- the first time -
It's a cold day in October the first time. It's only a few weeks after Danny's funeral and they're both far too alone. Neither of them think about it, is just happens, evolving out of friendship that sprung out of hardship.
He's writing a sermon and she's sitting opposite him, warming herself by the fire, both of them finding comfort in the silent presence of the other. It's not the first time they've done this and it won't be the last but for some reason this time is different.
They talk for a little while when he's finished, but their conversation never steps a foot into the dark, never crossing the line because neither of them need more sadness and depression in their lives after the events of the last few months.
She says something. He reaches out a hand.
That's all it takes.
..
- the second time –
Becca never thought it would happen again – that it was a one-time-thing, never to be repeated – but it's not. They can't stay away from each other and a few days later, they share his single bed again, both feeling guilty as sin because he's a vicar and she shouldn't be there.
They lie in silence afterwards, just holding each other, because in the darkest of times, you always need someone to hold and it just so happens they found each other. She can tell he wants to speak, talk about what's happening between them, but she doesn't give him a chance, slipping out of his home before he can say a word and creeping away under the stars in the dark winter night.
They don't talk about it the next day. Or the one after that.
Becca promises herself it won't happen again.
She's too weak to keep it.
..
- the third time –
He's sitting on the bench in the churchyard when she finds him. She just sits next to him. They don't talk, but after five minutes, her hand slips into his.
Because how can something so wrong feel so right? She knows it's a cliché but it's the truth. They sit holding hands until someone walks past and they both flinch away and it just goes to show Becca that she shouldn't be here. She doesn't move.
In the end, they go back to the hotel and spend the night in a room together. It's more comfortable than Paul's single bed, but it feels much more real, much more like commitment that by the time he's pulling on his shirt, Becca's shaking and she doesn't know why.
He sneaks out the back door and she's left all alone to wonder why their doing this to themselves – it's only going to end one way, because whether they like it or not, Paul has his God and she has no one. They would never work, not really – so who are they kidding with all this sneaking around and sharing single beds?
And yet, even with this realisation, she knows that the next time he comes knocking, she won't be able to say no.
..
- the fourth time –
They manage to last six weeks, and then someone sets fire to the hut where Danny Latimer was murdered and the darkness hits them again like twin brick walls. Paul's busy talking to Beth and Mark, trying to save the marriage Becca nearly ruined, whilst she's caught up in a spiral of grief – because what would have happened if she hadn't accepted Mark's offer of a good time? Would he have checked in on his son, realised he was missing and raised the alarm earlier? Would Danny have died? Becca knows it's cruel, it's wrong of her to think this way, because she didn't even know Danny, not well, not like his parents – his poor, grieving parents – and yet the guilt doesn't go away.
It's the guilt that drives her back to him, because she knows he'll understand and he won't judge.
And he doesn't. She confides her deepest fears to him and he just sits and listens, just like she wanted him to.
She cries.
He can't stop himself from holding her.
It's his bed again this time.
..
- the fifth time –
It's the fifth time she realises she doesn't want him to go when the sun comes up. She watches him sleep, the sunlight bleeding in through the curtains and she thinks to herself 'damn his God, damn it all, I want you' and she knows that despite the fact she shouldn't be here, she will always end up here. It made only have been a few months, but she needs him.
She realises that even if it was born out of darkness it has now become the soul light in her life. She can't let him go, not again.
So when he wakes up, she kisses him and, with the sun blinking down on them, Becca asks him to stay.
They both know what it means. He stares up at her.
Then he says yes.
It may be the fifth time but it's the first time when they finally accept it and what it is.
It's the start of love.
..