All characters belong to Takanaga Hinako.
Okay, so for this story, Souichi and Morinaga had been dating for a while. Like, serious dating. I have their whole future planned out (but that is for another author's rant), and while I was planning, I thought, Hmm, would they want children? And I guess I was a little surprised when I came to the conclusion that A) yes, they would want kids and B) Souichi would want them the most.
To me, he comes off as incredibly caring. He likes to take care of people, and feels its his responsibility. Under all that armor is a really different person. So I think he'd be totally crushed to realize that he couldnt have children with the person he really loved.
This is a particularly sad topic to me. I got really depressed and stopped writing it for a while. I even cried a little (which is stupid, because Im too young to have children anyways). And I know-if it makes you cry, you really shouldnt write. But no...I dont agree with that. It's the emotion that makes a story so good, and if Im emotional while writing it...
And I also know this might offend some people. Im truly sorry for that. I wont object if you ask me to take it down. But I did want to post this, just to get some opinions on the subject. Sorry if it's OOC. But I do have a part 2 and 3 coming.
Souichi was lying in the dark. His glasses were off and his hair was loose. His face was colorless and still wet with tears, though he had stopped crying some time ago.
Never, he thought, letting the pain settle again.
He had been locked in his room for about three days now—or was it four? He wasn't counting—and couldn't bring himself to come out. Tetsuhiro was taking care of the experiments at school so he didn't have to worry about another failure.
Never. The word seemed to haunt his thoughts now, ghosting around and finding its way into everything. Every memory, every experience, every thought of the future, all of it was clouded with Never.
A small knock at his door jerked him out of his thoughts, though only for a second. He rolled over on his back and sighed before calling for Tetsuhiro to enter. He was carrying a tray with a bowl and a glass on it. More food, although he didn't eat anything from the last two trays. It felt like he didn't get hungry at all these days, and when he did, he couldn't eat more than a few bites before the depression would force it up again. He knew that made Tetsuhiro worry, could see it on his face. He had always been able to read the younger man like a book. Lately he had been trying to hide it, and did it considerably well, until he closed the door. Souichi could hear him sob on the other side. That made it worse. Tetsuhiro was suffering too.
Never, Never, Never.
He didn't think he would ever want children. His whole life was planned around his research or his family, but he had never really given that much thought to starting his own. As an average expectation, he imagined that one day he would meet a woman, fall in love, get married, and have kids. However, the moment he realized just how he felt about Tetsuhiro, all of that shattered. It didn't take long after the realization for him to give in to the younger student. He had accepted the spike in Tetsuhiro's affection, the fact that they slept in one bed now, waking up next to him every day. He had accepted the lovemaking; the sweet whispers in his ear, the almost constant connection between them. He had even accepted that he needed Tetsuhiro too, craved him, really, really loved him. But he expected that to be the end to it. It would be selfish to want more than he already had and yet…
He couldn't have children. Not with Tetsuhiro. Not with the person he loved. He could never have them. It hurt to think about that. The trigger itself was in one rain-filled afternoon. They had been visiting Matsuda, and Kanako buzzed in his ear about how happy she was that they were "official". Gosh, when did she start using words like that? She was asking Tetsuhiro if they were going get married, or if they planned on getting a puppy or something. A puppy? When he had asked, Kanako frowned in sympathy.
"Because you guys can never have children of your own…"
Matsuda scolded Kanako for her insensitivity, but Souichi swallowed and waved it off, ignoring the continuing conversation on what kind of animal to get. Realization dawned on him. He had been taking care of others most of his life. With the death of his mother came the responsibility, and although it took a while to learn how to care for kids—especially since he was practically one himself—he started to enjoy it. Now Kanako was almost sixteen and he pretty much had an empty nest. So as a natural reasoning, he wanted to fill it again.
But he couldn't. Neither he nor his lover could have children if they chose each other, and they did. He breathed another heavy sigh.
"Souichi?" Tetsuhiro called attentively. They had been dating for a little more than two years now and Tetsuhiro was still nervous about using his first name. "Are you hungry?"
He watched with heavy-lidded, dark-circled eyes as his lover brought the tray over to the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. He knew what this was doing to him. He knew that Tetsuhiro was hurt just because he was, but he was so depressed and couldn't find the will to comfort him.
"It's been a few hours since you've tried to eat anything. I brought something light and a glass of water in case you can't keep it down. I don't want you to get sick again." His fingers lightly brushed Souichi's cheek, and he sighed. That's all they seemed to be doing these days. "You really need to eat something, though. You're getting thinner." When the older man didn't reply—he didn't expect him to—he continued. "This isn't healthy. You haven't been out of this room in days. When's the last time you've seen sunlight or have gotten fresh air? Don't you miss going to the university? Professor Fukushima has been asking about you. And you know Kanako has been wondering why you won't answer her calls. She's getting worried. I'm worried. You need to get out of your room, if not for her—"his voice had started getting desperate and breaking. Fromexperience, Souichi knew that Tetsuhiro didn't like him to see the tears. He would leave in a minute or two. "For me?"
Souichi remained quite. What could he say?
With one last sigh, Tetsuhiro urged him to eat something, watched Souichi shake his head, and—offering a sad smile—walked out of the room , leaving the tray, and silently shutting the door. Once he was sure he was alone, he whispered into the darkness.
"I'm sorry."