Britz-Well folks you can't keep a good man down, or a bad one as I intend to prove. Well I'm back with yet another of my bizarre challenge fic, well sort of challenge, more like a strange story idea fic from Ms Gem Stoned, owner and proprietor of Funfiction and AHA (Animorphs Humour Association). The story's a little something like this...
"The Animorphs return to Earth to discover it's become the gay porn capital of the universe and Avril Lavigne is queen of the world."
Interesting no? I guess it's fair to say you can judge a man by the company he keeps, look at this challenge, then go and have a look at some of the other challenges people I know have given me, try not too judge to harshly.
Disclaimer-Animorphs aren't mine and neither's Avril (although I wish she was, yowzer.)
~Planet Strangelove, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Skater Bomb~
Chapter One
Captain's Log: A big brown piece of dead wood Jake has in his closet, given the limited cargo they could take nobody really knows why he brought it along.
*The crew as we left them are in the helm of 'The Rachel' returning to Earth.*
Jake-You see guys, that mission wasn't so bad after all.
Marco-Yeah old One sure was a fun dude.
Jeanne-Sure glad we let him keep that Ax guy as his twisted and tortured host.
Tobias-[Well it was the least we could do after we put that big gaping hole in his ship and he still invited us over for that great Super bowl brunch.]
Santorelli-And gave me those tasty stuffed potato recipes.
Menderash-And taught me how to love again.
*all sigh with fond memories*
Jake-Yeah, what a guy.
Marco-*Notices the controls where he's sitting* Yo, Jake, blue light button, thingy, flashing.
Jake-Which means what?
Marco-Either there's an incoming message or Santorelli's stuffed potatoes are burning.
Santorelli-Ooh! I'd better check the kitchen.
Marco-No wait, it's a message, says so on this here screen.
Jake-Ahh, it must be Earth got the message I sent about our arrival and are sending us a welcome, put it on the big screen up here.
Marco-*punches in some buttons*
*Big Bird pops up on the big screen*
Big Bird-Hello, Tobias, you are quite good, at turning, me on.
Tobias-[Uhh, you guys probably should ignore that. Wrong buttons Marco!]
*Marco pushes some other buttons, an office scene comes up on the screen, a tall dark and handsome man works at the desk.*
Santorelli-What the hell is this?
Jake-Porno, music and clothes are a dead give away.
Menderash-What about his artificial skin?
Marco-Well he's wearing a G-string at work Menderash, I don't think anybody's had that casual a Friday.
Tobias-[Wait! Someone else is coming in!]
Jeanne-It's another guy.
Man#2-*stunningly bad acting* working late again huh?
Man#1-Yes, yes I am, in my underwear, as I tend too do.
Man#2-Mind If I join you? *starts to undress*
Marco-Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell is this?
Santorelli-Oh god, surely he isn't going to...EWWWW!!
Jeanne-Wow, that first guy is tough, that thing isn't even greased.
Males-Eww!! AHHHHH!!!!
Jake-Now lets not panic, maybe there just keeping it warm till the women come in.
Menderash-There! The door's opening again!
Marco-Ahh!! Another guy!
Man#3-Room for one more?
Males-AHHHHHHHH!!!
Marco-*covering his eyes to avoid the screen punches at buttons randomly, the gay porn disappears*
Jeanne-Hey, I was watching that!
Marco-Did it make you horny baby?
Jeanne-Yeah.
Marco-Great, you're finally susceptible and I may never function as a man again.
Jake-Somebody mind explaining what just happened here?
Menderash-According to this here shiny thing we were just picking up a random TV wave from Earth.
Santorelli-What? From like the porno channel?
Menderash-No (dun dun daaa) FOX.
Jeanne-Wait, that was FOX? Now I just feel dirty.
Jake-Now what's FOX doing showing gay porn, and at this hour?
Tobias-[Wait, I have a TV guide that may explain everything.]
Marco-Where'd you get that?
Tobias-[What? It comes in the paper every Sunday.]
Marco-Okay.
Jake-Gimme that *grabs the guide from Tobias, skimming through it* FOX: Will and Grace: Uncut, Dharma & Dharma, Norman & Greg, The Gimp-sons, Worlds funniest lubricant mix-ups, when gerbils attack at inopportune moments..
Santorelli-*reading over Jakes shoulder* Movies: Wild things, Wilder things, Wildest Things, Busty The Vampire Layer, Inspect-her Gadget: The (allot of) touching tale of a girl and her strap on..
Marco-*snatches the guide from Jake, reading* The travel channel: 5:30 Debbie Does Dallas, 6:30 Debbie Does New York, 7:30 Debbie Does Greenland, 8:30 Texas, a lucrative look at both the steers and the queers.
Menderash-This 'Debbie' sure does get around.
Jake-Well guys it seems obvious, while we've been away Earth has become the gay-porn capital of the Universe.
All-..............
Tobias-[Why?]
Jake-Well I didn't say that 'why' was obvious, just that it was.
Marco-Well, thanks for your take on the situation Sherlock.
Jake-Y'know, I'm your guys captain, you don't see anyone taunting Captain Kirk do you?
Marco-Yeah well, you're no Captain Kirk.
Tobias-[Except for the hair, is it my imagination or are you starting to look a little thin on top?]
Jeanne-You know, I didn't want to mention it but...
Santorelli-Yeah, I think I can see a little scalp poking through.
Jake-*near tears* Shut up! Shut up! You're all lying! I have a full and healthy head of hair!! *runs from the room weeping and clutching his hair* full and healthy!!!!
Menderash-Every bloody time I swear...
Marco-Well as fun as this is I reckon we should take a peek at what's happened to Earth since we left, Menderash, make it so.
Menderash-Schmuck *takes the controls and blasts the ship towards Earth.*
Chapter Two
*With Earth directly in our hero's sights a sphere shaped ship zooms in front of them, a deep rumbling male voice comes over the ships intercom*
Voice-Oi, who are you then?
Marco-Who are you?
Voice-I asked first.
Marco-Alright, were the Animorphs, returning to Earth after a mission to deep space, now who are you?
Voice-I'm the bloody robotic guard for this section of space, you got a pass to get to into the atmosphere?
Santorelli-A pass?
Guard-Yeah a pass to get to Earth, domain of our blessed skater-queen Avril Lavigne.
Tobias-[Avril Lavigne is queen of Earth now?]
Marco-One thing at a time, we don't have a pass, can't you let us through anyway?
Guard-Not bloody likely, I could lose my job.
Jeanne-You know, you really don't sound like a robot.
Guard-Well you don't sound like an Animorph to me frenchie.
Jeanne-Well actually, I'm not one of the originals, you see..
Guard-Yeah whatever, I didn't ask for your life story, as for you Animorphs I've found the orders about what to do with you, right here, left Earth not long before Queen Lavigne took control, not likely to return, but if they do, kill on sight.
Marco-Great, now we're getting somewhere....Wait, what was that last bit?
Guard-Yeah, sorry about that *outside a panel on the robot guard slides open and an enormous gun-barrel comes out*
Tobias-[Aww jeez, why are people forever trying to kill us?]
Guard-Well it's like this, you guys DID manage to take down that pesky Yeerk empire by yourselves not long ago, which of course paved the way for Queen Lavigne which she'd like to officially say 'cheers' for, but what with the oppressive way she's ruling our Earth with a dainty iron fist she'd really like to be safe rather than sorry and kill you before you cause her any trouble.
*Another voice, Andalite, comes over the speakers*
Andalite-[Cargo ship Z-47, here to deliver a shipment of Corellian Gerbils to Earth]
Guard-*to Animorphs* Alright guys, I've got to take this, just wait there and I'll annihilate in a second. *cuts transmission*
Santorelli-Now's our chance! Menderash, maximum burn!
Menderash-*sarcastic* Oh, ya think? *Fires the engines and speeds towards the porn producing planet of Earth*
Guard-*to self* Ah crap, that's the third time this week, I've really got to upload how to prioritise properly. *fires his giant gun twice*
*two missiles with little wheels, shaped curiously like skateboards blaze out of the gun and follow 'The Rachel'*
Mederash-*a warning system bleeps* Oh no! Skater bombs!
*The Rachel flies through a porn obsessed city at break neck speed, graphic bill boards line the streets and some buildings are shaped like....anatomy bits and pieces, the 'skater bombs' follow in hot pursuit*
Marco-Oh eew! Andalite porn! *pointing at one huge billboard.
Menderash-Wow! Look at the tail on that female, oh baby!!
Jeanne-Keep your eyes on the, uhh, road Menderash!
*Ship narrowly misses a dong-shaped skyscraper*
Santorelli-Christ! Look at that billboard!!
*the ships stop dead, all look at one gigantic billboard, tilting their heads to the left in perfect sync*
Tobias-[How could they get themselves untied from that position?]
Marco-I'd volunteer to help.
Jeanne-How many are there?
Tobias-[I think you got to treat it like a magic eye picture, look closely at the centre and slowly move your head back.]
Santorelli-I count eight so far, no there's another, and another, wow and not a set of twig and two berries two be seen.
Menderash-Maybe there's a guy somewhere in the middle.
Marco-If there is he must have been a fuckin' saint in his last life.
Jeanne-Hang on, aren't we forgetting something?
All-THE BOMBS!
*The Rachel speeds away just in time, one missile comes so close it clips them without exploding and spins into the puzzling billboard and blows a huge hole in it*
Santorelli-Oh no! It just took out lesbians four through nine!
Marco-No! Such a thing of beauty! Why not that board instead? *points to another board*
Jeanne-Wow, I think I'm in love.
Tobias-[Think it's been computer altered?]
Menderash-Have to be, he'd have terrible back problems if it was for real.
Jeanne-How disillusioning.
Menderash-I think I can lose the other one, it's a little risky, hold on.
Jake-*walks in* Hey guys, I keep checking and I still say..*looks out the window* what did I miss?
Menderash-Here we go! *puts the pedal to the medal*
*Jake flys backwards and slams into the wall, the ship blasts within spitting distance of one building and pulls away, the missile misses them and ploughs into the building*
(meanwhile inside)
*a sign 'Auditions for "The Sperminator 5" today!' hangs on one wall, The room is packed with an easy hundred of naked men of every size and description*
Interviewer-*interviewing one Hispanic applicant at a desk* Alright, Mr Sancho. What skills can you bring to this movie?
Sancho-I am, Sancho *guitar strum* these others, they are not Sancho, only I, am Sancho *guitar strum*
Interviewer-.......Alright, we'll put you on the call back list. (joke shamelessly stolen from 'Orgasmo', great movie, I claim this as homage.)
*The skater bomb ploughs into the room and explodes, sending naked fellas flying left and right*
(Back with our heroes)
Marco-*watching the guys fly out of the building* My god, it's raining men.
Jeanne-What a tragic loss, I mean look at that one's pecs! Really tragic.
Tobias-Wait, they aren't falling to their death, that place is having a rubber John Tomas sale and their falling into that big pile!]
Santorelli-Hope they all land front first.
(In the building)
*Sancho and the interviewer still sit at the desk at the edge of the huge flaming hole in the building*
Sancho-You know, I don't want to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think fire is really romantic (homage!)
(With our heroes)
*The Rachel blazes around buildings looking for a place to hide, it turns one corner only to be confronted by a huge poster, spanning the entire side of a building, it features a single black woman, naked, with short hair, smiling seductively as she crams pills down the throat of an angry timber wolf.*
Marco-Christ!
Tobias-[Is that?]
Jake-Cassie!?
*distracted Menderash speeds up, loses control and ploughs right through the enormous picture of Cassie's bust*
*The ship smashes through a warehouse of boxes and grinds to a stop, magazines of an illicit Cassie nature patter down onto the windshield*
Menderash-Whoops.
Jake-y'know, I think we'll lay low here for a while. *rushes outside to check out the Cassie mags*
***To Be Continued***
Britz-Hoo hoo, how suspenseful eh? So Cassie's a porn queen and Avril Lavigne rules a now completely over exaggerated porn-obsessed Earth? This story is so weird even I can't keep it straight. By the by, the sites of Gem's I mentioned, here are the URLs:
Funfiction: http://www.geocities.com/funfics/
AHA: http://www.geocities.com/anihumor/
Well worth a surf (heheh, that rhymes,) and how about me fic, well worth a review?...Well I don't care! Give it one anyway!
"The Animorphs return to Earth to discover it's become the gay porn capital of the universe and Avril Lavigne is queen of the world."
Interesting no? I guess it's fair to say you can judge a man by the company he keeps, look at this challenge, then go and have a look at some of the other challenges people I know have given me, try not too judge to harshly.
Disclaimer-Animorphs aren't mine and neither's Avril (although I wish she was, yowzer.)
~Planet Strangelove, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Skater Bomb~
Chapter One
Captain's Log: A big brown piece of dead wood Jake has in his closet, given the limited cargo they could take nobody really knows why he brought it along.
*The crew as we left them are in the helm of 'The Rachel' returning to Earth.*
Jake-You see guys, that mission wasn't so bad after all.
Marco-Yeah old One sure was a fun dude.
Jeanne-Sure glad we let him keep that Ax guy as his twisted and tortured host.
Tobias-[Well it was the least we could do after we put that big gaping hole in his ship and he still invited us over for that great Super bowl brunch.]
Santorelli-And gave me those tasty stuffed potato recipes.
Menderash-And taught me how to love again.
*all sigh with fond memories*
Jake-Yeah, what a guy.
Marco-*Notices the controls where he's sitting* Yo, Jake, blue light button, thingy, flashing.
Jake-Which means what?
Marco-Either there's an incoming message or Santorelli's stuffed potatoes are burning.
Santorelli-Ooh! I'd better check the kitchen.
Marco-No wait, it's a message, says so on this here screen.
Jake-Ahh, it must be Earth got the message I sent about our arrival and are sending us a welcome, put it on the big screen up here.
Marco-*punches in some buttons*
*Big Bird pops up on the big screen*
Big Bird-Hello, Tobias, you are quite good, at turning, me on.
Tobias-[Uhh, you guys probably should ignore that. Wrong buttons Marco!]
*Marco pushes some other buttons, an office scene comes up on the screen, a tall dark and handsome man works at the desk.*
Santorelli-What the hell is this?
Jake-Porno, music and clothes are a dead give away.
Menderash-What about his artificial skin?
Marco-Well he's wearing a G-string at work Menderash, I don't think anybody's had that casual a Friday.
Tobias-[Wait! Someone else is coming in!]
Jeanne-It's another guy.
Man#2-*stunningly bad acting* working late again huh?
Man#1-Yes, yes I am, in my underwear, as I tend too do.
Man#2-Mind If I join you? *starts to undress*
Marco-Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell is this?
Santorelli-Oh god, surely he isn't going to...EWWWW!!
Jeanne-Wow, that first guy is tough, that thing isn't even greased.
Males-Eww!! AHHHHH!!!!
Jake-Now lets not panic, maybe there just keeping it warm till the women come in.
Menderash-There! The door's opening again!
Marco-Ahh!! Another guy!
Man#3-Room for one more?
Males-AHHHHHHHH!!!
Marco-*covering his eyes to avoid the screen punches at buttons randomly, the gay porn disappears*
Jeanne-Hey, I was watching that!
Marco-Did it make you horny baby?
Jeanne-Yeah.
Marco-Great, you're finally susceptible and I may never function as a man again.
Jake-Somebody mind explaining what just happened here?
Menderash-According to this here shiny thing we were just picking up a random TV wave from Earth.
Santorelli-What? From like the porno channel?
Menderash-No (dun dun daaa) FOX.
Jeanne-Wait, that was FOX? Now I just feel dirty.
Jake-Now what's FOX doing showing gay porn, and at this hour?
Tobias-[Wait, I have a TV guide that may explain everything.]
Marco-Where'd you get that?
Tobias-[What? It comes in the paper every Sunday.]
Marco-Okay.
Jake-Gimme that *grabs the guide from Tobias, skimming through it* FOX: Will and Grace: Uncut, Dharma & Dharma, Norman & Greg, The Gimp-sons, Worlds funniest lubricant mix-ups, when gerbils attack at inopportune moments..
Santorelli-*reading over Jakes shoulder* Movies: Wild things, Wilder things, Wildest Things, Busty The Vampire Layer, Inspect-her Gadget: The (allot of) touching tale of a girl and her strap on..
Marco-*snatches the guide from Jake, reading* The travel channel: 5:30 Debbie Does Dallas, 6:30 Debbie Does New York, 7:30 Debbie Does Greenland, 8:30 Texas, a lucrative look at both the steers and the queers.
Menderash-This 'Debbie' sure does get around.
Jake-Well guys it seems obvious, while we've been away Earth has become the gay-porn capital of the Universe.
All-..............
Tobias-[Why?]
Jake-Well I didn't say that 'why' was obvious, just that it was.
Marco-Well, thanks for your take on the situation Sherlock.
Jake-Y'know, I'm your guys captain, you don't see anyone taunting Captain Kirk do you?
Marco-Yeah well, you're no Captain Kirk.
Tobias-[Except for the hair, is it my imagination or are you starting to look a little thin on top?]
Jeanne-You know, I didn't want to mention it but...
Santorelli-Yeah, I think I can see a little scalp poking through.
Jake-*near tears* Shut up! Shut up! You're all lying! I have a full and healthy head of hair!! *runs from the room weeping and clutching his hair* full and healthy!!!!
Menderash-Every bloody time I swear...
Marco-Well as fun as this is I reckon we should take a peek at what's happened to Earth since we left, Menderash, make it so.
Menderash-Schmuck *takes the controls and blasts the ship towards Earth.*
Chapter Two
*With Earth directly in our hero's sights a sphere shaped ship zooms in front of them, a deep rumbling male voice comes over the ships intercom*
Voice-Oi, who are you then?
Marco-Who are you?
Voice-I asked first.
Marco-Alright, were the Animorphs, returning to Earth after a mission to deep space, now who are you?
Voice-I'm the bloody robotic guard for this section of space, you got a pass to get to into the atmosphere?
Santorelli-A pass?
Guard-Yeah a pass to get to Earth, domain of our blessed skater-queen Avril Lavigne.
Tobias-[Avril Lavigne is queen of Earth now?]
Marco-One thing at a time, we don't have a pass, can't you let us through anyway?
Guard-Not bloody likely, I could lose my job.
Jeanne-You know, you really don't sound like a robot.
Guard-Well you don't sound like an Animorph to me frenchie.
Jeanne-Well actually, I'm not one of the originals, you see..
Guard-Yeah whatever, I didn't ask for your life story, as for you Animorphs I've found the orders about what to do with you, right here, left Earth not long before Queen Lavigne took control, not likely to return, but if they do, kill on sight.
Marco-Great, now we're getting somewhere....Wait, what was that last bit?
Guard-Yeah, sorry about that *outside a panel on the robot guard slides open and an enormous gun-barrel comes out*
Tobias-[Aww jeez, why are people forever trying to kill us?]
Guard-Well it's like this, you guys DID manage to take down that pesky Yeerk empire by yourselves not long ago, which of course paved the way for Queen Lavigne which she'd like to officially say 'cheers' for, but what with the oppressive way she's ruling our Earth with a dainty iron fist she'd really like to be safe rather than sorry and kill you before you cause her any trouble.
*Another voice, Andalite, comes over the speakers*
Andalite-[Cargo ship Z-47, here to deliver a shipment of Corellian Gerbils to Earth]
Guard-*to Animorphs* Alright guys, I've got to take this, just wait there and I'll annihilate in a second. *cuts transmission*
Santorelli-Now's our chance! Menderash, maximum burn!
Menderash-*sarcastic* Oh, ya think? *Fires the engines and speeds towards the porn producing planet of Earth*
Guard-*to self* Ah crap, that's the third time this week, I've really got to upload how to prioritise properly. *fires his giant gun twice*
*two missiles with little wheels, shaped curiously like skateboards blaze out of the gun and follow 'The Rachel'*
Mederash-*a warning system bleeps* Oh no! Skater bombs!
*The Rachel flies through a porn obsessed city at break neck speed, graphic bill boards line the streets and some buildings are shaped like....anatomy bits and pieces, the 'skater bombs' follow in hot pursuit*
Marco-Oh eew! Andalite porn! *pointing at one huge billboard.
Menderash-Wow! Look at the tail on that female, oh baby!!
Jeanne-Keep your eyes on the, uhh, road Menderash!
*Ship narrowly misses a dong-shaped skyscraper*
Santorelli-Christ! Look at that billboard!!
*the ships stop dead, all look at one gigantic billboard, tilting their heads to the left in perfect sync*
Tobias-[How could they get themselves untied from that position?]
Marco-I'd volunteer to help.
Jeanne-How many are there?
Tobias-[I think you got to treat it like a magic eye picture, look closely at the centre and slowly move your head back.]
Santorelli-I count eight so far, no there's another, and another, wow and not a set of twig and two berries two be seen.
Menderash-Maybe there's a guy somewhere in the middle.
Marco-If there is he must have been a fuckin' saint in his last life.
Jeanne-Hang on, aren't we forgetting something?
All-THE BOMBS!
*The Rachel speeds away just in time, one missile comes so close it clips them without exploding and spins into the puzzling billboard and blows a huge hole in it*
Santorelli-Oh no! It just took out lesbians four through nine!
Marco-No! Such a thing of beauty! Why not that board instead? *points to another board*
Jeanne-Wow, I think I'm in love.
Tobias-[Think it's been computer altered?]
Menderash-Have to be, he'd have terrible back problems if it was for real.
Jeanne-How disillusioning.
Menderash-I think I can lose the other one, it's a little risky, hold on.
Jake-*walks in* Hey guys, I keep checking and I still say..*looks out the window* what did I miss?
Menderash-Here we go! *puts the pedal to the medal*
*Jake flys backwards and slams into the wall, the ship blasts within spitting distance of one building and pulls away, the missile misses them and ploughs into the building*
(meanwhile inside)
*a sign 'Auditions for "The Sperminator 5" today!' hangs on one wall, The room is packed with an easy hundred of naked men of every size and description*
Interviewer-*interviewing one Hispanic applicant at a desk* Alright, Mr Sancho. What skills can you bring to this movie?
Sancho-I am, Sancho *guitar strum* these others, they are not Sancho, only I, am Sancho *guitar strum*
Interviewer-.......Alright, we'll put you on the call back list. (joke shamelessly stolen from 'Orgasmo', great movie, I claim this as homage.)
*The skater bomb ploughs into the room and explodes, sending naked fellas flying left and right*
(Back with our heroes)
Marco-*watching the guys fly out of the building* My god, it's raining men.
Jeanne-What a tragic loss, I mean look at that one's pecs! Really tragic.
Tobias-Wait, they aren't falling to their death, that place is having a rubber John Tomas sale and their falling into that big pile!]
Santorelli-Hope they all land front first.
(In the building)
*Sancho and the interviewer still sit at the desk at the edge of the huge flaming hole in the building*
Sancho-You know, I don't want to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think fire is really romantic (homage!)
(With our heroes)
*The Rachel blazes around buildings looking for a place to hide, it turns one corner only to be confronted by a huge poster, spanning the entire side of a building, it features a single black woman, naked, with short hair, smiling seductively as she crams pills down the throat of an angry timber wolf.*
Marco-Christ!
Tobias-[Is that?]
Jake-Cassie!?
*distracted Menderash speeds up, loses control and ploughs right through the enormous picture of Cassie's bust*
*The ship smashes through a warehouse of boxes and grinds to a stop, magazines of an illicit Cassie nature patter down onto the windshield*
Menderash-Whoops.
Jake-y'know, I think we'll lay low here for a while. *rushes outside to check out the Cassie mags*
***To Be Continued***
Britz-Hoo hoo, how suspenseful eh? So Cassie's a porn queen and Avril Lavigne rules a now completely over exaggerated porn-obsessed Earth? This story is so weird even I can't keep it straight. By the by, the sites of Gem's I mentioned, here are the URLs:
Funfiction: http://www.geocities.com/funfics/
AHA: http://www.geocities.com/anihumor/
Well worth a surf (heheh, that rhymes,) and how about me fic, well worth a review?...Well I don't care! Give it one anyway!