Author's Note: Wrote this at 12:30 a.m., after reading lots of "Failsafe" fanfics. I did my own twists to Robin's mindset afterwards, though it is still in line with the canon. My first Young Justice fanfiction, so hopefully it doesn't suck. No pairings here by the way.
Hope you enjoy, please review and favorite if you do, I may turn it into a twoshot with the second chapter being Batman's POV.
"The mind is everything. What you think you become." - Buddha.
"We do not suffer from the shock of our trauma, but we make out of it just what suits our purposes." -Alfred Adler.
"Wisdom begins in wonder."–Socrates.
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it." -Jean de la Fontaine.
Over the years, Robin had been exposed to his fair share of trauma. No matter what, he'd always thought that nothing could trump his first trauma, which was watching his parents fall to their deaths all the while knowing he could've prevented it. The simulation had been far worse.
Having been Batman's protégé and ward since he was nine, he was well acquainted with the Justice League, have gone on multiple missions with every member. A few of them had even watched him for Batman when he was out of town and Alfred was sick. Watching them die had been horrifying, time standing still so his mind could take in every detail and burn it into his memory. Yet he hadn't grieved.
The Team, however, was a different story. They were not average teenagers, nor were they an average family in any way. Yet they found kindred spirits in each other, each being able to relate to another in one way or another. The camaraderie he felt with them was far beyond most, yet when he watched Artemis die and Aqualad didn't come through the Zeta tube, he felt next to nothing. When he and Wally had been about to die, he had felt almost nothing other than the minute but potent amount of guilt that his best friend was going to die and he couldn't save him.
Then they woke up and it had been explained to them why they hadn't initially grieved. Emotions were raw, the shock of the trauma finally fading away, as well as their minds struggling with reality and how they had been fooled and how easily another had controlled their reality. Robin had broken down, silent tears flowing down his face, not that anyone could or would blame him. Yet if asked why, he wouldn't have been able to answer honestly. There were too many emotions for him to distinguish and recognize each one.
As the days passed, Robin was able to distinguish the emotions more and more. Expectedly, grief and guilt had been foremost among the emotions. Grief over the deaths, albeit fake ones, of the Justice League and Team he knew so well and cared so much for. That was easier to deal with, as he now knew they were fake, and therapy with Dinah and his own experiences with grief and how to get through the worst of it dealt with it rather quickly. Though the grief still weighed on his heart, scars not only there but in his mind as well. But the worst was over, only the residual effects remaining. The guilt, however, was ever-present and ever strong. If anything, it grew.
The guilt was much more complex than the grief, for one thing. The grief was simply over the "deaths" he'd witnessed. The guilt, however, was for many different reasons. While it was referred to as a broad, general singular thing, in reality it was like love in the sense that there were many different subgroups of it, each being felt in their own way. No one would ever say romantic love and familial love felt the same on the heart, each had its unique grip on the heart, each had its unique reasons.
Robin felt guilty for multiple reasons, some he felt more strongly than others. One of the weaker guilts was over the "deaths" of the League and Team he cared so much for. An even weaker guilt over his subconscious forgetting it was a simulation when M'gann took over. A slightly stronger guilt was over his inability to save the Team. The one he felt strongest, that flogged his soul and conscience every heartbeat without relent, was over how even after M'gann had taken over and their emotions were unblocked, he still hadn't grieved that much.
These were the people he loved most in the world, yet he had not been able to conjure a single tear for them. He hadn't needed to try to know he couldn't, he simply knew. His grief had manifested as an emotional numb with a slight sting of grief and lack of energy, the latter only being felt after Artemis's death. Batman had taught him everything he knew, and indeed he had taught him to shove his emotions down and focus on the mission, to be willing to sacrifice everything for the mission. It appeared Robin had learned a little too well.
Part of it, he knew, was due to shock. But the rest of it was all him. The worst of it was he hadn't even had to think about it, it just briefly flashed across his mind that the mission needed his focus and...the emotions had disappeared. Slight fluctuations had occurred, but mostly he had been numb. And no one had been none the wiser. His teammates had been lost in their own thoughts and turbulent emotions, while he had emitted his usual 'effortless' confidence.
The worst was he couldn't find it in himself to tell anyone. There were many reactions they could have and almost none of them were good, seeing as it was wrong of him to mourn. During his four year career as Batman's sidekick he'd overheard many a conversation between Alfred and Bruce in regards to him not winding up like Batman, resorting to closing off nigh every emotion and every person to avoid pain. So Robin had stayed silent while the guilt grew ever stronger. Then the fear manifested.
Going into the crime-fighting business in one of the most crime-ridden cities at a young age would no doubt have psychological repercussions. Even Batman, with his emotional and mental maturity, had been afflicted with pessimism, lack of trust in others, and lack of emotion. Robin had been affected as well. Whenever he was around criminals, there was a surge of rage and hatred that urged him to beat on them until they were as helpless as the civilians they preyed on. While he always tried to stay just and for the most part succeeded, this dark urge was an extreme of justice that wasn't really justice, it was vengeance. Robin gave it the moniker "Batman syndrome", because vengeance on all criminals for his parents' deaths had been Batman's motivation in the early years of the Dark Knight's career. Only Robin's arrival had quenched that vengeful need with a more hopeful outlook, though Batman still had his moments. And it appeared Robin had inherited the Batman Syndrome. Robin became afraid that he would wind up like his mentor, emotionally cut off, except in addition he would have a lack of regard for human life and need for blood.
He tried to remind himself that he had died to destroy the Mothership and therefore end the attack, but his self-doubt always countered with the idea he did it just because it was his routine to do the right thing and he knew nothing else, not because he necessarily wanted to. The fear became so strong that he found himself trying to get positive emotions like joy and amusement from his team, just to ease his mind. The fear again manifested as letting down Batman, as the Dark Knight didn't want him to be as broken as he was. So Robin was extra hopeful around Batman, even when he didn't feel it.
While most every child wanted to be like Batman, Robin didn't. Not totally at least. A hero? Yes. Emotionally cut-off with few exceptions? Not so much. But the civilians didn't understand that, and neither did his team. They viewed Batman as a great hero, which he was, and admired him. The League was critical of his lack of emotion and wondered if it affected his decisions for the worse, like putting Robin in the crime-fighting business at the age of nine. There was no middle ground that he could see to talk to about his fear, so he summoned all his courage, took a risk, and prayed Dinah wouldn't repeat his confession to anyone. He told her the general idea, not the details. She comforted him and told him it was perfectly understandable and okay.
But he couldn't help but wonder if he would wind up like Batman, emotionally cut off and willing to sacrifice anything and everything. Maybe he was already on the way, after all he had a great example to follow, no matter how hard he tried otherwise. Maybe, in the end, all his struggles were futile because as the saying goes, though it may just be through adoption, like father like son.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed, please review and favorite if so.