A/N I'm finally typing things up! I have approximately a million chapters laying about in assorted notebooks, and part of my New Years Resolution is to update more and finish all the fanfics I have going. I have the entire of Akatsuki Alphabet, plus the bonus Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue, written in a notepad. I'm typing it up in installments, between revising for my English exams. It'll probably all be uploaded by tomorrow night. Much love!

A is for... Akatsuki

"Who are you?" The ANBU captain managed to choke the words out of a throat flooded with blood.

"We," growled Tei, grinning, "are the..."

The dramatic pause went on a bit too long, and then the drunken nin started rummaging through her cloak. "Crap, I know I wrote it down somewhere..."

Kisame eventually leaned forwards and muttered into the newest member's ear, "Akatsuki..."

"Yeah!" Te told the dying ninja, "One of THOSE!"

B is for... Bloodstains

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Konan screamed at Hidan, waving a soggy red shirt at him, "This is the last straw! Tei and Rei won't do it, and I can see why! Can you go one day, just one day, without bringing me a ruined shirt? I'm sick of it! I refuse to go on! Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to wash bloodstains out of a white shirt? Well, from now on, you can damn well wash it yourself!"

Conan threw the offending article at the fanatic, and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving a stunned silence behind her.

"Well, fuck," Hidan growled eventually. "I can't do fucking laundry! I'll just have to buy a new shirt every time I do a ritual."

"Absolutely not!" Kakuzu snapped, not looking up from the ledgers on the kitchen table. "You will live forever, Hidan, thus giving you the capacity to ruin an infinite number of shirts, requiring an infinite number of new shirts, costing an infinite amount of money, which the Akatsuki do not have. Therefore, you will wear no shirt."

C is for... Cravings

Vices were fine within the S-class criminal organisation; they all craved something. Leader loved his piercings, Tei was alcoholic, Zetsu loved to feast on human flesh, and Rei found solace in her hoards of voodoo dolls.

It was normal. A complicated life led to a desire for something uncomplicated; this led to routine, which led to habits, which led to needs, to addictions, and addictions, of course, led to cravings. It was normal.

It was normal, Leader assured himself, watching Itachi fix up his double-chocolate-honey-blackcurrant-more-chocolate-extra-cream mocha with rainbow sprinkles and crackers and flakes and extra sugar, in a mug that could just as easily have been called a bucket. It was normal.

Itachi sipped his sixth CafeItachi of the day, whilst the girls made breakfast around him.

D is for... Daycare

They were used to torture; all of them had done it at some point. Maiming, blood and guts were normal to them. However, even the S-class criminals knew that there was a time and a place appropriate for such behaviour.

It was not in the middle of a crowded street at noon on market day.

The hardened fiends stared at Leader, who screamed in fury as he slaughtered the man who had, moments before, observed Tobi trying to chase a bird up a tree, Anno pawing a football, and Kisame, Rei and Itachi dragging Tei away from the bar, and had muttered that it was like... Leader's trigger word.

"THIS IS NOT DAYCARE!" Leader roared.

E is for... Enigma

"Hey, Itachi, why d'ya kill the Uchiha clan?"

"They disrespected the elderly."

"'Tachi, un, why did you murder your parents?"

"They refused to give me a bendy stray."

"Brother! Why did you murder them?"

"They failed to put enough hate in you."

"Wesley, why did you kill your mom?"

"She called me Wesley."

"Itachi-sempai, Tobi was wondering why you killed the Uchihas..."

"They annoyingly kept referring to themselves in the third person."

"Itachi, why did you massacre the Uchiha clan?"

"Because your face."

"... My face?"

A/N 2: A quick note: My fics (and those of my sister, co-writer and other half, Astarael's Get) are set during the two-and-a-half-year timeskip in the series. I'm up-to-date with the manga, I know why Itachi killed his family, all plot innacuracies are for amusement pruposes only. I don't own Naruto or associates, I do own Rei, my sister owns Tei, and we joint-own Rimu and Anno, although nobody really wants Anno. Is he even in this fic? He deserves an adventure. I'll give him an adventure. With Tobi!

Peace, out. xx