Kid Razor's Tryout
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel Comics, DC Comics, and Kid Razor is mine, both the original and the version here.
Author's Note: This is set before "Misfitverse: The Korvac Saga".
In the story, Monica Burton, the Sonic Blue of the 31st Century, said she tried out for Legion membership, but was rejected because her powers came from technology. I figured, how would her best friend, Suzi Lee, the Kid Razor of the 31st Century, react to that? This is how. Enjoy! Oh, and here's a quote: "Who's got efficient nipples?" - Dvd, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Metropolis, the 31st Century
The skies of Metropolis found itself with an unusual guest.
An Asian girl, with wild blonde hair streaked with black, raced through the skies in a rainbow-colored aura. She was clad in a rock t-shirt that was stylishly ripped to expose her arms and midriff, red leather pants with white legs covered in gold razor blades, held up by a white belt that had a belt buckle shaped like a razor blade with wings. She had red, white, and gold rags tied around her upper arms, white biker gloves on her arms, and around her forearms were red bands with gold studs. Her face paint was red, white, and gold. She was Suzi Lee, the latest inheritor of the magical guitar, and the mantle, of Kid Razor. Strapped on her was said guitar, in the form of an ancient red Telecaster with gold pickups, and a white-and-gold pickguard.
"I wanna rock 'n' roll all night, and party every day!" The teenager sang as she watched buildings go by under her at blazing speed.
"What're you up to now, Razor?" The voice of Lorelei DeYoung inquired as the woman herself appeared flying next to Razor. Lorelei was the Kid Razor before Suzi Lee. (1)
"Haven't you heard, Lori? It's Legion try-out time." Razor grinned at the dark-haired ghost woman.
"Oh, no..." Lorelei groaned. She knew where this was going. "Why do you want to join the Legion? I thought you don't do super-teams. Which I find funny considering your membership in the Avengers."
"Honorary membership." Suzi reminded. "They gave it to me because they recognized the greatness of the Kid of Rock and Roll, and they knew that if they gave me full membership in the team, they'd be out of jobs!" Lorelei rolled her eyes.
"Whatever, Razor. Let me guess, you want to try out for Legion membership." Lorelei sighed. "They'll never let you in. The antics of the various Razors are legendary. I should know! I was the one before you!"
"Yeah, I know." Razor rolled her eyes. "The Kid of Rock was there when Selene took you out. Besides, I want to talk to the Legion about Sonic Blue."
"Razor, they have the right to reject her." Lori advised. "They're a little skittish of tech heroes because of Kid Quantum."
"Kid Quantum misused that belt of his." Razor reminded. "And Brainiac 5 uses a technological device! His force field belt! Those guys are hypocrites!" Razor snapped. "They rejected Sonic Blue because of her family's long history with the Razors!"
"I doubt it. And from what I heard, Brainiac 5 created his belt after joining up. He convinced them his intellect would make him a good member." Lorelei rolled her eyes. "Suze, you haven't been a Razor long. You're still getting used to the Power of Rock flowing in you. It can mess with your head. It can make you a real pain in the neck. I should know. I was a real hellion when I first became Kid Razor myself. It didn't take much for me to completely go bonkers on someone. Gave my ghost guide a real hard time, but eventually, I got through it and got control of the Razor persona. It especially is hard to control in the presence of the media."
"The Kid of Rock'll be fine." Razor waved it off. "You worry too much."
"I'm your ghost guide. It's what I do." Lorelei countered. Razor streaked through the sky, not knowing that three other teenagers were flying towards Legion HQ aided by their special flight rings. Even if Razor did know, she really wouldn't care less. The three were dressed in civilian clothes.
"Tryout day today, you guys." A short pale-skinned boy with short light-blue hair styled like spikes reminded. He was dressed in a puffy blue jacket and jeans. He was Brek Bannin of the planet Tharr, aka the cryokinetic Legionnaire known as Polar Boy.
"Oh, wonderful." A redhaired boy dressed in a red jumpsuit with yellow highlights sighed. He was Dirk Morgna, the solar-powered Sun Boy. "Every six months, we see the worst wannabe heroes in the universe. Fantastic. Especially that moron Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. He appears every time, and he still doesn't get the sprockin' hint."
"Hey, my audition didn't exactly go perfectly either." Brek reminded. "I lost control of my powers and froze half the audition room."
"Oh, yeah." Dirk snickered. "That was hilarious. Especially seeing Cosmic Boy getting dangled from a stalagmite by the seat of his pants!" The redhead burst out laughing. Brek groaned.
"I thought I'd end up on Takron Galtos for that." The ice-maker groaned. "Or at least, banned from Legion HQ for life." He looked over at the third teenager. "April, you shouldn't read while you fly. You could run into something." (2)
"Huh?" A teenage girl looked up from the book she was reading. She was African-American, and her long brown hair wad a purple streak in it. Her eyes were also purple, with cat-like slits. She was dressed in a purple t-shirt and shorts, with matching sandals. April Dumaka, a new member of the Legion, was codenamed Catspaw for her feline powers. A mutant like the legendary X-Men of a millennium past, her gene was activated by the experiments of a hidden cell of Dominators on Earth the Legion busted up. Soon after, she joined the Legion. She smiled. "Oh, sorry. I was very engrossed in this book I got."
"What book is that?" Dirk blinked.
"It's a book of mutant legends." April explained. "Since I am a mutant, I thought it'd be neat to learn about some of the legends of my people."
"Neat." Brek took a look in the book. The cryokinetic frowned as he read some of it. "Who are these GI Joe guys? I've never heard of them." April shrugged.
"I have no idea. But this legend fascinates me." April turned to one page. "It's the prophecy of the Lost Mutants."
"Lost Mutants?" Brek blinked.
"Oh, I've heard it." Dirk waved it off. "I grew up next to this old mutant woman. She told me the legend. The legend basically says that a group of long-dead mutants will be brought back to life to fight some cosmic evil or something." The solar-powered hero rolled his eyes. "If that prophecy was true, then they would've been brought back to help us take on Mordru last week. Oh GAWD, that was rough."
"The Lost Mutants prophecy is one of the most revered prophecies amongst my fellow mutants." April reminded the living sun. "It's a source of hope. They say mutants fear no evil because of the prophecy. They don't fear this evil because they know the Lost Mutants will come and save the universe from it. Look, the book even has pictures of them. Here's the one called the Star of Phobia." April showed the two boys a page from her book. Dirk and Brek took a look at the page. The page showed a drawing of a teenage Native American girl. "I wonder who she is..."
"She looks like Dawnstar a little bit." Brek noted. "Maybe she's from Starhaven, like Dawny is."
"You know..." Dirk frowned in concentration, rubbing his chin. "I think I have seen that girl before."
"Where?" April looked at the redhead.
"In some old thing about superhero history. I think she was once in some group called the Z-Men or something."
"X-Men, Dirk." Brek rolled his eyes. "The ancient mutant superteam. The only member still around is Captain Marvel."
"Oh, yeah..." Dirk nodded. "I remember. He doesn't speak much about them."
"You know..." April smiled. "I'd love to meet the Lost Mutants. I hope I get to." The three young heroes continued their conversation about the mysterious young mutants, forgetting that the real news at the moment was at Legion HQ.
Legion HQ
The headquarters of the Legion of Super-Heroes, informally known as their clubhouse, was a large white building that looked like a rocket thrust nose-first into the ground, with a large rendition of the Legion's logo on it. The front of the building was decorated with a banner that had "Legion Tryouts Today" written on it. (3)
In front of the building was a large crowd of youngsters clad in various gaudy costumes. Some held up signs.
"This is it!" One kid with dark eyes, Wolverine-like hair, and dressed in a black-and-white costume with a rainbow on it grinned. He was Ulu Vakk of the planet Lupra, aka Color Kid. He had the power to change objects' colors. "This is our chance to finally get into the Legion!"
"Oh, yeah." A black-haired girl grinned. She was dressed in a black costume with a stylized owl head for a chest emblem. She was carrying a sign with "Marry me, Cosmic Boy" written on it. Lydda Jath was from the sunless planet Kathoon, aka Night Girl, was known for her unique power limitation: She had incredible strength and invulnerability, but only in darkness. She also had a massive crush on the magnetism-manipulating Legionnaire Rokk Krinn, aka Cosmic Boy. "I just hope we get to see Cosmic Boy again." She sighed dreamily. A reporter in a suit stood on a floating platform, speaking to a floating futuristic camera.
"This is Rich Vermilion reporting for WMET News!" He announced. "And it's time once again for Legion tryouts. This small army of young heroes gathers around the Legion's clubhouse, hoping that they will be admitted into the young, but already legendary supergroup. And rumor has it that for the first time, Kid Razor will attempt to join the Legion. The latest recipient of the thousand-year legacy dating back to the original Kid Razor, this new girl has proven to be just as loud, wild, and arrogant as her predecessors. As for why she plans to join, the usually media-loving Razor was remarkably quiet about it." He put his hand to his ear. "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got word from Legion Headquarters that the tryouts are about to begin." A teenage boy walked out, cheers erupting from the crowd at the sight of him. He had longish red hair, a goatee, and was wearing a blue-and-white costume with yellow lightning bolts shooting across his chest and shoulders. (4)
His name was Garth Ranzz of the planet Winath, and the universe knew him as Lightning Lad for his power to shoot lightning bolts. His fraternal twin sister Ayla had the same ability, hence she was called Lightning Lass. Garth walked towards a podium that was overlooking the crowd.
"Hello, heroes!" He greeted, making the crowd cheer. "It's that time again! You could be a Legionnaire! Let the tryouts begin!" The crowd began to cheer again. Kid Razor landed on a rooftop nearby.
"Hmph." She scowled at the crowd. "Losers. All of them." She took off again and flew into the crowd.
"And now, we shall start the WHAT THE-?!" Lightning Lad yelled as in a rainbow-colored streak of light, Kid Razor blasted into the crowd of heroes.
"Outta the way, you losers!" Kid Razor snapped, rudely shoving past various costumed youth. "I am the Kid of Rock! Show some respect!"
"Hey!" Night Girl snapped as Kid Razor shoved her aside. "You arrogant little-!" She moved in front of Razor. "Just because you're a famous rocker doesn't mean you can go shoving others around." Razor glared at the dark-haired heroine.
"Do you have any frelling idea who are talking to?" Razor warned. "I am Kid Razor! I am the Ultimate Rockstar! The Juke Box Hero! The Fearless One! The Kid of Rock has been kickin' ass all over this universe, while you do whatever it is that worthless little wannabes like you do!" She looked up at the sky. "Besides Nighty, the sun's still out. You can't do jack during the day." The Fearless One grabbed Night Girl and shoved her aside.
"Hey!" She yelped. "You jerk!"
"I may be a jerk, but the Kid of Rock ain't a loser like you with idiotic powers!" Razor laughed. "The Kid of Rock has an audition to do, thank you very much!" Razor continued shoving her way through the crowd. "Move it! Outta the Kid of Rock's way, pencil-neck! Step back or get your nose broken!"
"Aw, no..." Lightning Lad groaned as he saw Razor shove her way towards him. "The last one wasn't this bad."
"The last one was pushin' eighty, Captain Clown." Razor reminded as she walked towards Lightning Lad. The blonde asian smirked as she looked the redhaired electrokinetic over. "Hello there, cutie pie. Do you remember me?"
"Unfortunately." Lightning Lad sighed. "What do you want, Razor? Don't you have a city to protect?"
"Cleveland can go five minutes. All the villains are on strike anyway." Razor shrugged.
I heard that Cleveland was a madhouse, but geez! Lightning Lad shook his head. "Razor, why are you even here? I thought you weren't a fan of the Legion."
"I'm not, but that don't mean I shouldn't try to join you guys anyway." Razor shrugged. "Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm of the so-called Fantastic Four hated each other, yet they worked together."
"Actually, from what I understand, The Thing and the second Human Torch had a rivalry, but it wasn't hatred. I mean, it was far from the original Kid Razor's anger towards the first Captain America." Lightning Lad corrected. Razor scowled.
"The old relic was always jealous of the first Razor." Suzi Lee scowled. Lightning Lad rolled his eyes. The Razors always were egocentric and somewhat delusional about their roles in the superheroic community, although the sight of the reporters and their cameras made the redhead electrokinetic think that maybe Razor was hamming it up for the cameras. Giving the superhero fanboys and fangirls something to rant and rave about. He had to admit, every incarnation of Kid Razor over the last thousand years had a love of the media, and a talent for manipulating it.
"Whatever you say, Razor." Lightning Lad shook his head. "You want to get this over with?" Razor shrugged.
"Fine, Battery Boy." She answered. A few minutes later, the Kid of Rock 'n' Roll found herself standing in a round room. She was standing in front of a long round desk. Seven Legionnaires were sitting at the table, staring at Razor.
"This is a momentous occasion." The heavyset Bouncing Boy chuckled. The young woman next to him frowned at Razor. Her skin was blue, her ears were pointed, and her long black hair framed her face. Her head was topped by a golden two-pronged tiara. Her black costume was essentially a black bikini with a cape, golden wristbands and black thigh-high high-heeled boots. She also had on a golden belt with the Legion logo belt buckle. She was Tasmia Mallor of Talok VIII, aka Shadow Lass, with the power to manipulate darkness. "Don't you agree, Shady?"
"I don't know." Shadow Lass frowned. "She's up to something."
"Oh yeah, I'm up to something, alright." Razor rolled her eyes.
"If she's interested in joining the Legion, we should give her a chance." Saturn Girl reminded.
"This is most illogical." A blond-haired green-skinned boy frowned at Razor. His forehead was adorned with a logo of three circles connected by two lines, forming a downward-pointing chevron. He was dressed in a purple jumpsuit adorned with a futuristic golden belt with the Legion logo on its buckle. Brainiac 5, the descendant of the villainous Brainiac, who fought Superman in the 21st Century. He joined the Legion to distance himself from his evil ancestor. His 12th-level intellect and Force Field Belt made him an invaluable addition to the team. "The Razors don't normally try to join super-teams in this manner. They normally storm in and demand membership, throwing numerous insults along the way."
"Aw, what's wrong with a little bucking of the tradition, Nerdmaster?" Razor chuckled.
"He does have a point, Razor." Rokk Krinn, Cosmic Boy, reminded. Dressed in a lavender-and-black costume with white epaulets and four white circles on the chest, he was one of the three founders of the Legion alongside Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl. He was also known for being a very big history buff. "I've heard a lot about the various incarnations of Kid Razor's antics over the centuries, and they all do the same thing: They all grandstand and try to make themselves look good at the expense of other heroes."
"A lot of such fairy tales and rumors exist about various heroes over the years. Like that infamous rumor about that one X-Man." Brainiac 5 frowned.
Heh heh, that rumor is hilarious. Razor snickered mentally.
"Okay, you got me, I got a bit of an ulterior motive." Razor snickered. "Face it, Legionnaires. You need me way more than the Kid of Rock needs any of you. You Legionnaires need someone who knows the media. None of you can do that. None of you know anything about how to deal with the spotlight and the cameras. Us Razors have always had a mastery of the spotlight. The spotlight was made for us Razors."
"So you're saying you should join up because we need a publicity agent." Brainiac 5 realized.
"Well, yeah." Razor shrugged. "That, and let's face it. Who's the biggest name in superhero history? Not any Legionnaire, not any Avenger, not any of those goofball Guardians of the Galaxy, not any of the Heroes of Lallor, not any of the Wanderers, and the biggest name in superheroes is certainly not any of the Legion of Substitute Heroes, or as I call them, the Retard Squad."
"I doubt they'd appreciate the insult, Razor." Triplicate Girl shook her head.
"Like she cares." Shadow Lass snorted.
"Thank you, Shady!" Razor snickered.
"Does she really need to ham it up?" Bouncing Boy whispered to Brainiac 5.
"Another Razor tradition." The green-skinned Legionnaire whispered back. "When there are cameras on them, they, as the Earth colloquialism goes, take the attitude up a notch."
"I'm sorry, Razor." Saturn Girl frowned. "But your reputation, as well as the reputation of your predecessors makes you too...too..." The Titanian telepath struggled to find the word.
"Out of control?" Brainiac 5 suggested. Saturn Girl nodded.
"So, I'll take that as a rejection?" Razor deduced.
"From me, yes." Saturn Girl nodded.
"Well, the Kid of Rock can understand that from you. We know you don't like the idea of another chick in the team. More competition, heh heh." Razor snickered.
"Hey, Razor on-board would be good for a laugh. I say we give her a shot." Bouncing Boy chuckled.
"No thank you." Triplicate Girl shook her head.
"I already have to deal with enough annoyances. I don't need Kid Razor around all the time." Brainiac 5 scowled.
"Sorry, Razor." Cosmic Boy sighed. "But you Razors have a bad rep in the superhuman community. A long, bad rep."
"Oh, come on!" Razor groaned. "It's not like any Razor went bad and became villains. We always were the good guys!"
"Yeah, good guys that tended to drive everyone else crazy." Lightning Lad sighed.
"You know my answer." Shadow Lass shook her head. Razor nodded.
"I have to admit, this is unusual, you taking this well." Saturn Girl admitted. "You usually throw a fit."
"Like when the Avengers rejected you." Cosmic Boy remembered. "You broke the Tachyon Torch's jaw." Razor shrugged.
"Well, to be honest, the Kid of Rock wasn't here to audition." Razor chuckled. "The Kid of Rock was here to remind you that last Tryout Day, you rejected my good buddy Sonic Blue."
"Her powers came from technology." Saturn Girl remembered. "After that disaster with the first Kid Quantum, we-!"
"Kid Quantum was a shardbrain." Razor scoffed. "The guy barely could tell the difference between his head and his butt! Anyway, Sonic Blue was furious. And as you know, she's a good friend of mine, and the Kid of Rock don't have many friends. So..." Her eyes started to glow rainbow colors. "Consider this my way of saying you guys screwed up. Big time." Back outside, the reporter Rich Vermilion continued speaking.
"This is Rich Vermilion! Legion Tryout Day has taken a turn for the strange when the musician-heroine Kid Razor made her appearance, shoved her way through the crowd, and demanded that the Legion try her-!"
KRESH!
"Aie!" Cosmic Boy yelled as he was seen being thrown through a window, landing right in front of the crowd of prospective Legionnaires.
"WAH!" Shadow Lass screamed as she flew through the same window, landing on top of Cosmic Boy. "Oof!" Yelling and cursing could be heard inside, as well as the sounds of a struggle.
KRESH!
"Augh!" Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl flew through another window.
KRESH!
"WHOAAAAA!" Bouncing Boy was blasted through a third window. He landed back first on the podium, shattering it. "Ohhh!"
"Aieee!" Triplicate Girl, all three of her bodies, landed on the heavyset teenager.
"Urk!" Brainiac 5 found himself, forcefield up, landing on top of Bouncing Boy.
"Hey!" The black-haired hero groaned. Razor was spotted stomping out of the HQ in rage.
"You guys want to treat one of the Kid of Rock's friends that way?!" She snapped. "That's what you clowns get! Nobody tells the Kid of Rock's friends they can't join anything, you hypocrites! Nobody! NOBODY!" She took to the sky, leaving the crowd in a state of shock. Razor flew towards the camera. "That's what you get when you screw with the Kid of Rock's friends! He snapped in the camera, pointing at the beaten Legionnaires. They were getting up and rubbing their heads. Razor scowled at the teenage heroes, then flew off.
"I told you rejecting Sonic Blue was a bad idea!" Bouncing Boy grumbled at Lightning Lad. The redhead groaned. Sun Boy, Polar Boy, and Catspaw landed nearby. The three Legionnaires' jaws dropped.
"My goodness!" April gasped.
"What the hell?! Did you guys have a really party or something?!" Dirk snickered. Brek groaned.
Thanks for reading!
(1) – To learn a little more about Lorelei DeYoung, read "Misfitverse: The Korvac Saga". Her name is a nod to Dennis DeYoung, former keyboardist and singer of Styx, and the song "Lorelei" by Styx.
(2) – Takron Galtos is an artificial planet from the Legion's comics. It's essentially a giant prison.
(3) – Think the Legion Clubhouse from the recent animated series. I can't believe that they canceled it after two blasted seasons! Come on! It was getting real good, man!
(4) – Rich Vermillion's name is a nod to Will Ferrell's character Ron Burgundy, a moronic 1970s reporter.