Alice,
You've disappeared, like everything else. But who else am I going to talk to when I'm lost?
When you left, and he left, you took everything with you. The absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest.
But in a way I'm glad.
The pain is my only reminder that he was real, that you all were…
Everything I wrote was true. It hurt. My heart felt like it had exploded and falling into my stomach, but unless shredded heart isn't nutritious, it felt like I hadn't eaten in days.
A heavy weight fell on my shoulders as I slammed my laptop shut, putting my elbows on the desk and taking my face in my hands. What had I done wrong? I didn't believe that he would have done this because of my soul. I had told him it already belonged to him, but I suppose he didn't want it.
Maybe he never wanted it.
A silent tear fell down my face, my tears uncountable. I had been going crazy. I lay on my bed most of the day, and the night. Eating hasn't become something regular for me anymore. Once a week.
Maybe my brain would explode and feed me too.
That was why I resembled to emailing Alice. I knew she wouldn't get it. I wasn't stupid. But it was like my diary. One to keep me from insanity.
"Bells?" Charlie said hesitantly from my bedroom door. I knew it had to be hard on him, seeing his daughter this way, and I wanted to badly just to turn it off, for his sake more than mine. I would if I could. "You want something to eat?"
I lifted my heavy head from my hands and tried to give him a smile. I knew it looked sad, because I saw Charlie's face. He hadn't seen me this depressed before. No one had. Half of me was taken away.
"No." I tried to smile. "I'm not hungry."
He sighed. "Bells, it's been a month. No one has seen him. He's not coming back."
My mouth was glued shut. How much I wanted to tell him he was wrong. To tell him that he would come to save the day, sweep me up into his arms and kiss me. But I would be lying. This saddened me even more.
"I know." I tried to put on a brave face. "I'm just not hungry."
He walked over to where I sat and placed a tray of scrambled eggs in front of me. He placed one; firm hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eye, then shut the door as he left. In his eyes I saw only concern. Now my father was suffering along side me.
Ignoring the food, I climbed into my bed, wishing I had a strong man to say goodnight too. It was like a slap in the face when he wasn't. I sighed as another tear slid down my cheek, officially crying myself to sleep.
"I don't want you anymore." His voice echoed through the trees of our meadow. I thought they would be cruel to me, but without Edward here, it was a whole other realm.
I was crying, no surprise.
"Why are you doing this too me?" I shouted out into the meadow.
"You're not good enough for me." Another echo shouted at me. Memories flooded through my head. It hit me so hard. I fell to the ground, hoping for sweet release in luscious, green grass. But as I knelt to it, it dried out, turning a crunchy brown colour. Everything I touched died here without Edward.
"Stop, please!" I screamed.
"When you say we?" my voice came through the trees. I knew what would come next.
"I mean my family and myself."
I resulted to covering my hands over my ears in a pointless attempt to escape the memories. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work.
I screamed to block the noises, pushing myself out from the nightmare.