A Drunken Chicken Story
AN: A little oneshot of when Fawkes had his first drink. Set in book one.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, no matter how many times I begged JKR. I don't own any of the Barry Trotter books either.
Fawkes was pissed off. Albus was charging about here, there and everywhere, going on about Voldie being beaten by a mere baby, dubbed The-Boy-Who-Lived and not paying the blind bit of notice to your truly.
It was enough to drive a phoenix to drink. Speaking of which, that wasn't a bad idea….
All things considering, Fawkes felt justified in bullying a couple of barn owls named Fuzzball and Barney to help picklock Snape's drinks cabinet and swipe a couple of bottles of fire whisky. He sometimes saw Snape get so drunk on the stuff, he'd try to make out with the statue of the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office, before skipping off down the halls awarding points to Gryffindor. Fawkes figured if alcohol could make such a sourpuss as Snape act as happy as that, it was worth a try.
After successfully getting the fire whisky from the cabinet, Fuzzball grabbed a couple of dishes for the drink to be poured into, before the three sat on the floor in a circle in front of Snape's fireplace, not wanting to be the first to try the stuff.
It was over ten minutes before Fawkes thought enough was enough and stuck his head in the dish for a mouthful.
It burned the back of his throat, but in a good way, and made his tummy feel nice and warm.
Barney and Fuzzball saw Fawkes practically drive back into the dish for more, before dipping their beaks in for a taste.
Two hours later
Fawkes was pissed. Only this time, he was pissed as in drunk- very, very drunk.
He couldn't fly and he couldn't walk straight either. Looking over to his drinking companions, they were in a worse shape then he was. Barney was passed out and Fuzzball was staring at his reflection in a puddle of spilled whisky looking as if he was going to kiss it.
There was a bang as the door to Snape's office was opened and the man himself walked in to the sight of drunken poultry and empty bottles of fire whisky.
"What the fuck!?" shouted Snape.
"Ummm- you swore!" giggled Fawkes looking up from the floor, before staggering off trying to look as dignified as a drunken phoenix could under the circumstances.
Snape rolled his eyes as he headed to the fireplace, carefully stepping over the birds and grabbing a handful of floo powder, while Fawkes tripped over his feet and landed beak first onto the hard stone floor.
ADCS
Albus was having a rare moment to himself, and he was spending it alone at his desk in his office, reading a delightful book called Barry Trotter.
'Those muggles have no idea how close to the truth they are concerning the wizarding world, but That Trotter fellow seems a bit too far fetched to me.' he thought, smiling.
He was just about to open a new packet of lemon drops when green flames sprung up in the fireplace to reveal Snape's very angry face.
"Dumbledore!" shouted a nearly hysterical potions master.
Albus quickly got up from his desk and kneeled down in front of the fireplace so he was on eyelevel to Snape.
"What is it my dear boy? Is it your dark mark?" he asked hurriedly, his eyes full of concern at the thought Voldemort might not be gone after all.
"No headmaster, its that bloody phoenix of yours- he and two school barn owls are currently passed out drunk in my office!"
"I was beginning to wonder where Fawkes had gone…" said Dumbledore almost absentmindedly, "Tell Fawkes I will be there after I've read my book to deal with him."
"But headmaster! You can't seriously expect me to baby-sit these animals!" he protested.
"Make sure they don't drink anymore" chuckled Dumbledore before ending the floo call. Drunken familiars will just have to wait- his Barry Trotter book was just too gripping!
ADCS
Snape withdrew his head from the fireplace to send a glare of pure loathing at Fawkes, who looked like he must have passed out during his conversion to the headmaster.
"It's no wonder I'm driven to drink with all the stuff that goes on around here." he said, reaching for a nearby bottle.
Fawkes smiled in his sleep at Snape discovering all his bottles were empty.
The End
AN: You all know the drill: please leave a review.