Alright, so this is my first post on fanfiction. Well, I have posted others, but I consider this my "first" post because I have completely changed my writing style. A few things before the fanfic:
If you have not, go listen to "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. It's an amazing song and it fits Matt and Mello perfectly. Especially Matt.
This is my first shot at first/second person. If I screwed up...well...blame my English teachers?
Don't flame. There's no point in flames at all, don't try it with me. Constructive criticism is perfectly fine. In fact, I love it. It helps a LOT.
I got a little psychopathic towards the middle/end. I would have taken it out but that would ruin the flow of the story and my friend loved it so I had to keep it.
My editor and friend: if you're reading this on here, thanks for the edit. You rock.
The editor and best friend? Yeah. He's a pimp. Love him.
Disclaimer: Don't own the song. Don't own Death Note. If I did, Matt and Mello would be alive and banging each other every episode. But are they? No. Therefore I don't own.
Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be right behind
I'm sitting on the couch, while you lie beside me, legs propped on top of mine, and nibbling on your chocolate bar you always carry around. The moon shines brightly through the curtain-less window, illuminating the ratty apartment with my computer devices strewn about, but also your blonde hair that seems to frame your face like a halo. You always were my fallen angel. I tap away at the keys on my Game Boy with my cigarette hanging loosely from my lips. Your eyes are closed, obviously deep in thought. You can't be thinking over the plan again. We've gone over it way too many times for there to be any doubts about how to do it. Are you thinking of whether it will work or not? Because chances are they won't…and I think you know that, no matter how much you deny it.
"Mells…," I say softly to you as I put down the game I was never really paying attention to and take your hand into mine, "no matter what happens tomorrow, we'll always be together."
I'll follow you into the dark
"Stop with that cheesy nonsense. If we do it right, we'll get out alive," you say, your eyes still closed.
"Mello…you and I both know that we probably won't." I sigh, tracing patterns into the soft skin of your palm. Your nails begin to press into my hand, but I do not pull away. I know you really don't want that.
"Are you saying my plan is flawed?" you ask, finally opening your eyes to glare into mine. I can see the glare is forced. You really are worried, no matter how much you try to hide it.
"No, I'm only saying that no matter how good one's plan is, it's us against the world right now." I hang my head as you look away towards the window. I look over towards you and see how the moon lights your face, making it look almost innocent, even with the scar. "We're dealing with people who would kill for this so called 'God'. The chances of both of us making it out alive are slim."
"Matt…," you whisper. I love hearing my name fall from your lips. You will never know how truly happy it makes me feel that you love me, because no words or actions could ever show you. I've always needed you. Do you remember when we were younger? Do you remember how I would always follow you around Wammy's, doing whatever your heart desires? As guilty as it makes you feel today that you took advantage of that, I will never regret it. Even on my dying day, which will probably be tomorrow, as my life flashes before my eyes and shows me my memories which all involve you, I will not regret it.
"Matt, we're not going to survive, are we?" You say, choking on your words. You try to hide your face with your long, blonde hair that I love. I cannot say a thing because I cannot refute that statement. The odds were stacked against us. Your head hangs low and the moonlight shows clearly the tears that have fallen to the ground. I pull your slim, leather-clad body into my lap and your face immediately presses into my chest as you cry into my fur vest. I run my fingers run through your blonde hair as I also feel a tear threatening to spill, though I will not let it fall. I need to be strong for the both of us. It was my unspoken job, just like being your hacker. I was the rock that kept us together while you had your usual outburst. When we became lovers, you would always apologize after you yelled about needing to beat Near and how the little albino was ahead of us. I never minded, honestly. Your temper was a part of you I never want you to change. It made you my Mello, my Mihael Keehl.
"But…what if you die and I remain alive?" You question me again as I can hear the tears coming freely. "I can't live without you Matt."
I kiss the top of your head. As much as I hate to admit it, this was an entirely new you. Despite the fact that you learned to apologize, you were still learning how to show emotions. Crying was still out of question for your temperamental self. I wish I could've seen your emotions more while we had the chance. But I understand your need to hide them because, again, you're still learning and weaknesses get people like us killed.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
"Then I will wait for you and we can go wherever we are meant to together." I respond. I lift your chin up so I can kiss you softly. Despite your lack of showing emotions, I could always feel how much you loved me through your kiss. How I'm going to miss that…
You nuzzle your face into my neck and shift in an attempt to get closer. I wrap my sleeved arms around you to help. I need to be closer to you too. "If I die, I promise to wait for you too," you say, and I instantly know how that situation will end.
"Mello, I won't make you wait long," I say softly, trying to hold you even tighter. God, how I wish it is possible to hold you closer. Your face skews and you look at me questioningly.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" you yell. We were not going to go our last day alive without a fight and I was perfectly okay with that. I do not want you to change for anything.
"Well, naturally, I can't live without you," I say. I pull off my goggles and set them on the table in front of us. You said once that you loved my dark blue eyes, but just as you almost never showed me your emotions except for anger and your love for me, I almost never showed you my eyes.
"Matt!" you yell, your eyes red from the unnatural crying, "You are not committing suicide because of me!" I hang my head as my red hair fall in front of my eyes.
"Mello," I say sternly, trying to make you understand, "even if I don't, I'll just end up doing something stupid that will end up killing me. If you die, I have to go down with you…"
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfies
Illuminate the 'no's' on their vacancy signs
"…And we go to our afterlife together…"you say, as if finishing my sentence. "That's the only way it can be." I say softly, looking into your bright blue eyes.
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I will follow you into the dark
Just thinking about the possibility of living even a second without you tore me to pieces. Near had always called me your dog, your little pet that you could order around and I would obey. Looking back on it, it was probably truth. You were the malicious owner of the disobeying dog who just wanted a bit of love. It seems cruel to say that looking at you now, but I cannot deny the truth. I would disobey and you would hit me. But I wouldn't, or rather couldn't, run.
I knew I wouldn't find someone who cared for me as you did. The orphanage was just fool of little freaks like us who only desired to be Number One. People in that place didn't want love. They just wanted that top spot with L. You weren't any different, of course. You made that known by everyone, especially me and Near. In fact, I'm pretty sure both me and Near have the scars to prove that. We orphans had no one. Sure, L cared for us, but he was always away working on some case. And Roger…but with God knows how many kids, it's hard for that love to spread. Anyone who had a friend in Wammy's was a lucky little bastard and should make sure they didn't do anything stupid to mess it up. So, I didn't.
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And now that I'm on the Wammy's train of thought, I might as well reflect on those miserable years I spent there. After all, isn't that what people do before they die? Reflect on their past? I roll my eyes at the clichèness of that statement. Though there is one memory from Wammy's I've been thinking about for the past few day. There was a lesson from a teacher that I didn't particularly like.
Of course, I hated the teacher. I hated most of them. I wonder if they ever figured out I could have cared less about becoming L and was just staying there for you. And food and shelter, sure. Right? Hell no, I could have taken care of myself; I was just there for you. But I remember a lesson taught by that hated teacher. As she spoke, she stared at me, as if the lesson was specifically planned for my sake. Looking back it now, it probably was.
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
The whole class was spent talking about how having connections with someone while being L, or having any job of that sort, will most likely get us killed. Loving someone will destroy us and all of our work. It will make us screw up our jobs just so we can please our love. 'What a load of bull,' I used to think. But now, sitting here in what will probably be my final night, I know it's true. I will be killed tomorrow, all because I felt I had to go along with your dangerous idea. The teacher was right, love will get us killed. But in the end, it was all worth it.
Wait…was that thought exactly what our teacher was warning against? Was the fact that we wouldn't care what she wanted to keep us from? I would not dwell on that. Mostly because I knew it was worth it and I was too far in to stop it anyway. Not that I would have from the beginning. I hated that teacher for a reason. She wanted to split us up. She wanted me to think about this lesson at this exact moment. I could not give her the pleasure. She knew nothing of me. How would she know how I felt about this? If I was shown this past hour before I was so far gone into you would I have still followed this path? Yes, I would have, because I am happy and that idiotic teacher cannot tell me how I should have lived my life and who I should care about. After that lesson I simply rejected all of her stupid theories on how a great detective should live his life. She didn't know anything.
Jesus Christ, I was so into the mental rant that I'm now digging my nails into the side of your vest. I'm probably hurting you, so I loosen my grip as I try to push you closer to me, a physical impossibility at this point. My vest is surely soaked by your tears. I would have never thought that you, my tough Mihael Keehl, would cry for our deaths. As I have said…or rather thought, before: you rarely showed weakness. You were not allowed to, even to me. Again, I regret that. Why did you have to take that evil teacher's lessons seriously? Did you know that if I didn't reject her teachings, I wouldn't be here? But I could not hold that against you, after all that you have given me.
Sometimes I wonder if you really love me, as guilty as that makes me feel right now. Sure, you've said it, but one has to wonder. You never show weakness to anyone, even me. What is your weakness? You look so strong at all times that no one has the chance to figure out before they face their deaths by your gun.
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the 'no's' on their vacancy signs
"Mail, I love you," I hear you whisper, something you never did. But those words shook me with such force that the tears I had been holding back for so long come out in un-hushed sobs as I bury my face into your gold hair. The way you said my name, my true name that only you at this point know, made me let out pent up emotions I kept locked away for your sake. "Goddammit Mail, why are you making me want to stop this plan?!" I pull you away from me to get a better look at your beautiful, scarred face. You look me in the eye as you continue. "Why do you have to be my weakness?!" you shout. I surely heard wrong. Sure, you said you love me, and I do believe you now. But…I'm your weakness? I'm the one who makes the great Mafia Boss second guess himself and risk his missions for? And wait…you want to end this…for me?
But I cannot speak these thoughts. Maybe I should have known. Maybe you were trying to show this to me all along. I don't really know and it's too late now. "Mihael," I begin as you continue to stare at me, your face covered in tears as your crying does not stop, "I love you too. I have for as long as I can remember." You lean back down and snuggle into my fur covered vest.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark
"Do you remember that teacher I used to hate when we were at Wammy's?" I start. I feel you nod into my chest as you begin to speak. "Yeah, what was with that anyway? Her lessons were good. She was nice. I didn't see a problem with her." I chuckle, of course you wouldn't. "Remember that lesson about weaknesses? I doubt you will, but still…the one about caring for someone?" Your face showed you were trying hard to think about this lesson, but soon enough, it turned into recognition. "Oh yeah!" you practically exclaim. Glad to know you're almost back to normal. Almost. We would not be normal these final hours. We would show our true selves. We would show each other the things no one else got to see. We owed it to each other after all of this.
"I guess we both failed at that one, huh?" you chuckle darkly. Yes, we were each other's weaknesses. I was going to die for you and you would die for me. "But, I still don't see why you hated her. I mean…it is true. Love is a weakness." I merely sigh and hang my head at this comment. I know this. Hell, I get to experience that theory first hand tomorrow as I die.
But, in the end…would I have really survived that long either way? I had to go through a few years alone at Wammy's House without you after L died. I barely made it before I decided to go out and find you myself. I didn't really have anyone, and I was a rather dependent person, I admit. A dependent person without anyone to live for wasn't a good thing.
I know that if I had not befriended you, I probably wouldn't be living today. Perhaps it saved me, in the end. Perhaps it did give me a few more years of life that was worth living. It doesn't matter because I wouldn't have chosen a different path.
"That lovely lesson was directed at me, if you didn't notice her constant staring at me throughout the lecture," I say as I, once again, try to pull you closer, in vain as there is no more space between us. "She noticed I needed you and tried to end it before I was too far gone."
Your slightly humored face turned into one of guilt. Please dear God, don't feel bad for me right now. Not during this final night. "Maybe you should have left while you could," you say quietly. "Maybe I should have let you go to live a normal life like a normal human being instead of being treated as horribly as I have treated you."
And every ounce of my being is angry.
Angry at you for that stupid comment, at me for even bringing it up instead of just being quiet and at the teacher for even doing that stupid lesson. I pin you to the ratty couch we are sitting on and kiss you roughly, hoping to get my point across. "Don't ever say that again! If not for you, I would have committed suicide a long time ago," I say when I break the kiss. I lean back down, kissing you rougher than before, moving my hands all over you before finally stopping at your own feminine hands and pinning them to the edge of the couch on each side of your head. And then I break the kiss once more before staring intensely into your bright blue eyes. "Promise that you will never say that idiotic statement, whether we live for the next few hours," I kiss your soft lips, "days," I continue, moving to your jaw, "months," I move to underneath your jaw bone, "or years," I whisper, finally settling on your neck. This isn't exactly new territory. But it isn't exactly well-known either. You were always the dominant one when it came to our sex lives.
I continue to angrily suck and nip at your neck as I hear you moan. "Promise me!" I yell as I grind myself into you. Through the many years I had hid myself from others, had I sincerely forgotten how angry I could act? Was this how I would really act every time I showed my anger to you? I watch as you throw your head back in sheer pleasure. At least you enjoyed it…
I continue to grind myself into you as my hands roughly rub up and down your chest. You moan again, and look into my eyes. They're filled with pleasure but also…worry? That's right…you haven't seen this. But this is the night to show each other our true selves though, and this is just me being who I really am. A lustful, angry bastard. "Goddammit Mihael, just say it!" I yell at you. I reach down to your tight leather pants and begin to undo them. "I-I promise, Mail!" you finally say. About time, too. "Good," I say, simply before redoing your pants as I begin to calm down. I look into your eyes and see that they still hold that worry they held before.
You, Mihael Keehl, were afraid? Of me? Dear God what have I done to you? "Mells…" I practically whisper. Can you even hear me? "I didn't mean to…I would never…" I try to say. What was I trying to do? It doesn't matter now. You lean up and nuzzle my shoulder. "It's fine, Matt," you say. You smirk that evil smirk. Oh dear God what are you thinking? "It was a little different having you be so…rough," you admit, the smirk still plastered across your face. You always smirk when you're plotting something evil, which can only make me worry. "But, it wasn't as if I didn't enjoy it." I chuckle darkly as you bring your hands the arms I can see have pinned you at the shoulders. When did that happen?
"That look in your face was rather attractive. Maybe you should have been on top more often." You're not helping with the lustful bastard part of me, Mells. I push your hands off of my arms and sit up, showing off the rather noticeable bulge in my pants. Shit. "Mells," I say against my own will. Part of me still wants to take you, but part of me knows that will be a waste of valuable time with you, my Mihael. My Mihael…I could actually call you that since you are indeed under my willpower now. I am your weakness. You are mine, just as I am yours. "We shouldn't be fucking when we're probably going to die soon."
You sigh and we both shift uncomfortably as we try to get rid of the signs of our previous engagements. "You're probably right," you say, aggravated, "but if we don't do something, even if it is that stupid little pansy 'make love' shit," you roll you're eyes but I know you actually like making love instead of just mindlessly fucking, "I will kill you, and it won't be because of my mission." I smile, enjoying that we can actually have our common banters the day before our deaths. Is that even a good thing?
"Fine," I reply, "we have hours to do that. You continue to show that evil little smirk. I was in for it later. But in the mean time…
My thoughts are interrupted by you showing seriousness on your face again. "We're so young…"you begin. You were right we were young. Too young to be dying, anyway. Most people lived to be seventy, eighty, hell even a hundred years before they died. I was only nineteen and you were only twenty. We should have a long life ahead of us. We should be growing old together in a normal world, living normal lives with normal jobs.
But when were our lives ever normal? And when did we ever wish to be normal. I could care less about life anyway and you're mission was to succeed the greatest detective in the world. I was also in that lineup to become L. We were not normal.
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
Plus, we had seen much more than most older people. You and I have practically lived a full life. Sure, I'd like to have a few years rest to just relax and have a few years alone with you when no one was out to kill us, but live or die that wouldn't happen. Our years of peace together will come when were are dead, which will be soon. I am glad about that, in a way.
"Mihael," I say, lying back on top of you, "we've lived our lives. We've been around the world, we've hunted a serial killer that uses practically mythical ways to kill, and we've both done rather illegal things for the sake of avenging L, taking over Near, and saving the world from a psycho's form of justice. We may be young in years, but as far as life is concerned, we've lived more than most people could ever dream of." I wrap my arms around you and kiss your lips, more gently than last time.
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
I rest my head in the nape of your neck and gently plant kisses there. I feel the vibrations of your neck as you speak. "Mail, I'm tired." I trace my lips across your collar bone before I raise my head to look into your eyes. "If you want to sleep, you can. We can just wake up ear-" I am cut off by you shaking your head. "No, Mail. That's not what I mean." You're frustrated, I can tell, and this confuses me. "I mean, I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of always having to run and kill. I'm tired of leading such an insane lifestyle. It's tiring." And now I understand.
"Then, after this mission, this will end, either you'll beat Near and you can be L and we can live together in a peaceful, Kira-less world, or…we'll be living together in peace in the afterlife."
"Can we move to the bed? This couch is uncomfortable as hell," you ask, and you are right. This is uncomfortable. I stand up and hold my hand out to help you up as we walk to the just as ugly bedroom and lay down in each other's arms. "It will be over soon," I whisper.
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll be together soon
In the blackest of rooms
I look back down at your beautiful face framed, as if a halo, by your golden hair and I can see tears running down it. "Everything will be fine. We'll be together once it's all over," I say as I lean down to kiss your tears away. You shake your head, which just brings out more tears. "I don't want it to be over," you state harshly, "For it to be truly over, we have to die and I want to be able to be with you while I'm alive. I've never even been able to tell anyone about you. I've never been able to show you off like a normal partner should." You want people to know about us? You caress my cheek with your palm, bringing me down for a kiss. An idea strikes.
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the 'no's' on their vacancy signs
"Mells, this might hurt a bit." I bring out a pocket knife from the inside of my vest and shake the vest off. It wasn't even cold. It was just separating me and you from each other that much more. "Mail Jeevas, what the hell do you think you're doing?" you say sternly. "You want to show the world we were together. Let's show them. We can write each other's names in our arms or wherever you choose. Call it masochism or craziness before our death, whatever. Let's do it. Let's show the world how much we mean to each other." You look at me like I'm crazy. Hell, I probably am. Who else would do this? I'm not exactly in my sane mind. I'm about to die, for Christ's sake.
"Besides," you begin. "It's not as if anyone would understand it. They don't know either of our names." I merely smirk as I trace the edge of the small blade with my thumb. The world will know, oh yes, the world will soon know that Mail Jeevas and Mihael Keehl were lovers. "The world doesn't know who we are, but Near does. And last time I checked, if Near wins, he will become L. Everyone knows L. Surely they will ask who we are. The current L probably will. And when they do, we can make sure that he says 'They were lovers who worked together to take down me and Kira'. Then they will know. They will know that we were in love"
"Mail, you sick freak," you say, laughing slightly while shaking your head. "Okay, okay, if this is how you want to show the world, then yes, I will do it." I smile a huge smile as I run to the kitchen to get paper towels. I quickly run back and sit on the bed, beckoning your arm forward. Thank God you were only wearing your vest so I didn't have to go through the trouble of taking off your jacket. I tear off a few sheets of the paper towel before tracing an 'M' into your forearm, deep enough to leave a scar. You wince in pain, something else you would never do normally, and I dab at the cut to soak up the blood.
The bleeding continues after I hold the paper towel there, but I move on to cut the 'A' into your arm and pull another sheet of the roll to hold onto it with the same hand used to hold the other towel. I go on and carve the two 'T's' into your arm. You continue to wince in pain and I hold the paper towels onto your arm until the bleeding slows.
Slowly, the bleeding stops and I pull the dirty paper towels off and go into the bathroom to throw away the dirty paper towels. I grab a rag lying on the side of the bath tub and turn the sink on before holding it under until it was soaked. I ring it out and walk back into the old bedroom. I hold the rag onto your arm and scrub away the blood, staining the rag. I feel sorry for whoever cleans up this place. They're going to have a mess in the morning. I continue to scrub away your blood until there's only a fresh cut on your pale skin. I see you continue to wince in pain and trace my lips across the new cut. You begin to relax and I unzip your vest to take it off.
I kiss from the cut upwards, to your shoulder, then up to your neck. I linger there for a moment before I feel myself being pinned down onto the bed. You always were the stronger one. "Should you really be attacking a person who has a knife in their hand?" I ask. You merely shrug, you've probably done worse. "You have proof that I am yours, now I want proof that you are mine." We both smile lightly before you begin to mark your proof.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
After you are finished marking me as yours and cleaning up the cut, you kiss me lightly on the lips. "I love you," you whisper in my ear. "I love you too," I whisper back. Near was smart. He would figure everything out in due time. But if not, there would always be the note I planned to write tomorrow morning and put in my vest explaining everything to him. He would definitely find it. He would know what to do. He wasn't an idiot. But for now, there are other things to attend to.
I will follow you into the dark
I don't think you will ever truly know how deeply I care for you and love you. There is no mission hard enough to help you on, no scar deep enough, and no words strong enough. My love for you has led me to my death but, ironically, let me live longer than I was supposed to. You've made me live in hiding, yet made me the happiest man alive, all the same. Though the odds are stacked against us, we must try anyway. If we do win, you will be truly happy, which will make me happy. If we lose, we will finally be together in the peace that we both deserve, whether it be heaven, hell, or purgatory. We will be together, no matter what. I will follow you forever, even in death. For these final few hours of the night, we will make love several times, hold each other, and whisper countless 'I love you's. We probably won't even go to sleep for fear of letting each other go and wasting time we could spend together for something as pointless as sleep.
Tomorrow we will go on with our mission, focusing on nothing but that, but we will find our peace together very soon to focus on only each other.
I will follow you into the dark
Well wasn't that fun. Anyways, read and review and I will love you forever.
By the way...anyone want a companion lemon to this fanfic? I want to write one but...only if you want me to...