Harry woke up, and stretched. It was a Saturday morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…an ordinary one, too.
"Morning, Ron." Harry said.
The authoress was disgusted at this horrendous show of- of canon, of normality, and so decided to spice things up a little.
"HARRY! I'M SO TRAGICALLY OVERLOOKED! But lately…I've been having these…feelings…your beautiful eyes…I WANT YOU, HARRY!"
The authoress smirked. This was only the beginning.
XXX
"Harry! You're wanted in Dumbledore's office." Professor McGonagall said, smirking. (The authoress controls the characters, remember, though internally McGonagall was disgusted at being forced to assume this- this scandalously Slytherin position).
"Why, Professor?"
"Well…unless you want to go somewhere private...OOH, HARRY, HARRY…"
"Professor, stop screaming my name!" Harry said nervously.
"That's not what your daddy used to say."
"What- EEW! YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDMOTHER!"
Rubbing her hands together with glee, the authoress tiptoed back to her laptop to continue terrorizing the Chosen One.
XXX
Said authoress was typing away about herself…she was fifteen years old, female, and loved Draco Malfoy…when suddenly a plot bunny struck her. It began to nibble her in a desperate bid for attention.
"Oh, all right…I give up." The authoress sighed. She resumed typing while feeding said bunny the occasional carrot.
Harry was on his way to Dumbledore's office when he encountered Hermione.
"Hey, Mione!"
"Oh, Harry! I've always harbored a deep, burning passion for you…have sex with me, Harry!"
See, Hermione now had curves in all the right places. She also had tanned legs that went on for miles and sleek, curly hair.
She approached dangerously, and Harry noticed just how short her skirt was. He gulped. "Uhh, Hermione…"
She huffed. "Fine then. I'm off to detention with Professor Snape…and by that, of course, I mean hot kinky classroom sex…"
The bunny hopped away. The authoress sighed with relief; she'd never liked writing smut.
XXX
Harry managed to get to Dumbledore's office without much more trouble.
"Uhh- Acid Pops?
"Fizzing Whizbees?
"Sherbet Lemons?
"BBEFBs?"
"ohmygosh, Harry." Dumbledore sighed, appearing behind Harry. "It's slut pops, of course."
Dumbledore was…a hippie?!
(the authoress shook her head. She would never understand how her mind worked.)
XXX
"So, Harry…what brings you to my not-so-humble abode?"
"Well…Professor McGonagall asked me to come…"
"Oh! Yes! I was telling her after the amazing desk sex last night that…well…we need an exchange student program! A slutty!sexy!marysue program! Or laptops! iPods! Phones! LOL! ROFL! OMFG!"
"Uhh…"
"He's here, professor?"
A low, sexy voice came from the nonexistent shadows of Dumbledore's office.
"Indeed he is, tot. I'm off for more kinky McGonagall sex!"
Dumbledore skipped out, his hippie clothes billowing about.
XXX
"Err…" Harry gulped.
"Hey, baby."
Draco Malfoy stepped out of the shadows, munching on a gorgeous, green apple.
"HEY! THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND YOU'RE MOLESTING!" Harry yelled.
"Toughie, baby. She's all mine now. But actually-"
Draco binned the apple.
"HEY!"
"See…I want you, Harry!"
"Shove off, Malfoy!"
"I love it when you talk dirty to me, baby. I'm a Veela and I WANT YOU!"
"But- my apple-"
"Oh, you'll get over it! Look, baby, I'm bi, and right now my slutty Veela senses want you."
Harry could feel himself being swayed by the manly Veela charms, and the authoress decided to give them some privacy.
XXX
One week later
Harry walked into the Great Hall, only to find Draco and…Hermione!
"DRACO! MY LOVE! HOW COULD YOU?!" Harry screamed.
"HERMIONE! WE WERE ENGAGED!" Snape yelled, for all of Hogwarts to hear.
"Wait, what?" Harry asked.
"…oopsie. But you know, Potter, I've always found your green eyes kind of sexy…"
The authoress beamed at Harry's expression. Her work here was done.