After the commander had agreed to not take revenge on the skaikru by wiping them all out for the massacre of the peacekeeping army, Clarke and Lexa had returned to Polis.
As they got closer and closer to the city Clarke watched as Lexa became more and more reserved.
She swung herself down from her horse and turned to speak to the other girl but all she saw was the tail end of the red sash disappearing around a corner as the commander slipped away before anyone noticed her arrival at the gates.
Titus caught Clarke's arm as she tried to follow her, "Leave her be Wanheda, respect her need to be alone right now."
Clarke pulled her arm out of his grasp and stared after Lexa worriedly, but she nodded reluctantly and turned in the opposite direction towards the market.
Deciding that she could occupy herself by going to pick up some more paper and maybe a little bit of charcoal to add to the drawing supplies that Lexa had gifted to her as a peace offering on her arrival in Polis.
For over three hours she wandered through the market, looking at trinkets that people thrust in front of her but politely declining whenever things were offered as gifts to the great Wanheda. She could barely stand the name and no matter what it may mean to the twelve clans, she wouldn't accept gifts for committing genocide.
As the sun dipped below the horizon she turned back to the tower and wandered through the streets, enjoying the sounds of the city and watching the children play in the street as their parents packed up their market stalls.
Halfway to the tower a young boy tripped in front of her and cut open a gash on his arm. His mother tried to apologize for him disrupting Clarke's walk but she waved off the concerns with a smile and gently cleaned the boy's wound with some water and a cloth from the pack she still carried on her back, which also held the new book and charcoal that she had been able to buy.
Living in Polis made her feel good, she realised as she took the elevator to the floor where hers and Lexa's rooms where located, the grounders didn't see her as as a child they saw her as a leader and a healer and she was respected and even loved.
Reaching her door she hesitated before continuing on to Lexa's room, Titus had told her to respect Lexa's need to be alone, but she had done so for several hours by this point. She knocked gently but there was no answer so she pushed the door open to peer in to see if Lexa was in there.
Clarke was stuck by how beautiful Lexa looked asleep on the couch, surrounded by candles that cast flickering shadows across her face.
She stepped inside cautiously and looked around Lexa's room guiltily, she probably shouldn't have come in without permission but she had never had the opportunity to really look at where Lexa slept.
Candles covered practically every surface and Clarke sighed at the dangers of it, if even one fell then it could be really bad. There were tapestries and furs all around the room, if there was a serious fire then it could cost Lexa her life, and it didn't seem right for the Heda to be taken out by a fire caused by something as innocent as a candle.
Clarke bent down towards the table next to Lexa, intending to blow out at least some of the candles, when one of Lexa's eyes lazily flickered open.
"What are you doing Clarke?" She asked curiously, slightly confused about the invasion in privacy.
"I'm sorry, it's just...Well...You know it's not smart to have so many candles lit in here right? Especially if you're asleep."
Lexa's mouth twisted into a small grin and her eyes glinted playfully, "So you're worried about me Clarke?"
Narrowing her eyes and laughing sarcastically, Clarke sat in the chair near the end of the couch Lexa was lying on, "Yes, I'm worried that Ontari will become the next Heda because you manage to set yourself on fire by lighting a thousand candles in your bedroom."
Lexa laughed, which was such a rare sound that Clarke felt her heart miss a beat, "That would certainly be one for the history books, no commander has died out of battle yet."
"Why do you have so many candles anyway? It's not even full dark yet."
"Count them Clarke."
Clarke just looked around doubtfully, "You really want me to count all of them? Cause that's going to take a while."
Lexa's eyes sparkled with amusement, "There's three hundred and four."
Eyes widening in realisation, Clarke looked around the room, seeing for the first time the red band around the bottom of each candle, that was different to the ones usually used for lighting around Polis, "These are for the warriors that you lost."
Lexa nodded, staring at the flickering flame closest to her, "Yes. On the battlefield most warriors fall without hearing our words to the dead. And there is seldom enough time to say them during burial because we are constantly moving forward. The first night that I can spare after every battle I go somewhere alone and in private I light a candle for each of my fallen warriors and I say our words to release their spirit to the next life."
"That's what you've been doing all afternoon?"
Lexa sighed and sat up slightly so she could look at Clarke, "They were my warriors, my people, it is my duty as their Heda to ensure that their spirits can move on to whatever comes next. Other that you, only Titus is aware of this ritual."
Clarke stared at her in amazement, every time she thought she had figured Lexa out, she found something else that amazed her.
"So you know them all by name? I mean, if you have one for each person?"
She nodded, "I know the name of every warrior who has died for me, I carry them with me constantly. It's the same reason I don't need kill marks, enemy's and my own people, I remember every death I am responsible for and I remember them all like this. Everyone is equal in death."
Clarke stared at her for a long time, seeing with new eyes, the burden that Lexa had on her shoulders constantly. They understood each other in a way that no one else would, every death Clarke had caused being seared into her memory for the rest of her life.
She moved to stand up but Lexa waved her hand lazily, "You don't have to go, I've been alone all afternoon, if you want you can stay and tell me all about the market today."
"How did you know-?"
Lexa smirked and Clarke just closed her mouth in resignation, of course Lexa knew everything that happened in her city. There was no way she would let Clarke just wandered unprotected.
So she stayed, and told Lexa all about the little boy with the bright shining eyes that had thanked her for helping him. And the gentle old man that always handed her a fresh piece of cooked fish when she passed his stall and refused any offer to pay. She told her about how the people had called to her as a healer and how it had helped to start healing the wound in her heart a little bit every time.
Lexa just smiled and listened patiently, eventually when words ran out they just sat in silence, not needing to fill it with anything but the sound of Lexa turning the pages of the book she was reading, or the gentle sound of Clarke's charcoal scratching on paper as she drew the skyline from Lexa's window.
Clarke looked up when she noticed that she hadn't heard a page turn for a while, to see Lexa had fallen asleep, the book still open beside her.
She considered leaving but then looked at all the candles still burning and decided to stay and watch over Lexa, to keep her safe as she had once done the same for Clarke out in the woods, so long ago.
Carefully smudging the last of the shadowing around the moon she looked again at Lexa.
She was so beautiful whilst she was sleeping, it would be a same not to draw her.