Disclaimer: I do not own anything
Authors Note: Just in case you're reading this a year from now, this story was/is written between the events of the 6th and 7th book. And lets just pretend that Ron watches South Park, so he knows the terminology.
Harry sat anxiously under the blinding studio lights, facing a sea of expectant faces. Suddenly jaunty music blared out from the speakers and Romilda Vane flounced out on stage to a cheering audience.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have with us a very special guest today, as you can see. He is the Boy Who Lived, The Fourth Champion, The Chosen One... MR. HARRY POTTER!" She roared into the microphone.
Harry gave a nervous grin and a wave. The girls in the audience screamed and clasped their hands together, while Romilda struggled not to faint herself.
"Now this sexy stud muffin seems to have it all," she continued, despite being distracted by her fluttering heart. "Looks, intellect, charm. BUT he has a problem…. A friendship problem."
The audience gasped and became (if possible) even more attentive.
"His two best friends, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger continue to make his life miserable by their constant bickering that they bombard each other with. But tonight folks... tonight it's for entertainment purposes!" Romilda grinned.
Harry's palms were sweaty. Why on earth had he agreed to this?
"Just ten minutes ago backstage, Harry described Ron as a (and I quote) 'pompous dickhead who always thinks he's right despite being bummed out every five minutes."
"What?" asked Harry alarmed. "I never said th-"
"He also describes Miss Granger as a "bossy know-it-all in the middle of a sixteen year long huff… and that's censored down quite a lot folks!"
"But I never said any of that!" protested Harry. "I-"
"Shut up, the audience loves a good scandal. Ruin this and you won't be getting any from me tonight," hissed Romilda in an undertone. Harry shut up. At this rate he wasn't going to be getting any from anyone else. Except from strangers, of course. He and Ginny were having a bit of a tiff at the moment.
"And now to bring out... Ron and Hermione!" shouted Romilda excitedly. The audience cheered as they came out and sat down on seats next to Harry. Neither looked particularly pleased.
"Lets get down to business," ordered Romilda. "Hermione, what do you DETEST about Ron?"
"OH, where to BEGIN?" asked Hermione dramatically, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. "Well, it doesn't matter if the evidence is staring Ronald straight in the freckled face, he HAS to tell everyone that Snape's the villain and that he's ALWAYS right. GOSH."
"What the hell are you smoking, you nutter?" sneered Ron. "Snape WAS the villain! He murdered Dumbledore-"
Harry burst into tears.
"-He made up deadly curses and he was the Half Blood Prince all along!"
"You jerk! YOU were the one convinced that the Half Blood Prince was a saint!" snapped Hermione angrily. "Honestly…"
"Don't call me a jerk, you slut!" snapped Ron.
"Fine then, ASSHOLE!" snarled Hermione.
"NERD!" shouted Ron.
"ARSE FRECKLES!" yelled Hermione.
"BOOFY-HAIRED BITCH!" bellowed Ron.
"DAYWALKER!" screamed Hermione.
There was a collective gasp from the audience and a lot of boo's. Ron gave Hermione a teary glare before shuffling closer to the still sobbing Harry, who out his arms around him. Ron sniffed, enveloped comfortably in Harry's arms. The audience was taken aback, and watched in shocked silence.
"OI! BREAK UP THAT MANHUG!" ordered Romilda, signalling to some security guards who ran forwards and poked Harry and Ron apart with broomsticks.
"HOMOPHOBE!" yelled a young witch with a skinhead in the audience. "I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, Vane!"
The audience roared its approval.
"I am NOT a homophobe!" argued Romilda. "But we're all waiting for Ron and Hermione to get together and there have been way too many obstacles in the way! Harry was one just then!"
A jet of green light came shooting at her from the audience, narrowly missing her head.
"Weasley can have whoever he wants!" shouted Skinhead. "You're just being a little shit because you want Harry for yourself, you Chocolate-Poisoner!"
The audience let out a deafening cheer and a few stunned the security guards attempting to drag out Skinhead.
"HANG ON!" shouted Hermione over the noise. "Who says I fancy Ron anyway! He's so annoying! And pompous! And lanky! And-"
Ron looked at her.
"A-and he has such deep blue eyes," faltered Hermione. "And he truly, deeply cares about people. And is the best friend anyone could ever have…"
The audience let out a soft 'aww'.
"But I want more than that!" cried Hermione, throwing herself at a startled Ron. "I love you! Please… Please say… that you feel the same…" her voice broke.
"Uh… yeah… sure I-I guess," stammered Ron awkwardly.
The audience screamed excitedly as Hermione snogged him. However their screams of excitement quickly turned into screams of disgust as the kiss began to look more and more like the one from Date Movie where Julia showed Hitch her kissing technique…
Harry, who had mopped up his tears a while ago, suddenly started bawling again.
"It's about time you two! That was so sweet! Ginny never says anything like that to me!" he howled, blinking furiously.
"Oh, shut up Harry!" complained Ron, extracting himself from Hermione's clutches. "All you do is cry! It's so annoying! For the person who's meant to defeat You-Know-Who, you're one little girl!"
The audience booed loudly and Romilda felt rage well up inside her at the sound of Harry's shaky gasp.
"Shut up, you!" snapped Romilda. "He's just showing his sensitive side. It means he's not a DICKHEAD."
"Don't you talk to my Won-Won like that, bitch!" shouted Hermione. There was a flash of red light and once again, Romilda felt a curse shoot past her face, missing her by inches.
"Get off my stage!" yelled Romilda, withdrawing her wand. "I'm the star of the show, not you!"
"Hermione! Romilda! Can't we all just talk this out?" begged Harry.
"Wipe your eyes, princess," smirked Ron.
"Never!" shouted Harry defiantly. 'They look better sparkly!"
"Don't tell Harry what he can and can't do!" barked Romilda at Ron, stunning him with a well-aimed spell.
"Why you little –" began Hermione, only to be hit by a curse a split second later.
"NOOO! My friends! My friends!" snivelled Harry, tears streaming from his eyes.
"Quit rolling!" Romilda commanded the cameramen. "Leave this at its peak!"
Expertly ducking a killing curse, she turned to the camera. "Tune in next week to discover the aftermath of this fight! Will Harry ever stop crying? Will Ron and Bitchface stay together? Would Ginny win in a duel to the death against me? Find out! On The Romilda Vane Show!"
The End.
Authors Note: Baha! Sorry about that. I don't live in America so have never actually watched The Jerry Springer Show. I just figured that you get friends confronting each other, etc?? Plus it's my first fanfic... so FLAMES WELCOME! Tell me what I need to improve, where bad grammar is, etc. So long as it's not completely unfair. I wrote this story with a friend, so it's a bit random. Wasn't sure how to end it. I'll shush now. Review people!
Oh… and have a good day