[Author gurgles maple syrup and throws hockey pucks into the air]
JLEh?
The Igloo of Justice
Ottawa, Ontario:
Superman leaned on the wall adjacent to the Igloo's main entrance, smiling. In the distance, he could see the figure of Batman bob up and down on the horizon as he trotted towards him, through the snow and cold and large quantities of Moose. Eventually, Batman reached the door, which at this point had been held wide open by the arm of Superman for some time.
"Sorry that took so long eh," Batman said.
"Oh don't worry aboot it," replied Superman.
They entered the expansive hall together, lightly tapping off the snow from their boots onto the soaked welcome mat. They then removed their boots, because that's what Canadians do when they enter other people's houses; they respect the floors.
De-booted and warmed by the Igloo's series of heaters, they began walking down the icy hallway towards the meeting room.
"So like, how's Edmonton eh?" Superman asked as they walked.
"Oh, its crime ridden as usual doncha know."
"Sorry to hear that eh."
"Oh it's ok," Batman replied. "How's Toronto?"
"Oh it still sucks."
"Sorry to hear that eh."
"It's like, ok," Superman replied. "You gotta beer in that utility belt?"
Batman reached into his utility belt. "You know it eh," he said, tossing the Man of Steel a Molson.
The duo reached the meeting room at the centre of the igloo just as Superman finished the last swig of his beer. He crushed the can in his fist and tossed it into the clearly marked recycling bin near the door. The Justice League of Canada sat round the large, Maple Oak table, chatting politely and quietly, warming their hands and feet by the massive fire-place that jutted out of the table's centre. They all wore toques and sported glorious lumberjack beards; every single one of them. Hockey sweaters and Moose antlers hung on the wooden walls around them, giving it a quaint, homey, and very Canadian feeling.
Superman counted off the members; Batman and himself made two, Wonder Woman and J'onn were four, Aquaman, Green Lantern, and Black Canary made seven, Hawkgirl was on vacation in Hawaii so Superman need not count her….
That just meant that Flash was missing.
As if on cue, a blurr of red shot past the still standing duo, rushing for the empty seat adorned with a lightning bolt. The table grew quiet, and turned to the speedster.
"Sorry I'm late eh," he said. "I got stuck at a four way stop in Saskatchewan since I didn't want to impose on the other drivers, doncha know?"
"Oh it's no problem eh," Green Lantern said, patting him on the back.
With that in order, Batman took his seat, while Superman stood at the head of the table. He clasped his hands together.
"Good day eh," he said.
"Good day eh," the League replied.
"Our topic today is Justice," Superman continued. "Does, like, anyone have anything to report?"
"Newfoundland is clear eh," Aquaman stated modestly.
"I settled a dispute between the Secwepemc and the BC government," Wonder Woman said, "so, like, we're all good on that front."
"The Maple Leafs lost again eh," J'onn stated solemnly. Black Canary and Flash both cheered very politely, as they were both Montreal Canadiens fans.
"Well then," said Superman, "if that's, like, everything, why don't we all…"
Before he could finish, a buzzer that sounded a lot like the one used by the Calgary Flames echoed through the hall. The League gasped.
"The secret communicator!" Batman exclaimed. "Quickly Superman, like, turn to CBC!"
Superman pulled out the TV remote and clicked the channels until he found CBC. Immediately, they were greeted by the face of Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who wore neither a toque nor sported a glorious lumberjack beard, which is why many in the country accused him of secretly being a Manhunter.
"Good day eh," said the Prime Minister.
"Good day eh," replied the League.
"We've just got word of something suspicious going down, and we need your help Justice League."
Superman nodded. "We'd, like, be happy to help Mr. Prime Minister."
"Yeah, what's the situation eh?" asked Wonder Woman.
"It's hard to tell right now, but something is causing a huge ruckus in Quebec City. We were hoping you could check it out and see what's going on."
The League was quiet, contemplative, apprehensive. Finally, Batman spoke up. "Do we, like, have to do this one?"
"Yeah," agreed Flash. "I mean, it's like, Quebec and all that."
Harper shook his robotic head. "Think of the Maple Syrup gentlemen," he said.
Batman turned to Wonder Woman and Black Canary. "Sorry he forgot about you."
"Oh it's ok eh," they replied in unison.
Superman finished stroking his lumberjack beard, looked round the table, and finally said, "Alright Mr. Prime Minister. We'll, like, be on our way."
"Glad to hear it gentlemen," he replied. The TV clicked off.
"Sorry," Batman said to Black Canary and Wonder Woman again.
"Oh it's ok eh," they replied, again, in unison.
…
…
…
Quebec City, Quebec:
A shadowy figured rampaged through the city, overturning signs, destroying bus stops, blowing up a school or two. The crowds of slightly-innocent Quebecers scampered away in terror, riding their dog-sleds clear into the snowy hills in order to escape. Bill, the lone member of the armed forces, valiantly stood his ground with his circa 1812 musket rifle, but found that his bullets and polite cease and desist orders were utterly ineffective.
"Two…..days…..until…..CPP…." he moaned in pain as the figures fist exploded his chest.
Undeterred, the figured turned to continue his march of destruction, only to come face to face with the bearded visages of the Justice League of Canada.
"Like, stop right there please," Superman said, politely and with his inside voice. The figure paused, still cloaked in shadows. Slowly, with a chuckle, he walked forward, revealing more and more of himself to the light.
The League gasped when the shroud was fully pulled away.
"Captain America!" Flash shouted. "Oh, like, sorry for shouting."
"Oh it's ok eh," J'onn said.
"Like, what's your game, Captain?" demanded Batman. "If, like, you don't mind sharing or anything."
"Yeah, like, no pressure or anything," Wonder Woman added.
Captain America released a mighty, patriotic chuckle, and banged his fist on his shield. "I'm doing what James Madison never could do!" he declared proudly. "I'm taking over this dump!"
"Like, don't do that, please," Superman said. The others nodded in agreement.
"It's too late, Justice League! I've already infected your culture, your politics, I already have the superior literature and monuments! You don't even have an army!"
"Well, like, we did until you killed him," stated Green Lantern.
"It doesn't matter," Captain America said, ignoring the glowing green lumberjack man. "You can't stop me! I'm just, too, powerful!"
"Oh yeah, well, like, we'll see about that eh," said Superman. "Justice League, go Bobby Clarke on this guy!"
The League flung themselves at Captain America, dodging his kicks and shield bashes. Batman snuck up behind the Captain and, digging into his utility belt, wrapped his arm around his opponents throat and thrust a card into his face.
"This is, like, my Alberta Health Card eh. It means I get quality, publically funded healthcare for free!"
Captain America hissed. "Socialism!"
Wonder Woman dodged a kick and landed right next to his ear.
"Je peux parler en plusieurs langues!" she said.
"Nooooo, what's happening!?"
Black Canary leapt onto his chest and screeched into his face. "I'm, like, part Metis!"
"What does that even mean!?" Captain America shouted in pain.
J'onn, having shifted into the appearance of a construction worker, and Green Lantern, riding a green train construct, blew past the besieged American. "We're proudly part of a union!" they shouted. Captain America could only wobble…
Which left him open to the Flash as he sped towards him.
"My education is, like, 90% subsidized! I can pay off my student debt in less than 5 years!"
"Nooooooo!" Captain America screamed. He wobbled, nearly fell onto his knees. Still dazed beyond belief, he stabilized himself, just barely. An insidious thought struck him. He looked around in horror.
Where's the BIG one? He asked himself nervously. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw him. Superman, wearing a 1972 Summit Series Canadian uniform, skated down the icy streets. As he closed the distance, he threw his gloves and stick to the side, and sported the meanest, nastiest face anyone could ever imagine.
Captain America was stunned, so stunned in fact that he found himself unable to react when Superman grabbed the back of his shirt and tugged it over his head. Fully vulnerable, Superman pounded his fist into Captain America's stomach over and over again, before wrapping him in a bear hug and throwing him to the ice. A cacophony of whistles blew as a swarm of linesman descended on the hero and villain, trying to pull them apart.
The rest of the League waited patiently on the side as the linesmen separated the two combatants. Superman was escorted off the ice with widespread cheers from the crowd, while the beaten and bruised Captain America found himself bound in handcuffs made from the finest Canadian steel. A referee stopped on a dime in front of Batman.
"20 years, conspiracy to commit terrorism." He placed his hands on his hips. "Automatic game misconduct."
Batman nodded his head and jotted that down on a piece of paper.
The League surrounded him as the referee skated off after the linesmen. They patted each other on the backs, laughed and cheered politely.
"Superman would say, like, good work everyone," Batman said with a smile.
"Yeah eh, like good work," Wonder Woman added.
"Good work," they all agreed. Wonder Woman slapped Batman on the back.
"Like, crack open the brewsters eh."
"Can do eh," he replied, reaching into his utility belt. Soon, the air was filled with the sounds of cracking sheet metal and carbonated wheat liquid, and the League raised their beers to the air.
"God save the Queen eh!" Flash shouted to the sky. Black Canary shook her head.
"I wouldn't go that far eh."
"Oh, sorry eh," Flash said.
"Oh don't worry about it eh," Black Canary replied.
"Yeah don't worry about it eh," the rest of the League said in unison.
And they all drank their beers and lived Canadianly ever after.
The End.
They say that Canadian Literature is famous for it's humour and anti-Americanism. So...does that make this Canadian literature?
If so, move the fuck over Margret Attwood.