Hello sweethearts and happy eve's eve! This is your Christmas present from me, I hope you like it. I update every day during Christmas. I have chapters for my other stories ready, too, so expect a full load from me soon ;) dirty mind dirty mind... Anyway, I guess I should apologize that this story (nor my other ones) are as christamassy as you'd probably like them to be. I don't really like Christmas... (issues, so many issues) Oh well, I'm petty excited about this one so I'd really like to hear what you think too. Give me a review as a thank you Christmas present, okay? ^^ pretty please?

Pierce the Scar

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
- Judy Garland

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.
- Michel de Montaigne

Someone once told me that betrayal is like a knife through the heart.

I don't think that's true.

A knife through the heart is a one, perhaps two, stabs and then it's over. The feeling of being betrayed, however, that lasts. It just keeps coming back, even after you just got yourself thinking that you got rid of it.

I don't think I can ever get rid of this pain. At least that's what it feels like now. I can't even get a proper ending. It'd be better if it could be like ripping off a bandage, painful but quick. This isn't like that, unfortunately. The source of my pain is something I can never get rid of. I keep seeing him. Over and over again. The worst thing is that I still wait for it. I long to see him.

My pain is my brother. Well, half brother if we want to be exact. As if that would make it any less weird. I'm in love with my brother. Fuck it…

My brother, Sesshoumaru, is no doubt the most gorgeous man walking on this earth. When I was little, I was thrilled to have him as my big brother. It's actually embarrassing how much I admired him. I didn't even try to hide it. He knew I worshiped him, and I think he liked it a little too much.

It's not that he has a bad personality but…no, scratch that, he really has a horrible personality. In a way that is what makes him so irresistible to pretty much everyone. He has never cared about what other people think about him. He always does what he wants and he never apologizes for it. He says he doesn't want to regret anything. I think I understand.

I was thirteen and he was seventeen when he did the first of the many things that changed my life forever. We were all in the living room, me, my father and mother, when Sesshoumaru came back from wherever it was that he had been. He was always somewhere, never at home. I think he hated it there. He felt like he didn't belong. That's just me guessing though. It's not like Sesshoumaru would ever admit feeling like that.

That was actually one of the few times I ever saw him show emotion on his face. He came in looking as handsome as ever. He had had his beautiful white hair long as long as I could remember. He usually had it in a loose ponytail. He had a long black leather jacket and his ears were pierced, several times actually. He carried the metal beautifully. Every time our father spouted crap at him because of them he got a new one. Finally our father gave up and chose to ignore him altogether. That's when Sesshoumaru got his first tattoo.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I was talking about that day, wasn't I? We were watching some crappy TV show that was airing at the time. I never liked it, but it was very popular, everybody watched it and then talked about it at school, so of course I had to sit through it too. Sesshoumaru came in just when it started. He stood there tall and proud, staring at father. I found looking at him far more interesting than the TV.

Sesshoumaru never felt comfortable around my mother (hell, I don't think he feels comfortable around anyone) but it wasn't because she didn't try. My mother was a sweet woman, I love her very much, but I guess it's understandable that Sesshoumaru could never look at her objectively. His own mother ran off with some drug dealer when she found out that father was seeing my mother. Well, she had been seeing the dealer far longer than my parents had been together, but that finally gave her the reason to leave. I was born only weeks after that. That's why my mother felt like she needed to make Sesshoumaru feel that he was loved, even though our father was so cold and his mother had left. I don't think Sesshoumaru wanted the attention. He's not like that.

Still, when our father ignored his glaring son, my mother was the one who tried to break the tension. She asked if Sesshoumaru needed something, offered him something to drink, told him that there was still dinner left for him in the fridge if he was hungry. He just shook his head and kept staring at father.

I thought it took ages, that silent battle between them. He tried to ignore him and thus make him go away, Sesshoumaru tried to stare him down, make him look at him. Finally, when the commercial break came, their eyes met.

"What do you want?" father snapped at him.

Sesshoumaru didn't falter. His steady gaze was so piercing that even I could feel it, and I was sitting next to my mother, as far away from them as possible. It was almost as if Sesshoumaru was evaluating him, deciding something.

"I'm gay", he finally said, his voice as soft and even as always.

My father was stunned, of course. He didn't say a word for a while. I was sure he was going to freak out, start yelling and hitting. Father never hit me, he was always sweet and we did lots of things together. He was only like that with Sesshoumaru. Brother once said it was because he was so much like his mother. He looked bitter when he said it.

This time they didn't start fighting. At least I didn't recognize it as fighting at the time. I was only a kid then after all.

After a while my father laughed. It was a hollow sound and I didn't like it. "So you became a queer, eh? Can't really expect more from you, can I? Suits you well you little ass fucker."

My mother hissed at the words father used, she was always angry at him after he and Sesshoumaru had had their round. Sesshoumaru didn't seem to care though. He smiled.

"Yes, that's right. I rather enjoy it actually, though more the other way around. Getting fucked, you see", he said, making father flinch.

"What the hell did you think you could gain by telling me this?" father asked keeping his tone even and strangely light despite the topic.

"Nothing. Just thought you should know", Sesshoumaru said softly and kept smiling. I thought he looked beautiful, so strong and confident. He turned around to leave again, but he stopped just long enough to wink at me.

I think that that was the moment I began to fall in love with him.

Life was constant turmoil during the next few years… Not for me, really, but Sesshoumaru and father were fighting every time they happened to be in the same room with each other. It nearly drove my mother mad. It was like that all the time until our father died.

It was an accident, a car crash during winter. The road was slippery. They said he died quickly. I was devastated, of course. I was fifteen at the time and that's the time when a boy needs his father. I loved my father despite seeing how he treated Sesshoumaru. He was always good to me.

That was the second time I felt my heart change. I was in my room. I sat on my bead looking out of the window, seeing nothing. I'm not sure how long I had sat that way. One thing was, well is, certain and that is that I did not take my father's death well. It didn't help that that was the first time I lost someone close to me. I never knew my grandparents.

I woke up from my trance when I felt someone's hand on shoulder. Through the haze in my mind I first thought it was my mother, but then I realized that she was too much into her own grieve that she could worry about me, besides the hand on my shoulder was far too big and warm to be my mother's. I looked up to see who it was and suddenly there was no haze in my mind anymore.

"Can I sit here?" Sesshoumaru asked and didn't move his hand away. He didn't seem to be the least bit affected by our father death. In the funeral he had only shown a mask of stone. Not even a hint of any feelings.

I nodded my head wondering why he had come. That was actually the first time he touched me deliberately. We weren't that close. How could we have been, when he was never there, and even if he was, he was arguing with father? Suddenly I was more afraid than sad. I was afraid that Sesshoumaru, too, would now leave forever. It wasn't like there was anything holding him back anymore. I mean, our father was the only thing connecting us and he was gone. I seriously doubted he ever saw me as a brother, me being a strange woman's son and all.

But he was there, his hand on my shoulder, looking at the same direction that I had been looking just moments ago. It felt unreal. My overly cool brother was giving me some his precious time.

He didn't offer any words of comfort, nor did he ask me how I was. He just sat there with me until it was dark and very late, and our precious silent moment was interrupted only when I yawned magnificently. He chuckled at me. It was a quiet sound, so quiet I barely heard it and it was almost like the sound was bubbling somewhere deep in his well built chest. The light of the street lamps shone in his eyes. I watched him completely mesmerized. I caught myself thinking that he was beautiful.

"What is it Inuyasha?" he asked, the left side of his mouth curling up slightly. It was very rare of him to smile any more than that.

I couldn't help it, it just blurted out of my mouth. Just proofs how confused I was at the time. Now I wish I could take it back. My life would have been so much easier if I hadn't said it.

"You're beautiful", I heard myself whisper. I realized what I had said the second after it came out of my mouth. I was horrified, and more afraid than ever that he would just walk out of my life. In my mind I went through every curse word I knew.

But instead of scorning at me he laughed. I have always thought that his laugh was the best sound there could ever be. His laugh is like music. It's a deep sound, like the softest velvet and it washes over you like ocean waves. He doesn't do it often. I've only heard it three times, and that was the one and only time it was given only to me. Even now I hold that moment safe in my heart like a precious jewel.

"You think I'm beautiful, huh?" he said, the laugh still audible in his voice. It made him sound almost melodic.

I nodded shyly.

"Why, thank you, Inuyasha. You're not too shabby yourself."

I looked up at him and saw him staring down at me. I was immediately lost in his eyes. They were like liquid amber, it was the same color as mine but somehow his eyes were so much more vibrant and alive. At that moment I knew that he would only tell me the truth. There's this almost mystical raw honesty in my brother eyes that makes people feel intimidated by him. To be honest, that truthfulness scared me, too, more than anything else. Truth can be cruel and I was afraid to hear him telling me that I was…not worthy. I don't know why I thought that. It seems silly now, after so many years.

"How's your mother?" he suddenly asked looking away from me. I was surprised. It was the first time he showed concern and it looked like it made him feel awkward.

"Not good", I said after deciding that I, too, should be honest with him.

"I thought as much", he murmured and looked at me again. "I'm going to leave this place", he announced looking serious.

I was sort of honored that he felt the need to tell me this personally, but still, I felt my heart stop for a moment and I knew he could see my bottom lip tremble. He raised his hand and swept his finger over my trembling lip. The touch left a burning sensation on my skin. I gasped.

"You could come with me, you know", he said quietly and pressed the thumb that had been on my lip to his own.

I was mesmerized by him. I think I would have gone with him, I would have done anything for him to tell you the truth, that's how good he is to bewitch others, but right then I heard my mother's cry through the wall and I knew I couldn't go. I couldn't leave her alone at a time like this.

"I can't", I told him. I really hoped he could see how sorry I was.

He just nodded. Nothing more. He's like that; he never does anything he finds unnecessary. He only speaks when he has something to say.

And so we were quiet for a while. It was well past midnight but my tiredness had gone away as the moon rose higher. I wanted to be with Sesshoumaru as long as I could. I was wondering…

"Sesshoumaru, can I ask you a question?" I asked shyly, not sure if I wanted to ask. But, I figured that if he's going to leave anyway I might as well get everything out in the open.

He looked at me almost curiously. "Of course, though I'm not sure that I can give you an answer."

He had to nudge me with his elbow before I managed to get the words out of my mouth. "How come you prefer guys?" the words came out as a big slushy blur.

A flash of surprise flashed across his eyes. He frowned for a moment before his lips curled up slyly. "Well ", he started, "kissing is just so much better with them", he finished and licked his lips.

I looked fascinated how the red tip of his tongue appeared and then disappeared between the lips.

"Have you kissed anyone, Inuyasha?" he asked raising his eyebrow.

"There was this one girl…" I managed to say. I couldn't believe how nervous I was. He's a very intimidating person, my brother.

"Ah", he sighed and then smiled again that little smile of his. "And did you like it?"

"It was okay…" At that point I didn't know anymore what the hell I was saying. My eyes were fixed to his lips that were moist after he had licked them. They were temptingly red, somewhat narrow but I knew they'd be soft. The blood in my head was rapidly traveling downwards to my groin. (Hey, I was only fifteen, cut me some slack…)

He has always been a tease. I think he enjoys seeing people confused, he likes to shock them. Just like that time, the sorrowful and vulnerable me was probably irresistibly tempting for him. "What are you thinking Inuyasha?" he said with a low murmur and leaned forward, closer to my face. It was like his voice pierced right through me, and I felt myself harden.

"I…I… I'm not…" I stammered and he chuckled again. Unconsciously my hand went to my groin.

"Is there something that you want, Inuyasha?" he asked his eyes glowing fiercely. He was so close. I could feel his hot breath on my skin and I could smell his wonderfully arousing scent.

Without a second thought I wrapped my right arm around his neck and pulled him down into a clumsy kiss. I realize now that he would've never made the first move. If I hadn't done anything, he probably would've just walked away, chuckling quietly as he went.

But I kissed him.

It was…no, there are no words to describe it, all the feelings that swelled in my chest as our lips met.

It was probably the worst kiss in the history of mankind, I admit that, but it was just so good. Despite the fact that Sesshoumaru was the coolest person on Earth, he was so warm, and his lips were so soft, but not plump and sticky with lip gloss like that girl's had been. I moaned. That was the sound that woke me up from my trance. I pulled away from him.

"I'm so sorry", I muttered and turned my head away from him. I must have blushed horribly red.

He put his hand on my chin and raised my head to meet his eyes again. The place where he touched was tingling. I tried to move to a more comfortable position; the pressure in my jeans was getting too much to bear.

He leaned in closer and whispered into my ear. "Should I teach you how to do this?" I saw his index finger tracing a line over the bulge in my jeans, applying pressure. I groaned. "Should I show you how to properly make out?"

I knew it was wrong, so very, very wrong, but I wanted him. Oh god how I wanted him! It was like we were the only ones alive and I had to cling to him to be able to exist. I looked at him pleadingly, and he understood.

Softly he pressed his lips on mine and I moaned again. His lips caressed mine with feather like kisses until he sucked my bottom lip between his. I pressed myself against him, desperate to feel him. My hands wrapped around him and his were sliding down my back.

When I felt his tongue on me, asking for entrance, I opened my mouth and welcomed him almost embarrassingly eager. It felt like he was devouring me, he examined every part of my mouth, making it hard for me to breathe. Our tongues slid against each other in a fascinating way I hadn't experienced before. I felt dizzy, and it wasn't just because of the lack of oxygen.

He pulled away from me and I gasped for air. His hand slid lower and lower, down my body until it was resting on my ass. He squeezed gently and I groaned. I was so hard it was starting to hurt. His other hand was fondling the front of my jeans and his mouth was next to my ear, whispering again, making every other sound disappear from the world. "Should I help you with this?" he asked as his thumb slid across my cloth covered length.

I almost whimpered as I pressed myself against his touch. His tongue licked my ear and his other hand drew circles on my lower back. His lips traveled across my skin to my neck and throat, where he stopped to suck the sensitive pulse, leaving a mark that I could see for days.

Agonizingly slowly he opened the zipper of my jeans. I was starting to panic. It was getting so intense. He noticed the change in me. His mouth was at my ear again, whispering shooting words, and I melted. I'm not quite sure how he got the jeans and boxers off me, I was way past the point of having any rational thoughts.

Next thing I registered was his touch when I was sitting on his lap and he was kissing me. Slow, sensual kisses that left me completely breathless. His long delicate fingers were stroking me. His fingers rolled over my balls and caressed the sensitive skin around them. Then his hand was around my cock and I thought I had reached heaven. His thump swept over the tip and spread the precome over it. Waves of pleasure washed over me as he continued stroke me. It was so good that I craved for more, thrusting my hips wantonly to meet his hand.

It didn't take long before it became too much for me and I came with a cry, calling his name over and over again. His hand stroked me through my orgasm, making it last so that I thought I would pass out.

I went limp because of the power of my release. He held me and kissed my neck, whispering sweet things I didn't understand. In the dark of my room I could see his profile and I thought he was gorgeous. At that moment I knew I loved him.

Of course I was young then, at that age people tend to confuse love with other things, but in my case it didn't matter. Weather I was really truly in love with him or not back then was irrelevant, because that was the turning point. The fact that I admitted to myself that I'm in love with him, made it certain that I wasn't repulsed by the idea of loving my brother beyond normal brotherly affection. I knew I should've been repulsed, but I wasn't. Quite the contrary, I felt a sudden ease spread through me as he held me. I felt safe and loved, even though I knew nothing of his feelings. No one knows about his true feelings. My brother has always been cryptic, very hard to figure out. Even he says that he has a hard time trying to figure out Sesshoumaru.

Well, back then I knew nothing of that person so thoughts like that didn't bother me. All I knew was that someone was holding me gently, that I wasn't alone. And it felt so good.

He put me gently to my bed and covered me with a blanked. I was too tired – emotionally and physically – that I couldn't move a muscle. I was tired and wanted to sleep, but I remember that I smiled at him and I think I might have said 'thank you' as well. I'm not too sure.

He moved a few strands of hair away from my face and he kissed my forehead. He said good night and was about to leave but I took his hand, not letting him go. I asked if he could stay long enough for me to fall asleep before he left. He agreed and I gripped his hand tighter, loving the feel of it.

When I woke up the next morning he was gone. I didn't know where he went. He didn't leave any address, or phone number. He didn't even leave a message. That didn't mean he was completely gone, though, for from that moment on he was all I could think about.

I saw him again two years later…

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So so so?? What did you think? Are you coming back tomorrow to read more?? ^^ I think this is the first story I've done that has Inuyasha as a main character... Angsty, eh? ^^ (I shouldn't be happy about that... My BF's going to preach again -.- sigh)

review, please!!! Should I beg in Finnish? Okay then... Olkaa niin kilttejä ja jättäkää plautetta!!! Jooko?

Okay, I'm officially emarrassed of myself...

~ Val