Once upon a time there was a great lord named Barst. Lord Barst was everything any lady could want, and everything any man wished to be. With only one glance he could seduce the most beautiful women in the land and send peasants cowering in fear.
"Welcome to Walmart." An old woman slowly waved at Barst, her eyes blank and unblinking, her soul having been consumed by the horrors of Walmart decades ago. "Thank you for choosing Walmart Pharmacy for all your plague needs. Always low prices. Welcome to Walmart."
"... Right then. Where might the dragon eggs be?" Barst inquired.
"Save money. Live better. Save big now on your favorite torture devices. Thirty percent off your slayer equipment. Welcome to Walmart. Don't miss a single rollback or special offer. For money saving tips and ideas-"
"Direct me to the dragon eggs!" Barst demanded, his voice capturing the attention of all the women around.
The old lady's head tilted slightly as she worked to register his words. Then slowly she pointed in a random direction.
Barst scowled and whacked her with the mace, crushing her bones with ease and sending a stream of blood to the floor.
"Welcome to Walmart. Alagaesia's Super Center." she still told him. "You will NEVER LEAVE!"
"What?"
"Thanks for shopping Walmart. Always low prices."
By now Lord Barst had had enough of this peasantry, and he finished off her life with a second #BarstSmash. He then began his adventure through the giant marketplace and its cluttered stalls, navigating around shopping carts and strange people with their bratty, fiend kids running about and screaming. Oh, and the crying babies. No trip anywhere is complete without those awful beasts.
He wandered around for an hour, and muttered, "Oh, shit," before hurrying to get out of the magically refrigerated portion of the store. He had thought the dragon eggs might be there since the other eggs were, but this was not the case. But anyway, his annoyed distress came from spotting Morzan examining bottles of liquor.
The alcoholic sex addict turned around, spotting Barst just in time. "You!" He unsheathed a glimmering sword.
Barst looked over his shoulder and glared, "You."
"Do you know where the spaghettios are?" Morzan inquired darkly.
"That depends. Do you know where the dragon eggs are?" Barst countered, eyeing him with great suspicion and distaste. He slowly approached, and Morzan smirked.
"Maybe I do."
"Then I would suggest taking me to them, Morzan, or you will never find the spaghettios you seek. Do you desire such a wretched fate?"
"I do not." Morzan answered, setting down a bottle of vodka to claim later. He sheathed his blade and lead Barst deeper into the abyss where light became scarce and the words of the dead whispered through the air.
"I don't remember this place having an underground area." Barst stated while the two descended a decaying flight of wide stairs where spiders had made their homes betwixt the bars of the railing. From afar a sinister laugh echoed through the basement. More stalls were before them with no end in sight.
A pimply teenager moved to block their path, simply staring to the ceiling.
"What do you think you're doing, peasant? You're in our way!" Morzan stated.
"Dude. Like, whatever." the employee answered.
"Well, Walmart Slave, where are the dragon eggs?" Barst asked.
"Dude. Like, whatever." he repeated. "Whoa, man. You're-"
"Yes, it is I, Lord Barst! The one and only! The greatest warrior this land has ever known! Now submit to my question if you value your life, and give Lord Barst the answer he seeks!" Barst exclaimed.
"Whoa, man. You're that dude. That dude with the dragon." the boy told Morzan. "Hardcore."
Barst's jaw dropped in shock and anger. The teenager continued, "Can I like have your autograph or something?" He pulled from his pocket a pen and handed it to Morzan. Morzan shrugged and signed the boy's forehead.
"What about me!" Barst frowned heavily.
"Dude. Like, whatever." the boy answered and began to wander away. He took only a few steps before Barst assaulted his head with the already bloodied mace. "Here, have my autograph too!"
His last words were, "Dude, like wh-"
"Must you murder my fans?" Morzan asked.
"Shut up, jackass, and take me to the eggs."
So they carried on, and minutes felt like hours until the hours felt like minutes.
"Do you or do you not know where the eggs are?" Barst snapped at Morzan.
"Oh, I don't, I'm just looking for hookers. I thought we'd stumble upon dragon eggs during the process, then I would get my spaghettios."
"What? You- oh, I hate you!" Barst shouted.
"Oh, look at that, I found the eggs." Morzan pointed to a booth. Barst pushed him aside and strode to a table where an elf argued with the seller.
"What do you mean they're your eggs? Where did you get them? You can't sell dragon eggs! What is wrong with you? I demand you hand them over right this instant, or else you will be subjected-"
"I require a dragon egg." Barst stated. Arya spun around and fell silent, her eyes wide.
"It's alright, I make many girls speechless." Barst stated while she struggled to find any words.
"You… I thought… I thought you were dead…"
Barst stepped closer to comb his fingers through her dark hair. "You thought wrong."
"And… And Morzan? What… I don't…" She shook her head and tried to pull away from him, but her feet just would not work well enough as his scent overwhelmed her heart and mind.
"Kiss me."
"What?" She took a step backward, but her back soon was pressed to a wall.
Barst closed the distance between them. He placed one hand on her jaw line and the other on her hip. "Look at me, Arya… You cannot say no to this." He brushed his lips over hers, and she became lost in his eyes. Before she could stop herself, her hands rested on his abs. She slowly slid them up his torso until they met his shoulders, and she desperately pressed her lips to his, her eyes closing soon afterward.
"I'll be back. Going to go get some popcorn." Morzan stated and walked off.
Barst wrapped his arms around Arya, and her lips soon parted for his tongue to enter and dominate her mouth, little moans emitting. She reached for one of his hands and pressed it to her breast. He smirked into her lips, massaging her flesh.
She gave a small, bewildered gasp when he slid his hand down to slip under her green tunic and back up to her breast, grasping and kneading. She mumbled his name while he kissed along her jaw and neck. She blushed deeply, and he returned to her lips before stepping back to pull off her tunic and discard it to the floor, next pinning her to the wall.
"O-oh… Lord Barst…" she whispered when his warm mouth met her pale breast.
By the time Morzan returned with popcorn, vodka, and cigarettes, Barst and Arya were on the floor ridding themselves of their last articles of clothing.
"Tell your master how much you want him." Barst demanded, kissing her deeply before allowing her to speak and moving on top of her to grind his hips into hers, pushing her to the floor.
"Oh, Master.." Arya, her heart ablaze, paused to kiss him again then continued, "I want you, need you… Please, I am nothing but desperate for you."
Barst groaned happily and without further hesitation slammed his cock into her vagina while she kissed him vehemently.
He moved harder and harder against her, almost lifting her off the ground with his thrusts. "Mmmm... What a good elf..." He groaned, moving inside of her as if he were angry with her. But in truth, he wanted her to want nothing more than his cock forever.
Arya gave him many compliments while she writhed beneath him and called out his name, her body and soul completely his as she was becoming thoroughly addicted to him. Soon though, she was exhausted and laid there passively in bliss. "Lord Barst, I love you."
He thrust into her for a good while before he came, and the tired queen remained on the floor for a bit, waiting for her heart to slow down. When it did, her vision shifted to the source of some sobs after someone had approached.
"Eragon!" Her eyes widened, and his crying became louder.
"Want some popcorn?" Morzan asked his stepson. Sharing popcorn would be fine, but he was not giving away his vodka to Selena's bastard brat.
"Why, Arya? Why would you do this to me?" Eragon asked among heavy sobs, bringing his hands to cover his face as he wept.
"You… You were supposed to be out of Alagaesia…" she said while quickly gathering her clothes to put on, despite the fact all this was happening in Walmart anyway.
"I… was wanting to come visit you… Oh, Arya, you… why…?" Eragon dramatically fell to his knees. "Why him? I love you… Oh, my heart, how it does so break and shatter, scarring my soul and bringing such torment and misery!"
"I'm sorry, Eragon, but I love Lord Barst. You're so sweet, but… But Barst is a real man. Please understand? He's so godly. And you're… Oh, Eragon, you're a nice boy, really. But that's what you are- a boy."
Eragon could barely hear her over his sobs, but he did, and he ran out, his heart utterly defeated and his life ruined. Once he was up the stairs and out of the strange basement… dungeon type place, his pace slowed to a walk while he mourned his lost love and wandered through Walmart, sniffing and crying. Then on an aisle full of ramen, he spotted Murtagh!
"Murtagh! What are you doing here? I thought you went north?" Eragon asked, drying his eyes with the heroic cape he was wearing.
"Oh. Hey, Eragon. Yeah, I did, but then I was craving ramen. So I came here. What do you think, chicken or beef? You know what, I'll get all the flavors. I'm living on the edge." He dumped dozens of ramen packages into his shopping cart, then turned to look at Eragon with indifference.
"Oh. I prefer cup ramen." Eragon stated.
"I don't." Murtagh responded.
There was an awkward pause that was interrupted by Eragon tackling Murtagh.
"What!" Murtagh pushed him off and scrambled to his feet, unsheathing Zar'roc and giving Eragon a strange look of confusion and offense.
"Murtagh! I love you!" Eragon proclaimed. "You're so dark and mysterious! And… Oh, you're so hot. Won't you be my boyfriend? Arya found someone else, and now… Now I'm so alone! Well, I was alone already, but now I'm more alone! My dreams have been crushed, Murtagh! CRUSHED!" he explained, moving his hands around a lot as he spoke.
"I'm not gay, Eragon!" Murtagh exclaimed.
"You don't have to be gay! Just my boyfriend!" Eragon pleaded.
"That makes no sense!" Murtagh shouted.
"Hey, I've been looking for that. Thanks, worthless son of mine." Morzan pulled Zar'roc out of Murtagh's grasp and walked off. He had popcorn, vodka, cigarettes, free porn, spaghettios, and now Zar'roc. It was a good day.
"Fuck my life." Murtagh threw another package of ramen into his shopping cart. When Eragon stepped to him, he scowled and moved away. "Stay away from me, you little herpderp creep!"
"Murtagh, please! Let me love you! I'll do anything you want. Oh, please? Murtagh… I love you…"
"First of all, as I've already told you, I'm not gay. Second of all, you're my brother! You disgust me!"
"Half-brother! And I really don't think that matters. Love is love!"
Murtagh glared at him and stated, "I think you've been around the hippie elves too much."
"I could give you a blowjob!" Eragon blurted out, causing some lady down the aisle to frown deeply and cover her child's ears, walking away quickly.
Murtagh closed his eyes and facepalmed. Maybe if he allowed this, Eragon would leave him alone afterward and go away. Then he would never have to deal with him again. He could buy his ramen and go back to Antarctica, and all would be well again. Or as well as his horrible, emo life could be.
Eragon's eyes lit up, and he spoke the Word. He crafted a spell to make the two of them invisible to all others, and he grabbed Murtagh's hands. One of Murtagh's eyelids kept twitching while Eragon crashed his lips into his and held his hands tightly, so thrilled to finally kiss someone. When he pulled back and sighed happily, he sat down and waited for Murtagh to do so.
Wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand, Murtagh reluctantly moved to the floor, and Eragon was immediately on his lap, massaging his crotch and gazing into his eyes.
"Did Nasuada do this?" he asked.
"No. I don't like being touched." Murtagh grumbled.
"You're so unsocial. It's so hot." Eragon told him and giggled. He then sighed, kissed him again, and said softly, "I just want to make someone happy…"
"You're so embarrassing…" Murtagh muttered while Eragon hugged him. He pulled off Murtagh's Green Day shirt, resulting in him rolling his eyes as Eragon touched his chest and kissed his stomach lovingly. He began to serenade him while admiring his torso, "I know we're gonna get... know we're gonna get, get, bombastic love, so fantastic, where I'm completely yours, and you are mine. And it's gonna be exactly like in a moviewhen we fall in love for the first time."
"Must you sing?" Murtagh asked.
"Oh, yes! Only for you!" Eragon licked up Murtagh's chest to his collarbone, making him shudder and mumble, "Someone kill me."
"All I ever wanted was you, my love! You're all I ever wanted-"
"What about Arya?" Murtagh asked. Eragon frowned and pulled on his hair, "How dare you bring her up! You're so hurtful! Stop it, Murtagh!" he exclaimed then continued his singing, "I never felt so in love before! Promise baby, you'll love me forevermore. I swear I'm keeping you satisfied, 'cause you're the one for me; the way you make me feel! You really turn me on! You knock me off my feet! My lonely days are gone! AH!" he screamed when looking behind himself and seeing Morzan.
"Bring it. So unphased, hope you swim or drown in my gaze, breathe with ease no movement wasted, step in the path of my jutsu sacred. How speedy you dodge a shruriken means you can talk without speaking. No challenge only start me when you learn ripples of a butterfly's heart beat. Show me who bears resemblance to the Senju clan and its descendants. Your skills were meant for something like the tenth ninja war I am funding. Sharingan with the mangekyou opens a badass time jutsu. Darkest soul my heart so cold-"
"Morzan! Go away! And wrong fandom!" Eragon exclaimed. He continued while walking off again, "As they now fall in position they consider me an S-rank mission. Baka… I'm worse than that, imagine my use of a blade of grass. Hunt solo I blitz on the surface, I'm on a mission, fueled by a purpose. Suddenly something surprising, death silhouettes on the horizon, plunge a kunai into my own thigh, lunge at the slow shinobi's sempai. Limbs get flung, here is the drama, split oxygen, I drag my katana. On my ace I stand my ground, I buried them six fathoms down. Motion swift as an eagle, on my worst day I am still lethal…"
Eragon sighed. "Your dad's so weird, Murtagh."
"Really. I had no idea. Thanks for clearing that up."
Eragon smiled and returned to his singing, "I am your joy, your best of joy. I am the moonlight, you are the spring, our lives a sacred thing. I am forever, I am forever, we are forever, we are forever, I am your friend through thick and thin, we need each other, we'll never part, our love is from the heart. I'll do anything in this world for you. I'll push it to the limit to the max to the ends of the Earth ain't nothing I won't do. Make every single wish come true. I'll take it to the edge of the universe, givin all I could, you know that I would."
"Are you quite finished?" Murtagh asked, his irritation rising.
"Oh, I guess so." Eragon answered and kissed him. He gently chewed on his lip while running his hands over Murtagh's sides. They lingered on his thighs before grasping his pants and pulling them down enough to reveal his man area. While he kissed down to his penis, Murtagh nearly threw up. This was absolute torture, and a part of him wanted to have Thorn come eat Eragon
"You're so big, Murtagh." Eragon whispered and giggled, dragging his fingernails along Murtagh's shaft and making him cringe. "Why do you act like this, love? You're getting so hard… But you act so distressed… It's okay though; I know you want it."
"I don't want anything!" Murtagh exclaimed. "You- aghh…ah…" He bit his lip as Eragon leaned over to bring his cock into his mouth.
"Mm…" Eragon dug his fingernails into Murtagh's hips while he sucked, his eyes closed and heart racing. One of his hands grabbed Murtagh's, lacing his fingers into his.
When pulled back to smile up at him, he asked, "How much do you masturbate, Murtagh?" He stroked the back of his cock while placing kisses all over the front.
"That's none of your damn business!"
"I think it is, Boyfriend." Eragon disagreed while refusing to let Murtagh pull his hand away. "Can I lick your back scar?"
"What?"
"You heard me, baby."
"No! I-"
"Too bad! Stop playing hard to get. Now turn around!" Eragon grabbed his shoulder and pushed him down. He flipped him over and held him down to kiss and lick the long scar.
"I'm going to kill you…"
"Oh, Boyfriend! You're so kinky. I love it." Eragon told him, reaching around to rub his cock while sucking on the scar.
Murtagh shuddered and crossed his arms under his face. "Daddy, help me…" he muttered in defeat.
"What was that? Did you mutter something?" Eragon asked, moving up to suck on Murtagh's neck beneath his beautiful hair.
"No, nothing…"
Eragon hugged him tightly then flipped him onto his back again, moving down his body to suck on his cock again. Murtagh touched the dark red mark on his neck and sighed, staring to the ceiling.
"I love you…Boyfriend…" Eragon stated between hard licks. "Please… Moan for me… Your voice is so beautiful…" He gently squeezed him, and Murtagh softly groaned, his gorgeous face becoming a lovely red.
Eragon grinned and rapidly stroked him for a few moments before he began deepthroating and rubbing his thighs, his endeavors encouraged by the taste of Murtagh's pre-cum.
Murtagh's mind was full of horror and confusion; a part of him wanted to run away screaming, but another part wanted to moan and writhe. How could he feel so many things at once? Humiliation, need, anger, pleasure… He hissed as Eragon left fingernail sized imprints as he scraped down his sides, and soon his control was gone and his moans rang out. He pulled on Eragon's hair, and the younger male made a soft purring sound. The force of his sucking increased when Murtagh growled out his name, a wonderful sound that made his own cock ache and his soul mend.
Murtagh closed his eyes, and he gave a deep moan while reaching his orgasm. Eragon made a brief gagging sound then consumed the fluids, incredibly happy with his work and the gift of Murtagh's semen.
Eragon soon crawled up to lie on Murtagh's chest and hug him. "I love you, Boyfriend." He did not seem to notice Murtagh made no reply to that. He sighed, "Oh, Murtagh… I will love you forever."
"I would like to purchase my ramen and leave." Murtagh stated after five minutes of resting as Eragon snuggled against him and released the invisibility spell.
"… What? Oh, where are we going?" Eragon inquired.
"I don't know where you're going, but Thorn and I are going back to Antarctica."
"Oh, I guess I can go." Eragon decided.
"I'm not inviting you, Eragon! I want to be alone with Thorn." Murtagh stated and pushed him off. He adjusted his pants and stood, jumping when Eragon rose and grabbed his arm.
"Murtagh, no! You don't have to be emo! You could be cool! Like me!" He kissed his hand and continued tearfully, "Please… Please don't leave me! I love you, Boyfriend!"
"Let go of me, Eragon. I've had enough of this place and your insanity, and Thorn misses me." Murtagh pulled his hand out of his grasp, put his shirt on, and grabbed his shopping cart, throwing two more packages of ramen into it and departing towards the front of the store.
Eragon fell to his knees, trembling as his heart ached and soul dimmed. "Murtagh…" he whispered and covered his face with his hands. He sat there for many minutes crying before rising and walking off, his eyes on the floor and his steps slow.
He heard a sigh and looked up and to the side as a man examined a rack of different socks.
"Do I want crew… or ankle…" he pondered. He looked over his shoulder and smiled, "Ah, Eragon!" The smile quickly faded and he asked, "What's wrong?"
Eragon sniffed hard and rubbed his eyes. "My boyfriend left me! Please, you've got to help me. It's not fair. Why, Chris? Why?"
Christopher Paolini patted Eragon's shoulder. "Because."
"Because…?"
Chris nodded, "Because."
"I just want love! Is that too much to ask?"
"I'm afraid so, Eragon. It's just the way it is. You should be training future dragon riders!" Chris told him excitedly. "Oh, boy, what an adventure. Also, I'm up for author of the year. Don't forget to vote for the Children's Choice Book Awards. Oh, and an editing tip: if you're struggling with a section, sometimes you need to expand what's there, not cut. You can always chop it down again."
"Christopher, I don't want writing or editing help! I want someone to love me."
Christopher sighed and shook his head, dropping a package of white crew socks into his shopping cart. His other items included some books, pliars, meat, and boxes of tea. "That's just too bad, Eragon." He pushed his glasses up.
"Why do you hate love so much?"
Before Mr. Paolini could answer, Eragon was smacked in the head with a roll of paper towels.
"Oww! Heyy!" Eragon turned around to face Nasuada, and Murtagh was standing behind her. "What was that for?"
"For being an idiot!" Nasuada answered. She started removing her earrings and told Murtagh, "Take my earrings, Murtagh, it's gonna go down."
"M-Murtagh!" Eragon rushed to embrace him, and Nasuada pulled him back to drop kick him.
"YO, BITCH, BACK UP OFF MY MAN!" she exclaimed.
"C-Chris! Christopher, help me!" Eragon cried out, and Nasuada tackled him.
Mr. Paolini chuckled, "No can do, Eragon. I have an interview to get to in half an hour. And now I have new socks for it! Wish me luck. Oh, wait. I don't need luck. I'm me."
Nasuada gasped. "This hoe done ripped out my weave! My weave!"
Eragon screeched and threw the weave in a random direction. He wiggled out of Nasuada's grasp and crawled to latch onto Paolini's foot while Nasuada proceeded to whack him with the roll of paper towels. "Save me, Mr. Paolini! Don't you love me anymore? Don't-" Eragon froze. Not because he realized the weapon he was being beaten with did not hurt, but because a brilliant idea struck him. He jumped up to punch Nasuada, then grabbed Chris and held his hands. "You can love me, Chris! Oh, won't you?"
"What?"
"Please love me!" Eragon embraced him, then Christopher shoved him away, grabbed his socks, and ran. "Mr. Paolini!" he called, "You forgot your books, meat, pliars, and tea!" Meanwhile, Murtagh tried to get away from Nasuada.
"You can have them!" Christopher exclaimed. On his way out to pay for his socks, he stood in line behind Lord Barst and Arya. "Oh! Lord Barst! Fancy seeing you here."
Barst, holding his black dragon egg, turned around to arch an eyebrow at Chris. The author reached up to high five him, and Barst knocked his glasses off. "Hey, Nerdface."
Christopher caught the glasses with his elite agility, but frowned as he put them back on. "What are- hey! You can't have a dragon egg!"
"Ohh, yes, I can. And I've got this hot babe too." He smacked Arya's butt.
Soon Morzan and King Galbatorix walked over!
"Uhm… You guys are dead." Christopher stated.
Galbatorix gave him the Look, and he went to find another line to stand in.
"Now that I've got the Empire up and running again-"
"Welcome back from your teleportation magic."
Galbatorix nodded to Barst and continued, "I'm giving you a promotion. I'm sure you'll make a fine dragon Rider, and an even better king. Just not better than me. Therefore, I grant you half of Alagaesia!"
"And Ellesmera. If you want it, Love..." Arya told Barst.
Barst smirked, already fantasizing of what he would do with Barstland. Or Barstia.
"Whoa, whoa, wait. What the fuck about me?" Morzan asked and threw an empty vodka bottle in protest.
"What about you?" Galbatorix asked.
"I should have my own country too, damn it! Fuck you."
"Morzan. You haven't been completely sober in over a century."
"So?"
"So you can't rule a country."
"And why the fuck not?"
"Because I said so." Galbatorix answered and went off to find Eragon and lock him in the Walmart dungeon for eternity for being naughty.
And that is the story of Morzan's acquisition of popcorn, spaghettios, vodka, cigarettes, porn, and Zar'roc, Arya's acquisition of a real man, Barst's acquisition of an elf, a dragon, and a country, Murtagh's acquisition of a blow job and tons of ramen, Christopher Paolini's acquisition of socks, and Eragon's acquisition of heartbreak.
It was just another day for Lord Barst.