Bucky's recovery seemed to go well.
When Steve had found him he was nothing more than a hollow person, just a shell, that desperately wanted to be filled with anything. It didn't matter to him what it was that filled him and when he let Steve find him he had hoped that Steve would be glad to tell him everything.
But it seemed like Steve had talked to some therapists first and he didn't give Bucky anything. Bucky had to work out everything for himself, he had to regain every memory on his own. Steve would only confirm or deny what Bucky told him but he never offered anything of his own.
It had made Bucky furious in the beginning and more than once was it the reason why he fell back on the Winter Soldier.
By now, almost a year later, he knew that Steve had done the right thing, that by not telling him he prompted Bucky to search for answers himself. And Bucky had searched. So much so that he almost felt like a real person again.
Even though everyone kept telling him how good he was doing, how much progress he'd made, he still went to see his therapist once a week. He had resented the man at first, kept silent the whole time, but after a while he had opened up, allowed himself to talk to the man. It had been a rough time but eventually Bucky had made it through. Nowadays he only suffered from the occasional nightmare and, if he was very unlucky, from a panic attack that usually resulted in him falling back into Winter Soldier mode.
At least that was what he told his therapist.
The reality looked quite different.
Bucky did remember his past now, he regained all of his memory, but he didn't feel it. While he got back his memory from before the war, he also remembered everything during his time as the Winter Soldier and while it wasn't necessary longer, not with all the cryo-sleep in between, it was more present.
He felt more during the memories when he killed some innocent person than he did when he thought about his life from before the war. It was like a movie that was playing and about which he didn't care much. His every thought was occupied with the Soldier but he learned to pretend.
It wasn't that difficult with Steve, he wanted so desperately to believe that Bucky was back and doing better that it was easy to deceive him. Sam Wilson and his therapist were a different matter but Bucky had learned what to say and what to hide and so they also thought he was doing better.
The other Avengers, while they were quite perceptive, didn't doubt his progress and so they didn't look too closely. Bucky had thought that it would be a bit difficult to fool Natasha but it had been almost too easy to make her believe that he was doing well.
Bucky still wasn't good with several people at once and so no one pestered him about joining in on movie nights. He stayed clear of the kitchen when more than two people at once were there and he only sparred with Steve. The others gave him all the room he needed and Bucky was grateful that he didn't have to explain himself.
Steve had talked to Bucky's therapist about his behaviour, much to Bucky's dismay, but he seemed reassured afterwards and that was all Bucky really cared about. He didn't want Steve to interfere more, look closer at his behaviour, and so he allowed the occasional talk between his therapist and Steve.
One thing Bucky was very clear about though was being touched. He never allowed that and after his first few violent outbursts when someone had brushed him while walking past him they got the message.
One more thing Bucky didn't allow was for anyone to see him unclothed. He was very peculiar about his clothing and he always wore more than one layer. Never something constricting though, everything was too big on him, especially the pullover and sweat pants he was wearing. That also served to cover up his arm and while Bucky could hide his hand in the sleeve he opted to also wear a glove at all times.
He wanted the arm gone and when Tony approached him about it he told him as much. Tony withdrew himself with the schematics of the arm for several days and when he emerged again the look on his face was enough to tell Bucky that that wouldn't happen.
Too deep in his body, merged with bones and nerves, no way to get it fully out; that was all Bucky really took away from that conversation. Tony had offered to make him a new one, something that would fit Bucky's exact description but Bucky refused. He didn't want something new, he just wanted it completely gone and since that wasn't happening he had no desire to let Tony work on his arm at all.
His therapist told him to at least try it, to get rid of the last remnant of Hydra on him but Bucky couldn't stand the thought of getting a new arm even if it was custom made to his wishes.
A big part of that stemmed from the thought that he would have to take his layers off for Tony to be able to work on it and that was not happening especially if they couldn't get rid of everything.
After it became clear that the arm hurt Bucky Tony tried one more time to let him work on it, at least repair the damage, but Bucky just walked away from him and after that Tony never brought the arm up again. Bucky was surprised by that because Tony didn't seem to be someone that would easily let go of something but he seemed to respect Bucky's wishes.
Very unlike Steve who repeatedly asked him to think about it again; until Bucky snapped at him and the Soldier came dangerously close to the surface. After that Steve never interfered with his decisions again.
Pretending to be okay, lying to everyone and actually feeling like shit was exhausting and it wore him out. Bucky lost weighed which thankfully wasn't apparent under his layers and he slept less and less since the nightmares took over full time.
The seam were metal met flesh hurt worse with every day that passed and Bucky suggested that he could probably just ask Tony about it but he refused to do that. Too many consequences would come of that and so he kept pretending that everything was alright.
It didn't help that Bucky learned a lot of things about the Avengers, what they went through, as a team and individually, and it only served to make him feel more inadequate. They all seemed to cope so well whereas he was just drowning in everything.
Bucky tried to keep everything close to him, to not give away anything that could suggest he wasn't doing as good as he pretended to be, but when he was alone in the kitchen he couldn't help but to massage the seam to ease the pain.
He quickly pulled his hand away when Tony entered and Tony didn't mention anything. He walked over to the coffee maker and got himself a big cup before he walked away again.
He hadn't said anything to Bucky which was unusual for him but Bucky appreciated it. He wasn't really in the mood to talk about anything especially not why he was in the kitchen but not eating anything.
He had thought that maybe he would get hungry once he looked in the fridge but when he contemplated what to eat he actually felt sick so he just took a glass of water and sat down at the table.
The Avengers only came in the kitchen to eat and so it was probably pure luck that Tony hadn't commented on the lack of food. But then again Bucky had never seen Tony eat in the kitchen either so maybe it wasn't just luck.
The seam continued to hurt Bucky though it didn't get any worse but it was enough to bother him constantly. He couldn't help but rub at it every chance he got and it got progressively harder not do it when the others were around. Bucky managed just fine except with Tony.
Tony had caught him several times since that time in the kitchen but he never said anything about it.
Bucky hadn't slept in several days due to his nightmares and he was slumped over the kitchen table, glad that the others were all out on a mission. Bucky wasn't yet allowed to go with them and while he was worried about them he was also glad because he didn't feel up to the task yet.
Today Bucky was feeling worse and he was hot all over. He suspected that he was running a fever but he didn't care. His body would eventually take care of it. He only acknowledged it by simply wearing his t-shirt instead of the several layers that usually made up his outfit.
He was rubbing his scars constantly but it didn't help as much as it did before. He startled when the elevator dinged but he was too dizzy to comprehend what that could mean.
When Tony sauntered into the kitchen Bucky nearly fell of his chair. "Why are you here?" he asked and Tony sat down opposite of him.
"I only just came back. Business trip" he managed and sounded tired.
Tony put his head down on the table and didn't say anything else and Bucky's dizzy brain concentrated on the pain in his shoulder again. Bucky still rubbed a hand absentmindedly over his scars when Tony raised his head.
He put a jar from somewhere inside his suit in front of him and Bucky flinched, he had forgotten that Tony was still very much sitting across of him, and he hurried to cover his shoulder up. He felt exposed now that someone was there, he wasn't wearing his usual layers and he began to stand up.
He fully intended to ignore the jar Tony had put on the table but before he could leave Tony pointed at the jar. "It helps with the pain. Of the scars. Rub it in once a day."
Bucky visibly redrew himself at that; no one had seen his scars since the day Steve had brought him in and Bucky had wanted it to stay that way. He tugged at his shirt, tried to cover up as much as he could, but it was only a t-shirt and so more than half of his arm was still visible. Especially when he pulled the collar closer to his throat to conceal the scars.
"I don't need anything" he slowly said, voice rough from disuse and the scratchy feeling he had since that morning and Tony frowned.
"Okay first of all: are you sick? Because you look a bit feverish and your voice isn't doing so great either." Bucky didn't react to that but it didn't seem like Tony expected him to because he went right on. "Second: it's okay. We all have our scars."
Tony probably wanted it to be reassuring but it didn't help. It only reminded Bucky about the fact that the others were doing so well even though so much shit happened to them and that he couldn't compare in any way.
Bucky considered the scars to be the ugliest part of him; they were proof of what he let Hydra do to him and he had no right to compare them to the others who came out stronger because of them.
Maybe it was because of the fever, maybe he just didn't care to pretend any longer because when he opened his mouth he told Tony exactly that.
"But I have no right to... You have those scars for a reason. They made you something. You are better because of them. All of you. They just made me...broken."
Tony stared at him and Bucky felt uneasy under the scrutiny. He began to squirm when Tony continued to stare at him but eventually he spoke.
"They didn't make us better, Bucky. They broke us and we had to become stronger to bear them. We had years to adapt to them. You will get to that as well."
Tony sounded so sure that Bucky almost believed him. But then the pain in his shoulder reminded him of the truth and he avoided Tony's eyes. Tony seemed to be able to read Bucky because when he spoke again he sounded unhappy.
"Fine. Don't believe it. I probably wouldn't have either if someone told me that a few years ago. But it will get better eventually. You'll see. It takes time."
He shoved the jar closer to Bucky. "At least take this. It really does help" Tony said and absentmindedly rubbed his chest.
Bucky knew about the arc reactor, it was mentioned in Shield files and of course the blue glow was visible beneath most of Tony's clothes but Bucky had never considered what damage it probably had done. He always assumed that it was surgically implanted whith as less scarring as possible but now that Bucky thought about it, it seemed unlikely.
He tried to remember what he had read about the time Tony got it but he hadn't really paid attention to the files. He had been too busy being occupied with himself to take in everything he learned.
While Bucky was lost in thought he continued to stare at Tony's chest and now it was Tony who seemed uncomfortable under his gaze.
"Let's make a deal" Tony eventually said when Bucky didn't avert his eyes. "I'll get you something for that fever while you rub that into your shoulder. When I get back you can take a look at the reactor."
Bucky frowned when Tony got up. "What do you want for it?" he asked and was instantly guarded again. If Tony expected him to show his scars in return he was mistaken.
"Nothing. I only want you to use the lotion and take the medicine. If you think I'll expect you to show me your arm in exchange for my reactor you are mistaken."
Bucky wasn't convinced, he expected that Tony would bring this back up later again, but for now he agreed. He was too curious to let this opportunity pass.
Tony got up and left and Bucky slowly rubbed the lotion into his shoulder. It seemed to have a numbing effect on him and soon the pain was almost gone.
When Tony got back Bucky was all done and covered up again and Bucky suspected that he waited until Jarvis gave him the okay. He really appreciated it.
Bucky quickly swallowed the pill Tony handed him, trying not to think too much about what else it could be. Maybe Tony switched it out, gave him something different, but he tried hard to push that thought away. He lived with these people and he had to trust them.
When that was done, Tony came around the table to sit right next to Bucky and he wordlessly pulled up his shirt. Bucky always thought that the reactor was mostly on the surface but it seemed to be deeply imbedded into his chest. There was a net of scars around the reactor, some very thick and white against Tony's skin while others were barely visible.
Bucky extended a hand without thinking about it and Tony flinched back. "No touching" he said and his light tone sounded forced.
Bucky instantly dropped his hand again but he felt better. It was good to know that even though Tony seemed to be comfortable with the reactor he wouldn't allow for it to be touched. Maybe Bucky wasn't doing so badly after all.
After a few more minutes Bucky moved back from Tony and he pulled the shirt down. "The lotion makes the skin numb but in the long run it helps with the movability of the scars. It should be better in a few weeks."
It seemed like Tony wanted to leave now and Bucky was glad. It was enough socializing for him for one day and he wanted to go back to his room.
After that he repeatedly met Tony in the kitchen. Bucky couldn't tell if Jarvis told Tony when he was there or if it was a coincident and he didn't ask in fear that Tony would take that the wrong way and stop coming.
Bucky enjoyed his company; Tony had days when he chattered away non-stop, not caring if Bucky was even following him, but there were also days when Tony wouldn't say a word and Bucky didn't know what he liked better.
When the others came back from their mission Bucky didn't spend as much time in the kitchen as before, he always ran into someone there and Tony seemed to notice. When they ran into each other in the corridor one day Tony offered him to come down to the workshop.
Bucky had avoided the workshop so far, because he feared that once he was in there Tony would find a way to work on his arm but now he had more faith in Tony.
The first time he visited Tony in the workshop he was careful and on alert but it turned out that he didn't need to be. He met Dummy and You and found that he quite liked the bots and he enjoyed watching Tony in his own space.
After that Bucky spend most of his times in the workshop and even though the others noticed no one called him out on it. He had thought that at least Steve would say something to him but he just seemed glad that Bucky didn't spend most of his time in his dark room.
While Bucky's fever had passed after a day and with the help of the lotion his shoulder didn't hurt as much as before he still didn't eat properly and he also wasn't able to sleep.
He still had nightmares but the worst was when he woke up and didn't know what was happening or where he was. When he remembered he never could believe that this was real; he always thought that he was still with Hydra and in cryo-sleep and that he was just dreaming.
His life seemed so unreal some days that the Hydra option seemed like the more reasonable explanation.
He mostly acted on auto-pilot on those days and the only thing that helped was to feel for his pulse. On those days he stayed away from the others because he could only feel his pulse on his neck since he hadn't enough feeling in his metal hand.
But having to feel for the pulse on his neck drew too much attention if he was with the others and so he avoided them.
The only other thing that felt real to him on those days was the workshop. It was too loud and messy to belong to Hydra and the bots were a welcome distraction. Even though that was enough to calm him down and reassure him that this was indeed real on most days there were always the real bad days.
On those the workshop could only do so much for him and he still needed to feel his pulse. He tried to be sneaky about it, so that Tony wouldn't notice and Bucky thought he was doing a good job since Tony was usually caught up in his work but he had been wrong.
Bucky was sitting in his usual place on the couch trying to casually feel his pulse when Tony turned around on his chair and rolled over to sit in front of Bucky.
Bucky quickly let his hand fall down to his shoulder to pretend that the scars were bothering him again even though Tony knew that that was not the case.
"Care to explain what you are doing there?" he asked and Bucky dropped his hand into his lap.
He didn't wear his glove in the workshop anymore and he picked at some of the joints on his fingers to avoid looking at Tony. "Nothing" he tried but he knew that it wouldn't fool Tony.
"Try that again. I've seen you do that before."
Bucky sighed and slowly met Tony's eyes. "I have nightmares" he said, hoping that maybe Tony would just let this go but of course he wouldn't. He raised an eyebrow and Bucky sighed again.
"When I wake up I…I have trouble believing that this is real. That I am not with Hydra anymore. Some days I don't sleep at all. That always makes it worse though. When I think that this is just a dream I don't sleep either because I fear that I will wake up back with them. On those days I need the reminder that this here, this life is real, so I come down here.
Some days that's not enough and the only other thing that helps is to just feel my pulse to prove that I'm alive. That I am not back in cryo-sleep only waiting for them to wake me up again" Bucky confessed and his voice was small.
He had never told anyone about that but he felt safe with Tony, safe enough to trust him with this, but he still couldn't meet his eyes.
"When I have nightmares, Jarvis has to tell me where and when I am. It's perfectly fine, Bucky. We all have coping mechanisms."
Tony seemed sincere and Bucky looked up in surprise. He didn't know that Jarvis could do that and he thought that maybe it could help him too.
"Can he do that for me too?" he hesitantly asked and Tony nodded.
"Of course. You just have to ask him."
Bucky was slowly getting around to the fact that Tony was talking like Jarvis was a real person and not just a computer program and he rather liked that. It seemed fitting somehow.
Tony steered the conversation back to the original point of it and said "Why do you keep doing it at your throat?" he asked and Bucky brought his hand up again.
"I don't have enough sensation in my left to do it at the wrist" Bucky admitted and hid his metal hand under his leg. Tony sat back in his chair and eyed him thoughtfully.
"You know I haven't mentioned it since you last told me to stop but I can still help you." Tony scratched his head and seemed bashful all of a sudden. "I let Jarvis scan your arm repeatedly and I know that it is degrading, that's probably also the reason for your pain, and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you didn't want me to do anything. But I can help. I can build you a new one with more sensation so that you can feel your pulse with your left hand."
Bucky stared wide eyed at Tony. It had seemed suspicious to him that Tony backed off so completely, he knew how much he loved to work on new stuff, but back then Bucky hadn't thought anything of it. But it made sense if Tony had secretly collected some data on his arm.
"I don't…you can do that?" Bucky eventually asked and was a bit hopeful. It would make it a lot easier if he could do the check on his wrist. He wouldn't have to hide in his room then and he could spend more time with the others. He had recovered far enough that he actually enjoyed their company most of the time and he thought that it might help him on his bad days.
"Of course I can" Tony said and he sounded indignant. "I just wasn't going to offer you again. Thought you should decide on your own when you were ready."
"I don't think I am, though" Bucky said and pulled his collar closer to his throat. He still hadn't let anyone see the scars, always made sure that he was covered up, though he occasionally let his metal arm show.
"That's okay, Bucky. You went through hell and you are doing really well. I just wanted to tell you that there were possibilities."
Bucky was still fiddling with the collar and he thought that maybe it was time to put some real trust in Tony. "You really helped me with the lotion" he lowly said and gave Tony a tiny smile. "Can you…can you take a look…to see if they are alright?" Bucky haltingly asked and he felt a bit sick at that offering.
His scars were a lot better and he suspected that they would always be a bit irritated which was fine with him but still no one had seen them. He calmed a bit down when Tony gave him huge smile.
"I can do that" he said but he didn't try to pull down the collar. He let Bucky decided when he was ready to do that and Bucky decided that it was now or never.
He pulled his shirt off completely to give Tony a better look at them but then he hesitated, covered the seam up with his hand. Tony waited patiently and finally Bucky let his hand fall away.
Tony leaned closer to inspect his scars and then he asked him to move his arm. He kept his hands in his lap, even though Bucky could tell he wanted to touch, and he was grateful for it. He didn't know if he could handle being touched yet. Tony watched every movement he made and then he leaned back again.
"They look fine. I doubt that they will ever not bother you, but as far as I can tell they look good."
Bucky frantically nodded and couldn't put his shirt back on fast enough. "Okay" Bucky said and he felt a bit shaky. "I still have to think about the new arm" he told Tony who nodded.
"That is no problem. I can start working on it and when you are ready we can complete it."
Bucky gave the tiniest nodded and then said "Thank you."
Tony laughed and shook his head. "Didn't do anything yet. And I have to thank you."
"For what?" Bucky asked and frowned. He hadn't done anything for Tony.
"For putting that much trust in me" Tony simply said and turned back to his workbench without waiting for Bucky's response.
Which was good because Bucky didn't know what to say to that. It hadn't occurred to him that his progress would affect the others.
He knew that Steve of course was affected when he did better or worse but Bucky hadn't thought that would be true for the others as well. It seemed like he had been wrong.
And he felt better now that someone saw what Hydra did to him and didn't flinch at it or tried to cross his boundaries. While he had been very nervous when Tony had looked at him he felt definitely better now that it was over and done.
Bucky smiled a bit while he tugged the collar closer again and thought that maybe it wasn't so bad if he trusted people, and especially Tony, with more than just his pretended well-being.
It seemed like it could really help him and Bucky decided that he needed a goal before he could accept the new arm. He mentally assigned each person in the tower to a goal he would have to reach and he saved the hardest one for Tony.
If he wanted that arm Tony would have to touch him and he really had to work on that first. But down here in the workshop, surrounded by the bots and music, watching Tony argue with Jarvis, he felt optimistic for the first time since he came to the tower.