Sometime Allen just couldn't understand people. They were selfish and greedy. Doing anything and everything they can do get what they want.
As Allen was locked in the Order's basement, he couldn't help but let the many thoughts he pushed at the back of his mind resurface. He thought back to when he was called Red, a bratty little kid who wanted nothing more than to grow up. He wanted to be strong and independent so he never had to depend on anyone. All the people Red had seen through his short life, he could never understand any of them. They all were greedy, selfish, and hated anything they thought of as wrong, anything they didn't consider normal.
Then one fateful day, he had met Mana Walker. Out of all the people Red had seen, no one of them was like Mana. Mana was strange. Sometimes a bit too nice and a bit too distant but he was still different. He took Red in and gave him a name. Something not even Red's parents had the courtesy to give.
When Mana died, Allen was broken. He sat at Mana's grave to days, not caring to eat let alone move. He sat there in his own world, unsure if what he was living was real.
He wondered if he would still be here tomorrow. Would he live through the night? He didn't want to live on…
What was it that he felt? Hurt? Sad? Allen didn't know nor did he care anymore. He no longer wished to go anywhere without Mana.
When Allen turned Mana into an Akuma, he was ready to die. He didn't care, as long as he never had to suffer again. He lived without anything. Not a name, no parents, no family, no friends. Nothing. He had finally gotten something to live for. Mana. And even he was taken from Allen. Not once but twice.
When Cross had come to Allen, he honestly had lost the will to live and it stayed that way for a long, long time.
Cross, Allen had later learned, was just as greedy as the other people. Not really caring for the well-being of others as long as he got his wine and ladies. Greedy, selfish, self-centred. Those were a few ways Cross could be described. However, sometimes, it was questionable to what Cross was doing. Was this his way of making Allen grow up? To defend himself?
Going to the Order had been a though Allen had constantly thought about. What would it be like? Would he like it? Are there people like him there? Did they see the suffering Akuma went through?
When Cross knocked him out with a hammer, he intended to find out. However, the climb up the cliff had been too much more difficult for Allen than it should have been. Not so much physically but mentally, he was torn on what to expect. Apparently, they really didn't trust anyone much, assuming he was an Akuma as soon as he stood in front of the door.
Kanda always seemed resentful. Allen never understood why but he could tell Kanda was unsettled by something. He would always go on missions and didn't care for any other life besides his. This lead Allen to believe that he had a certain goal in mind that could be better accomplished as an exorcist. That, or he was just felt like it.
Lavi was always smiling, but even Allen knew all his smiles were fake, nothing but an illusion. After everything is said and done, Lavi would leave and all his experiences would be nothing but forgotten memories.
Lenalee was kind, but it she would probably forget Allen after a while, brushing him off as someone she couldn't save. She would probably be fine as long as she had her brother.
Allen sat in the basement, thinking. He was now the enemy.
He wondered if he could forget everything, live his life again. If his bleeding heart could vanish and he could live free without the guilt that would take over if he let. However, he knew it wasn't that easy. Nothing was that easy.
If he gets replaced by the fourteenth, Allen would cease to exist. Slip into the once small cracks of insanity with nothing to prove all the pain and agony he went through. He wouldn't know who he was or what he was, forever uncertain. But-
Maybe everything's a dream. Maybe nothing was ever real. One day, he would wake up to see that everything had not existed.
He was tired of all the pain that surrounded him, all the misery that followed him. Even when he never showed it to anyone, keeping up his mask. A perfect mask made from myriads of lies.
He followed the orders given to him. Not really questioning why. All he cared for was the Akuma souls he freed. He never intended to get attached to the people here.
If he left the order now, he could never come back because everything would change. They would all think he sold them out to the Noah. As if he would ever…
Someone, as broken as him, would never be accepted.
Allen did everything he could. Anything anyone asked of him. In the end, they all threw him away.
If he still could do anything more, he would ultimately fall apart until there's nothing of him left.
I am procrastinating. The idea just randomly came to me so I wore it down. Hope you like it~