Once again I lost the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters. And once again more madness and insanity from my tiny little mind.
Bring On The Cannibals
"Cobra retreat! Retreat!" Cobra Commander screamed as he held onto his chair for dear life. The sound of laser fire and torpedoes being launched could be heard all around him.
"What do you think we're doing you blithering idiot?" Destro yelled as he piloted the ship. "Having a bloody tea party?"
"Less screaming! More sailing!" The Baroness shouted. "Dive! Dive!"
"I know what I am doing, woman!" Destro shouted as explosions were heard and felt behind them.
"Well then do it!" The Baroness yelled.
"I'm with the Baroness on this!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Would you also like to be with her when I shoot her out the torpedo tube?" Destro snapped. "Because that can be arranged!"
"Can we please postpone this argument…?" Tomax cried out.
"Until after we escape from the Joes?" Xamot shouted.
"Fire the sonic torpedoes!" Destro shouted. "They'll screw up the Joes' radar!"
"Firing sonic torpedoes!" Mindbender did so. "They're working!"
"Too bad they can still see us!" The Baroness shouted. "Their subs are just as fast as this ship!"
"Faster Destro faster!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Do you want the Joes to catch us?"
"YES! I thought I'd let the Joes catch up and then we could all play a game of Monopoly!" Destro said sarcastically. "JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME DRIVE!"
"You mean pilot…" Mindbender began.
"UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO OUT OF THE TORPEDO TUBES AS WELL I SUGGEST YOU SHUT UP!" Destro shouted. "Set off the ink bombs in five, four, three, two…"
"ONE!" Cobra Commander leapt up and hit the button several times. "NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
"Don't push the button so fast fool! You could jam up the systems!" Destro shouted.
"The ink screen is deployed!" Mindbender shouted. "Let's get out of here!"
"Don't you start!" Destro barked.
"JUST GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "AND SOMEBODY GET ME A DRINK! I NEED A DRINK!"
"WE ALL NEED A DRINK BUT YOU DON'T HEAR MOST OF US SCREAMING LIKE A BLOODY LUNATIC!" Tomax shouted.
"YOU BLOODY LUNATICS SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB OR SO HELP ME I WILL TURN THIS SHIP AROUND AND LET GI JOE CAPTURE US!" Destro yelled. "I'LL DO IT! I SWEAR I WILL!"
By some less than divine miracle the Cobras managed to evade capture. They were in the ocean with no sign of their pursuers. "And that is that…" Destro sighed as he finished pushing the buttons that transformed their ship back from a submarine into a yacht. "It's a good thing we were able to steal a ship like this otherwise we would have been captured for sure! Not that I'd miss sailing around with you lot!"
"Who would have thought after all this time lost at sea after we finally find a port we run into some GI Joes on shore leave in the first bar we walk into?" Mindbender moaned.
"And just our luck they were all sober because they hadn't had a drink yet!" Tomax groaned.
"Shipwreck was not amused," Xamot grumbled as he rubbed a sore spot on his shoulder.
"Take note brother," Tomax also rubbed his shoulder. "Never deprive that Joe of his alcohol if you can help it."
"I thought the Pentagon was cutting programs left and right?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Of all the things they kept after the budget cuts they had to keep the Joes didn't they?"
"Well GI Joe is an anti-terrorism unit," Destro pointed out. "And even though Cobra has been on the decline these past few decades other terrorist organizations have been stepping up their game."
"So in other words the Joes are fighting our competition?" Cobra Commander asked.
"That is the gist of what I am saying, yes," Destro sighed.
"Oh," Cobra Commander thought a moment. "Hmmm…I guess my kindergarten teacher was right. There is some good in everyone after all."
"A sentiment that undoubtedly changed after she had you in her class," The Baroness remarked.
"Wait…Cobra La has kindergarten?" Mindbender did a double take.
"Yes, we had kindergarten," Cobra Commander snapped. "Of course we had a different name for it but it was the same thing. In fact Cobra La had some of the most prestigious schools and colleges for its time. We were a major civilization you know?"
"Really?" Mindbender remarked.
"Of course our version of kindergarten wasn't like modern times with all the rug rats mixed together," Cobra Commander said. "Children learned their social status at an early age and were put in the appropriate classrooms befitting their rank. Since I was of noble blood I was in the highest level classroom."
"Of course you were," Destro rolled his eyes.
"Cobra La kindergarten was easy in the noble class," Cobra Commander went on. "All you had to do was learn how to give an order."
"I take it you got a gold star for learning that?" Destro quipped.
"By my second day I had the entire low born kindergarten class serving me cookies and waging a pillow war on the cleric kindergarten class," Cobra Commander said. "My teacher told my parents I was giving orders at a third grade level."
"So your talent for screeching until people did what you wanted started at a young age?" Destro mocked. "Your parents must have been so proud."
"They were. To tell the truth I sort of cheated," Cobra Commander waved. "I just copied what my mother did at home with her servants."
"And another piece of the puzzle falls into place," Destro said dryly.
"Can we take a detour from Cobra Commander the Early Years and focus on what we are going to do now?" The Baroness asked. "Not that learning about your childhood hasn't been riveting…"
"No offense taken," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Nothing really interesting happened to me in school until seventh grade. That's when I really started to shine academically. You see there was this science fair…"
"No, no! Please Commander! Wait until another day to tell that story," Destro held up his hand. "Preferably the day Hell freezes over!"
"Speaking of Hell…" The Baroness groaned. "Now what do we do?"
"Finding out where we are would be the most prudent direction to start," Destro sighed as he looked at the instruments.
"You mean you don't know where we are?" Cobra Commander shouted. "How could you not know where we are? You were driving the boat!"
"I don't know where I was piloting the boat because some idiot was screaming in my ear every five seconds!" Destro snapped. "I got us away from the Joes didn't I?"
"Barely," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Well your brilliant leadership wasn't helping!" Destro snarled.
"My leadership is the only thing keeping this team together!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"If by leadership you mean the way you have united all of us in our hatred and utter loathing of you then yes…It is keeping us together!" The Baroness snapped.
"Don't forget revulsion…"Xamot sniffed.
"And disgust," Tomax added.
"Contempt," Xamot went on.
"Disappointment," Tomax added.
"Distain," Xamot added.
"Despair," Tomax went on.
"I get the picture!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You don't have to go through the whole freaking dictionary!"
"Honestly Cobra Commander I don't know why we don't just throw you overboard and let the sharks take care of you!" Destro snapped. "At least with you gone the alcohol supply would last longer!"
"Not that long the way the Baroness drinks!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?" The Baroness snapped.
"Oooh! Let me guess!" Xamot raised his hand. "Is it because you are morning the loss of your youth chasing after Destro who can't commit?"
"Or is it because you are such a harpy no man in his right mind will have you?" Tomax quipped.
"Well you gotta admit they're not a hundred percent wrong," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Why you lousy…" The Baroness snarled.
"Now let's calm down before we say something we might regret," Mindbender spoke up. "We need to find out where we are and then find a place to hide out."
"We're in luck," Destro looked at the instruments. "There seems to be an island not far from here."
"Oh goody! We get to be stranded on a deserted island!" Tomax said sarcastically.
"With our luck it's probably inhabited by cannibals," Xamot groaned.
"Lucky for you none of you people know how to act like human beings!" The Baroness shouted. "You'll blend in perfectly!"
"Let's just go so I can get off this stupid ship and have a drink!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Bring on the cannibals!" Destro rolled his eyes. "I'd rather take my chances with them than you lot!"
Less than an hour later…
"This is boring!" Cobra Commander stormed up and down the beach on the island. "Just sitting around here doing nothing!"
"Well if you are so bored then why didn't you go with the others to find supplies?" The Baroness sighed. She was in a red bikini and sunglasses lying on a deck chair reading a pad of some kind. "I can watch the ship by myself."
"Watch your tan line is more like it," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And I am Cobra Commander! I don't go scavenging about like some kind of…scavenging thing! That's work for grunts and peons!"
"Yes, well…since we are for the moment fresh out of subordinates…" The Baroness rolled her eyes. "If you don't want to work just grab a deck chair from the ship and relax. I mean we are on a deserted island after all. Think of this as a mini vacation."
"Every day for you is a mini vacation Baroness!" Xamot grumbled as he carried a sack full of something down to the beach.
"Yes, doing nothing is so strenuous," Tomax snorted as he carried a bag as well.
"I am babysitting Cobra Commander and the ship," The Baroness scoffed. "Someone had to keep an eye on both of them."
"We'll give you Cobra Commander…" Xamot spoke up as he put down the sack.
"He's a handful," Tomax added.
"HEY!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm standing right here you know?"
"But the ship isn't going anywhere!" Xamot snapped.
"There's no one on this island!" Tomax snapped.
"That we know of," The Baroness told them. "I take it you found some supplies?"
"We found plenty of coconuts, melons and other tropical fruit," Xamot grunted as he picked his sack up again.
"In other words we have the ingredients to make pina coladas and other cocktails," Cobra Commander snarled. "Great! Now all we have to do is find an alcohol tree and we'll be all set!"
"Not all of us can survive on tequila and bile alone, Cobra Commander," The Baroness gave him a look.
"We are just trying to get whatever supplies we can," Xamot bristled.
"Who knows when we will be able to find another port again?" Tomax said as they went to unload their bags.
"That reminds me! We need more Port as well as Sherry!" Cobra Commander called out.
"Fine! We'll send out some smoke signals," The Baroness quipped. "I'll send it in code. SOS: Slay Our Sobriety."
"It must be exhausting just sitting there on your ass all day doing nothing but making sarcastic remarks!" Cobra Commander sneered. "How do you do it?"
"You keep throwing me softballs," The Baroness shrugged. "Look Commander you have a choice. You can either go with the Twins and try to find something useful…Or in your case something to complain about. Or you could just sit here and do nothing. As usual!"
"Fine! Since I have to do everything around here I will go out and scavenge like a caveman for food!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "What would you morons do without me?"
"I don't know but I would love to figure it out," The Baroness went back to her reading.
"Crimson Guard! Good news!" Cobra Commander barked as the twins returned with empty bags. "I'm coming with you! The Baroness has pointed out that you need my expertise and guidance while foraging!"
"Oh…joy," Tomax's face fell.
"Commander uh," Xamot frowned. "Wouldn't it be a waste of your…talents to do menial grunt work?"
"Yes! But it beats standing around here watching the Baroness get a tan!" Cobra Commander snorted as he started to walk towards the jungle. "Onward!"
"Thanks a lot Baroness!" The Twins said as one.
"Heh, heh, heh…" The Baroness snickered as she read her pad. "Have fun boys!"
"Come Xamot! Come Tomax!" Cobra Commander went on. "We go forward to glory!"
"I know where I'd like him to go…" Xamot gritted his teeth.
"Along with a certain glasses wearing European she devil," Tomax agreed as they went into the jungle.
"Finally some peace and quiet around here," The Baroness went back to her reading. After a few moments a shadow fell over her. "Is there something you forgot Comman-…"
She looked up and saw it was not Cobra Commander standing over her. "Oh crap…" She grumbled.
Meanwhile in the jungle.
"This path is a bit overgrown but by the looks of it several vehicles have driven over it before," Destro looked down at the ground on one knee. He stood up. "If we follow it Mindbender we should find out where they came from."
"At least we know this island was inhabited at one point," Mindbender remarked.
"Are you all right Mindbender? You seem a little jumpy," Destro said as they went down the path.
"I just have the strangest feeling that I have been here before," Mindbender looked around.
"Now that you mention it, I do have this strange feeling of déjà vu," Destro admitted. "Then again I have been in so many jungles over the decades they all look alike to me."
"True but this one…" Mindbender looked around. "I don't know. I This all looks familiar and I know I have been here before!"
"Maybe you came here once collecting specimens for your lab?" Destro suggested. "Wait, there's a building over there!"
"Maybe there is someone living here and has supplies?" Mindbender asked.
"Good let's find out and steal them," Destro nodded.
They made their way to a large building covered in vines. "Well if anyone is living here they are obviously not gardeners," Mindbender frowned.
"There are some jeeps scattered around the front but most of them don't look salvageable. The door has been destroyed in the front of the building," Destro walked in. "There's no power. Turn on your flashlight."
"See anything?" Mindbender asked as they made their way inside the building.
"Not much. A lot of broken computers, tables…dust everywhere. The place is a mess," Destro frowned.
"Reminds me of one of our old bases," Mindbender snorted.
"Oh there's a crate over here," Destro opened it with his blaster. "Ah weapons! No ammunition but still…. That's good."
"Hey don't these look an awful lot like the Laser M56 we developed years ago?" Mindbender pointed out.
"You're right they do," Destro frowned. "In that case they only need to be charged and…Hang on…"
He brushed away some dirt on the side of the crate. It revealed the COBRA logo. "Oh crap…" Destro's face fell. "This was one of our bases!"
"This is not good," Mindbender looked around nervously. "I knew this island looked familiar!"
"Indeed not," Destro frowned. "Cobra never abandons a hidden base without good reason. So what was the reason we abandoned this one?"
"I don't know! I don't remember!" Mindbender said in a terrified tone.
"Think, man! Think!" Destro held him by the shoulders. "Our lives depend on it!"
"I know it wasn't because of any viruses or deadly diseases," Mindbender retraced his memory. "All those bases were in the desert. And it wasn't radiation. That was the North Pole…"
"Let's grab the weapons and get out of here!" Destro snapped. "Even these outdated models are better than nothing!"
"Right! Odds are we're going to need them," Mindbender grabbed a few.
"God only knows what we left on this wretched island," Destro said as he grabbed some weapons and they headed for the door.
"I want to say experimental synthoid hybrids but I know that's not right," Mindbender shook his head. "I distinctly remember creating them in a lab in South America. Not on an island."
"Just keep walking!" Destro barked. "We have to find the others and get to the ship before…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" A familiar shriek of a certain reptile leader was heard.
"Before whatever we left here finds us," Destro finished his sentence.
"RETREAT! RETREAT! COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming.
"Too late," Mindbender sighed. "Now if I can only remember what we left here on this island."
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" They saw Cobra Commander run like a marathon runner on the path before them.
"Wait for us…" Xamot yelled.
"Cobra Commander!" Tomax shouted as they ran after Cobra Commander.
Running after them were several velociraptors carrying some kind of weapons that looked like primitive guns. The creatures had large teeth, feathers on their heads and were yelling some kind of intelligible grunts and whistles.
"Oh right…" Mindbender remembered. "This is where were experimented on those mutant dinosaurs."
"Yes, it's coming back to me now," Destro nodded. "We made more dinosaur clones and enhanced their DNA in the hopes of creating some kind of super strong dinosaur weapons."
FOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"In retrospect it probably was not a good idea to give those velociraptors increased intelligence, opposable thumbs and the ability to breathe fire," Mindbender remarked.
"Well I have an idea right now," Destro looked around. "Let's see if that Jeep over there has any gas left in it!"
"AAAAAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander yelled as he and the Crimson Twins ran from the dinosaurs. "YOU MORONS WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!"
"HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT?" Xamot yelled. He barely dodged a fire blast from one of the dinosaurs. "YEOWWW!"
"DESTRO! DESTRO! SAVE ME DESTRO!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I EVER SAID ABOUT YOU IF YOU JUST SAVE ME DESTRO!"
VRRROOMMM!
"Shut up and grab on!" Destro yelled as he drove a jeep alongside of him. Somehow he and Mindbender managed to grab the Twins and Cobra Commander.
"What the hell took you so long?" Cobra Commander snapped as they pulled away from the dinosaurs.
"You're just lucky we found a jeep that not only had gas in it, it still worked!" Destro shouted. "We have to get back to the ship! The Baroness! We have to warn her!"
"She's alone at the ship," Xamot said. "If those things get her before we do…"
"Are you saying they could take over the ship and we'd be stuck here?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"He means they could kill her you clot!" Destro shouted.
"Actually I was going to say there is a chance we can get away while the dinosaurs are eating her carcass," Xamot corrected. "Oh like I'm the only one who was thinking that?"
"He's got a point," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"I'm with my brother," Tomax said. "Sounds like a plan."
"If she does die I call dibs on her cabin," Mindbender spoke up.
"You can have her cabin but I want her Kindle and laptop," Cobra Commander said.
"Deal!" Mindbender agreed.
"You lot are the most unbelievable vultures…" Destro gritted his teeth.
"Come on! Move it! Move it!" The Baroness was on the ship carrying a rifle and waving them. The beach chair she had been sitting on was on fire along with something else.
"Oh crap," Xamot grumbled. "She's fine. We should have known."
"It was a nice thought while it lasted," Tomax agreed as they disembarked from the jeep.
"I really wanted that Kindle too," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Baroness, we have to get off this island…" Destro said as they climbed aboard the ship. "This island was an abandoned Cobra research base!"
"I just figured that out!" The Baroness said sarcastically. She pointed to something on the floor of the boat.
"Is that a velociraptor skin?" Destro blinked.
"Yes, I'm going to make a handbag out of it," The Baroness grunted. "Don't give me that look! Anyone who interrupts my Me time deserves what they get!"
"And you were worried about her," Cobra Commander said wryly.
"Let's just get out of here!" Mindbender shouted. "The dinosaurs are on the beach already!"
"Oh relax! We're in the boat now! They're just stupid mindless…" Cobra Commander waved.
BOOOOOM! BOOOOM! BOOOOM!
"AAAAAAHH!" Cobra Commander fell to the floor of the boat and covered his head. "THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US!"
"Did those dinosaurs learn how to make guns?" The Baroness's jaw dropped.
"Quite the leap in evolution you have to admit!" Destro gulped.
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"We're gone!" Destro sprinted to the bridge. "Lay down some cover fire for our escape!"
"AAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as he held his hands over his head. The Cobras laid down cover fire as Destro piloted the boat out of there.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Cobra Commander wailed as he lay on the deck. "I TASTE TERRIBLE! EAT THEM NOT ME! EAT…"
"You can stop panicking now you worm!" The Baroness snapped. "We're away from the island!"
"Yes any chance you had to prove yourself a leader has long passed," Mindbender said sarcastically.
"Oh right," Cobra Commander calmly stood up. "Got ourselves out of that one didn't we?"
"Yeah we did," Destro came on deck. He had stopped the boat in the middle of the ocean. "No thanks to you!"
"Way to go Destro!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "You brought us to an island where we were nearly eaten by our own creations!"
"You are never happy are you?" Destro gave him a look.
"I haven't been happy since I first met you lot!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"The feeling is mutual," Destro growled. "Besides this isn't my fault!"
"You got us shipwrecked on an island populated by cannibal dinosaurs!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How is that not your fault?"
"Technically they would have only been cannibals if they ate you Cobra Commander," Mindbender pointed out. "You know? You are a reptile. They're reptiles."
"Shut up Mindbender!" Destro snapped. "If anyone is to blame for that whole mess it's you!"
"How was it my fault?" Mindbender snapped. "Oh right I created the intelligent mutant fire breathing dinosaurs. Sorry. My bad."
"Yes but if I recall the whole incident correctly it was the Crimson Guard who set them loose in the first place!" The Baroness glared at the Twins.
"That's right! Now I remember!" Mindbender said. "It was your troops that set them free!"
"They didn't set them free! They just…" Tomax grimaced.
"Escaped," Xamot finished. "A little…"
"A little?! You just had to have another dinosaur rodeo didn't you?" Mindbender snapped. "I told you to keep your men away from the holding pens! But nooooooooooooo! You just had to get your kicks didn't you?"
"Look this is not productive!" Destro snapped.
"I agree! Everyone is to blame except for me of course," Cobra Commander nodded.
"What did I do?" The Baroness snapped.
"The point is…" Cobra Commander ignored her. "I shouldn't have let Destro chart our course. From now on I am taking the helm and piloting this ship!"
"Wasn't it your idea to go into that bar where the Joes were in the first place?" Mindbender asked.
"Shut it Mindbender," Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm going to get us out of here! It's clear that only my brilliant leadership will enable us to survive!" He stormed off to the bridge.
"Great. We're doomed," The Baroness groaned.
About three hours later…
"I can't believe you actually found something," Destro remarked as the Cobra ship sailed closer to another yacht.
"Oh Destro of little faith," Cobra Commander chuckled. "I told you that I would lead us and I have! Behold! I have delivered us to our salvation!"
"You found a party yacht, not the promised land," Destro grumbled.
"So what now?" Mindbender asked. "Do we just go over there and ask for help?"
"No, you fool! Cobra doesn't ask! We take!" Cobra Commander made a fist. "Grab your weapons and prepare to board!"
"So now we're pirates?" Xamot asked in a very dismissive tone.
"You and your brother used to be corporate raiders! Is there really a difference?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Other than the boat thing of course."
"He has a point," The Baroness shrugged. "Not like we haven't hijacked a ship before."
"Fine," Destro readied his laser pistol. "It's not like we have any ethics anyway."
"All right now let's keep this simple," Cobra Commander said. "We board the boat. I tell everyone to hand over their stuff. Yada, yada, yada…"
"We are familiar with hijacking procedure Cobra Commander," The Baroness rolled her eyes and readied her weapon.
"For some reason I have a bad feeling about this," Mindbender grumbled.
"It's not the high seas robbery part you have a problem with I take it?" Destro asked.
"Oh no I'm all for that," Mindbender said. "I just have a feeling that somehow this whole idea is going to backfire."
"Odds are it will," Destro said. "But since we have few other options…"
"Just shut up and follow my lead!" Cobra Commander snapped.
Not long afterwards…
"All right! Hands in the sky!" Cobra Commander threatened the passengers of the ship. "I am Cobra Commander and this vessel is now under the domain of COBRA!"
"Uh Commander…" Destro realized something.
Cobra Commander ignored him. "You are now within the coils of Cobra! Our fangs are sharp and…"
"Cobra Commander!" The Baroness said nervously.
"Not now, Baroness! I'm on a roll!" Cobra Commander hissed. "As I was saying our fangs are sharp and we will strike without mercy if you…"
"Commander!" Mindbender called out.
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped. Mindbender pointed. Cobra Commander looked up and saw a sign saying WELCOME LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENTS OF THE WORLD.
"Ohhhhh…" Cobra Commander gulped as he turned around to the sound of hundreds of clicking guns. The passengers of the ship were not amused.
"We were better off with the mutant dinosaurs," Destro grumbled as they prepared for a firefight.