Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
Hercules sat morbidly in the shadow of a naked tree. He sighed dejectedly, whittling an arrow from a log.
"Wonder Boy!" Meg exclaimed as she rounded the tree. "Why aren't you in Thebes fighting that Overgrown Kitty? You know, the Nemian Lion? People are depending on you."
"Screw humanity! I should be a god. I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I've got tiger blood. And I'm bored with always defeating monsters, one after the other. Winning!"
"Uh, Herc. You okay?" Meg asked skeptically.
"I'm just tired of these puny mortals and their annoying problems. Save me from a volcano, Hercules. Don't let the monster eat my children. You know, I've got my own problems. NOBODY LOVES ME!" he burst into tears, then began sharpening his blade on his wrist. Blood squirted everywhere. He promptly died.
Hades appeared to personally take his soul.
"No!" Meg cried, throwing herself at Hades's feet. "Take my soul instead!"
"Uh, Meg. Ya sure you wanna go down this path again?" Hades asked.
"It's probably better for you if you just let him die," the narrator agreed. "I mean, have you read the actual myth? Hercules kills you and your three sons after he marries you."
"I don't care," she argued, "I love him."
Pain and Panic appeared suddenly. They lay down on the ground and relaxed.
"You love him?" Hades asked. Then a smile exploded onto his lips. "Well, congratulations, Meg! I could never break up true love. Here you go." He snapped his fingers and Hercules came back to life, his wrists healed.
"Huh?" Meg asked incredulously. "Did you hit your head or something?"
"Meg, I'm just so happy for you that you found a guy you can trust after that horrible incident with the last one. As an early wedding present, you may have your life back. I set you free."
Pain and Panic shook her hand in turn. They lay down on the grass and gazed peacefully at the sky.
"I must've been sitting over a vent too long," Meg said to herself. She bent over Hercules alluringly. "Come on, ya big lug."
Hercules looked at his hands, touched his face in disbelief, then burst into tears again and committed suicide once more.
Hades raised a brow at the odd behavior of this man, then shrugged and said, "It's tough to be a god."
"Wrong kids movie!" the narrator reproved.
Just then, Zeus descended from the clouds and swept Megara away to fornicate with her.
"I don't remember this being in the job description! It wasn't in the script either!"
And at long last, the feather found a nest.
The End