Hey! I uploaded twice in a week (in two days? I think?) and I'm actually quite proud of myself.
Actually I'm not because this isn't actually all that great hahaha it was just an idea that I had after reading way too many posts and stuff about the Marauders and sad sh*t about harry potter and I realised (again) that Remus Lupin was definitely the most underrated character in the entire series. And I just feel so sad and so angry at the thought that Harry and Remus were the only ones left and yet HARRY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE WAS UNTIL HE WAS THIRTEEN and when he did IT WAS AS HIS TEACHER NOT AS HIS UNCLE OR GODFATHER OR BEST FRIEND OR ANYTHING AND IT KILLS ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE DIDN'T REMUS WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HARRY DIDN'T REMUS TRY DIDN'T REMUS LOVE HIM and then I think about how be probably did, but he couldn't, and how much it must have killed him and I try so hard not to cry.
So yeah, that's what this is about. Remus trying and knowing that he can't take care of Harry no matter how much he wants to.
Remus wakes up with a pounding headache and a sore body. This is not, however, anything new, and neither is the cool feel of steel on his wrists, or the sting of open wounds. Remus sighs and uses wandless magic—as always—to unlock the handcuffs that prevented the wolf from running wild.
His wand is nearby, where he can easily drag himself over, and he performs the healing charms, muttering under his breath, wincing at the familiar feeling of wounds closing. He lays there on the floor for a while, leaning against the wall, catching his breath. His mind wanders briefly to a time when he didn't wake up like this, trapped for the safety of others, blood flowing from self-inflicted injuries. When he woke up with the smell of his pack still lingering, sometimes even with one of them pressed against him, man or animal—but they're gone now, and Remus pushes the memories away. No use focusing on the past, he reminds himself, focus on the present.
Finally Remus has enough strength to stand up, so he pushes himself up to get changed and ready for the day. He stumbles out of the tiny bedroom, clothed, and shuffles a few steps to put the kettle on. He could use magic to boil it, of course, but he's still pretty sore, and he knows walking will help—besides, he doesn't quite trust himself to perform any proper spells aside from healing charms, because healing charms have been ingrained in him, but anything else has the possibility of literally blowing up in his face. (Tea is not quite worth that, Remus will admit.)
While waiting for the kettle to boil, Remus moves slowly over to his desk, wedged in the tiny corner beside the door to the bathroom. He takes out, as he does every month, a small ledger book and a pouch of coins.
This month has been a good one, Remus knows, because he's had a job nearly every day (and even held one for two weeks straight!), and didn't dip into his savings at all. It does seem like he's traded that in, though, with the way his body still aches even after drinking a good amount of the calming tea.
But this is worth it, Remus knows, as he does his accounting for the month and notes with satisfaction that he is not going to be kicked out of his home just yet, and he'll have heating and—even better—if he keeps this up, he'll be two years away from being able to move into a bigger apartment, with one more room. Hope wells up in his chest, but he pushes it down—two years is a long time, and this month was considered a good month, and those are few and far between. Remus is nothing if not practical, and he knows it will probably be another four years, not two, before his dreams are possible. (a part of him—the cynical, angry, betrayed part of him—reminds him that it's already been nearly 6 years, and in another four it will barely matter anymore, but Remus pushes that thought down too.)
When he's strong enough, and has performed enough spells to ensure that he can Apparate without injuring himself, Remus turns on his heel and opens his eyes to see the backyard of Arabella Figg's house.
He's quiet as he exits the yard, trying not to be seen—although Figg has caught him here more than once over the past few years, he still tries to stay as inconspicuous as possible, seeing as he's not allowed anywhere near here. He imagines Figg telling Dumbledore in her quiet way that she saw Lupin here again, looking the way he always does after the full moon, trying not to get caught as he snuck out of her property. He hopes she never does tell, because he doesn't know if he can stand the stern look on Dumbledore's face as he lectures his former student.
And he knows he can't stand to be told he can't be here, because this is all he is, now, this is all that is left—left of him, of his pack, of his life, as it crumbles to pieces around him—and he doesn't know what he'll do if this is taken away from him.
Harry has grown in the last month. It seems impossible to Remus, how fast Harry's been growing, but Remus blinked sometime in the past few years and suddenly he wasn't watching a toddler play on his own, hidden away in a room in number four, Privet Drive. Now, he's watching a young boy in baggy clothes, a worn-out backpack resting on his shoulders, as he walks to school.
Harry's only seven, but Remus sees the way his shoulders hunch, sees the way his eyes dart about, the way he flinches from people's gazes. And it's strange, because Harry looks so much like James, and his eyes are Lily's, but the way he acts is reminiscent of Remus himself.
But Remus knows, as he watches Harry silently, Remus knows that Harry doesn't act that way because he's afraid of himself, he's afraid of the wolf inside him, because Harry has no such demons. Harry has different monsters, Remus knows, and these come in the form of a cousin a mere month older than him but pounds heavier, a poor excuse for a surrogate father and his loud, obnoxious voice, and a terrible surrogate mother who can only ever see her sister's failures when she looks into Harry's eyes.
The wolf inside Remus rebells against his will as he watches Harry run from Dudley Dursley, Dudley's mocking laughter following him. The wolf inside howls at the injustice of it all, claws at his heart, begs him to save what little remains of his pack. And Remus wants, so, so badly, to bring out his wand or some other proper form of threatening, and tell that horrible boy to leave his godson alone. And he wants, more than anything in the world, to run to Harry, and take him in his arms, and tell him that he's safe now, where he truly belongs, with his godfather Remus.
But Remus restrains himself. He watches as a boy torments his cousin, despite being only seven years old, and Remus does nothing. He observes the hard set of Harry's jaw and angry look in his eyes but says nothing, just as Harry says nothing.
Remus is not Harry's godfather. He knows this, despite wishing, over and over, that he were. No, that title will forever be held by a man imprisoned for sending his best mate and his wife to their deaths, for murdering twelve innocent muggles, for murdering another one of their friends, for leaving his godson a poor orphan and his last remaining friend a werewolf without a pack.
Remus cannot gather Harry Potter into his arms and tell him he is safe, and he is where he belongs, because that would not be true.
Remus knows why Harry must remain at Privet Drive. He had yelled, raged, cried, even, in Dumbledore's office, when he found out about James and Lily and Sirius and Peter and Harry. He had begged the Headmaster to let him take care of Harry because he knew Lily Potter's sister, and her brother in law, and he knew that they would not be kind to anything related to the wizarding world, including their own blood. And Dumbledore had explained to him, calmly, as if many heartbroken men had laid waste upon his precious instruments, why Harry Potter has to stay with the Dursleys.
And try as Remus does, even he has to admit that Harry is better off with his aunt and uncle than a fake godfather. Because Harry gets bullied by Dudley on the way to school and even at school, yes, but Harry at least goes to school. And that's nothing to the way he'd be looked at in the wizarding world as more and more people found out about Remus'… condition. Because Harry lives in a tiny cupboard under the stairs, but at least he has a steady, solid roof over his head, and a room of his own. With Remus, Harry would have to wait four more years before he could afford a place with another room.
And yes, the clothes Harry wears are definitely hand-me-downs from Dudley, and are much too big for his thin frame, but Remus' clothes aren't much better, patched-up robes and shirts because he can't afford to buy new ones, hanging over his own thin, underfed body because sometimes he has to skip a meal in order to pay the rent.
No, Remus Lupin can never take Harry Potter in, no matter how much he loves him, so he has to settle with watching with sharp eyes and keen ears, silently observing the son of his best friend once a month.
Remus Floos home from Figg's house late that night (she always leaves the door unlocked for him, and a plate of cookies too, but they both pretend he was never there) and prepares to go job-hunting the next day.
Four more years, and Harry will be at Hogwarts. Remus thinks that maybe Dumbledore will let him introduce himself to Harry then, after he learns about his past and about the wizarding world. Maybe then he can tell Harry he's his godfather, and tell him that he can visit over some of the holidays, if he doesn't want to stay at Hogwarts for too long. Maybe then, when Harry is in third year, Remus can sign his Hogsmeade slip and they can meet up every-so-often at the Three Broomsticks or Hogs Head. Maybe Remus will be allowed to steal into the castle to watch Harry play Quidditch, or he can help Harry study over Easter break, and maybe Harry will call him Moony, and know that he's a werewolf and not care, just like his parents didn't, just like his godfather didn't.
Remus allows this fantasy to lull him to sleep, but knows when he wakes up the next morning that that is all this is: a fantasy. He knows that Harry will go to Hogwarts, but he will not know about one lonesome man, who becomes a werewolf once a month, and wishes Harry knew even his name.