Disclaimer: I don't own the Warrior Cats series!
Title: Lost a Son Today
Summary: Juniperkit was too young to die. If only Bramblestar could tell Jayfeather he felt the same about him.
...
The vigil seemed to stretch on for eternity, but also not long enough. Bramblestar spent most of it praying, begging StarClan to be gentle to the rest of his litter. Dandelionkit is so small, so fragile... I couldn't bear losing her too.
Bramblestar isn't sure what catches his eye- Leafpool taking Juniperkit out herself, Lionblaze not having him by his side- but he quickly realizes Jayfeather has not joined them. That doesn't necessarily surprise him- Jayfeather has always preferred to grieve silently and alone- but it hurts nonetheless. Juniperkit was his kin- surely he wanted to say goodbye? Or did he think he was above such displays? It had always been difficult to judge what he was thinking, ever since he first tumbled out of the nursery.
With one final nudge to Squirrelflight's shoulder- the she-cat had been the one to suggest he talk to him in the first place- Bramblestar got to his paws and silently edged around the clearing. Only Leafpool glanced at him. Her eyes were soft with sadness.
You should feel lucky, he thought bitterly. All of your kits lived to adulthood.
(That isn't fair. Leafpool had never been allowed to call herself Jayfeather and Lionblaze's mother. Even now, the word was malnourished with misuse.)
Bramblestar slid into the medicine den, wrinkling his noise at the offending odor. Jayfeather and Leafpool both had never been interested in sprucing the place up with nicer smelling things. They allowed the medicinal flavor to overwhelm them. It got pretty bad during Greenleaf.
Gentle snores alerted him to Briarlight, who slept quietly in her special nest. Helping with the birth had worn her out, from what he'd been told. Fair enough. Jayfeather was by the stores, back facing him. He rolled some poppy seeds between his pads and the ground, testing the texture.
He knows I'm here. He can smell me. "How're you doing?"
"Dandelionkit's next, you know," he answered lowly.
Something sharp and hard lodged in Bramblestar's heart. It'd be nice if he was a bit more tactful about it, though I'm not sure a blow like this can be softened. "You're sure?"
"Some kits are just born too weak. You got the lucky batch." Jayfeather still refused to look at him. Not, the leader recognized, that he needed to. Being blind and all. "Don't lose yourself over it. You've still got two more to raise."
Sparkkit and Alderkit, he thought fondly. They were out with Squirrelflight, too young to understand. Their eyes weren't even open yet. I'm going to be the kind of father to them that Goldenflower wanted for Tawnypelt and me. They deserve it.
Bramblestar sat down next to him. Jayfeather kept rolling the seeds. "You know what you loved as a kit?" He asked suddenly. "Leaves."
Jayfeather paused. "Leaves?"
"Oh, yeah. You loved them. You three were born in Leaf-bare, so it wasn't like you knew about them as a newborn. Only cold and wet stuff. And then Newleaf came and these weird veined thingys were everywhere." The memory brought a quiet purr to his throat. Maybe it could heal his pain a little bit. "You used to beg me to bring you flowers and plants from across the territory to feel."
"Your son is dead," he said, "and you're telling me about leaves."
"I'm recollecting. It's what cats do during vigils." Bramblestar's tail lashed, but he kept his voice level. "I don't get to tell these kinds of stories often. And, believe me, I've got stories. You three were terrors as kits."
Something rumbled in Jayfeather's chest. "I'm sure lots of cats will agree with you."
"I'm sure they would. Do you remember when you scared the dung out of Cloudtail?"
"No."
"Oh, I do. Cloudtail was chewing you out- StarClan knows what for, now- and you turned to him, looked him in the eye, and said, 'I hope the ground swallows you up and chokes all your screams.'"
Jayfeather looked at him blankly. "Are you serious?"
"Completely. Berrynose had been telling you scary stories the night before."
"I see."
"He thought he'd been cursed. Jumped at every little sound for half a moon."
"You should be with Squirrelflight."
"I want to know you're doing okay."
Jayfeather sighed, loud and a smidge dramatic, and let his body fall onto Bramblestar's shoulder. He was so light it felt like nothing, and the tom easily held him up. "I'm very tired."
They used to lean on me like this all the time, when they were young. Bramblestar reflected on the days he thought they were biologically his kits. It was so long ago now. So much has changed.
"Jayfeather." Bramblestar lightly touched the paw sitting on the poppy seeds. "Have you eaten any of these?"
Silence.
"Jayfeather?"
The medicine cat's eyes slid shut. "Just one or two."
"You should get to bed." Before he passes out from the herbs.
Jayfeather nodded. He didn't move. "I'm sorry for your loss, Bramblestar. Perhaps, if I was a better medicine cat, he might still be alive."
"Don't say that!" He nudged the smaller tom. "It's no one's fault. No one can bring a cat back from death when StarClan calls."
"I have," he slurred, eyes drooping. "When I was an apprentice."
"That was a long time ago."
"When I was useful."
Bramblestar's heart jerked. "No, no, no. Don't think that."
Jayfeather snorted. "Don't tell me what to think."
The brown tom brought the medicine cat closer. It was hard to find the right words to say. Jayfeather's about as forthcoming as a rock, and about ten times more sensitive. "ThunderClan is lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."
"Give it a season," he offered, antsy, but not pulling away. "I hate this. I can't tell what anyone's thinking or feeling. I can't do my job properly. I just let a kit die-"
"You did not. StarClan-"
"StarClan calls no one," he interrupted, voice harsh and gritty. "They're just ghosts. The real masters of time and death don't care about calling anyone. Just deadlines."
"Don't say that ever again." His voice came out harsher than Bramblestar intended, eyes narrowed.
"I won't."
"That scared me. I feel ill."
"Perhaps you should."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Believe it? I've met them." Jayfeather tilted his chin up so Bramblestar could look into his foggy eyes. "Do you really think we're the first warriors? That we're all magical and special? Because we're not. All we are is here."
Bramblestar's fur was prickling as he nudged Jayfeather to his paws. The medicine cat was listless and uncooperative. This must be how Cloudtail felt. "Come'on, Jay... time for bed."
"I'm not a kit," he snapped.
"No, you're not, but you're still my son, and as such I've got every right to tell you to go to bed."
Jayfeather blinked. Turned to him. "You mean that?"
"Of course."
"Oh."
"Did you think otherwise?"
His ear flicked. There was no response.
"You'll always be my son, Jay," Bramblestar pressed, giving him a quick lick to the ear. "You and Lionblaze and Hollyleaf. And now Alderkit, Sparkkit, Juniperkit, and Dandelionkit."
Jayfeather's eyelids slid shut at the mention of his sister. "I failed her too."
"You did what you could."
He shrugged, scar stretching and settling. "You make it sound like it's enough, but it's not. I wasn't born to sit around and let cats die. Even the mouse-brained ones."
You weren't born for anything, Bramblestar wanted to say, but didn't. You were born because two cats fell in love, no matter how strangely, and you were born because your mother wanted you around. Not because of a prophecy, or because you were kin of Firestar. He nudged Jayfeather again. This time, he moved.
Bramblestar helped Jayfeather into his nest, carefully tucking his paws under. It was too dark to properly see, but the bright pink of his scar popped out at him. I don't even know how he got that! "I'm going back to the vigil. Will you be okay?"
"I'm coasting off poppy seeds and my own angst," he muttered into his paws, too tired to move his head "I think I'll be just fine. Now go."
Should I stay anyway? Indecision struck him. Jayfeather would never accidentally overdose himself- frankly, Bramblestar was surprised he ate any at all- but that didn't mean he couldn't roll over and choke on something. Would he even wake up? Briarlight's head lifted off her paws, going to clean Jayfeather's scruff, and Bramblestar knew he'd be okay.
"He's always like this after someone dies," she whispered into the darkness. "Don't pay attention to what he says. It's the seeds talking."
I've never heard of poppy seeds strong enough that they make a cat denounce their faith in StarClan. But he admired Briarlight's dedication to the blue tom as she defended and cleaned his fur, dipping his head. "I won't. Good night."
"Go grieve. It'll be fine." Briarlight hauled herself over to get at Jayfeather's back. "You've got more important matters."
Do I? Do I really?
Bramblestar snuck back into the clearing, ignoring the lost looks Lionblaze shot the medicine den, and took his place again. Started praying again. Harder, this time.
Author's Note: Everybody in the books always complains about how they can't really tell what Jayfeather is thinking, even the cats who raised him, so I wrote Bramblestar getting an eyeful of cranky Jayfeather. Because why not.
-Mandaree1