Wither
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, all not mine
Spoilers: Season 9
Wither
He'd expected it all along. She'd done exactly what he'd always expected her to do, what he'd always feared she'd do. She left. He'd always known it couldn't last. So, why, if he'd always expected it, did he feel so blindsided? He knew why, because he'd allowed himself to believe. Even after she left the first time, he still believed, because she left with words, You're my one and only, I feel as though I've loved you forever. Unlike that first time, she'd left him no words; there was no note, no goodbye, nothing to explain her leaving. She was just gone and now he was left to grieve two things, Warrick's death and the end of his relationship with her. He felt as though he was dying. He tried to move on, but found himself consumed by grief and by anger. It was duing this time that he learned to hate. He hated her for ever leaving him, and he hated himself for ever letting her do this to him.
Once upon a time, he'd told Greg it was the people who didn't judge him that he was attracted to. Now, he felt he had to amend that earlier statement. Plenty of people didn't judge him. It was the people that understood him that were special. He could only be attracted to people that understood him. He thought Sara had understood him. He bet his heart on it. He was wrong. How could someone who understood him ask him to leave his job, his team, his life? If she'd ever truly understood him, she would have known he could never leave the nightshift to three CSIs. He had a responsibility to his team and the lab. He couldn't just walk away. She never understood.
His current reluctant acceptance of the situation ended up amounting to the knowledge that he couldn't be with someone who didn't understand him. He looked back and mused that he'd never needed her, not like he thought he did. The need he'd felt when she retuned was not a need to be with her, feel her, connect with her. He'd just needed someone to comfort him and it was easiest to let her be the one to offer him the comfort he sought. Easiest because she was the only person he'd ever shown himself to. What he needed now, he didn't know. He did know that he didn't need her. He did know that if he ever allowed himself to need another person again, he'd make sure he needed someone who understood him.
During an investigation, he crossed paths with Heather Kessler. He looked at her and saw a beautiful woman who understood him, and wanted him. He slept with her. He allowed her to help ease some of his pain. It only made the pain more acute. It was the saddest experience of his life. He didn't love her and she didn't understand him. She never had. He'd let her ability to read people fool him into thinking she knew him. He'd let his pain blind him until he actually believed she understood him. It was a mistake. It was painful and enlightening. When the act was over, he couldn't fool himself into believing he loved her. He also could no longer deny that he was still tragically in love with Sara.
Two weeks later he phoned her. She never answered. He never left a message. He forced himself to accept that it was over. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. When he finally succeeded, he found he'd lost himself. Everything around him was changing. For the first time in his life, he didn't know who he was. He blamed her. He'd tried to move on, but even after accepting that it was over, he still wasn't able to let her go. He wasn't strong enough or brave enough to do it. He was a coward. He knew it, those two months ago, when he'd spoke the words that told her to leave him, the words that weren't spoken out of truth, but out of fear and grief, the words that sealed his fate. He knew, even then, that he'd never have the strength to leave her. Yet, even after forcing her hand, he still hated her for leaving him.
He attended Natalie Davis's competency hearing. As she sat in the stand, he focused on her and noticed that her focus was directed at him. As he stared silently, eyes narrowed, pulse rapid, he knew it wasn't Sara he hated; it was Natalie Davis. He wanted to yell, scream, cry, but he remained silent. His was screaming all the things he wanted to shout but never wanted Natalie Davis to know. You did it. You took her away. You took the love of my life from me. You ruined me. And quietly, You won. Then, allowing her to see his defeat, he dropped his head. This time, he was sure he was dying. He was nothing. He had withered away.
He knew he couldn't stay at the lab much longer. Between memories of Sara and of Warrick, he could barely make it through a shift. There were too many ghosts and that knowledge brought a sudden realization. After spending over a year trying to make sense of Sara's leaving, he finally understood it. One epiphany led to another. Sara had understood him all along. She hadn't asked him to leave his life. She'd wanted to take him away from the place that haunted him with so many memories. She'd wanted to take him away from the ghosts. She'd wanted to ease his suffering and help heal his pain. He'd been the one to cast her aside. He'd been the one who lacked understanding and she'd loved him regardless. He phoned her again. She never answered. This time though, he left a message. I understand now. I was wrong. Though I have withered, my love for you has not.
He looked around at the life he had and knew that it was over. He was leaving the lab. There were only five things left there for him and they didn't amount to enough to keep him there. He'd miss Al and Jim, Catherine and Nick, and he'd even miss Greg, but it was time. He couldn't stay forever. Like Sara a year and three months before, he didn't know where he was going to go, or what he was going to do. The only thing he knew for certain was that he had to find her. He called her again. This time she answered. He closed his eyes in relief and told her of his resignation. She told him where she was and he knew then, exactly where he was going. He found her. The moment he laid eyes on her, the moment she smiled that heart stopping smile, the pain, the agony, the regret he'd felt, the suffering he'd endured, all began to wither. Everything else began to blossom.