needed to love other than Tegan.
"That woman, Francesca, thought we were dating," Tegan suddenly says.
This time Sara does face Tegan. "How do you know?"
"She told me. She told me we were a lovely couple."
Sara doesn't know if she should laugh or not, but she does. "How does that happen?"
Tegan shrugs. "No idea. I'm glad you weren't paying attention to see how awkward it was."
She looked hesitant like she was testing Sara somehow. Sara didn't know what to say so she didn't say anything. She wondered if people had been looking at them all day and wondering if they were a couple or not. No one seemed to pay attention to anybody else, they were merely bodies floating in the same space.
The night grew still, and weariness weighed down on the sisters as they finished off the wine. Tegan's blinking had become slower and almost fell asleep multiple times.
"Tegan," Sara murmured. "We should go to bed."
"I'll just sleep here," Tegan sighed, her eyes closing as she settled into the couch.
"No. Come on, the room is like three feet away."
"Still pretty far."
Sara scooted closer. "Hey." She gently shook Tegan's shoulder. "Bedtime, come on."
Tegan smiled at the hassling and Sara knew she was just being difficult on purpose. She pushed Tegan, making her sister laugh.
Tegan's eyelids lifted and she was looking at Sara. Her smile was tipsy and peaceful. It made Sara pause, her hand still grasping onto Tegan's shoulder.
"It's bedtime?" Tegan asked.
"Yeah."
Tegan seemed lost in her own thoughts before, "Can I sleep with you?"
Sara felt her demeanor tense. She hadn't expected that from Tegan.
"I wanna lay with you. I want you to hold me again."
Sara bit her lip in thought, surprised at how Tegan could just lay her wants out in the open like that.
"You did on our first night. I didn't even have to ask, you just did it."
Sara looked away shyly. "I was trying to get you to sleep."
"I need your help again."
"Yeah right, you've had enough wine to help you sleep already."
Tegan nudged herself towards Sara, leaning in her personal space just as Sara did in the kitchen. "Sara," she whispered. "Please."
Maybe it would only scare her away to cling too close but Tegan couldn't help it. She left no space between them. Their thighs, the sides of their tummies and breasts, were squished together. Her arm reached around to hold Sara's shoulders, and she let her hand feel the tender muscle of her sister's shoulder. It was so difficult trying to figure out how she wanted to be with Sara.
"I love it when you hold me. I feel safer than ever." Tegan confessed.
The quiet between words washes over them in what feels like slow motion. Tegan can still hear all of Sara's little soft breaths, can feel the rise and fall of her chest. Sara must be thinking too hard because she's too quiet. It worries Tegan so she leans in closer, gently nudging Sara.
"Sara?" She asks.
"Maybe we shouldn't drink so much," Sara said, absent mindlessly.
"Why is that? Am I being too annoying?" Tegan half-joked. She knew she got clingy when she drank.
"Because all night, all I can think about is kissing you."
There was a strike of silence.
Sara had said that in such a casual way that Tegan had to try and make sure she wasn't imagining it. But from what she observed from Sara, she had said it. She knew because of how she was crawling into herself, her arms wrapping around her body and her eyes refusing to meet Tegan's. She had said the truth.
Tegan didn't want to play this game anymore, pretend that she didn't need Sara. If Sara was allowed to say it then Tegan was allowed to do it.
She leans over, her hand moving up to Sara's firm jaw so she can face her. Sara's eyes meet her own and she falls into them, those brown eyes until something sharp jumps from them. Tegan stops just before her lips can touch Sara's. Sara whimpers when she feels how close they are, but Tegan can only shake her head before planting an innocent kiss on Sara's hot cheek.
"You're right. We shouldn't drink so much." And she leaves a confused Sara on the living room floor as she walks to their shared room so she can slip under the covers of her bed.
She's not tired enough not to kick off her pants and unclip her bra, and she's not tired enough to fall asleep without mourning the kiss Sara had basically offered her. Tegan would have loved to kiss her, it had been so long, but she knew how this game went. How they would indulge in these small acts of intimacy only for them to pile up enough to be scary, causing one of them put a stop to it. She has to convince herself that she doesn't need Sara in that way, but she can't seem to convince herself of that. Did they really want this trio to be painted over with their usual drama?
Tegan sighs sadly, missing Sara in every way possible. She feels her presence, can see the lights in the rooms turn off one by one until the place is lit by the blue glow of the moon. The glass door swings open quietly and Sara enters quietly. Tegan doesn't pretend to be asleep, but she doesn't say anything to Sara either. She can't tell if Sara can see her lie awake.
She startles in surprise when Sara begins to strip. She gulps as she watches Her undo the buttons of her slacks, letting them fall to the ground to step out of them, her skin is revealed to the moonlit room as she stands with only her cotton briefs and a flowy shirt. "Move over," she says softly.
Tegans heart goes dead but she does as she's told. Had Sara seen her watching? Had she wanted her to watch?
"No. The other way, further to the wall," Sara instructs. Tegan rolls off to the far end of her bed, frowning until Sara slips into her arms, her back to Tegan's front. Her butt nestles against Tegan's groin, her back laying against her chest.
"Just hold me okay?"
When she feels the hesitance in Tegan's shaky hands, she grabs them, squeezing them. "Please," She utters softly.
She couldn't see Sara's face, but her sister's words were direct though crumbling around the edges. Tegan's arms tightened around her waist. She nuzzled at the back of Sara's head, her nose and cheek skimmed over Sara's neck, her hair. She poured as much emotion as she could in those little movements because even Sara needed the small reassurance.
Tegan didn't fall asleep until she felt Sara still in her arms, the previous stiffness melting as she began to sleep. She closed her eyes and tried to commit the feeling of Sara, her warmth, her breaths, her smell, to memory.
Sara couldn't describe what was happening to her. After all these years of wanting Tegan, the sudden isolation they found themselves in poked at Sara like a nagging voice, telling her out of all the times in your life to surrender willpower, this is it. She could see that Tegan had that same nagging voice.
Sara fell asleep with a deep ache where tenderness bloomed around the bruises.