Title: Barathrum High
Fandom: Underworld
Wordcount: 1, 908
Rating: PG-13, for language
Pairing(s): Lucian/Kraven, Raze/Erika(minor pairing), Selene/Michael
Genre: Parody/Humour
Contains: slash
Notes: This is a blatant butchering of canon, so I apologize of it hurts you like it did me. oh god my brain ow ow Also, this is mostly unedited, and I wrote it very quickly, so it's not my best work. Barathrum means 'underworld' in Latin.
Disclaimer: I do not own Underworld or any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them.
Summary: Underworld, high school style. Selene, Kraven, Viktor, and Erika are the popular kids. Lucian, Raze, and the Lycans are the weird kids. Michael is the mysterious junior. Shenanigans happen.
10 days
Selene stomped, scowling, into her first period class and dropped into her seat with a dramatic swirl of her coat. The boy sitting in front of her sighed.
"What's wrong now, Selene?"
Selene glared at the boy. "What's wrong? Only everything! Not that you'd care, Kraven. You don't care about anyone but yourself."
Kraven turned around in his seat and returned the glare in kind. This was a daily occurrence between the two of them. Though in reality, they were firm friends, and would defend each other to the last, they constantly fought about even the most trivial of things.
When Kraven saw Selene's miserable expression, however, his fierce look softened.
"All, right, Selene, what is it?"
"The prom is in ten days, and I still don't have a date!" She stared at Kraven, expression tragic. He noted with alarm that she seemed very close to crying, and awkwardly patted her arm.
"And," she went on, "I was just walking down the hall, minding my own business, when one of those stupid Lycans or whatever they call themselves called me a 'dirty vamp'. I was just going to class!" she wailed.
The Lycans were a group of juniors, a sort of gang who seemed to have a strange grudge against the most popular students of the school, calling them 'vamps' and other, more derogatory names. Last year, one of them had gone on a rant in the middle of pre-calculus, saying that the Selene and Kraven and Viktor and the rest were 'sucking life from the school like a vampire sucks blood from a human'. The kid had been sent into therapy, but the name stuck.
Kraven was about to make a response, but was interrupted by the arrival of their teacher. Instead, he patted Selene's arm again, then turned to pay attention to the lecture.
9 days
"Hey, Kraven!" Kraven saw Selene running towards him, a huge smile on her face, which frightened him somewhat. Happy Selene usually resulted in bad things.
"What," he said warily.
"I have an idea! Why don't we go together to the prom? You know, just as friends."
"Selene…I don't think so."
"Aw, why not?" She looked crestfallen.
Kraven pretended to think. "Hmm, that's a hard one. Maybe because I'm gay? Also, I have a date."
"Ooh, who?"
Kraven smirked but said nothing.
"Oh, fine, spoilsport." Silence for a few seconds, then Selene perked up again. "Hey, have you heard about this junior, Michael something-or-other?"
"Uh, don't think so. Is he a Lycan?"
"Nope, but he used to be. Everyone's talking about him because he won't join up with them again."
"Huh." No matter how amazing they were, Kraven wasn't much interested in juniors.
8 days
"Viktor?"
"Selene?"
"Hi, look, I know we haven't really talked since we broke up, but I'm really sorry I was so mean, and I wanted to ask you something really really really important…"
"Uh. Sure, c'mon in."
"Thanks! So you know how prom's in 8 days?"
"…yes."
"Awesome! I was wondering if you would go with me? Just for old time's sake?"
"Listen, Selene…"
"Say yes! Say yes!"
"Sure, Selene."
"Okay! Cool!"
7 days
Selene sat in the cafeteria, tapping her pen irritably as she tried to figure out her homework and what dress to wear to the prom simultaneously. Finally, she let out a huff, shoving her homework away from her and resting her head in her hands.
"Are you okay?" asked a deep voice. Selene sat bolt upright and beheld the face of Michael-the-junior.
"Oh, hi."
He smiled slightly, and she realized abruptly that he was actually quite good looking. She let her eyes trail down his body, noting with approval how nicely shaped he was.
"Selene." Blushing, she jerked her eyes back up to his face. He was looking at her questioningly, and she realized he was still waiting for an answer.
"Uh. Yeah, I'm fine. Just –" she gestured to the piles of work around her "– stressed."
"Ah." He stood up abruptly. "Well, see you around." Michael wandered off, leaving Selene speechless. After a moment, she let out a sigh, and began working again.
6 days
The bell rang. Selene, half in a doze, jolted fully awake. Half the class was out the door already. She swore, shoved her things into her bag, and half ran out into the hall. If she hurried, she could get an iced tea from the vending machine and hopefully keep awake.
Selene increased her speed, accidentally slamming into a terrified-looking freshman. "Sorry!" she called behind her, then skidded to a halt in front of the machine. She managed to get it to swallow two crumpled one-dollar bills, and retrieved her iced tea. Suddenly, she noticed two people in the corner of the hall, making out. She rolled her eyes, unsurprised – this hallway was a popular makeout spot – and silently made her way over to them. Once she was right next to them, she said, extremely loudly, "Jeez, get a –"
The couple separated, and she caught sight of Lucian, the only senior Lycan, and Kraven.
"– room," she finished shakily. Her eyes darted between the two of them. "Oh my god. Oh my god." She noticed dimly that she was backing away.
Kraven advanced towards her. "Selene, let me – " Before he could finish, though, Selene turned and ran.
5 days
"I've been looking for you everywhere."
"Go away, Kraven. I don't want to talk to you."
"Let me explain, please, Selene…"
"There is absolutely no way you can explain this."
"He's not what you think."
"Not what I think! Have you heard what he's done? Viktor says –"
"Viktor is lying, Selene, just listen –"
"How dare you? How can you trust Lucian over Viktor?"
-silence-
"Is – is he your date?"
-pause-
"Yes."
"Oh my god."
"Selene…"
"Just stay away from me."
Later…
"Alright, this time I know you're not alright."
Selene looked up to see Michael. "Oh, it's you," she said dully. "I'm fine, really."
"Really? You sit around crying all the time?"
"Look, I'm having a really bad day, and I just need some time alone, okay?" Selene's voice rose almost to a wail.
Michael took a seat next to her on the bench. She was sitting in a courtyard, having hoped it would give her some privacy.
"Why don't you tell me what's wrong. It might make you feel better."
She heaved a tremendous sigh, then told him the entire story. "Isn't that awful? My own best friend…"
He didn't reply for a moment. Then –
"Selene, I have to tell you something, and you're probably not going to like it."
She nodded for him to continue.
"I was part of the Lycans, you might know that. I left them because I didn't like the way they treated others. But Lucian…he is better than the others, and he is the only one with a reason to hate Viktor. Lucian and Viktor used to date, but Viktor broke Lucian's heart…told him that he was a loser and would never be good enough. It was cold, really cold. Viktor isn't who you think he is."
Selene was silent. She didn't want to believe him, but…things were finally falling into place.
"Well, I'm definitely not going to the prom with Viktor, then!"
"You could go with me," suggested Michael. A few days ago, Selene would have said no, based only on the fact that he was a junior, but now…
"Okay."
"Awesome," Michael grinned.
4 days
Ring…ring…ring…
"Hello?"
"Hello Viktor, this is Selene."
"Hey, Selene, how's it going?"
"Oh, alright. Listen I just called to say that you're an unbelievable douchecanoe and not only will I not go with the prom with you, but I don't even want you to come near me. Ever. Again. Got it?"
"I – what?"
Click…dial tone.
3 days
"Kraven! Lucian!"
Kraven turned, a cold expression on his face, his hand tightening around Lucian's.
"What do you want, Selene?"
Selene began speaking very quickly. "Look, I just want you to know that I broke up with Viktor and I'm really sorry and you guys make a really cute couple and I'm sorry I didn't listen and I'm really really sorry so please forgive me? Pleeeeeeaaaasse?"
Kraven felt Lucian's hand pull away from him as the other boy began to laugh uncontrollably.
"You said she was insane," Lucian choked, "I just didn't quite believe you…" He subsided into laughter again.
Kraven grabbed Selene in a tight hug. "Of course I forgive you." He stepped away. "So you are you going with now?"
"Michael," she said, extremely cheerfully.
2 days
"Selene, can I talk to you?"
Selene stared disdainfully at Viktor. "If you must," she sniffed.
"This is about something Lucian said, isn't it? Or is it Kraven? I always knew he was a loser – OW!" Selene had slapped him across the face.
"Listen to me very closely, you absolute jerk, do not ever ever ever insult my friends." She stalked off, coat flowing behind her.
1 hour before prom
"KRAVEN!"
"What, you batshit insane harpy?"
"Where is my lipstick?"
"What lipstick?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT LIPSTICK! MY FAVORITE LIPSTICK, THE ONE YOU KEEP STEALING!"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Kraven, give it back, or so help me, I will castrate you with my eyelash curler."
"Okay! Fine! Have it! But don't pretend you don't steal my stuff."
"Your clothes look better on me anyway."
"Bitch!"
"Heyyyy! Meanie!"
"Well, your lipstick looks better on me."
"Does not."
Lucian and Michael sat, fully dressed, on the sidelines, trying to avoid the wrath of their dates.
"Do you ever get the feeling that both of them are completely insane?" Michael asked mournfully.
"Do I? Better to ask if I ever don't get that feeling."
Michael sighed. "We're screwed, aren't we."
"Yup," Lucian answered cheerfully.
The Prom
It was a perfect night.
Selene danced with Michael all night long, and Kraven with Lucian. Occasionally, they would all stop and have some snacks and make fun of Viktor, who couldn't get a single person to dance with him. It was strange, Selene mused, how the divisions between Lycans and vampires(she and Kraven had decided to accept the name and make it their own), juniors and seniors…had simply disappeared. She had spotted Erika dancing with Raze, and of course, herself and Michael and Lucian and Kraven. All in all, it was wonderful, and a perfect way to end the year. She sighed happily, and leaned her head on Michael's shoulder.
Two months later
"Wow! College!" Selene bounced up and down. "This place is so pretty!" She grinned at Michael, who was apparently super smart and had graduated a year early. He smiled back and squeezed her hand.
"Stop it, you two. All your lovey-doveyness is going to make me puke."
Selene glared into the backseat. "Shut it, Kraven. It's not like you and Lucian aren't joined at the hip."
"Don't bring me into your insane arguments," muttered Lucian. Selene and Kraven turned on him with frightening expressions.
"I take it back!"
"Good," Kraven growled.
Selene let out a dreamy sigh. "All four of us sharing an apartment…it's going to be so fun, don't you think?"
"Totally!" said Kraven.
"Oh, yes…fun," said Michael unconvincingly, shooting Lucian a pained look in the rearview mirror.
"This is going to be the best year everrrrr!" chorused Kraven and Selene.
And they drove off into the sunset.
-fin-