A/N: (You can skip this part if you want) Hi, all. This came out of me all at once this week when I was at a roadblock with my other two stories. It was weird too because it came out present tense (and I don't do present tense that often). I tried to go back and change it, but it seems like it only WANTS to be present tense. So, okay. I am a slave to the muse.
Anyway, this may end up being a multi chapter spin off that goes with the "Not to Yield" storyline. It's sort of an expanded version of the events alluded to in the first two paragraphs of "Not to Yield Part 2," chapter 5, but I guess you can read it solo if you keep in mind these few things: 1. Caleb is Hera and Kanan's kid (I named him that before I knew about Jacen) 2. Kanan died saving Lothal in a very mysterious way that Ezra and Hera do not understand (hence, their angst over his death). Ezra deals with his pain in much the same way as Kanan...
Warning for extreme angsty goodness…(Angst is what fanfic is made up of, right?) You guys are awesome and thanks for letting me entertain you, once more. :)
1.
Ezra sneaks onto the Ghost, trying to be quiet. He's remarkably graceful for one so hungover, but he's able to keep from stumbling or causing a ruckus so early in the morning. The ship is cold, which is a step up from freezing-your-ass-off frigid, which is the rest of Hoth. He makes his way into the fresher, examining the face under the black knit cap in the mirror.
This time it's a black eye he comes home with. Last time it was a graze from a blaster bolt that he claims he got from some troopers that got too close. The lying is getting easier and easier, which troubles him a bit, but not enough to stop. Protecting his family is second nature. If they knew what he was struggling with...they would worry.
He showers and brushes his teeth to get rid of the horrible taste in his mouth. Drying his wet hair with a towel, he eyes his face in the mirror. He's pale, which makes the black eye look even worse. It's like the cold of Hoth has frozen the life out of him.
Ezra hopes everyone is on duty, and he can sleep off some of the hangover he has before he has to face Hera and Sabine's questions, but it's not to be. As soon as he steps out from the fresher, Caleb attacks his legs, clinging tightly.
"Ezra! Safe home, Ezra!"
"Hey, kid." Ezra says weakly. He lifts the little boy into his arms and nestles him against his side. Somedays, he thinks the kid is the only thing keeping him sane.
Now that he's eye level with Caleb, the boy reaches out one small hand toward Ezra's face. He's whispering. "Oh no. Ouch. Big ouch?"
"It's fine. I just bumped into something." He smiles, but it feels wrong on his face. Caleb notices and a crease appears on his forehead. Ezra feels guilty for the hundredth time.
Hera is moving about in the common area. "Ezra, you're back? Can you bring Caleb in here for breakfast?"
Ezra sighs, "Yeah, of course."
Entering the common room, he meets Hera's eyes. "Ezra…" she says, disapprovingly as she sees the black eye.
"Big ouch…" Caleb mumbles, looking from Ezra to his mother worriedly.
"You okay?" Hera asks.
"Yeah," he says. "It's nothing. Job hazard."
She looks at his skinned knuckles, then back up at him with a raised eyebrow. She knows the job was to simply drop off supplies, but she doesn't bust his chops…yet.
He squirms a little under her gaze as she sets down a plate of waffles, cut into tiny pieces, along with pieces of jogan fruit for Caleb. "Sit, Ezra. I'll make you something."
"Not very hungry. Just some caf maybe?" Ezra gets Caleb situated in the booster seat in the booth and the boy begins picking up the tiny pieces of waffle and flying them into his mouth. It makes Ezra laugh in spite of himself, which feels good for about a nanosecond before the depression settles back in.
Hera watches the two of them as she brings over his caf. She stands beside him, her eyes on Caleb for a moment, then she places a hand on Ezra's head. His hair is too short to ruffle it like she used to. "Hey. Do I need to be worried?"
He glances up at her as her hand slips to his shoulder, and he lies. "No way. Just ran into a scuffle, no problems." The truth is, he doesn't know what happened. He remembers getting extremely drunk, then everything else is a blackout. Two things he's sure of: he didn't kill anyone and he didn't use his lightsaber during the fight. He's not sure how he knows, but he does.
She looks as if she doesn't want to believe him, but then she nods, sighs tiredly, and takes up her cup. "Okay, love. I'm on duty in half an hour. Rex offered to watch Cale. Could you take him there?"
"I'll be here most of the day." Ezra says. "I can watch him here."
Hera knows that Ezra and Caleb have a bond, but the Jedi's not looking that great right now. "You sure? You look tired."
He shook his head. "I'm fine. Watching Caleb's no problem."
"Ok. I'll comm Rex and let him know we have it covered."
"Yay! Ezra!" Apparently, Caleb is pleased as he flies a piece of Jogan into his mouth. He's a kid though, and his coordination is off, so he hits the side of his mouth instead and giggles. "Crash!" He snaps up the fruit like a hungry bird, laughing the whole time, and Ezra smiles a real smile, for the first time in a while.
"You be good." Hera kneels beside her son and he leans in, pressing his forehead against hers.
"Love you, Mama," he whispers.
"Love you too, baby Caleb." He giggles; at this point, he doesn't mind being called baby, but he will in about six months.
"Back soon?" Caleb asks her.
"Not too soon, but back before dark," she promises and he nods, turning back to his waffle.
Hera looks over and sees Ezra's troubled blue eyes. She looks as tired as he feels. "I love you too, baby Ezra." She smiles, a bit sadly. Ezra hasn't been anyone's baby for a long time, but she wants to enfold him in her arms and make everything better. Nothing will make anything any better again, though. Hera's smart enough to know that, so she doesn't even try—failing would hurt too much.
"Thanks, mom." He replies, as a joke, but it comes out more sincere than sarcastic, and his eyes skate away to his cup.
Hera's up and gone before either of them can say anything that will break the delicate crystal of their tenuous emotional states. If either of them started crying, they wouldn't be able to stop, and they both know it.
Hera's gone about a minute when Caleb says the thing that's on his mind.
"Are we brothers?" He asks, revealing again for the hundred-millionth time that he is always listening. He soaks up everything like a sponge—asking an endless supply of questions.
"Yeah." Ezra says, taking another sip of Hera's heavenly caf. Force bless her. "Hera and your dad adopted me."
"What's 'dopted?"
"When someone takes you in and makes you part of the family." Ezra replies.
"Did Mom and Dad 'dopt Zeb? And Bean too?"
Ezra can't get the stupid grin off his face at the reaction Kanan would have had to that question about Zeb. "Yeah. We're all one big happy family, kiddo."
Caleb thinks again another long moment. Gears are turning in that little head of his. "Not always happy."
Ezra almost spit his caf. There it was. Damn if the kid didn't have a way of cutting through all the banthashit with few words.
Kanan's blue-green eyes are looking at him out of the kid's face. Waiting for Ezra to make his broken family better.
"Maybe not, but we're trying. Trying really hard," Ezra says hoarsely, reaching out to brush the kid's brown hair out of his eyes. The strands are sticky. "Caleb, how did you get syrup in your hair?"
"I dunno," he shrugs. "Maybe 'cause I'm talented?" It was something Hera always said when she flew them out of danger, and it makes Ezra laugh softly again.
"You are that, Caleb Jacen Jarrus. Keep eating, then we'll get you cleaned up after."
Finally, when the kid has cleaned up, built a space station out of little plastic blocks, chased Chopper around the ship and played with his educational programs on his datapad, he is finally ready for a nap. He crawls into the Dejarik booth, dragging a blanket and Tooka, his stuffed Loth-cat with him. Ezra is trying his best to focus on writing a mission report, but he's been staring at the same line for the past hour.
"Sleepy." Caleb snuggles up against Ezra, his thumb in his mouth. His lekku are moving very slowly, so Ezra knows sleep is not far off. He rubs small circles on the boy's back and sees the ghost of his Master's features in the kid's face. He doesn't want to fail the boy any more than he wanted to fail Kanan, but he just doesn't see how to put the broken pieces of his life back together anymore.
"Sleep, buddy. I'll be here." He murmurs. It's the best he can do.