I roll over
Sigh…. Roll over to the other side this time.
Still not working. I reach behind my head and fluff the pillow.
Still as uncomfortable as before. I look at the small stuffed polar bear you gave me, it stares happily at the ceiling, unbeknownst to my uncomfort. Beside the bear lay my cell phone, the screen still blank, still telling me that you haven't sent me a message. Looking at each of them makes that feeling come back all over again
I roll back over and stare back at my wall, but I can still feel the damn bear staring at the ceiling just behind me.
I glance at the clock, 2: 36 am, exactly three hours.
Three hours of. Laying. Crying. Thinking. Dreaming. Hoping. Believing. Worrying. Tossing. Turning. Three hours of everything but sleeping or peace.
I look back at my phone,
But still no message, just a blank screen and a happy polar bear.
I think about throwing it. Across the room, on the floor, at the picture of us that sits on the table.
Maybe it will hurt you, not that you would know, but maybe
Maybe the forces of the unknown would make you feel it, or at least know it.
I stare at the polar bear, observing
Its color is much more white than the day I got it, the blue and purple scarf, now without holes, carefully knotted around its neck, each ear perked up ready to catch any and every sound, smiling endlessly.
I hate it. I love it
I hate it because it is not you next to me
I love it because it can be here when you can't.
I hate it because it's just a stupid stuffed bear
I love it because it's the only thing of yours I really have.
I don't want to be awake. I don't want to be asleep.
I don't want to love you.
I don't want to stop loving you….