Sokka's got a lot on his mind. Ba Sing Se has fallen, Aang is hovering on death's door, and Zuko has officially joined the Gaang, and as if all of that wasn't enough, he's pretty sure he just witnessed his sister's first kiss.

This can be read on its own, but if you want to check out some of my other stuff, might I suggest scoping out the short pieces that make up the backstory to this piece, which were originally written for Zutara Month 2015: Royalty, Caught, In His/Her Shoes, Whisper, and Survive. Find them under A Little Bit of This, and a Little Bit of That.

First Kiss

"SO," TOPH BEGAN, AS SHE PICKED BITS OF DIRT FROM BENEATH HER FINGERNAILS WITH HER TEETH.

Sokka slumped deeper into the pilot's bench, Appa's reins resting lightly in fists that opened and closed, opened and closed, without the slightest bit of input from his conscious mind. "I don't want to talk about it."

There was no response for a few moments. A perverse, mocking imitation of hope began to bloom in his heart, which felt weird, because his heart was currently residing somewhere in his left boot. Maybe, just maybe, Toph was going to follow so up with something less…less…less troubling than what was currently preying on his mind. Maybe, for example, she would finally admit to him that she was gay, and start regaling him with tales of wild, all female orgies. Or perhaps she would pop glass lenses out of her eyes and inform him that she was, in fact, not blind, but had only pretended to be blind to fuck with him, him and only him, because at that moment Aang would spring forth from his coma and everyone would link arms and say, Surprise!

Or maybe I'll blink, and we'll be back in the Si Wong Desert, and this will all turn out to have been nothing but a cactus juice-induced hallucination! He chewed on that idea for a moment, rolling his head side-to-side, the back of the pilot's bench digging into the base of his skull. Sure, that particular possibility was pretty far-fetched, but on the other hand, it made a bizarre kind of sense. And what had Aunt Wu said? Your life will be full of torment, most of it self-inflicted, I'm afraid. The events of the past day-or-so were exactly the kind of thing his subconscious would come up with while tripping on drugs.

Though, he pondered, his brain seeing a chance for digression and latching onto it like a drowning man hurls himself at a piece of driftwood, could cactus juice be called a drug? Sure, it has drug-like qualities, I could definitely see how someone could get addicted to it, and its effects were remarkably similar to what I've had been told opium is like, but on the other hand, I've only encountered it in its natural state, and what is a drug, really? Is it any substance that has drug-like effects, or is it only substances that have been artificially altered, enhanced, and/or processed by humans? Furthermore-

"So," Toph finally continued, having switched from picking dirt from her nails with her teeth to digging dirt out from between her teeth with her nails, which seemed rather inefficient to Sokka, "interesting day."

Fuck. Sokka fixed his eyes firmly on the horizon, allowing himself to marvel at the way the glow of the setting sun behind them interacted with the storm clouds looming to the southwest, otherwise known as my right. "Like I said," he spat out through gritted teeth, "I don't want to talk about it."

"I mean," Toph continued, having turned her attentions to her other hand, "I still can't believe Ba Sing Se actually fell! Sure, I wasn't overly attached to the place, I'm from the southern part of the Earth Kingdom, remember, and we've rebelled against Ba Sing Se more times than I care to count. Still, though, it's pretty trippy."

Sokka actually noticed his hands tightening around Appa's reins this time. "Toph, seriously, if you're going to ignore that I don't want to talk about it, then at least have the common decency to hurry up and get it over with." As he said this, Sokka did his best to ignore the fact that Toph Bei Fong and common decency had never had a particularly close relationship, instead choosing to focus on his eternal mantra: I may be a fool, but even fools are right occasionally.

"Do you think the Emperor is going to be okay? Sure, I wasn't terribly impressed by him, none of us were, dude has the heartbeat of a librarian, but surely even Ozai would hesitate to just outright kill him."

Sokka shrugged, wondering how it was he kept finding himself in these situations. It's Katara's fault, somehow, I just know it is. "Maybe they'll give the throne to Bosco."

Toph threw back her head and did her best imitation of a laugh. Being well-versed in the nuances of Toph's often sarcastic laughter, Sokka gave the effort a three-out-of-ten. "That's pretty good!" she said, leaning over to punch him in the arm. Hey, I didn't yelp like a little girl this time! Progress! "Not gonna lie, I'd pay good money to see that."

Sokka spotted another chance for digression and leapt for it. "Do you even have good money anymore, though? Or any money, what with the government fallen and everything?"

Toph waved the possibility away. "Trust me, my father will manage to land on both feet. He's probably swapping out all the books in the library for Fire Nation classics as we speak."

Sokka grimaced. "Nice guy."

Toph shrugged. "Eh, at this point, can't say I blame him. The government in Ba Sing Se stopped caring about anything outside of the central provinces years ago; my family has had to take care of Gaoling on their own for a long time."

Sokka turned his head to Toph, looked her up and down, and, as usual, could find nothing beyond her usual Mask of Smirking Coolness. His sister was the only one who could get behind that mask, and his sister was currently busy trying to keep Aang alive with the help of…the help of…

The help of…

"I have to admit," Toph said, "even I was surprised when Zuko turned on his sister like that. Totally didn't see that coming."

"Uh huh," Sokka muttered, declining to point out that he had called Zuko's inevitable heel-face turn ages ago. Which is a big moment of personal growth for me, really, passing on the opportunity to brag.

Whatever, you're just filing it away for later because bringing it up now will only prolong this torture.

Shut your trap, Inner Sokka, I'm basking in a moment of mature, adultlike growth, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

You once put on a skirt to get in a girl's pants.

No, I put on a skirt to further my training as a warrior and deepen and expand my own personal growth.

Bullshit.

Also, Suki wasn't wearing any pants, so your point is invalid.

…alright, you got me.

Thought so.

"Are you even listening?"

Sokka blinked, tearing his eyes away from the horizon. "Oh, sorry, I was just…uh…you know, looking at those storm clouds, you know, trying to figure out if we have to worry about them, Appa's pretty tired, don't know if he can handle a storm."

"Uh huh…those storm clouds?" Toph replied, pointing to the northwest, her finger indicating the opposite end of the horizon from the actual storm clouds.

"No, those ones over…over…gods-dammit, Toph."

Toph giggled, looking obscenely pleased with herself. "Don't worry, Snoozles," she said, patting him on the shoulder, "you'll get it down one day."

Sokka replied to that with a few choice obscenities muttered under his breath, flipping Toph the bird (for all the good it does) and slumping deeper into the bench.

"What was that?" Toph asked, making a big show out of cupping a hand to her ear.

"Kiss my ass, Toph."

"Love you, too, Sokka." She took a deep breath, let it out, before propping a foot on one knee and going hunting for dirt under her toenails, a process made all the weirder by the fact that she did it all without looking down at what she was doing. Sure, Sokka thought to himself, ignoring her actions and focusing on the horizon, intellectually, I know she doesn't need to see what she's doing, she can't, actually, but it's still weird to see sometimes. Like that time that-

"Anyways," Toph said, "like I was saying, just…really weird day, you know? Just…absolutely bizarre week, all-in-all. I mean, my father hires two goons to kidnap me, I accomplish what generations of scholars and inventors have failed to do before me and unlock the secrets of bending metal, I get my lone, blind, petite self back into Ba Sing Se on my own, pretty much single-handedly break into the Crystal Catacombs, sure, you and Aang and the Old Man helped, but you would've been helpless without me, Ba Sing Se falls, the Fire Nation pretty much wins the War, Aang gets zapped, the Old Man gets captured, Zuko joins our side, and, oh yeah, your sister pulled Zuko onto Appa and stuck her tongue so far down his throat that I'm surprised she didn't choke him to death."

Sokka shut his eyes, desperate to keep the truth of that image from imprinting itself into his permanent memories. "How could you even tell that's what she did?"

Toph scoffed. "Hey, I'm blind, but I'm not that blind. I leave that level of willful obliviousness to you, Snoozles."

"Toph? Remember earlier, when I told you to kiss my ass?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I changed my mind. Instead of kissing my ass, just go ahead and go fuck yourself."

"No problem! Got any cucumbers laying around?"

Sokka smacked a hand to his face. "Toph, for La's sake…"

Toph chuckled. "Alright, alright, seriously, though, did Sugar Queen saving her prince look as badass as it sounded?"

Sokka tried his best to ignore how that rescue ended, and instead focused on the lead-up. "It was, actually. Fit for a song, if I'm honest."

"Ah, so that explains it…"

"Explains what?"

"Why they're currently fucking like a couple of dogs in heat."

"WHAT?!" Sokka bellowed. He shot to his feet, whirled around, almost fell off Appa, wildly flailed and wind-milled his arms and for a moment knew, not thought, knew, that he was about to die, but it was fine, because Aunt Wu could suck it, it wouldn't be his fault, like he had always suspected would be the case, no, it was his sister's fault, and he could lord that over her in the afterlife for the rest of eternity, even Yue would have to admit that I would have cause, but finally Toph grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him forward where he bashed his forehead into the back of the bench hard enough to make his ears ring, but hey, at least I'm not going to die, but that stupid fucking jerkbender is, and he propped himself up on the back of the pilot's bench and rubbed his eyes and shook his head until the world became clear again and started to pull himself up and over the back of the bench, it was going to be bad enough that Aang was on death's door and how was he supposed to explain Katara's new boyfriend to their father when they got to Chameleon Bay, man, Dad's going to kill me, and he was opening his mouth to put a stop to it all when his vision cleared and he saw-

Aang, chest softly rising and falling under a blanket, far, far away, and Katara and Zuko, exhausted, leaning against the side of the saddle, snuggled together under a blanket, obviously fully clothed, obviously fast asleep, Katara's head nestled into the crook between Zuko's shoulder and his chest, Zuko's arm tight around her shoulders, Zuko's head lolled back against the rim of the saddle, mouth hanging wide, softly snoring.

How they slept through Toph's hysterical laughter, Sokka would never know.

How he resisted shoving her off Appa was an even bigger mystery.

Hey motherfuckers, guess what?! I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! *maniacal Toph-like laughter*

But seriously, it feels so fucking good to be back on here. I'm so sorry I was away for so long. Basically, life walked up and kicked me in the balls, dragging me kicking and screaming away from you, my lovely, amazing, wonderful readers. I'll never forgive myself for missing all of the Zutara events last year, but this year? I'm going to make up for it. Damn right, we're gonna do Zutara Week and Zutara Month and I've got, like, more stories mapped out and partially written than I can shake a stick at. I've got stuff for my own brand of ATLA and Zutara, I've got stuff for the Legend of Zelda, I've even got stuff for motherfucking Star Wars, yo.

What I'm saying is that it's going to be a good year. My wife has demanded it. She's been so starved for my work that she's currently re-reading all of my fic, even Wild, Wild Love, which is the worst and I don't know why you guys all like it so much.

Wild, Wild Love, by the way, is, by far, my most popular and well-reviewed work. It's also my least favorite, which just goes to show you why you should never trust an artist's opinion of their own work.

Anyhoo, about the story: Like I said at the top, this can easily be read as a standalone piece, but if I didn't shamelessly whore out my previous work, well, that wouldn't be very on-brand of me, now would it? For those who still need to be sold, about five of the stories from Zutara Month 2015 were part of what I like to call the Ripples from an Oasis AU, wherein Zuko finds Yue alone in the Spirit Oasis, and she manages to get through to him in a way no one had really tried to up to the point. These five stories - including this one, oddly enough - can be read as a kind of Different Path prequel, though you shouldn't read that one, either, because I'm going to re-write it if it kills me.

As for the story itself, well...if you're new here, it's important for you to know that I derive bizarre pleasure from writing Zutara with as little direct Zutara as humanly possible. Don't get me wrong, I love me some good ole' fashioned Zutara trash just as much as anyone with a pulse, but I just like to play around with the conventions of the genre, you know? Have a little fun. That's what we're doing here, having a little fun, naturally at Sokka's expense.

Quick Disclaimer: No, I do not endorse or condone Sokka's patriarchal, out-dated thought patterns towards the end there. To be fair, though, he's well aware that he's an idiot (his sister never lets him forget it), and honestly, he's under a lot of stress. People's brains do weird things under stress.

Toph sure gets him good, though, doesn't she?

What else, what else...oh! I can't remember if I mentioned this back during When Avatars Fall, but my wife had our baby! He's a boy, he's a year-and-a-half now, and he's, like, ninety-percent of why I've been too busy to focus on my writing for a while. But he's getting big and he's going to start school soon and grad school is wrapping up, and my wife all but pinned me down and threatened my life if I didn't do Zutara Week this year, so a big round of applause for my wife!

*applause*

MOVING ON!Tomorrow, we tune back into our favorite fictional couple that should have been. We return to the Cop/Doctor AU (also sketched out in A Little Bit of This, and a Little Bit of That) as Katara's eldest daughter asks her what cunt means. Stay tuned!