A/N: Just a reminder: This is a sequel to "The Saltwater Room." Check it out if you haven't already! Also, I highly recommend listening to the Owl City songs that inspired these one-shots. It's not necessary, but I think it will add a lot to the…experience, if you will =)
A/N2, Again, lyrics are in italics and separated as their own paragraphs.
A/N3, Story takes place Season 1, Post "Funk," and towards the end enters into "Journey" territory.
I do not own Glee or the lyrics to Owl City's "The Technicolor Phase"
No one turned their head when Rachel Berry walked the halls of McKinley High. Though slim and attractive, she captured no one's attention. Gold stars and a strong voice didn't get you anywhere in the high school hierarchy. But Rachel had a dream, and that dream made everything else pale in comparison. Her strong voice was matched with a strong will, and those that knew her knew that there was very little that could bring her down. At least, that was the front that she tried to convey.
However, things were beginning to shift inside. There was nothing noticeably different about her; she seemed to be the same old Rachel. No one had any idea that on the inside, she was hurt and distraught. And surely no one had any idea that every day before Glee Club, she suffered from minor hallucinations.
Yes, minor hallucinations, and today was no different. A shiver overcame her as she headed to the choir room for practice, and for a moment she was dizzy. As she expected, the colors around her seemed to become brighter, more vivid. More alive, like she was being swallowed into a vacuum. The color closed in on her, suffocated her, like it was an acid that would slowly devour her.
It was a phenomenon that she didn't understand, but it had ceased to frighten her. Soon enough the sensation would fade away, leaving her unchanged and…well, un-devoured. In a sense at least. In some ways she was devoured, devoured by wonder—What caused this? Maybe it was all in her head anyway. It happened every day after she had the dreams.
Though on the outside things appeared the same, things were much different than they had been when she first came to high school at the beginning of the year. Her life had changed, and changed drastically in a short amount of time. Only months before she had been but a lowly sophomore and the favorite slushie target of half the school's jock population—well, that part of the equation wasn't any different. But before Glee Club she was desperate to feel loved and accepted, and to be appreciated for who she truly was—preferably by a boy. She had never had a boyfriend before. Now she had had three. And it made her life so much more complicated.
I will always be your keys
When we are lost in the Technicolor phase
Rachel could usually make sense of the things in her life. She knew what she wanted and knew what it would take to get there. Everything had always been black or white; if it helped her reach her dream, it was worthwhile. If it didn't, well, that was the end of that. Others didn't always understand her, but that didn't matter. She knew what she wanted, and she intended to make her dreams come true. But these dreams, they were changing things. She felt that the core of her being was shifting somehow. She didn't know what was changing, or what was causing it. She didn't even really know what the changes were. All she knew what that she couldn't understand what her dreams meant, and it was the first time in her life that she could remember that she didn't understand something about herself.
However, the changes in her life weren't merely emotional (or hallucinatory), and they weren't restricted to Rachel herself. As she walked into the choir room, she couldn't help but notice the changes. Quinn had joined Kurt and Mercedes' corner of the choir room and, for the first time since her break up with Finn, seemed happy as she discussed with them the difficulties of finding fashionable clothing to fit her new pregnant figure. Her hand rested lovingly on her stomach as Kurt bestowed his advice. Brittany was chatting with Artie and Tina, and Mike and Matt were practicing their moves while Puck and Santana enjoyed a private conversation in the far corner. ..Well, maybe some things don't change.
Finn and Jesse were both noticeably absent from the room. However, neither had been absent from Rachel's dream the night before. Unfortunately, both men, along with one Noah Puckerman, had been making cameo appearances in her subconscious reveries for some time now. Actually, they were much more than supporting actors—they were the leads, the main vocalists, and that was something that never happened in Rachel Berry's dreams. Since she was seven her dreams had always been one of three scenarios: her singing the lead in Les Miserables, West Side Story, or Funny Girl. Before now, her subconscious dreams had never departed from conscious aspirations. Rachel was not used to having to make sense of her dreams. Her dreams had always made sense. Why did that have to change now?
The only way Rachel knew how to get out of her own currently-confused cranium was to reach outward and draw others' attention to herself so she wouldn't have to focus on her own thoughts so much. So she made a grand entrance, giving her daily monologue for all to hear. She didn't even know what she was saying; she just spoke whatever came to mind. Unfortunately, what was really on her mind was the dream. So after some lame story about Ben Israel's unwanted attentions at lunch, Rachel's mind wandered, and as she turned away from her audience toward the door for more dramatic effect, she couldn't stop herself from mentioning the dream.
Just as Finn walked in.
I will always be your keys
When we are lost in the Technicolor phase
Rachel whirled back around toward the class, unable to maintain eye contact with him. Of course he had walked in at the most inopportune moment, right as she was about to explain the dreams that had been confusing her nights. Did he hear me mention them? she thought to herself. He must have. There was something in his gaze that held her, even for a moment. She hadn't turned away immediately. She simply wasn't able to.
"Hello?...Rachel? What were you saying about a dream?" Mercedes voice snapped her back to reality. Her mind was a flurry, but somehow she managed to change the direction of conversation.
"Oh, I was just saying that it was weird that in my dream I was singing the part of…uh….Elphaba from Wicked instead of Cosette from Les Mis."
"Oh Geez," groaned Kurt, pointedly sitting as far away from Rachel as possible. "Spare us the Broadway diva chatter."
"I just wanted to point out that I always dream I'm singing the same part, and it was exceedingly odd for me to find myself immersed in a different musical is all." Everyone seemed to accept that explanation as typical Rachel Berry prima donna-ism, and Rachel inwardly sighed with relief. However, she felt Finn's eyes still on her, looking through her, piercing and searching her, and she was relieved when Mr. Shuester entered the classroom and began discussing possible Regional set lists.
Rachel chattered away to Mr. Shue in her normal manner, ignoring the groans and eye rolls of her glee-mates. However, she was more in-tune to her own thoughts then to discussing Regionals. She knew her show tunes inside and out, and could convincingly fake a discussion on the necessities of a winning repertoire while her brain worked in a completely different direction altogether.
Her thoughts were turned towards Finn. She had never felt so uncomfortable under his gaze. Only weeks before she would have held his eyes in her own, fully melting under the effect. But today she had turned away, scared and uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because of the dream. She knew she had hurt Finn in real life time and time again, culminating in the "Run Joey Run" charade that had lost her the affections of three of the most attractive guys in school. But only one of them really mattered. She couldn't help but be appalled that she couldn't be faithful to one guy, even in her subconscious musings.
I am the red in the rose, the flowers
On the blankets of your bedroom floor
And I am the gray in the ghost that hides
with your clothes behind your closet door
It was Puck who shook her from her reverie.
"Couldn't we do something that would really hit that Jesse kid where it hurts instead of all this Broadway bullshit? I mean, I wanna win Regionals and all, but Jesse hurt Rachel; don't you think we should do something that will really piss him off? What about that song Finn sang, "Jesse's Girl?"
As Finn's face flushed, Mr. Shue went on to explain to Puck that the song would not be the most apt choice because not only did it not fully demonstrate Finn's vocal ability, it didn't lend itself to much female vocalization or group performance. Rachel was too shocked to say anything.
Rachel still found it odd that Noah continued to stand up for her, even after "Run Joey Run." And she noticed that others found it odd as well, particularly Mercedes and Santana, who were casting her questioning and hostile glances, respectively. Then again, maybe it wasn't strange at all. After all, Noah Puckerman is only human, and the connection they had shared was stronger than anyone had ever guessed.
The dreams were a constant reminder of what had happened between then. He was always the first boy to appear to her in her dreams, and would sing to her in a way she had never seen him sing before in real life. He was always so serious, so seductive. But though she had never seen that look in his eyes during song, she had seen it once before in life. And it haunted her.
On the blankets of your bedroom floor
They were two attractive Jews, why shouldn't they have been together? He spoke to her body in ways she had never experienced before, and before the motions of life and reality set in, she had let him get the best of her. Or maybe she had gotten the best of him. He treated her better now than she had ever seen him treat a girl, besides Quinn. But more than likely she would never know just what the encounter had meant to him, and perhaps it was better that way.
And I am the gray in the ghost that hides
As Mr. Shue further explained the ins and outs of song choice to the group, Rachel caught a glance from Puck. His penetrating brown eyes had a knowing look, and he smiled at her, then turned to gaze at Quinn. And that was that. Their moment had come in a wave of passion, and ended in a truce of friendship. He had eyes for the mother of his child now, and that was as it should be.
But where Puck had spoken to her body, Jesse had spoken to her art, and had carried her into a whole different realm of passion in song.
I am the green in the grass that bends back
from underneath your feet
I am the blue in your back alley view
where the horizon and the rooftops meet
Jesse was the first person she had ever met who not only encouraged her to strive to make her dream a reality, but had shared the same dream as her. He could commiserate and understand the trials of being dedicated to a dream no one else understood. He backed her and pushed her, fervently, at least for a while.
Had the feelings been real? Yes. At least on her side of the deal. Jesse's true motives, at the moment, were still yet to be seen. And in a way that hurt, but not so much as Rachel would have expected. In a way, looking back, the end had been inevitable. When Rachel watched the relationship—in her mind's eye, as if it were a movie—the end had come exactly as she might have anticipated. But it really didn't matter all that much. After all, it's not what happens to you, but how you respond to it, right?
Maybe she had loved Jesse because he was so much like herself. She had needed that relationship to see that there was nothing wrong with being the way she had always been. The relationship had been an essential element of building her self-worth. She knew now that she didn't have to change for anyone.
The way they ended may have been bitter, but it taught her that she deserved the best. Jesse had shown her her horizons, and she liked the view.
If you cut me I suppose I would bleed
The colors of the evening stars
You can go anywhere you wish,
Cause I'll be there wherever you are
Her feelings for Puck and Jesse had been real—infatuation, lust, desire, even respect. They both had reached inside Rachel's heart and made themselves objects of affection in the truest sense. They were part of her heart, and part of her experience, and Rachel knew she would carry the memories of them with her always, whether she wanted to or not. But she wanted to. The emotions had cut deep, but her relationships with Puck and Jesse had taught her a lot of important lessons. Namely, they had taught her what love wasn't.
But like the prima donna who gets her fill of singing in the chorus and dreams of her day in the spotlight; like the whore who gets her fill of sex, but dreams of experiencing true love—Rachel had had her fill of shallow relationships. She wanted something real.
Something more.