When we first met, I was 17 and you were 23; do you remember that day, out in the cover of the trees, standing around the magnificent pillars? I had just been brought to the Grey Warden camp by Duncan, and he had told me to find you so that I could meet the other recruits. When I came across you, you were dressed in copper and gold armor with your sword and shield secured to your back. I remember you taunting a mage with your snarky comments before he stormed off. You turned your attention to me, and we talked for the first time.
From there, we were thrown around by the cruel fate of higher beings; Loghain's betrayal of the Grey Wardens at Ostagar, Duncan's death, gathering the allies to defend the against the Blight... But we were together through it all. When I awoke from my nightmares, hysteric and nearly in tears, you were there to comfort me beside the camp fire, and never thought any less of me on the nights that I did shed a tear. You were the kind of man that I had dreamt of but had never expected to meet. During the adventure, we had fights over how we both handled the varied situations, but we never held grudges. We fought for each other, putting each before ourselves. Everything that we faced, we faced together.
I cherished every moment with you; any chance I could, I would strike up a conversation. If you or me was to die, I wanted to either leave or be left with the memories of getting to know you rather than the guilt of not having done it.
The night before we fought the Archdemon and Morrigan came to me with her proposal, I thought it over in great detail. I was almost set on taking the demons soul and sacrificing myself in the end rather than letting Morrigan rob you of the purity that you valued so much... I was jealous that I was about to lose the second thing that I had taken for granted. But when she sent me to your room, I had finally decided that I wanted to stay by your side, even if I no longer played the role in your life that I used to. I didn't sleep that night as I thought of you and her together; it hit me with a new set of emotions that I had thought I could keep at bay, and I did for quite some time. I tried to act the bigger person.
We're 22 and 28 now. Ive served under you as the Chancellor, and pretty much ran the kingdom by myself. I never did meet anyone more special than you, Alistair; you lied. We could have had a beautiful 4 year old kid by now, the heir to the throne that I put you on. I was new to the taint and you yourself had only had it for a few years... The child could have been born healthy in comparison. Or rather, we could've had a surrogate mother... You didn't have to throw me aside as your lover, and yet you did, and than insisted upon staying by each other sides as friends. Every day after the blight I was pained by watching you and knowing that nothing would ever be the same between us.
Funny, isn't it? I chose you for the throne because I believed that were the one for the job, and I was proud of you for actually stepping up during the landsmeet, even if you weren't too keen on becoming King; it meant you valued my opinion and decided to act upon it. Later that night, you broke up with me because my body wasn't ideal to create an heir for the kingdom. I rerun the whole thing in my head many times over; if I hadn't handed you the crown, than we could've lived together for the rest of our tainted lives, restoring the Grey Wardens to their former glory.
When you told me that you had found yourself a special woman, I bit my tongue and told you I was happy for you. I hoped that maybe you would see past my mask, but you didn't. When you introduced us at a party, I couldn't handle it. I left the room, and we locked eyes as I did, and as I wandered down the halls of the castle towards my room, I longed for you to come after me and hug me; comfort me. But when I reached my room, there was no trace of you coming after me... The human woman had seemed to hold your heart tighter than I had.
Then about month ago you came into my room in the dead of night and with the intent of asking for my blessing for marriage with this woman. That's when you discovered that I couldn't sleep because of my untamed emotions, or at least, this was the moment that you couldnt pretend to ignore it any longer. You asked if I was okay, and I sprouted a broken smile and told you I was fine. You fidgeted for a little before patting my shoulder and telling me that you were there for me, and that I could tell you anything. Before I could force the lump in my throat to pass to explain myself, you came and asked what you had come for. I nodded and asked you to let me sleep. Before you had even shut the door, I was crying, and I know at you heard me, but refused to turn back and look at me.
A few days ago I heard the news; your wife is pregnant. Are you happy, Alistair? You're going to have the heir that you sought so badly... Looks like you really did find someone who was more special that me, something that I had failed to achieve. It looks like your story is turning out perfectly; the Grey Warden and bastard prince who returns to take his place on the thrown when his subjects need him the most kills the demons and lives, and than proceeds to marry a beautiful wife and have an heir to the kingdom.
...But I suppose I'm just being bitter now.
I guess I'm dragging this out too long... Something I must've picked up from you, Alistair, only there's no snarky punchline or sarcastic point to be made. I've started having the nightmares that you told me of; the ones that came when your time was near. I plan to head to Orzammer as you told me was customary; I will break through their doors and escort myself into the Deep Roads if they refuse to open them for me. Its like you said to me once upon a time; I've never received a word of thanks or celebration for being a Grey Warden, despite everything that I did. Everything that seemed so important during the Blight is slowly being forgotten... Looks like I'm not going to be remembered for everything that we have been through.
If you have any last words for me, I'll be at the place that I hold the dearest to myself; the place that you first kissed me, until the sun rises. However, if you have nothing but empty words to share with me, than please don't bother coming. Either way, I will be long gone before the sun rise, so I suggest making your decision with haste.
- Zaiden